Episode 6

Episode 6
"Everybody dies, but that's okay."
On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, the evil Saiyans finally arrived on Earth. Now the Z fighters will bravely confront them, beginning a battle for which the price of failure is the total destruction of the Earth. But will they be able to handle it without Gokou? No, of coarse not.

Running along snake way...

Gokou: I'm totally kicking King Kai's grrr next time I die.

At the Piccolo residence...

Piccolo: crap, crap, crap. Okay, we still have a few minutes before we really have to fight them... let's train.

Gohan: Um... all right. What do you want me to do?

Piccolo: We have to work on that punch thing I was teaching you. Okay, put your fingers together like you're going to grab something. No, don't actually grab something. Yeah, like that. Now extend your arm rapidly forward. No no, faster. That won't hurt anyone.

Gohan: How about this? (punches the air)

Piccolo: (smiles broadly) You got it! (looks nervously at horizon) Okay, time to go now. You'll do fine. (picks Gohan up, and they fly off)

In the middle of a large city, Nappa and Vegeta are being gawked at by a large crowd.

Crowd: "Oh my God!" "What's going on?" "They fell right out of the sky!"

Vegeta: These people are stupid.

Nappa: That's okay, I'm gonna blow up this city. DESTROY CITY ATTACK! (he creates a huge explosion that disintegrates all the buildings for miles around)

Vegeta: Heh heh heh. Good one Nappa. Too bad all those people were able to evacuate in time.

Nappa: Yeah, they sure ran fast.

Vegeta: (shrugs) It's adrenaline. Everyone in the city was able to evacuate in less than half a second. They're over THERE now, in that part of the city that we DIDN'T destroy.

Nappa: (shoots an energy blast at the part of the city Vegeta pointed to, causing a similar explosion) There, now they're dead.

Vegeta: Yeah, now they're dead. Let's go get those dragon balls now. (He flies off, followed by Nappa)

At master Roshi's house.

Oolong: Hey, look at the TV!

TV announcer: This just in. A large section of our special decoy city has been destroyed by some unknown force, killing thousands of robotic townspeople. I repeat, all the people killed were robots.

Bulma: Oh my god! Those poor robots!

Master Roshi: What kind of a SICK BASTARD would slaughter an innocent robot!

Turtle: Not even I do that.

Bulma: It has to be the Saiyans. Hurry Gokou. You must seek revenge for the deaths of all those poor innocent robots!

TV announcer: This just in, we have someone here who seems to know something about what's going on.

Yajirobe: Hi, I'm Piccolo's zany next door neighbor Yajirobe. I'm going to explain to the press about the Saiyans, while comically claiming to be the leader of the group that is fighting them, and demanding free food. Hey wait a minute, didn't I get eaten by a dinosaur?

Master Roshi: Oh, that crazy Yajirobe! You never know WHAT he'll do next!

Baba: (comes through the door) I do! I can see the future!

Audience: (laughs)

Flying around somewhere.

Vegeta: So all we have to do is find the highest power level on this world, and that will probably be the Namek. He'll tell us where to get the dragon balls.

Nappa: Yeah, good plan. Let's look. (he looks into the scouter) Well let's see... over there is a................ (his face goes pale white)

Vegeta: What? What is it? (using his scouter, he looks in the same direction. His face too goes white) T-t-twenty... twenty MILLION?!

Nappa: What... what on this planet could possibly have a power level that high?

Chi-Chi: (watching TV inside the burnt out husk of a town)

Yajirobe (on TV): So my friend Gokou died, but he's okay now.

Chi-Chi: We'll see about that. (she flies off in the direction of the destroyed city)

Nappa: It-it's heading toward us!

Vegeta: The scouter's clearly broken.

Nappa: Clearly.

Vegeta: (long pause) Want to find the second highest power level?

Nappa: Yeah, good idea.

Krillen, Yamucha, Tien and Chouzu are flying along to meet the Saiyans.

Yamucha: So remember, Krillen and Chouzu have both already died once. If they die again, we won't be able to wish them back.

Chiaotzu: Yes... (glares at Krillen) that would be a shame, wouldn't it?

Krillen: (glares at Chouzu) A horrible shame.

Piccolo is flying and carrying Gohan.

Piccolo: So Gohan, just keep punching them.

Gohan: What do you mean punching THEM?! Don't I just punch?!

Piccolo: Yes, but you have to make sure that when you punch, they are in the way of your fist. Otherwise it won't hurt them.

Gohan: Huh?! That's too complicated! You didn't tell me they had to be in the way! I'll never do it!

Piccolo: You'll do fine! Look! There they are!

Krillen: There they are!

Nappa: There they are!

They all land on the ground.

Vegeta: Okay, green guy. Tell us where the dragon balls are, or we'll have to do bad stuff to you.

Piccolo: No.

Vegeta: Okay then, you asked for it. I'll be forced to send progressively harder foes against you one at a time, beginning with a bunch of little plant guys and only after you defeat them sending Nappa, when I could just kill you myself in about half a second. This will provide time for any special events that you might be waiting for, such as the arrival of an ally who has the power to singlehandedly kill us both, to occur. Also, it will allow us to stretch out this final climactic battle into many multiple episodes, while at the same time allowing an event to actually take place in many of them.

Nappa: In future final climactic battles, we'll use similar tactics to stretch things out, such as giving the bad evil villain the ability to change its shape ten or twenty times in a vain attempt to take a half a season of nothing but pure, straight fighting and make it somewhat interesting to viewers who lack an extra chromosome. (pulls down a slide projector screen out of nowhere, on which appears a scene of an episode from the battle with Frieza) You see? In this episode, Frieza is big and pink and has horns, which distinguishes it from other episodes in the battle, in many of which Frieza lacks one or more of those characteristics. Also, in this one Frieza stabs Krillen with the previously mentioned horn. That event does not take place in this episode. (the image switches to a nearly identical scene) You see? Each episode is a unique and interesting viewing experience.

Piccolo: Yeah, that sure sounds like a good plan. Are we going to fight now?

Vegeta: But you see, my green friend, this is yet another tactic we use to stretch things out. Long periods of meaningless dialogue.

Piccolo: Oh, I see. Let me try. I am stronger than any of you! I will defend the Earth!

Nappa: No, I am stronger! You will die in a painful way!

Piccolo: Heh heh. This is kind of fun. My finger is stronger than your while hand!

Vegeta: Which finger?

Running along snake way.

Gokou: Yep, I'm still running along snake way trying to get back to Earth quickly. Just like I was last time you saw me. I wonder if this is yet another tactic they use, repeatedly cutting to scenes of characters uninvolved in the action? Yeah, that's probably it.

At master Roshi's house.

News Announcer (on TV): This just in, we now have actual footage from the scene of the world-shaking battle for the fate of mankind. I bet it's a really good idea to get this close to it.

Bulma: Hey, there are all the guys chatting with the aliens!

Master Roshi: Maybe they're making friends.

Oolong: Hey, what are all those explosions?

News Announcer: Hmm... we seem to have lost the picture for some reason.

Bulma: Oh no! Now they killed the robotic news crew!

Baba: Don't worry, we can still see everything that's going on through my robotic crystal ball. I mean... not robotic.

Tien: Hey, it wasn't nice to kill destroy all those news people robots.

Vegeta: You're right! We should destroy YOU instead.

Audience: Oooohhh...

Vegeta: Hurry up and get those Saibaman things so we can start fighting, Nappa.

Nappa: Okay. REACH INTO BELT ATTACK! (reaches into his belt and pulls out some seeds).

Yamucha: Aren't we going to make more witty banter?

Nappa: ANSWER "NO" ATTACK! I mean... no. (plants the seeds, a bunch of little green plant people sprout from the ground.)

Chiaotzu: Hey, those monsters are pretty short, aren't they?

Krillen: Yeah, and I also notice they lack hair.

Krillen & Chiaotzu: (look at each other, then at the Saibamen. They smile evilly, and advance toward the new foes.)

Saibamen: (a bit intimidated, some take a step back)

Tien: We aren't going to let Krillen and Chiaotzu have all the fun of fighting these guys themselves, are we?

Yamucha: No, damn it!

They all launch into furious fighting.

Piccolo: Okay, Gohan. Punch them, just like I taught you!

Gohan: (looking nervous) Uhh... right. (he reaches out his arm, and pokes a saibaman)

Piccolo: No, goddamnit! Don't you remember a thing I taught you?

Gohan: (struggling to remember) Yeah... uh... first you reach out your hand and grab something... (he grabs Piccolo's arm)

Piccolo: No no NO! You worthless brat! Did I just waste HALF A freakING MINUTE training you? crap, you can't even throw a punch! All you do is sit around all day and watch TV while I'm busy working my grrr off... watching TV! And also... I'M NOT YOUR REAL FATHER!

Gohan: Well no crap.

Piccolo: Don't talk back to me young man! I am very disappointed in you! If you can't even help me save the planet, what the hell good are you?

Gohan: (eyes tearing up) I'm... I'm sorry. You hate me. (he runs over to a nearby rock and starts crying)

Piccolo: (calms down) I guess I was too hard on him. (walks over to Gohan) Look, I'm sorry. Sometimes grown ups get mad at you when you have a disagreement. But that doesn't mean they don't love you anymore.

Gohan: (looks up) It... it doesn't?

Piccolo: No, of coarse not. Always remember: No matter how upset I get, no matter what you do or what happens, I will always love you. Always. I promise.

Gohan: I love you too, mister Piccolo. (they embrace)

Saibaman: (interrupts their tender moment by smashing into the nearby rock, propelled by a strong blow from Tien)

Piccolo: Hey, watch it!

Tien: Sorry!

Krillen: Nothing shall stand between me and my rightful position as Alpha Midget! Least of all extra planetary scum like you! (caves a Saibaman's head in with a powerful kick)

Chiaotzu: Nothing except me, of coarse. (destroys another with a barrage of energy attacks)

Krillen & Chiaotzu: (growl at each other)

Vegeta: (eating popcorn and watching the fray in amusement)

Nappa: Where the hell did you get popcorn?

Vegeta: I... (looks confused) I actually don't know. (gets angry) Stop asking stupid questions! (hits Nappa on the head with a large mallet)

Yamucha: (facing off against one Saibaman) Okay, you little green freak. Prepare to be sent to plant hell!

Saibaman: (leaps forward with incredible speed, and latches on to Yamucha)

Yamucha: Huh? Oh, I see. These things might seem like viscous little plant monsters, but deep down inside they're really hurting. All they want is a little love. (hugs the Saibaman back) It's okay. Everything is going to be... okay.

Saibaman: [EXPLODE]

At Master Roshi's house.

Bulma: (watching the action) Sweet god no! Not Yamucha! My darling Yamucha! (crying uncontrollably) Oh god... why?! Why god WHY?! I... I love you Yamucha.

Turtle: Hey Bulma, stop playing "Let's Pretend Death Means Something" and bicker comedically with Baba.

Bulma: Oh, all right. Baba, you're like old and stuff!

Baba: Bitch.

Back at the battlefield, all of the Saibamen have been destroyed.

Tien: Yeah! We kick grrr!

Nappa: Now it's time for me to kill you all singlehandedly. STEP FORWARD MENACINGLY ATTACK! (steps forward menacingly)

Tien: I don't think so. It's not as if we're all pathetic weaklings only good for stalling the bad guys by getting beaten up by them while we wait for Gokou to arrive. Let's get im!

They all begin battle with Nappa

Nappa: (shrugging off blows and repeatedly destroying mountains with stray blasts) Yeah, it's certainly not as if that were the case. (knocks Tien's arm off)

Piccolo: Ouch, that looked familiar.

Nappa: Hey, everyone, let's give my friend here a HAND! [etc.]

Tien: (laying on the ground in pain) crap, that really hurts. Now I have three eyes AND I'm missing an arm. Even Krillen has a batter chance of getting a date than me. Hey, why do I have three eyes anyway? That's never really been explained at all.

Chiaotzu: Nooooo!! Not my friend Tien! (grabs onto Nappa's back)

Nappa: Hey! What the--

Chiaotzu: Now I'm going to do my ultimate attack! (suddenly explodes)

Tien: Oh no! Chiaotzu!

Piccolo: He must have self destructed. Too bad it wasn't enough.

Krillen: (standing behind the place where Chiaotzu just was) Yes... yes, that's it. Heh heh heh. That's what he did, self destructed. (laughing evilly) Bwa ha ha ha! (in mock sympathy) Poor Chiaotzu. My old friend. He can't even be brought back with the Dragon Balls. Such a shame. It appears I am now... ALPHA MIDGET!

On snake way

Gokou: Yep, I'm still running along snake way. (nods his head) Still running. I'm not there yet.

Back at the battle.

Tien: Chiaotzu! My BEST FRIEND! I will destroy you! (fires one final gigantic energy blast at Nappa, before collapsing dead from exhaustion)

Nappa: (surrounded by smoke)

Krillen: All that smoke around him probably means he's dead, doesn't it?

Piccolo: Probably.

Nappa: (revealed virtually unhurt as the smoke clears)

Gohan: Gee. Two people just did their final sacrificial attacks against him and he's still not even that weakened. I must say that's very embarrassing for us.

Krillen: As soon as Gokou gets here, you're like totally dead and stuff.

Vegeta: Gokou? You mean Kakarot? He's a wimp.

Krillen: Nuh uh!

Vegeta: Really? Okay then, we'll wait for him to get here. But only a few hours.

Nappa: (talking in private to Vegeta) Uh... why would you possibly want to wait for the arrival of the only person who could possibly give them a chance of victory?

Vegeta: Because I'm a die-hard optimist, and I think I still have a chance of getting him to join us. It's just like all those times I think I'm a Super Saiyan even though I have no reason to believe I am one. You've got to have a positive outlook.

Nappa: But... what prevents us from asking him AFTER we kill these guys?

Vegeta: I don't think he'd be too happy about us killing his kid is all.

Nappa: Yeah, and I'm sure he'll be so totally okay with us killing all his OTHER friends.

Vegeta: Are you being sarcastic again?

Nappa: No, of coooaaarse not.

Vegeta: I've told you to stop doing that.

Nappa: I'm soooo sorry.

Vegeta: Apology accepted.

Nappa: Do you mind if I destroy a fleet of ships while we wait?

Vegeta: Knock yourself out.

Some time later.

Gohan: Hey Nappa, you smell like toe nails.

Nappa: Shut up. Words can hurt you know.

Even later.

Vegeta: Well, Kakarot still isn't here, and my immense optimism seems to have run low. I guess its time for us to just kill you.

Krillen: Eep.

Nappa: Now who should I kill first! I know, the one who isn't helping them at all! (takes aim as Gohan)

Piccolo: Noooo! Gohan! (leaps in front of him)

Nappa: (accidentally fries Piccolo instead) Hey.

Gohan: Mister Piccolo!

Piccolo: Isn't it ironic and unexpected that just a few months ago I was an evil demon trying to take over the world and kill your dad, and now I just sacrificed my life for you?

Gohan: Yes, very unexpected. Even more so than when every other Dragon Ball villain also turned good. Even more so than when Vegeta will turn good eventually.

Vegeta: I will not!

Gohan: Suuuure.

Piccolo: Well, bye until season 3. (dies)

Nappa: Okay, now I'm serious. I'm totally killing that kid now!

Krillen: Gohan! Run!

Gohan: No, Piccolo wouldn't want me to run. Piccolo would want me to lie on the ground and die. I think.

Nappa: Okay, I'm gonna smash your head in with my boot.

Gokou: (at the end of snake way) Yes! I'm almost there now! Hang on Gohan and others! I'm coming!

Nappa: I'm just about to smash your head in with my boot. I'm doing it. Rrrriiiight...

Gokou: (leaping down from heaven, he deftly grabs some Senzu beans from a strange white cat who no one who hasn't seen Dragon Ball recognizes). I'm coming! Just hold on!

Nappa: Rrrriiight.... now! In just a second.

Gokou: (runs on to the scene) Hey everyone, how are you? (notices the assorted dead bodies) Oh, I see.

Vegeta: It's Kakarot! Sorry I accidentally killed off another of your friends before you got here. But to be fair you were rather late.

Gokou: (making small talk with Krillen) Hi Krillen, how's every little thing? How's the weather been? Oh, heaven? It was okay I guess. So you're Alpha Midget now, huh? Congratulations.

Vegeta: Hey, is this guy gonna fight us?

Nappa: Only after he demonstrates how cool and confident he is by talking calmly with his kid and best friend for a while right in front of us.

Gokou: How about you Gohan?

Gohan: I'm great! Piccolo let me watch sitcoms all day and didn't make me do any work, and I ate ice cream for breakfast every morning! Too bad about him dying and all.

Gokou: It'll pass. Anyway, eat this senzu bean Krillen.

Krillen: Naw, I don't need it. I think you should use it in the fight.

Gokou: No, I'll be okay. You have it.

Krillen: No, seriously, these broken ribs aren't that bad.

Gokou: Yeah, but I really wish you would take it though.

Krillen: No, seriously, you keep it.

Gokou: I'll be fine.

Krillen: You'll need it more than me.

Gokou: I said I'll be fine. Don't you think I can win this battle without a senzu bean?

Krillen: And don't you think I can tell if I'm badly hurt enough to need it?

Gokou: It's my senzu bean, so I decide who gets to eat it! And its you!

Krillen: It's not YOURS! They belong to everyone!

Gokou: Don't give me that crap!

Krillen: I am not eating the damn senzu bean!

Gokou: Just take it you little freak!

Vegeta: Shut the hell up!

End Episode Six

Next episode: Will Gokou and Krillen shut the hell up? Who will win in the Earth-shaking battle between the Saiyans and Gokou? And what of Chi-Chi, who at this very moment is hurtling through the skies to her husband's approximate location? Find out all this and more in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "People get hurt really, really, really bad."