Howard

The Big Inaugural Issue!
Vol. 2, Issue 1

Words of Enlightenment by Nels Berge

I've noticed that in the day to day life of every college student there occurs an eventual breakdown of the five food groups (or food pyramid, if you grew up in the 90s) until cold cereal becomes the preferred food at every meal. We all have the good people at the Malt-O-Meal company to thank for giving us the 40 ounce bag of cereal. Of course, each of us should ask ourselves this question: Do I really need these many Marshallow Maties? I don't think that anybody ever plans on eating cold cereal at every meal, it just usually ends up that way. One thing is for sure, it is extremely easy to justify eating cold cereal at every meal usually with an excuse about the dishes or something. How often do we hear the following: Well, I don't have time to make dinner tonight. I'll just pour me a big bowl of Marshmallow Maties! or Why should I dirty up all kinds of pots and pans that I probably won't wash anyway? I'll just eat a bowl of Marshmallow Maties! or I can get vitamins and nutritional value tomorrow at Taco Bell. Today I'll just eat Marshmallow Maties! Often, eating cold cereal at every meal happens quite by accident, without our realizing it. Many times, cold cereal is that final semblance of home-cooked food just before we begin eating every meal at McDonald's. When the cold cereal runs out, we begin eating out. When I was an undergraduate student, my apartment ran this same cycle every couple of months. Each of us would start out the semester by buying all kinds of actual food. Pasta, bread, soup, meat, canned corn, and even Manwich. When the food ran out, we next turned to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for sustainment. Of course, bread either runs out or turns green. When that happened, our last resort was bag after bag of Marshmallow Maties or Apple Zings. Finally, like dogs to their vomit, when the cold cereal ran out, it was off to McDonald's for every meal. We preferred cold cereal because it is cheaper, but knew that it was useless to fight the natural and eventual breakdown. We were fortunate in those days because we had at least thirty cereal bowls and at least that many spoons. Sometimes eating cold cereal at every meal is just a reaction to the fact that all the pots and pans -the means for cooking real food- are piled high in the sink, dirty. There is usually always at least a clean bowl and spoon to be found. I have had roommates who have kept a clean bowl and spoon in their cupboard, so that they can always have clean cereal eating implements at their disposal 24-hou rs a day. Cold cereal for breakfast! Cold cereal for lunch! Cold cereal for dinner! Cold cereal for snacks! For the time being I have pasta and bread, even meat if you can believe it (sorry, no canned corn or Manwich). Still inevitably, the day will come in the near future when, at 6:30 pm, rather than eat real food, I will pour myself a big bowl of Marshmallow Maties and justify it with some weak excuse about the dishes or something.

Publius

Mmm, philosophy por Ricardo X

Home alone on a Saturday night listening to Latin American pop music can produce some pretty philosophical insights. There are two things that are receiving either way too much or not nearly enough attention in the news today: the NBA season and the impeachment of the only president our country has. Maybe the two could be meshed to create a sort of pseudo-American Gladiators/judicial process. The NBA superstars who actually lost money on the deal get to decide objections and stuff during the trial by having three-point shoot-out s and slam dunk competitions. Based on the severity of the charge, the president would have to play P-I-G against opponents of descending order from best to worst to decide the punishment (possibility: Grant Hill- Tom Gugliotta- Me- Kevin Willis- Joe Kuschke, in that order).

Rumor mill: -Dating statistics will soon be compiled to accompany home/visiting-teaching reports. Reviews of this month's are mixed. -Merit badges... coming soon! -"Creative dating" book to be published for the U of MN's LDS stud ents. An excerpt: "Due to the lack of any large concrete letters in the vicinity, tricycle riding can be enjoyed at the Walker Art Center's Sculpture Garden (p. 24)". -Next home-making activity: hair coloring (metallics preferred)... Elders' Quorum invited! -May 12: Janice Kapp Perry Live at the Target Center!

Question time: -Why in the world would anyone buy Mariah Carey's newest album? "To read the articles", right? -How much would it cost for us to do something about those parking-ticket people? -What can I do to make myself a 'Point Artist'?

Homo Habilus

One more things...

Here are a few pieces of purely banal information:

First, Sara Vaneps' mission address. Write to her if you feel so inclined. Work it with her by mail. She'll be home in just seventeen short months ready for some action. Carpe Diem, my friends! -CYBER-EDITING IN THE HOUSE- For those of you unfamiliar with the Church's pouch mail system, it is the only reliable way to deliver mail to missionaries serving in the 3rd World. Some might argue that Chile is not a 3rd World country. Basically, if it is in South America it is 3rd World.

Second, Trivial Pursuit rankings as of 1-19-99. Nels-5; Richard-2; Jed-1.

From the Editors

A few weeks ago, Bob Johnson came and told me something to the effect of 'Nels, you're in charge of a committee for the upcoming young single adult conference.' That was all the impetus that I needed to start up an unofficial newsletter. As the upcoming conference looms closer, we here at Howard will try to keep you all informed and stuff. In between all the information we will fills pace with swank articles about stuff like Marshmallow Maties. Of course, we can't guarantee that all the information will be high-brow in nature. Richard promised me that he would refrain from quoting excessively from the Simpson's if I would refrain from quoting excessively from Beavis and Butthead.

Publius

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