Episode Three
"Training and Stuff"
In the
last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, I ate up a good chunk episode
with a long sequence of Nappa and Vegeta fidgeting instead of making
any actual jokes. Will I think of a similar scheme this time? Find out
in this exiting episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite!
A far off alien world. One of the strongest warriors in the universe sits in wait for his next conquest.
Vegeta:
(sitting in his room, holding a Sailor Moon action figure, speaking in
a squeaky voice) Stop right there! How dare you say Vegeta isn't a
Super Saiyan! Now I, Sailor Moon, will punish you! (holding a Nappa
action figure) No! I'm sorry! I'm just a stupid idiot, and I'm bald,
and I'm not a Super Saiyan like Vegeta! Please forgive me! (holding a
SS Vegeta action figure) You've disrespected me long enough! Kill him,
my hero Sailor Moon! (holding Sailor Moon again) I fight for love and
justice! (points its hand at Nappa) And that means you! (suddenly goes
red in the face as he realizes his mistake) Argh! I said Nappa was love
and justice! I MESSED UP AGAIN! (he punches his bed, breaking it in
half) I HATE it when I do that. (suddenly he perks up as he gets an
idea) I know! I'll destroy all the Sailor Moon action figures in the
universe! THEN NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO PLAY SAILOR MOON BETTER THAN ME!
(laughing insanely)
Nappa: (walks in) Vegeta, I-
Vegeta:
How dare you enter my quarters without knocking! I should kill you on
the spot! But listen, I have an evil plan! We must go destroy all the-
Nappa: Vegeta, this is important.
Vegeta: Grr... what?
Nappa: Raditz is dead.
Vegeta: I don't care.
Nappa:
But before he died, he transmitted a message that there are these
things on Earth called Dragon Balls that can grant the user any one
wish! We have to go get them!
Vegeta: ANY wish?
Nappa: That's right! We can have anything we want!
Vegeta: HA HA HA! I CAN WISH ALL THE SAILOR MOON ACTION FIGURES BESIDES MINE OUT OF EXISTENCE!
Nappa: ..........................Huh?
Vegeta: Or for immortality. Or something.
Nappa: Rrrrriiiiight. Let's go.
Meanwhile,
on far off planet Earth, all the world's greatest warriors are meeting
in one place, at the house of God, to train for their greatest
challenge yet.
Yamucha: Hi Krillen.
Krillen: Hey Yamucha. Have you seen God or the others?
Yamucha: Naw, haven't seen 'em yet.
Kami: (walks out seemingly from nowhere) Yamucha, Krillen...
Krillen: Heya, God.
Yamucha: Hi Kami. What's up?
Kami: (shakes his head) I get no respect anymore. I'm fricking GOD you know!
Krillen: (shrugs)
Kami:
It just isn't fair. People used to respect and fear me. Now I'm just
like... like some green guy. People have even been trying to KILL me.
Yamucha: Wha??
Kami: Well, in video games.
Krillen & Yamucha: (sigh)
Kami:
Seriously! Like in Final Fantasy Tactics. And Xenogears. Oh, they
really make a big deal about their precious "religious symbolism" in
that game. Killing me is becoming more cliché than orcs and wizards.
(shakes head sadly)
Krillen: Yeah, that's tough. But listen. Have you seen (clenches his fist) Chioutzu? He looks around warily.
Kami: Wait a minute. No. You guys aren't still gonna do THAT are you?
Krillen: Starts walking off looking for Chioutzu.
Kami: Hey this is an emergency! It's no time for- grr... you aren't listening to me! (sobs) I'm God!
Tien and Chioutzu: (flying, they land down next to the other three)
Chioutzu: Well, if it isn't Krillen.
Tien: Wait, you said you wouldn't-
Chioutzu: Quiet. There's no stopping this.
Krillen: Chioutzu... I've waited long. Finally we can settle this. (he and Chouzu start circling each other)
Yamucha: Huh? What's going on.
Kami: (adopts a sagely mannerism) Well, you see Yamucha, Krillen and Chioutzu are both bald midgets.
Yamucha: So? So what?
Krillen: (suddenly lunges at Chioutzu)
Chioutzu: (dodges out of the way)
Krillen: (spins around, mouth foaming. He bites into Chioutzu's shoulder)
Chioutzu: Aarrgh! (roaring with rage, he claws at Krillen's eyes)
Kami:
Well, Yamucha, in bald midget society there can only be one "Alpha bald
midget." That is the most powerful male. The Alpha midget leads the
group, and mates with the females, ensuring the only the most powerful
genes get passed on to the next generation. It's the way of things.
Yamucha: So... they're trying to get laid!?
Kami:
Krillen and Chioutzu are competing males. They must fight until the
death, or until one is able to cow the other into submission. That is
the only way to determine who is the Alpha midget.
Krillen: (his teeth are locked onto Chioutzu's shoulder, and he is sinking them deeper and deeper into his flesh)
Chioutzu: (able to twist around, he kicks Krillen hard between the legs)
Krillen: (wincing in pain, his teeth let go of their deadly grip on Chioutzu. The two of them move apart again.)
Chioutzu: (holding his hands out in front of him like claws, posed to strike)
Krillen: (likewise, his opponent's fresh blood drips from his teeth)
Kami:
It may seem harsh, but it is the way of things. Nature can be like that
sometimes. Krillen and Chioutzu are the most powerful males on Earth,
and they have been competing like this for years. Both of them want the
position of Alpha bald midget more than anything.
Yamucha: Hey
guys, stop it! Seriously, we have a couple evil aliens to worry about!
You guys have gotta hold off on this until a later time! It's too
important!
Kami: Yamucha, if they aren't willing to listen to me, their GOD, I don't think-
Chouzu: I guess he's right.
Krillen: Yes, we'll have our match after this other problem is taken care of. (he wipes the blood from his mouth)
Kami: (cries)
Meanwhile, blazing like a comet, Chi-Chi streaks over mountains and forests in search... of Gokou.
Chi-Chi: (suddenly spots a town below. Smiling evilly, she stops in mid-air, and then flies downward)
In the town, two guards are standing watch on a corner, talking to each other.
Guard 1: Hey, what's that macaroni necklace you're wearing?
Guard 2: Oh, this? My daughter made this for me.
Guard 1: (smiles) She's so cute. How old is she now?
Guard 2: Six. Isn't it great that in only a week I'll be retiring and will get to spend all the time I want with my family?
Guard 1: Sure is.
Guard
2: (takes out his wallet, which contains pictures of his family) And
also, my older daughter is about to graduate college.
Guard 1: Wow, little Jenny sure grew up fast.
Guard
2: (smiles) And it's my anniversary with my loving wife Margaret this
week. We're going to celebrate 30 great years and be so happy. Yessir,
the future's sure looking bright for me.
Guard 1: That's great.
Guard
2: And we just got a puppy too. And I'm almost finished writing my
novel. And my car is really, really clean right now.
Guard 1: Uh huh. (looks up into the sky) Hey, what is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like some sort of a fireball!
Guard 1: It's... it's coming right for us!!
Guard 2: (drops his wallet on the ground)
Chi-Chi: (blazing with white-hot flames, she touches down on the ground next to the two guards)
Guards 1 & 2: (they pull out their guns)
Guard 1: Sweet God! Who... or what are you! Stay right there or I'll shoot!
Chi-Chi:
Don't EVER threaten me, little man. (she punches guard 1, and her fist
flies straight through his stomach and out his back. She licks her lips
evilly, as he slides off her arm and lands in a slump on the ground
below)
Guard 2: Oh... oh my God! My best friend Bill!
Chi-Chi: (picks guard 2 up by the collar) Have you happened to see Gokou around here?
Guard 2: I... I... what's a Gokou? I don't know! Please! Please don't kill me!
Chi-Chi:
If you don't know, I have no use for you. (she casually disintegrates
him with a small energy blast, and walks off into the town)
Camera tilts down, and we see the wallet open on the pavement, with the picture of guard 2 and family facing us.
Chi-Chi: (walking through the streets, she comes upon another man) You! (she points to him)
Man: Huh?
Chi-Chi: Where is Gokou?
Man: What are you talking about? Crazy lady.
Chi-Chi: Fool! (using an energy blast, she destroys him and a large building that was behind him)
A few guards have noticed the commotion, and run out from a corner. They start shooting at her.
Chi-Chi:
(casually blasts them into oblivion) Grr. (she flies upward, up above
the town. Then, in a booming voice which all the town can hear)
ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF THIS TOWN. I AM LOOKING FOR MY HUSBAND GOKOU. IF
ANY OF YOU KNOW OF HIS WHEREABOUTS, COME FORTH NOW. I CAN AND WILL
DESTROY YOU ALL IF YOU REFUSE TO BE HELPFUL.
The whole
town is in an uproar by now. The entire city guard is being mobilized
to attack Chi-Chi. They position themselves below her, and start firing
guns and rocket launchers.
Chi-Chi: HA HA HA. PUNY FOOLS. (she destroys them all rather quickly)
Finally, a single man in a brown coat below her yells out.
Man: Hey! I wish to speak with you!
Chi-Chi:
(floats down to the ground, landing in front of the man. The crown
moves backwards around her, and the man is sweating profusely)
Man: I am the mayor of this town.
Chi-Chi: Where is Gokou?
Mayor: I don't know a Gokou. But we can give you anything you want. Money, anything!
Chi-Chi: I only want my husband. And my son.
Mayor: If... if you want a man... take Steve here! (he grabs a random man from the crowd and shoves him towards her)
Chi-Chi:
I WANT NO STEVE! (she whacks him backhanded into a building) You have
all been very unhelpful. (she flies into the sky)
Crowd: "Is that it?" "Is she gone?" "Is it really over?"
Chi-Chi:
(high above the town, she looks down at it.) Impudent fools. They'll
pay for this. (she points her hand downward, and with a huge blast,
utterly destroys the town and everything in it) Hm. (mockingly) It's
okay, I can see their parachutes. (laughs maniacally, flying off
towards the horizon)
But Gokou was not to be found, for he was far away. In... the afterlife.
Gokou: Well, being dead doesn't really feel that much different from being alive.
Kami: (appears) Yeah, but you have to come back to life to save your friends.
Gokou:
But I was thinking. If everyone dies, that just means they'll be here
like me. In a place that's exactly like the living world except better,
and where you can never die, and where we can live in peace forever,
and...
Kami: Enough.
Gokou: What?
Kami: Dying is bad.
Gokou: But-
Kami: It just is.
Gokou: But-
Kami: SILENCE! I'm God!
Gokou: (sighs)
Kami:
Now... you must go train with some guy here in the afterlife. He's the
best martial artist ever, except for all the guys who are better than
him.
Gokou: Cool!
Kami: His name is King Kai. He's also a God. In fact... he's my boss.
Gokou: Boss? Heh.
Kami: What?
Gokou: He's a better God than you, huh?
Kami: Not better! Just... stronger and more powerful in every way, and on a higher position of the hierarchy than me.
Gokou: So you're like a really weak God, huh?
Kami: Quiet. (sniff)
Gokou: Weak God, weak God, ha ha ha ha!
Kami: (Crying) I'm not weak!
Gokou: Don't be such a crybaby! So how do I get to this King Kai guy?
Kami: (sob) You'll have to go over this impossibly long thing, snake way (sniff) It'll take forever.
Gokou: (sigh) All right, if I have to.
Kami: Well, get going.
Gokou: Bye. (runs off)
Kami:
I probably should have told him he could just walk through that door
instead of going all the way through snake way, but he was a real
asshole. Heh heh. Sure hope he makes it in time to save his friends.
Heh heh heh.
Random passerby: You're a real jerk, Kami.
Meanwhile, at the Piccolo residence
Piccolo: ... so that's why I have to train you for a year.
Gohan: Okay. So... let's start.
Piccolo:
Sure. Okay. First I'll teach you... how to punch. Now watch carefully.
(he punches a rock, and it cracks into pieces)
Gohan: Cool! Let me try. (he lightly touches a rock with his fingers. Nothing happens.)
Piccolo: No, no, no. Not like that. That wasn't punching, that was touching. Do it with your fist closed, and harder.
Gohan: Okay. (he closes his fist... around a small rock, and picks it up) Like this?
Piccolo: No, that was picking up.
Gohan. Oh.
Piccolo: (looks at his watch) I guess that's enough for today. Let's get something to eat.
Piccolo and Gohan are at a baseball game
A fly ball comes out towards them, but it goes over their heads.
Piccolo: (flies up and catches it) Here you go Gohan.
Gohan: Yay!
Throwing a frisbee in the park
Piccolo: Catch it Gohan! (throws the frisbee)
Gohan: (it flies over his shoulder, and he seems to miss it)
Piccolo: That's okay.
Gohan: (holds it up, having caught it with his tail. Giggles.)
Piccolo: Oh, you.
Sitting in front of a TV together
Man on TV: Dude, you couldn't pick up that chick if you had a forklift.
Audience: (laughs)
Piccolo & Gohan: (laugh)
Piccolo reading Gohan a story in bed
Piccolo: ...and they lived happily ever after.
Gohan: Yay! I want another one!
Piccolo: Nope, time to go to bed. (tucks Gohan in) Good night. (turns off the light)
Gohan: I love you mister Piccolo.
Piccolo: (a tear comes to his eye as he walks out of the room.) I really should be training him, but... oh well.
End Episode Three
On
the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, I'll butcher the story line
even more as all the characters continue training. And by continue
training, I mean start training, as no actual training went on in this
episode despite the title "Training and Stuff." But who will stop
Chi-Chi from destroying more innocent lives in her quest for revenge
against her temporarily deceased husband? Find out in the next exiting
episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "People actually train this time (maybe)"
