Episode 4

  Episode Four
"A Filler Episode"
Gokou: Hi, this is Gokou! Welcome to a filler episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite! This is one of those episodes where nothing important happens to move along the plot, we just waste up time with side adventures and zany character interaction! Since Dragon Ball Z moves at such an excruciatingly slow pace, we have very little of these, but we have to have one every once in a while, or else only 0.8 things would happen per episode, and we must maintain the 1 event/episode pace we have now. Anyway, on with the show!

On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, the series started to go downhill, with the jokes not being as funny as the first two episodes. Will this one continue the downward spiral into oblivion, eventually ending with episode 32 where all I do is make clumsy references to Ricky Martin? Yes. Yes it will.

Two beings of incredible power are hurtling through space at greater than light speed in two tiny spherical shaped space pods.

Nappa: I... can't even move. I have a really bad itch on my leg. Argh! These things are horrible! Can it really cost that much more to make a decent sized space ship?

Vegeta: Stop your whining! I'm perfectly comfortable!

Nappa: That's because you're like 5 feet tall!

Vegeta: 5'2" you bitch.

Nappa: Seriously, I've gotta get out of this and stretch. That... that itch isn't going away!

Vegeta: Fine, we'll crash into that planet there and you can stretch. But we're destroying it afterwards.

Nappa: It would also be nice if these things actually had a way to land instead of just crashing into a planet.

The two space ships fall from the sky, at incredible speeds and crash down on the small world.

Nappa: (kicks the door open and scrambles out) Phew. I can BREATHE!

Vegeta: (calmly steps out of his ship)

Just then, two bug things walk into view. Like all other beings in the universe, they speak English (Japanese?)

Bug Thing 1: Stop right there! In the name of the Evil Empire of Bug Things, you two are under arrest for the crime of being aliens! Now come to the Emperor Bug Thing's palace and get involved in our little political struggles!

Vegeta: Okay. (holds out his hands and allows himself to be taken)

At the arena of Bug Thing Palace

Emperor Bug Thing: I'm taking my wife for a lovely evening of watching people slaughter each other. Look honey, see how that guy caved that other guy's head in?

Girl Bug Thing: (you can tell she's a girl because she's pink) Yeah, that's sure great. I just wish you hadn't taken me from my one true love, Boy Bug Thing, who also happens to be a member of the resistance against your evil rule, and forced me to marry you.

Emperor Bug Thing: Well you ARE the only female of our species. It was that or marry Steve here.

Steve Bug Thing: (whispers to Girl Bug Thing) Psst. He's horrible in bed, isn't he?

Girl Bug Thing: (giggles and nods yes)

Guard Bug Thing: (steps in) Your majesty, a couple of our guards were out patrolling the middle of nowhere like you asked, and they arrested these two aliens.

Emperor Bug Thing: I KNEW that middle of nowhere patrol would pay off!

Guard Bug Thing: Do you want us to dissect them and steal the technology from their spacecraft to make UFOs of our own or something?

Emperor Bug Thing: Hmm... naw. Just bring them into this room, right in front of me, and have guys attack them while I watch.

Guard Bug Thing: Okay.

Steve Bug Thing: That's what you ALWAYS do. Maybe you should be a little more creative.

Emperor Bug Thing: Shut up Steve. (knocks him into a wall)

Nappa and Vegeta are led into the arena by two guards

Vegeta: Well look at this. We seem to have coincidentally wound up inside the stronghold of the Evil Empire of Bug Things, right in front of their emperor.

Nappa: Funny, that.

Emperor Bug Thing: Wah hah hah! Now I will make you fight to the death for my entertainment!

Vegeta: No. (zaps emperor Bug Thing, instantly killing him)

Bug Thing 1: Uh oh, those guys just killed our emperor.

Bug Thing 2: I guess that means... his evil reign of terror is over!

Bug Thing 1: Hooray! Now we're all free!

Bug Thing 2: Thank you for liberating us, aliens! We'll always remember you!

Nappa: Okaysure. Bye.

Nappa and Vegeta fly off in their space ships.

Steve Bug Thing: They seemed nice.

Up above the planet.

Nappa: Gee, that was sure pointless.

Vegeta: That's why it's a filler episode. Now lets destroy the planet.

On the planet..

Boy Bug Thing: Girl Bug Thing my darling! At last you've returned to my battered soul! (they embrace)

Vegeta: Heh heh, I sure did destroy that planet, huh Nappa.

Nappa: Gee, that was poignant. Those two bug things were in love and looking forward to a bright future, and we just callously killed them.

Vegeta: Um... we killed more than just the ones that were in love. We destroyed the whole planet.

Nappa: Yeah but... those other ones we killed weren't in love or anything. So they don't matter.

Vegeta: Yeah, you're right. Let's get back to heading to Earth now.

Nappa: Okay.

The ships fly off into space.

Meanwhile, on planet Earth, inside Dr. Cardboard's office.

Dr. Cardboard: (looks at his schedule) I guess it's time to analyze the data from Piccolo's latest heart examination now. (he reaches aside to the table with a folder marked "Piccolo" on it, but accidentally picks up a different folder marked "Old Mister Withers")

Audience: Uh oh...

Dr. Cardboard: (opens the folder and examines the papers within. His eyes go wide) Sweet God! Nurse Tissue Paper, get me Piccolo right this instant!

Audience: (laughs)

Nurse Tissue Paper: Right away doctor! (she picks up a phone and dials, then hands it to the doctor.)

Gohan: (he answers) Hello, Piccolo residence.

Dr. Cardboard: Hello, Gohan right?

Gohan: Yeah.

Dr. Cardboard: Gohan, is Piccolo there?

Gohan: Yeah, I'll get him.

Dr. Cardboard: No! Don't get him! Now listen carefully. This is Dr. Cardboard. I just got the results of Piccolo's heart examination, and it seems he's in terrible shape.

Gohan: Golly gee! How did that happen?

Dr. Cardboard: I don't know. It's probably all the fighting he does. It causes his heart a lot of stress. Now he's in such bad shape that if he fights any more, he could... pass on into the next dimension.

Gohan: You mean die?

Dr. Cardboard: What? Little kids can't know about death!

Gohan: Umm... rriiiiiiight. So anyway, what should I do? I guess I should tell him to stop fighting!

Dr. Cardboard: No! You can't! I'm afraid his heart's in such bad condition that if he found out, that could kill him too!

Gohan: (gasp)

Dr. Cardboard: The only way to be sure he'll be safe is if you stop him from ever fighting again, but don't tell him about his problem. You have to do that for him.

Audience: (laughs)

Gohan: I'll do anything for Mr. Piccolo.

Dr. Cardboard: Okay! Remember: NO fighting. (hangs up)

Gohan: (hangs up the phone)

Piccolo: (walks into the room) Hey Gohan, who was that on the phone?

Gohan: Um... your sister.

Piccolo: What?! I don't have a sister! Nameks don't even have a sex!

Yajirobe: (walks through the front door) Did somebody say sex?

Audience: (laughs and applauds)

Gohan: Hey, its our zany next door neighbor Yajirobe! Let's go talk to him and ignore the weird thing I just said.

Piccolo: Oh okay. Hi Yajirobe. What's up?

Yajirobe: I just thought up another wacky get-rich-quick scheme! You see, if we take a pig and breed it with a pelican....

Piccolo and Gohan: (nodding heads and pretending to listen)

Yajirobe: ...and the result would be that we would have DOUBLE the amount of tin foil we started with, and we could resell it for a profit! So what do you think guys, are you in?

Piccolo: Gee Yajirobe, I'd love to, but I'm looking to make money in a way that's maybe a little less stupid.

Audience: Oooooohhh.

Yajirobe: All right man, your loss. Maybe I'll let you ride my yacht when I'm a BILLIONAIRE! (he walks off)

Audience: (laughs)

Gohan: Oh, that Yajirobe.

Piccolo: What will he think of next?

Suddenly they hear a roar from the distance

Piccolo: Oh no, a dinosaur's attacking the village! I'll go stop it!

Gohan: (gasp) No, you can't!

Piccolo: What?! Why not?!

Gohan: Because... you have to read me a story!

Piccolo: I'll read you a story when I get back! I have to save the village!

Gohan: (fake tears coming to his eyes) But... but you promised.

Audience: Awwww....

Piccolo: (looks down at Gohan, then in the direction of the village, then back at Gohan) Oh... okay, but just a quick one.

Audience: (laughs)

Gohan: (leads Piccolo into the house)

Meanwhile, at Kami's big floating island thing

Tien: (exchanging kicks and punches with Yamucha) See? Some Random Guy DID work training into this episode.

Yamucha: Yeah, I guess he did. Hey, have you seen Chouzu and Krillen?

Kami: (walks in) I have Chouzu training in a little gravity room I made for him.

Yamucha: Gravity room?

Kami: It's a special device that amplifies gravity for use in training. Chouzu is training under the 3x setting.

Tien: Yeah, that should help.

Near the gravity room

Krillen: (walking by, he sees Chouzu through the window)

Chouzu: (punching and kicking the air, he sees Krillen standing outside looking at him)

Krillen: (glare)

Chouzu: (glare)

Krillen: Well, what do we have here. (he spies a dial on the outside of the room) Hmm, it's set to 3x. 3x? Is that all? Heh heh, Chouzu will never get strong in time to beat the Saiyans under THAT setting. I'll just help him a little. (turns the dial up to 5)

Chouzu: (having trouble standing under the suddenly heavier gravity setting. He leans on a wall, and spies Krillen outside screwing with the dial) Krillen! No!

Krillen: (shakes his head 'yes', smiling evilly) Hmm.. 5 is still not enough, huh? (he switches the dial to 10)

Chouzu: (his legs buckle and he falls to the ground hard) crap! Krillen! I'm gonna kill you! (he slowly, painfully begins crawling to the door, not able to stand)

Krillen: (sees Chouzu trying to escape) What?! Nonono, you can't quit training NOW! Don't give up Chouzu! Reach for your dreams! You're only limited by your imagination! (he spins the dial wildly) Wheeee... (it lands on about 30)

Chouzu: (being crushed into the ground)

Kami: (walks over to check on Chouzu) Krillen, what are you-- Ack! (he pushes Krillen aside, and quickly sets the dial back to 1) Damn it Krillen, you guys said you would stop trying to kill each other.

Krillen: But I was HELPING him. (snicker)

Kami: (throws open the door, and helps Chouzu to his feet, out of the indent he has made in the floor) Are you okay, Chouzu?

Chouzu: (stumbles out of the room)

Krillen: DAMN! He's alive.

Chouzu: You're a bitch, Krillen.

Back at Piccolo's house

Piccolo: And they lived happily ever after the end! (hears the roaring sound again) Now I've gotta go! I think its getting closer!

Gohan: Just one more!

Piccolo: I already read you three!

Audience: (laughs)

Piccolo: Sorry, bye! (he runs out the door)

Gohan: Oh no! If I let Piccolo fight that dinosaur with his heart condition, he could die! (he runs out the door after him) Piccolo, wait! (he runs over to the edge of a cliff outside their house) Mister Piccolo! Help me! I'm... I'm falling! (he jumps off)

Audience: (laughs)

Piccolo: Gohan! NOOOOO!! (he flies down, and grabs hold of Gohan before he hits the bottom)

Gohan: Phew! Thanks for saving me mister Piccolo!

Piccolo: It was nothing. (places Gohan back down at the edge of the cliff) Now I'll go save the village! I think that dinosaur is really close now!

Yajirobe: (he has just walked by) Hey guys, I was wondering if...

Gohan: (pushes Yajirobe off the cliff) Oh no! Now Yajirobe's falling!

Piccolo: Yajirobe! NOOOOO!! (saves Yajirobe)

Audience: (laughs)

Yajirobe: Woooah. Gohan, why did you--

Gohan: Now we're both falling! (grabs Yajirobe's hand and pulls him off the cliff with him)

Piccolo: Gohan! Yajirobe! NOOOOO!!

Several minutes later

Piccolo: (carrying Gohan, he puts him down in his room) There, and I'll lock the door. Now you won't be able to fall off the cliff again! I'll build a tall fence tomorrow, that thing's really dangerous! But now I have to go fight the dinosaur, I can hear it! It's almost at this house! (he shuts the door and runs away)

Yajirobe: What the hell is wrong with Gohan, anyway? And they think I'M crazy.

Audience: (laughs)

Gohan: Oh no, he can't fight that dinosaur! He has a bad heart condition, and he could die if he does! (climbs out the window) Wait Piccolo!

Dinosaur: (it can now be seen, walking up to the house)

Piccolo: Don't worry, I'll protect you Gohan!

Gohan: No! You can't!

Piccolo: What?! Why?!

Gohan: I guess I'll have to tell you, even if its risky. You see, Dr. Cardboard called earlier today and told me your heart is in bad shape from fighting, and if you did anymore it could kill you!

Piccolo: (gasp)

Gohan: But I couldn't tell you because he said that could kill you too!

Piccolo: (looking shocked)

Gohan: Please! Don't get too upset! Your heart!

Suddenly the phone rings

Gohan: I'll get it. Hello?

Dr. Cardboard: Hello, Gohan! I'm afraid there's been... a little mistake.

Gohan: Mistake?

Dr. Cardboard: Yes. It seems I accidentally mixed up Piccolo's file with Old Mister Withers'. Piccolo's heart is in perfect condition. He can fight all he wants.

Gohan: Really?! That's great!

Dr. Cardboard: Yes, well I'm very sorry. But not as sorry as Mister Withers was. Heh heh. Oh my.

Audience: (laughs)

Gohan: Well, I'm sure glad he's okay. I'll tell him right away

Dr. Cardboard: Great. I sure hope you didn't have any... trouble over this.

Gohan: No, none at all.

Audience: (laughs)

Gohan: (hangs up) Mister Piccolo! Guess what! That was the doctor! It was all a mistake! You can fight all you want!

Piccolo: Really? All right! But wait a minute, you went to all that trouble, jumping off the cliff and everything, just for me?

Gohan: Of coarse I did. I love you mister Piccolo.

Audience: Awwwww...

Yajirobe: Oh my God! (being eaten by the dinosaur) Arrrgh! Help me! Please!

Gohan and Piccolo: (hugging)

Yajirobe: Sweet God no! The pain! The pain!

Back at Kami's place, dinner is being eaten.

Chouzu: Heh heh heh. I cooked up a special dinner for you guys. Heh heh heh.

Krillen: Wait a minute, Chouzu cooked the dinner?

Chouzu: Heh heh, yep. (he gives plates of some sort of rice to everyone there) Here Krillen, I made a SPECIAL one just for you. (he hands a plate to Krillen)

Krillen: Erm... hey look everyone, it's Gokou! (he switches his and Chouzu's plates while their backs are turned)

Yamucha: I don't see him.

Krillen: It must have just been a bird.

Chouzu: Hmm... hey, look, it's Piccolo!

Some time later

Kami: Okay! NO more distractions! You two just sit down and eat! We're not looking at ANYTHING!

Krillen: (not quite sure where the plate ended up) Oookay... sure.

Chouzu: (not sure either) Right... eat.

Krillen and Chouzu: (they both take small bites, then stare at each other for a few tense seconds. Surprisingly, nothing happens.)

Chouzu: Hey, what happened to the poison?

All: POISON?! (they back away from their plates)

Krillen: I KNEW it!

Chouzu: You tried to kill me in the gravity room!

Mr. Popo: (walks in, and sits down at his plate) Hey everyone, sorry I'm late. (takes a bite of his food. Suddenly, he starts spasming uncontrollably. Blood comes from his nose and mouth, and he knocks chairs over. Finally, he is still)

Chouzu: Oops, it must have somehow gotten switched to Mr. Popo's plate. Sorry.

Kami: That's enough! You guys have GOT to stop trying to kill each other! I mean it this time!

Chouzu: You're right Kami, I'm sorry. (looks ashamed)

Krillen: Yeah, me too. (also looks ashamed)

Kami: Oh, all right then.

Chouzu: Too bad about Mr. Popo dying, though.

Krillen: Yeah, too bad about that.

All: (laugh)

Freeze frame

End Episode Four

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, who knows what I'll do? I sure don't. But whatever it is, it'll be really funny, rest assured. Really, it will be.