Wishes
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Bad boys- cops (full song)
Topic: Suicidal thoughts
I was hurting so badly inside the other day. It was sometime after midnight and I was laying on my bed, hugging the stuffed animal my best friend had given me and thinking how sad it was to be in my room. How sad it was to be me.

I lay there in tears, trying my best to be quite. If I woke anyone, I'd be in trouble and have to explain something I couldn't. I tried to put a feeling or emotion to what I felt but there was none. Instead, I put an image to the sensations.

I was in a small room painted in sky blue. That's my comfort color lately. Everything, the floor, the walls, the ceiling all of it was blue. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me. I was hovering above it weightless but unable to drift.

I curled up into myself hugging my knees to my chest and steering blankly at the walls with unshed tears in my eyes. I stayed in that room until I felt the thoughts in my head that screamed "I don't want to exist" fade down to a dull mummer and I calmed. Able to see the comfort (blue) around me but unable to touch it. Maybe that's what I hated the most. Nothing that I used to draw comfort from could comfort me, I was untouchable. Accepting this, I finally left the room. But I was assaulted again by my thoughts.

I felt like they(comfort things)where hallow, like the "Emptiness" from the neverending story were real and within my room. My very soul. Pushing such thoughts aside I became angry because no one and no thing was able to grant me the comfort I desperately needed even though I didn't understand why I needed it. All I really knew was I couldn't stop crying, like so many other nights. What reason have I to cry?

I lay there repeating "I don't exist. I don't want to exist." I resolved that it would be alright to not exist anymore.

Ironic my friend should call just then, in the middle of the night, for no other reason then she got the urge to talk.