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Who Shot J.R.R.?

At press time, principal photography for Peter Jackson's epic adaptation of Lord of the Rings is underway at the WETA facilities and on location in New Zealand. Fan excitement (and for some, apprehesion) is growing. So you're a hardcore Tolkien fan, you say?
Remembering that "fan" is derived from "fanatic," let's put that supposition to the test. Here are a few signs you may be pretty hardcore about The Lord of the Rings.
1. Your son is named Farmer Maggot.
2. Your daughter is named Farmer Maggot.
3. You call your home "The Dark Tower" and have slain 31 orcs who have tried to invade. At least you think they're orcs. They may have been postmen.
4. Your fiance of nine years is in a holding pattern until you find the "One True Ring."
5. You dress in shadowy dark robes of the Ringwraith for Halloween parties. Unfortunately, people think you're just a taller-than-average Jawa.
6. Your pet guinea pig is named Shadowfax.
7. You have a prescription for Monoxidil, but it's not for your head. It's to grow hair on the tops of your feet.

If you meet the above criteria, then may we suggest a few ways to make the wait for the films a little more bearable. Little things to entertain you, feed your Tolkien hunger, and keep those around you on their toes.
A. Camp out in front of the local cineplex and tell them you want to be the first in line for Fellowship of the Ring. Take to all the patrons, and try to convince them to join your party. If police arrive, tell them you appreciate their laws but answer only to Treebeard.
B. Refuse to eat dinner with your family unless they promise to leave a place for Frodo, should he return.
C. Approach people in the mall, at church, or on the subway and ask them what they have in their pockets, as Gollum would. Add lots of "-ses" to your speech, as in "Pleases passes the carrotses."
D. Make a scene at a jewelry store by standing on the counter and "outing" the clerk as one of Saruman's minions. Tell the customers that the rings are of evil origin and threaten to conduct a drive-by arrowing should they partake of the wares. If the cops show up, claim the "Eye of Sauron" made you do it.
E. Speak to an invisible Sam the Hobbit in school, at work, or during your parole hearing. When others ask whom you're speaking to, make fun of them with Sam.
F. Move all copies of Tolkien's novels to the nonfiction section of the bookstore and "sell" them to passersby.
G. Invite a plumber to repair your toilet, and as he bends over to take a look at it, sneak a glance at the "Crack of Doom."
H. Approach elderly men and intimate that you "know who they are ... Gandalf."

Before you know it, all that time will have happily passed and you'll be finally watching the opening credits of The Fellowship of the Ring ...
... From the confines of your padded cell.
--Nick Nunziata