Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations
It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood
          Crazy Randomness          
-::- Date * July 31, 2002 * -::- Time * 6:46 am * -::-


For some reason I just haven't felt like sleeping. No matter how tired I am I stay up. I didn't go to sleep at all last night. I stayed up until around noon today and I fell asleep for about an hour and a half I took another nap from about 6 to 7:30. Liana called and woke me up. It's weird b/c she called the main line to my house and my mom brought the phone to me. Kinda unusual. My mom will usually just tell whoever calls that I'm sleeping. She must've been in a good mood. Liana and I talked for a while and Josh called so I got off the phone with Liana. I was wondering if that's wrong or not. I chose him over her. She didn't seem to mind though. She asked me to call her tomorrow. I'm gonna see if she wants to do something tomorrow evening. Why do I keep saying tomorrow. It's already wednesday.

I'm going crazy not having a car. Those bastards better hurry up and fix my car so I can get out of this freakin house.

When I was talking to Liana her sister Sarah said she needed to use the phone and Liana said she was talking to me. Then I remember that I was supposed to call Sarah and I didn't. Oops. Sarah and I were talking earlier online and she asked me if I wanted to do something. Then she told me to call her. I hope she's not mad that I didn't call. So anyway I was talking to Josh and it seems like whenever I talk to him I get sad. He asked me why I always seem unhappy when I talk to him and I told him that sometimes I just have a really difficult time dealing with our situation. He's so far away and it's difficult not being able to spend time with him. I care about him so much and all I have is a phone/internet relationship with him and it's really difficult. He said he'll be back in MD in about 2 months. It's driving me crazy waiting for that to happen. He's so incredibly sweet that it seems kinda unreal at times. Whenever I'm feeling down he can always tell and he always makes me feel better. He'll either say something completely stupid that will make me crack up laughing or he'll say something so sweet that will make me feel all tingly inside. Part of me is afraid to get too close b/c all of my experiences with guys have always turned out negative. I have the hardest time trusting guys so to keep myself from getting really hurt I always try to keep my distance. But see the thing with Josh is I don't feel the need to protect myself. I'm not to the point where I'm completely open with him but I'm pretty damn close. It scares me that I'm so trusting of him. We're so far apart yet I believe him when he's says he only wants to be with me. I trust that he's not doing anything with anyone else. I never thought I would be able to do that. Funny how love does that. Did I say love? WTF? Am I stupid to love someone that I never see? He loves me too and that's a good feeling. It's funny b/c I never thought anything would come of Josh and I. It's been almost a year since we first met. It's kinda hard to believe. I wish that I would've realize how much I cared about him when he was in MD. I'm positive things would be completely different. I don't think he would've went to FL. But of course I was too stupid to recognize a good thing when it was right in front of my face. I'm an idiot, I know. Thankfully Josh doesn't give up. When I pushed him away that didn't stop him from trying to talk to me. He never stopped caring even though I was a bitch at times. Sometimes I look at things I've done and I wonder if I try to make myself unhappy. Know how people work toward happiness? It's like I work toward unhappiness. I think I definitely have a new perspective on life. I've gotten rid of all the negatives and I'm focusing on the positives. Good idea huh? I think so.

Let's see what else is on my mind. Oh yeah my mom is pissing me off so bad. She's supposed to help me with my resume so I can get myself a J-O-B but it's taking her forever to help me. I made the resume already but she says we need to tweek it lol. Well so far it's been a week and a half and she hasn't looked at my damn resume one time. I was thinking of being a smart ass and print my resume out a bunch of times and taping them all over the house. Maybe she would get the hint then.

Ooh I can't wait until Aug. 9th. Triple X comes out with Vin Diesel. You best be believing I'm going to see that ish. The other day my mom and I were in the kitchen and we have a tv in there (as should every American family) and the preview for XXX came on. I said to my mom "Damn Vin Diesel is hot" and she said "Yeah he is. He's not really handsome though but there's something about him" and I said "Yeah he's a sexy bastard" and laughed and said "Oh yeah." Kinda hard to believe me and my mom agree on that. We never agree on anything.

Jonathon Brandis looks crazy freaky in the new Korn video Thoughtless. He has whote contacts. Weird.

Wow I just started feeling really dizzy. That's weird.

I just thought of something. The lead singer from Dashboard Confessional is mad hot. Damn I love guys with tattoos. I had this thing for Josey Scott from Saliva until I heard him talk. He is a country bumpkin. Never would've guess. Ahh well he's still hot as long as he keeps his mouth closed lol.

I'm gonna try to add a quote to my profile but I don't have enough room. I'll make room damn it. It's a really awesome quote that made me think of my friend Mary Ann "we weren't sisters by birth..but we knew from the start..fate brought us together to be sisters at heart." Sometimes I don't think Mary Ann knows how much she means to me. I have much love for her. Anyway I'm gonna get to fixing up my profile.

-::- Feeling * Happy * -::-
-::- Listening to * Jennifer Love Hewitt ~ Barenaked * -::-


-::- Date * July 31, 2002 * -::- Time * 2:53 am * -::-


-::- Feeling * Confused * -::-


-::- Date * July 29, 2002 * -::- Time * 12:45 am * -::-


My car goes in the shop tomorrow to fix the dent I put in it last month. They have to replace the part that's dented and paint the door and fix the bumper b/c it's scratched. I have a feeling it's going to take at a least week to fix all that stuff. I'm gonna have mad cabin fever by the end of the week. I'm going to go completely nuts. Maybe I can get my dad to let me use his truck. Hmm that would be interesting. Oh yeah Mary Ann and I went to see Austin Powers in Goldmember. Very funny movie. Highly recommendable. Oh man I'm bored. La de da la de da what to do what to do. I guess I'll try to find some tests to take.

-::- Feeling * Bored * -::-


-::- Date * July 26, 2002 * -::- Time * 3:58 am * -::-


I picked Liana up from work tonight. She got me a free snowball yay yay Liana. We went driving around. We drove down Ritchie Highway to the mall. We went around to where the food court is b/c that's where most of the people are. Liana saw these guys in a pick up truck so she beeped at them. The driver looked like the lead singer of Creed. Well these guys decided to follow us all over the place. They were scaring me b/c they were riding my bumper and beeping their horn. They wanted us to pull over but I just kept going. They followed us all the way down Ritchie Highway. We were stopped at this one light and these 2 guys in an old firebird were next to us. They started trying to talk to Liana. Then as we were driving the DRIVER was hanging out the window yelling. We ran into some crazy mofos. We seem to have a lot more fun when my cousin isn't around. I think she has bad aura. Negative vibes will ruin a whole night.

-::- Feeling * Sleepy * -::-


-::- Date * July 25, 2002 * -::- Time * 8:12 pm * -::-



See what Care Bear you are.



-::- Date * July 24, 2002 * -::- Time * 12:02 am * -::-


Damn rain ruined my whole night. Liana came over for a little bit but we couldn't really do anything b/c of the rain. We went to Mars then we went back to her house. OMG it is hot as hell in her house. I don't know how her family lives like that. I'm completely spoiled with AC so everytime I'm over her house I'm completely miserable. I hate the heat.

-::- Feeling * Annoyed * -::-


-::- Date * July 23, 2002 * -::- Time * 2:57 pm * -::-


I finally talked to Josh monday morning around 4:30 or 5. He couldn't sleep so he called me. It's cool though cause of course I wasn't asleep. We talked until about 6:45. I kept trying to get off the phone b/c my mom comes in my room every morning around 7. I didn't want to have to explain why I was on the phone. Every time I tried to get off the phone he kept saying 5 more minutes. It was so cute. It makes me happy that he wants to talk to me so much. I could talk to him for hours. It's great. I like him so much. It's like when I'm upset no matter how much I try to play it off like I'm not upset he always knows. He always listens to what I have to say. And he always tells me things will work out. It feels really good. Anywho I'm supposed to go out with Liana later. We're going to cruise Ritchie Highway. We're meeting up with Sarah, Matt, Melissa and some other people. It should be fun. I'm starting to feel tired. I need to get a move onnnnnnnnn.

-::- Feeling * Blah * -::-


-::- Date * July 21, 2002 * -::- Time * 3:19 am * -::-


Classy, sophisticated and can be slightly snobbish at times. You are the fifth finger and you have a passion for the finer things in life. You view the world and yourself in a higher light and appreciate the life of luxury (hey, who doesn't?) Which finger are you?



-::- Date * July 20, 2002 * -::- Time * 4:38 pm * -::-


I am so bored. I just got finished cleaning my geckos tank. Hella fun stuff. The tank I keep him in is really big and heavy and I was carrying it myself. I made it all the way to the kitchen. I was trying to dump the wood chips from the tank into the trash can. The tanks was almost completely empty when I knocked the damn trash can over. I'M A FRIGGIN IDIOT. Anyway my parents came home and my mom cleaned the floor. I finished the tank and I fed my gecko. He ate 7 huge crickets. They were so nasty. I've never seen them get that big. Ick. It's so funny seeing him running around the tank. Ok enough about my gecko. Last night I was around my cousin Heathers house and I lost my keys. Really smart right?????? My aunt just called and said they found my keys. WOOHOO. I'm SO happy. The reason I'm happy they found them is b/c the car has keyless entry so I can't just have another key made. I can't open the doors with a key because the alarm will go off. They said my keys went down inside of the couch and they were wrapped around a spring. Anywho I might be going out with my cousin Heather and Liana. But I'm not sure. My moms being a biotch. I think it's give Kasey mad attitude day but I don't remember being informed. If I had known I would've stayed in bed! Damn I need to wash clothes in the worst way. I have NOTHING nice clean. I'll have to find something to wear. I hope Liana doesn't want to go to McDonalds on Ritchie Highway b/c I HATE going there. I get so jealous. My cars nice and all but it's stock and all the people at McD's have hooked up car. Makes me sad :(. I suppose I'll live. This entry has been boring as hell. But that's me.

-::- Feeling * Drained * -::-
-::- Listening to * Big Tymers ~ Still Fly * -::-


-::- Date * July 19, 2002 * -::- Time * 2:52 am * -::-


I don't really have much to say. I just wanted to make a post saying I'M FREAKING HAPPY. I don't want/need to explain why. I just am. If I had a happy dance I'd be doing it I swear I would. HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!. Time for beddy bye.

-::- Feeling * Happy * -::-


-::- Date * July 10, 2002 * -::- Time * 5:10 am * -::-


I took the death quiz again.



take the death quiz
-::- Feeling * Shocked * -::-


-::- Date * July 10, 2002 * -::- Time * 4:46 am * -::-


Grr I'm so tired of writing about being unhappy. I'm 20 years old and I have no reason to wake up. I see people my age going out having a good time, livin it up and I'm sitting home talking online and and doing totally pointless things. I'm just not the "partying" type. I'd much rather just chill with my best friend. I'm not into big groups. Never have been never will be. I went through the partying stage when I was about 15. You know getting drunk, smoking weed blah blah blah. It's not really something I want to relive. But then I think back to those times and I realize I was kinda happy then. It was nice to be invited to parties. Of course I was the only one that had to be home at 11 on Friday and Saturday night but it's all good. At the time I thought it sucked but now I realize my dad was just trying to be a good parent. I remember the people I used to hang out with didn't have to be in at any special time. They would just stay at the party all night. I was kinda jealous then but I'm not anymore. Half of them are druggies and the other half at whores. I'm glad my dad made me come home early. I'm sure he stopped me from fucking my life up. There is something good in my life right now. I'm talking to this guy Josh. He's a really cool guy. The only problem is he's living in Florida right now. He lived in MD but moved to FL a few months ago to "get away". Must be nice. I feel kinda bad though b/c he calls me from FL and we end up talking for hours. He told me that it costs like 3$ to talk for like 2 hrs but I still feel bad. I really like him but I'm not getting my hopes up b/c I'm tired of having them crushed. I'm tired of having my feelings hurt. I really hope he doesn't do the same thing. It's kinda crazy b/c I was I was talking to my friend Jason and I was telling him how I'm tired of being alone and he basically said that I need to stop trying to MAKE things happen and just LET things happen. He's completely right. I tried so hard to make it work with Jim and now I realize it never will. I'm happy b/c he's not the person I thought he was. He said he never really loved me it was just infatuation and that I never loved him either. Jim has some serious issues to deal with. He likes to be used. Mistreated. He wanted me to use him but I couldn't do that b/c I cared about him. We want totally different things. I want love and he wants negativity. He told me that the only thing that makes him happy is being used and that he's incapable of love. I'll never understand how someone can be happy being used. I need love so that's means him and I will never be. So I'm moving on. The thing with Josh is I never tried to make anything happen. I just sorta let things happen. Funny how that works. Josh is a cool guy but like I said I'm not getting my hopes up. He said he wants a relationship with me but we'll see what happens with it. Who knows? With my luck I may have another psycho on my hands :\. I hope not.

-::- Feeling * Happy * -::-
-::- Listening to * Tim McGraw and Faith Hill ~ It's your love * -::-


-::- Date * July 09, 2002 * -::- Time * 2:17 am * -::-


Blue You're blue the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue and patently you! It's kinda odd when you take these totally generic tests and they are actually right. Quite interesting.

-::- Feeling * Tired * -::-
-::- Listening to * Groove Theory ~ Tell me if you want me* <~oldie but a goodie -::-
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