Episode 7

  Episode 7
"People get hurt really, really, really bad"
On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, Gokou arrived just in time to save his friends from certain doom. Well, a couple of them anyway. Most of them actually died before he got there. But... Krillen's still alive.

Gokou: (punches Krillen hard in the face) You're going to eat this fucking bean!

Krillen: (spits blood at Gokou) Never!

Gokou: (punches him again and again) Eat it or DIE!

Krillen: (falls unconscious)

Gohan: Um... daddy...?

Vegeta & Nappa: (raising eyebrows)

Gokou: Now you have no choice but to eat it! (places the senzu bean in Krillen's unconscious mouth)

Krillen: (instantly healed of all wounds, he gets up) Wha- what the- damn you Gokou!

Gokou: (turns to face Gohan) Now you eat one... son.

Gohan: But I- I'm not hurt at all.

Gokou: (his eyes narrow)

Gohan: Eep. (he quickly grabs and eats the bean)

Gokou: That's a good boy. (he pats Gohan on the head) Now that I've wasted my only means of quick healing on you guys, both of you go away and don't help me in this fight in any way.

Krillen: (thinks of objecting, but then remembers the beating he just received) Uh... right. Let's go Gohan.

Gohan: (to himself) Mister Piccolo's much nicer than my old daddy.

Krillen: (flies off, carrying Gohan)

Vegeta: Um, are you ready to fight us now?

Gokou: No.

Vegeta: No? Now what do you want to do?

Gokou: Just wait a minute. (just stands there for a while)

Vegeta: Um... what are you-

Gokou: (holds up his hand, as if to say "wait")

Vegeta: (sighs and taps his foot impatiently)

Gokou: (giggles) Okay, now I'm ready.

Vegeta: Wha- you- grr... I'm a Super Saiyan you know!

Nappa: (shakes his head) This guy is almost as annoying as Vegeta. I'm gonna enjoy kicking his grrr. (steps forward)

Gokou: Heh heh heh. We'll see about that.

Nappa: You couldn't even beat Raditz before. Unless you've been doing something like beating up small animals in 3x gravity, I don't see how you could possibly be a match for me.

Gokou: (suddenly punches Nappa hard)

Nappa: Urg. Ouch.

Gokou: (ki blasts Nappa)

Nappa: (severely hurt) The pain. Hey Vegeta, you wanna help me?

Vegeta: Hmmm.... letmethinkNO!

Nappa: WHAT?!

Vegeta: (walks over to Nappa) I've suffered your goddamn attitude problem for long enough! (throws him up in the air) THIS IS FOR SAYING I WASN'T A SUPER SAIYAN ALL THOSE TIMES I WASN'T!!! (hits Nappa with a powerful ki blast)

Nappa: Aaargh! Vegeta, you are such a bitch! (dies)

Gokou: Wow. That sure wasn't nice.

Vegeta: Now that I've brutally murdered my partner for being sarcastic, do you want to be my new partner?

Gokou: Well, I can tell that'd be a reeeaaal fun job.

Vegeta: That was sarcasm, wasn't it?!

Gokou: Nooo, of coooaarse not.

Vegeta: Ghaaaa! Now you must die!

Gokou: Okay, but first let's leave this remote location and fly to a different remote location.

Vegeta: Fine with me. (they fly off, disappearing into specks on the horizon)

Chi-Chi: (enters the scene) Hmm. (she lands on the ground, and looks around, seeing the various bodies of her husband's friends) So. They were here. (she clenches her fist) And they were fighting. Damn, but where could they have gone? If I only had some way to pinpoint their exact location. Some kind of a... (she smiles evilly) ...crystal ball. (she flies off in another direction, laughing evilly)

Elsewhere, in some sort of a canyon setting.

Vegeta: (suddenly stops flying, and lands atop a rock)

Gokou: Hey, this isn't remote enough!

Vegeta: Bullcrap. We've already flown around the world like three times. You're just wasting time again.

Gokou: (giggles) Um... no.

Vegeta: We're fighting right here, and that's final.

Gokou: Well I'm gonna go find other place. But you can stay and fight here if you want.

Vegeta: Heh. Go ahead. See if I care.

Gokou: Fine, I will. (he hesitates)

Vegeta: So go then!

Gokou: I am. (he slowly turns around) I'm going now.

Vegeta: (crosses his arms) Bye then. Have fun fighting by yourself.

Gokou: You too. Bye. I'm really going now. (he starts flying off)

Vegeta: See you later.

Gokou: (nervously looks behind him, sees Vegeta's not following)

Vegeta: (sitting still, whistling)

Gokou: (stops and flies back) Fine, we'll fight here. (pouts)

Vegeta: Heh heh heh. I used my Super Saiyan waiting skillz.

Gokou: Now you will die! Ka-me-ha-me-HA!

Vegeta: (dodges out of the way) Nuh uh. (suddenly flies in to close range) Punch! (punches Gokou)

Gokou: Dodge out of the w-oof! (gets punched) No fair, "dodge out of the way" takes so much longer to say than "punch."

Vegeta: Hey, have you ever thought of not saying the names of out attacks before we execute them?

Gokou & Vegeta: (stare at each other, then suddenly burst out laughing)

Gokou: Heh heh. Good one. Kick! (kicks Vegeta)

Vegeta: Ouch! No fair! Wasn't ready!

Gokou: Too bad! Kaioken times 2! (suddenly surrounded by a red aura)

Vegeta: Hey, are you on fire or some-oof! (hit by a lightning-fast punch) Ouch! Hey, that makes you like faster and stronger and stuff! Kind of like when I go Super Saiyan.

Gokou: Umm... right. (punches Vegeta again, knocking his jaw out of place)

Vegeta: Ouch! That HURT! (punches Gokou hard in the chest)

Gokou: Damn, broken rib. Kaioken times 3! (kicks Vegeta in the leg)

Vegeta: Argh! Broken knee cap! (punches Gokou in the face)

Gokou: crap, broken nose.

At master Roshi's house, several people sit huddled around a crystal ball

Vegeta (on crystal ball): crap, broken arm.

Gokou (on crystal ball): Gack, broken rib! Another one!

Bulma: They're getting hurt, like, really, really, really bad.

Oolong: (wincing) sure are.

Turtle: (licking his lips evilly) I love it. You can't buy entertainment like this.

Suddenly, a huge explosion erupts, destroying one of the walls of the house. As the dust clears, a single black silhouette is seen, floating in the air at the opening, in front of the sun.

Master Roshi: Sweet god no!

Bulma: It... it can't be!!

Chi-Chi: (floats in) But it is.

Oolong: Oh god oh god oh god. Please Chi-Chi, just end it quickly.

Chi-Chi: Silence!

All: (completely silent)

Chi-Chi: (looks over at the crystal ball, seeing Gokou fighting)

Vegeta (on crystal ball): Ow, broken knee cap.

Gokou (on crystal ball): Your knee cap was already broken.

Vegeta (on crystal ball): Shut up.

Chi-Chi: So, he is fighting. (walks over to Baba) This crystal ball can be used to find his location. (picks her up by her collar) Can it not?

Baba: Yes! Yes! Please, I'll tell you anything, just let me live!

Master Roshi: Yes, and don't destroy the house again! Hey, how did it get fixed anyway?

Back at the battleground

Vegeta: (a bloody mess) Aaugh! My ear! You bit off my goddamn EAR! You cannibal!

Gokou: (also a bloody mess) Shut up. You already bit off three of my fingers.

Vegeta: This really HURTS you know!

Gokou: Yeah, I KNOW!

Vegeta: That's it! This planet is HISTORY!

Gokou: No! Don't blow up the planet Earth! Then we'll all go to Heaven and be happy, and you'll go to Hell!

Vegeta: Yes, I'm totally doing that! EAT IT, PLANET! (fires a huge ki blast at the ground)

Gokou: No! Kamehameha! (intercepts the blast with his own)

Vegeta: Ha ha! You are not nearly strong enough to defeat me this way!

Gokou: Grrr. Kaioken times a hundred!

Vegeta: Huh?? Okay, but I'm still stronger.

Gokou: Kaioken times a million!

Vegeta: Uh oh. Um... Kaioken times two million!

Gokou: WHAT?! You can't use Kaioken!

Vegeta: Can too! Can too!

Gokou: All right then, Kaioken times a million billion!

Vegeta: Kaioken times a million billion zillion!!

Gokou: Kaioken TIMES INFINITY!!!

Vegeta: crap. (rides Gokou's blast up into the sky)

Gokou: Phew. That Kaioken times infinity really takes it out of you. (falls down on the ground)

Yajirobe: (walks out from behind a rock) Hi, I'm Piccolo's zany next door neighbor Yajirobe! I'm here to congratulate you and then comically run away again when I find out the battle isn't over yet!

Gokou: The battle isn't over yet.

Yajirobe: It isn't? Umm... I just remembered I have some stuff to do. Bye!

Audience: (laughs)

Gokou: Ha ha! Oh, that crazy Yajirobe! (coughs up blood)

Vegeta: (high into the atmosphere, he finally gets off of Gokou's blast) Well, it seems that guy's stronger than me. I guess I could use that ultimate attack I have which has no downsides and which I could have used even from the very beginning if I really wanted to. Yeah, that seems like a good plan to me. (flies back down to where Gokou is)

Gokou: Hiya.

Vegeta: (throws a large glowing ball up into the air) This is my artificial moon. You die now. (turns into a gigantic ape)

Gokou: Oh my god! Vegeta is actually KING KONG! It... it all makes sense now.

Some distance away

Gohan: Hey, what's that big glowing light? I think my dad's in trouble!

Krillen: That light frightens you, but you had no problem with any of the huge explosions or anything before?

Back at Master Roshi's island, they all stand outside the house

Chi-Chi: You have been most helpful. And for that you all shall live. For now. But take this parting gift before I go! (points her hand at the house, and from it shoots a gout of unholy flame, burning the small residence to cinders in a matter of seconds.) And now, I must have a little talk with my dear husband. (flies off)

Master Roshi: Aaugh! Not again!

Baba: Don't worry, I'm sure it will be inexplicably fixed just like when it was destroyed by her in episode 2.

Master Roshi: Guess you're right.

Bulma: Hey, don't any of you care that Gokou will almost certainly die now?

A few seconds of silence.

Oolong: No.

Master Roshi: Not really.

Baba: Nope.

Turtle: I'm kind of glad.

Bulma: Heh. Just kidding. I don't care either.

Back at the battlefield

Vegeta: And now that I've finally decided to do the thing that would have allowed me to easily kill you all at the beginning of last episode... I'm going to easily kill you! I sure hope nobody comes in to save you at the last minute. (sees a shape in the distance) What the-

A giant lizard beast as large a Vegeta bursts onto the scene

Vegeta: No! It's Godzilla!

Godzilla: Rooooawr! (claws Vegeta)

Vegeta: He wants a rematch! Okay then, I'll kill you, then I'll kill Kakarot!

Gokou: Well this is unexpected.

End Episode Seven

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, Vegeta/King Kong and Godzilla will continue their battle of titans. Will this interference be enough to allow Gokou and the others to defeat the otherworldly foe, and then let him live so he can escape in his space ship and return as a regular character throughout the rest of the series, eventually settling down, having kids, and turning good (in that order)? Find out, on the next exiting episode of... Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "The damn battle finally ends."