HOWARD (online)

Now with Calcium! Vol. 2, Issue 5

Words of Enlightenment by Nels Berge

I often hear this question: "Nels, how come there are twice as many girls at your pot-luck dinners as there are guys?' The answer is simple and I think that we all know it already: ulterior motives. We live in a singles' ward so we can't help but have ulterior motives for everything we do. The ward itself is one big ulterior motive in and of itself, anyway. Yes, we all come to church and to ward activities for spiritual growth and that one of a kind mormonic sense of comraderie, but, being single, we all are there to basically just work it with each other. Do you think that the activities committees in the married wards plan the kinds of activities that we have in our ward, like the recent date night or the upcoming make-out night? Well, they don't. Recent marriage trends in the ward suggest that the ward as ulterior motive is working. There is nothing wrong with ulterior motives, of course. We're all in this ward to get married and there's no denying it, so we might as well find ways to perfect our ulterior motive making together. How does the saying go? 'The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her stomach,' or something to that effect. A few years back, one of my old roommates and I tried cooking dinner for all the girls in our ward. Our motive? Just to work it, but with the legitimate excuse of cooking people dinner. We made dinner for twenty-three out of the twenty-four apartments of girls in the ward. Only five made us dinner in return. Not a problem because our ulterior motive wasn't necessarily to get dinner, but to get dates.

Home teaching: no greater calling. In some places there is a perceived taboo against dating girls that you home teach. That is just an old, single wives' tale. Here is an example of a typical conversation about home teaching, between a home teaching supervisor and a home teacher: 'You know, Beavis, we would like to assign to you a few more people to home teach.' 'Great! I will be more than happy to magnify my calling as a home teacher. Will I be home teaching any chicks?' 'Actually, you will be home teaching me and my other three roommates.' 'Now that you mention it, I am probably too busy to home teach anybody else. In fact, you'll probably want to re-assign the other guys that I already home teach. I only have time to home teach chicks.' Finally, high profile church participation. Whenever I interrupt Sunday School and pull sisters out of class, I'm not really pulling them out of class to talk to the members of the bishopric, I'm asking them all out on dates! Well, that's not really true, but high profile has its potential benefits. Here is another example of a conversation. This time between anybody in any leadership position and members of his or her committee. 'Such and such activity is coming up and I'm putting Beavis in charge of it. Is there anybody that can assist him?' No response. The next week: 'Such and such activity is coming up and I'm putting Molly D. Mormon in charge of it. Is there anybody that can assist her?' Sound of ten guys tripping over chairs and each other getting in line to volunteer.


One more things...

And now a missionary's address that all the girls in the ward have wanted to get their hands on for quite some time: Jesse! No, not Jesse Green. Jesse Maloney. (Jesse Green is actually a girl.)--CYBER-EDITING--. Carpe Diem, sisters! Maybe you'll be the one that drives the wedge between him and Annie.


Announcing: Philosophy the RB connection

16 Sep 1995 Dear Diary, Today I went to the Singles' Ward for the first time. It was cool. The Bishop gave a bunch of announcements during the meeting about upcoming activities and stuff. I'm really excited. The activities sound great.

2 Nov 1995 Dear Diary, I love the Singles' Ward... except that sometimes the Bishop lets ward members give their own announcments during Sacrament meeting and th ey go on and on for like twenty minutes and it sort of bores me. I sure don't want to go to those people's activities!

21 Nov 1995 I'm going to kill that bearded guy. I hate his friggin' announcements. He's made Sacrament meeting into his own personal comedy hour. If the Bishop doesn't do something, I'm going inactive.

12 Dec 1995 Dear Diary, It looks like I'm not the only one who threatened that bearded guy... the Bishop has taken back control of the announcements during Sacrament meeting. Things are back on track. I love the Singles' Ward!!!


10 Jan 1999 Dear Diary, It's been a while since my last entry... sorry! Things in the ward are pretty cool. The Bishop announces each week's activities during Sacrament meeting. I'm excited!

18 Feb 1999 Dear Diary, Things are okay. The Bishop has started letting people give their own announcements again. It's sort of out of control. There's this one guy who is like a door-to-door salesman. Give me a break! I've already got a friggin' subscription.

14 March 1999 Dear Diary, Me and the boys are planning on breaking the salesman's legs after Church. Because the announcments ran 25 minutes today, we only had ten minutes for talks. Too bad. I hope someone does something... be continued...

Faithful reader: Here at Howard we understand the pain you feel during the announcement part of Sacrament meeting.

In the spirit of fellowship, we've developed this game for your playing enjoyment:

B * I * N * G * O

Random ward member correcting the Bishop from the audience Ward temple trip (only seven months away!) Something gender exclusive (e.g. home-making) Dork pushing Ensign subscriptions
LDSSA Movie Night (expected attendance: seven) "Can someone please move their friggin' black Jetta?!?!" Bishop dating encouragement/ chastisement Jed Greenwood date auction
War choir Practice Engagements/ weddings/ receptions Dude selling 55 gallow water jugs Someone bashing men: "Guys are dumb, women are never wrong".
Missionary update (Edie Green will be home soon!) Upcoming Ward Make-out nite Women's Basketball Reminder that announcements belong in the friggin' bulletin!


The Pasta Connection

Now that Bob and Jackie are no longer FHE leaders together, they can totally work it with each other. A little French dressing with your country baked potato? Contact the editors of Howard for your free pasta dinner and tickets to the orchestra.


The Fine Print

First, remember how in the first issue I said that Bob's putting me on some committee for the upcoming singles' conference was all the impetus that I needed to start up an unofficial newsletter? Well, true to my word, I am going to start stuff about, you guessed it, the upcoming singles' conference. Before that, however, I'll probably have a few words to say about more pressing issues, such as the fine art of road tripping, the not so fine art of buying Slurpees, and the not resembling an art at all art of watching ESPN.

Second, Trivial Pursuit standings: Richard 6, Nels 5, Jed 3 We just haven't had time to play in awhile. Sorry.

Third, somebody mentioned that Sister Oberg is returning to Minneapolis to attend the Aveda Institute. We are therefore going to set up a kind of special fund for her. Please, no money, just send assorted nose rings and green hair color, thus helping her look the part of an Aveda Institute student.


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