Wise Cracks
Table Of Contents Click on tittle to go to joke
The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted
some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation.
Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little
Johnny. The teacher asked Alice to tell a story.
"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said.
"We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon,it was fun."
The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly
raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to
call on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years
classroom. The teacher chose Fred to tell a story.
"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We
stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught
the biggest trout We'd ever seen! We started a campfire and
cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.
"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several
students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for
Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance.
"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18
point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the
asshole" Little Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you
mean rectum." she said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
Twinkie snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on yourTwinkie."
She says with an excited knowing grin, "Oh yes sir, and I'm gonna get
boobs too!..."
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband tobe
buried in a dark blue suit. He asks,
"Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he'swearing?"
"No," she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. "It must beblue."
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and
he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she
loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says,
"Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon
as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a bluesuit.
I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widowif
she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that
was fine with her...so I switched the heads..."
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?""No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throwup
behind a bush."After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked."Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned
so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the
front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her
crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells
her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs
because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so
she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third
doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know
that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that
your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"
The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was greeted by
two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we havesome
information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and somereally
great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what
the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound
lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrowmorning."
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet
certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the
biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there"
and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of
cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting>pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been
picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by
the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
At Burger King an elderly couple ordered one burger, one order
of fries and one coke with two glasses.
When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front
of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to
divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the cokeequally.
A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another
burger, fries and Coke.The woman then said, "No you don't understand. We've been
married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split
everything right down the middle."
Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands inher lap.
The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn'teating.
She replied, "As I said before, we split everything right down
the middle, and it's his day to use the teeth first."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed
and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was
quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he
was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did
it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call
your mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told
me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick
me up from school ..."
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold
November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just
won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on
the force I've never seen anything like it.""Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was
drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you dowith them?"
"Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other off..."
A man gets into a cab and asks the cab driver: "Hey, cabbie, do you
have room for a six pack of beer and a large pepperoni pizza up front?"
"Sure, plenty of room," says the cabbie.
So the man leans over into the front seat . . . and pukes.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile
of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last
meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he
decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much
though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what
to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that
once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he
was wrong and dropped like a rock, splattering when he hit the floor.
Dead. The moral to the story:
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit
A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to
the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat
was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead
of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to
the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat
and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the
young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've
been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married
but she has passed away."
Geezer's getting grief from his wife coz she's lonely during the day, what
with him being at work.
"I'll get you a pet!" says man.
"Ok" says wife.
So the next day he goes off to the pet shop, asks shopkeeper for something
to keep his wife company.
"Well", says shopkeeper, "You could go for the obvious choice - a dog, but
frankly, they just sleep, bark and eat the furniture. I think you'd be
much better off with something a bit different - something like a parrot."
So they go to the back of the shop, where there are 3 parrots in cages.
The first parrot, with a price tag of u200, is sitting on it's perch,
singing.
The next parrot, with a price tag of u250, is flying around squalking.
The last parrot, with a price tag of u30, is sitting on it's perch doing
nothing.
"Why is that one only u30?", asks the bloke.
"Well, it's disabled", says the shopkeeper. "It's actually got no legs".
"So how is it sitting on the perch?", asks man.
"He's got a massive cock, which he wraps around the perch 10 times to hold
himself up", replies shopkeeper.
"Poor bastard", says man.
With that, the parrot interrupts: "Buy me mate, don't bother with those
other 2 daft birds".
The punter is astounded.
"It talks! I'll take it!!!".
Pays his 30 quid. Takes the parrot home to his wife, sits it in the living
room.
"Alright missus", says the parrot. And that's it, she loves it. Well chuffed.
The next day, man goes off to work as usual after saying goodbye to his
wife and the parrot.
Returns that evening to find out if his wife is any happier. But she was
in the bath, so he had a chat to the parrot instead.
"Have a good day parrot?"
"Aye, not bad. Flew around for a bit, chomped on a bit of seed.You know,
normal parrot stuff. But the strangest thing happened....
There was a knock on the door. It was the milkman.
Your wife opened the door, but she mustn't have had any change because she
invited him in. So, they come in to the living room and sit on
the sofa"
The man is intrigued. "Go on", he says.
"Well, the milkman started kissing her, and touching her legs. Before I
knew what was happening, he started unbuttoning her blouse."
The man is getting angy. "Then what?"
"Well, he took her blouse off, quickly followed by her skirt....."
The man is seriously pissed off. "And???"
"Well, She's sitting there in all the black gear....stockings, thong, the
lot.
Then he unhooked her bra and started sucking on her tits"
The man is fuming. "AND????????"
"Fuck knows mate, I got a hard-on and fell off me perch"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a
few
minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points." His wife
rolls
over
and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says,
"Touchdown.
I'm
ahead 7 to nothing. A few minutes later the wife lets one go and
says,
"Touchdown. Tie score." After about ten minutes the old man farts
again
and says,"Touchdown. I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into
this
the
wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown. Tie score." The old
man
strains really hard but, to no avail, he can't fart. Not to be
outdone
by
his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get
out
just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he
shits
in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man
replies,
"Half-time. Switch sides."
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,you
should know something. Our bartender IS blond, the bouncer IS blond. I'm a
6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225
and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and
he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blond. Think about it, Mister. You
still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A woman goes to her Gynecologist complaining of
pain during intercourse. "Every time I do it
doggy style, it hurts terribly!" she exclaims.
The doctor queries, "Why don't you use the
missionary position?" "I would...but I can't stand the dog's breath in my face."
Two women were talking about their lives since they had
become nursing home residents. They both agreed that life
was good, but one of the women, said she was rather upset
because her sex life had really died out since she and her
husband had arrived at the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great! "There
is a secret to great sex," explained Hazel. "When my husband
is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed, and
put both legs behind my head. Then, when he sees me like
that, he gets really excited and we have wild sex all night!"
"I'm going to try that tonight!" insists Ethel.
When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that
evening, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle,
she gets one leg up and behind her head. Soon, she has the
other leg behind her head too. After accomplishing this great
feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband walks into the bedroom.
With a shocked look on his face, he screams, "For God's sake
Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an asshole!"
