Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations
It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood
          Crazy Randomness          
-::- Date * June 22, 2002 * -::- Time * 3:38 pm * -::-


"All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."
-The Wonder Years

I was looking for quotes and I came across this one. Made me think. I highly doubt someone is searching for me but who knows. Maybe one day I'll find someone that will love me and make me complete.

-::- Feeling * Lonely * -::-


-::- Date * June 15, 2002 * -::- Time * 12:16 am * -::-


I took this purity test and apparently I'm 56% pure. I'm not exactly sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. They don't really explain your score. Damn my head is hurting so bad.

Sometimes I think about how my life is going and I realize how truly unhappy I am. It sucks to be alone all the time. It sucks to know that my only life is online. I spend like 10 hrs a day online. That's like a sickness I think. I stayed at Mikey and Diane's house last night and Diane was like "you are obsessed with the computer." And the crazy thing is she's completely right. I am. I wouldn't stay at their house if I couldn't get online. I can't go an entire day without getting online. I wonder what the deal is with that. I know I'm not the only person like this. I just wish I had something to do with my time. I say that but I'm not willing to change my life in any way. Seems much easier to complain about it then to actually fix the problem. But isn't that how most things are? Anyway I'm gonna try to find some more tests to take.

-::- Feeling * Grumpy * -::-


-::- Date * June 3, 2002 * -::- Time * 9:18 pm * -::-

vv This explains so well how I feel vv

Goodbye
by Alicia Keys

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was nave
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

-::- Feeling * Crushed * -::-


-::- Date * June 9, 2002 * -::- Time * 8:48 pm * -::-

It's been forever since I wrote in my journal. A lots happened. Last time I wrote was the night Jim and I went out. It was the happiest night of my life. I couldn't tell you about a time where I was more happier than that night. Well the next day him and I talked and he was just as happy about the time we spent together. But that night he told me we couldn't be together. He completely broke my heart. He said it had to be that way and I should just forget about him. How could I forget about him? I was completely and totally in love with him. So here it is a little over a month later and he still wants nothing to do with me. I called him a few days ago thinking that maybe if I left him alone for a few weeks that he would come to his senses but he didn't. He keeps telling me not to call him anymore and that I need to moved on. The last time we talked was the thursday that just past. He told me my happiness shouldn't depend on someone else. He also told me I was too clingy and co-dependent. Before I called him I thought that by pouring my heart out he would think about what he was doing to me. But it didn't work. It's so weird cause when I talk to him now he's like a totally different person. His voice sounds different and his attitude is different. I think to myself "Who is this person?" "This is not the person I fell in love with" I could never fall in love with someone that could treat me the way he's been treating me. He's so cold now, so uncaring. I don't know how I'm just supposed to move on. I don't know how I'm just supposed to pretend he doesn't exist. I don't know how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life never being able to feel his touch again. The most amazing thing about the night we were together was when he just held my hand. I've never felt so comfortable. I've never felt so complete then when he held me. I hate this. I'm so weak. I can't even talk about him without crying. How can he be so strong? I'll never understand.

-::- Feeling * Crushed * -::-
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