Grins
Table Of Contents Click on tittle to go to joke
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She
asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a
lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The
bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was, of
course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What
kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid
bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So,
would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since
there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at
10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night,
he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are
square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little
old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you
should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was
quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What's wrong
with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at
10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the
street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is
standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in
her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the
woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat good-bye, and
tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling
down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and
Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six
feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire
breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts
the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and
forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their
parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
Of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke
and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat
market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they
are
hatched.
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle
Bob was a
pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy
territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then
he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy
of them
with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed
twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten
with
his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did
your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The
redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is
threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take
that
bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man
had,
indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for
having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that
she
does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't
understand, I
saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't
think he'd do it again."
It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy,
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"
Three men; Bob, Harry and Tom who had been friends forever, decided to
rent a speed boat and take it out on a lake. On the way to the lake
they discussed who would, in fact, drive the boat. Bob insisted that he
should be the one while the others noted the poor driving habits that he
displayed in a car. Finally they launched the boat with Harry at the
wheel.
After an hour Harry and Tom relented and allowed Bob the chance to
drive. At a very high rate of speed, Bob suddenly spun the boat around
throwing Tom into the water. When they came back to the place that Tom
was last seen; Tom was under water. Bob dove in looking for him only to
come up with an old tire. Which he pulled into the boat. On the second
dive Bob came back with only an old boot.
But on the third dive he came up saying: "I got him, I got him!!"
Into the boat went the victim where Harry began mouth to mouth on him.
After about a minute; Harry said: " Geeze!! I don't remember Tom having
breath this bad."
To which Bob replied: " I don't recall him ever wearing a snowmobile
suit either!!!"
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I
am
wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing
must be
an hour fast."
After finishing up painting the interior of a church a painter was packing
up
and was getting ready to leave, when the Bishop came out and asked him to
also paint the exterior of the church.
The painter agreed to do so, but in the process of painting he realized that
he did not have enough paint to finish the whole job. But he also realized
that if he thinned out the rest of the paint he would have enough to finish
the job.
Doing so, he was able to complete the painting of the exterior of the
church.
Then all of the sudden a rainstorm came out of the middle of what was a
clear
sky. The rain fell only on the church, washing away all the still wet
paint.
Then a booming voice came out of the sky directed at the painter....
"Re-paint and thin no more!"
Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,
chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the
window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then,
I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a
hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw
all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the rangers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?"
asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump", the father asked?
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'' I said, "No, sir. I'm
too scared.'' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his
penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm
sticking this little baby up your ass."
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first"
A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the
highway the guy asked the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take
off your clothes?" She agreed to and he began to speed up. When the
speedometer hit 100, she started to strip. When she got all her clothes
off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped
the car.
The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her
boyfriend were still trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleaded. She
replied, "I can't, I'm naked." He pointed to his shoe that was thrown
clear and said, "Cover your privates with that and go get help."
She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down
the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to the attendant,
"HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looked down at the shoe
covering her crotch and replied, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's too far in."
On Jan 1, 2000, a man took his dog to see the
vet. The vet said,
"Sir, I'm sorry, but your dog is dead." Attributing
the bad news to
misinformation caused by a Y2K glitch, the man said,
"I don't believe it. I
want a second opinion." The vet agreed and closely
following his
contingency plan, brought a cat in and put the cat
in several locations
around the dog.
The cat had no reaction. The vet told the man,
Sir, I'm sorry but the cat says there is no response, and the dog is dead."
The man wanted yet
another opinion. The vet brought in two black
labs. They looked at the dog
with no reaction. The vet said, "Sir, I'm really
sorry, but the dogs say
your dog is dead." The man said, "OK...it is just
so hard to believe, but I
guess you were right." The vet presented the man
with a bill totalling
$600.00.The man was furious at the amount to just
declare the dog dead. The
vet said, "Well, my bill was only $30.00, but the
cat scan and the lab work
increased the bill to $600.00!"
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our
own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their
money and buy everything they'll need… a tower, elastic cord,
insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the
square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd
a demonstration. As the first guy gets prepped up, the second
guy walks way back behind the crowd to get a good view of
everything.
The first guy finally jumps. He disappears behind the mass of
people, and then bounces back up, but when he comes back
up, the second guy notices that his friend has a few cuts and
scratches. Assuming the cord was too long allowing his friend
to scrape the ground, he starts rushing towards his friend. The
first guy falls again, bounces as the bungee cord gets taught and
comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy is still trying to get through the crowd to
help his friend.
As the bungee cord reaches its recoil maximum, the first guy
is once again headed back towards the ground and then bounces
once again back into the air. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally gets to the front of the crowd and
catches his friend on the way down. Worried, he asks, "What
happened?!!! Was the cord too long?!!!!"
The first mumbles, "No, the cord was fine... but what the HELL
is a pinata?"
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a
rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting
the rabbit, but
unfortunately
the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a
sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the
road
and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The
driver felt so awful he began
to
cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man
crying on the side of the
road
and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and
asked the man what was
wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally
hit this rabbit and
killed
it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what
to do. She went to her
car
trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over
to the limp, dead
rabbit,
and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit. Miraculously, the
rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down
the
road. Fifty meters away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved at the
two
again, hopped down the road another 50 meters,
turned, waved, and hopped
another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out
what substance could be in
the
woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and
demanded, " What was in
your
spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man
could read the label. It
said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare.
Adds Permanent Wave."
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken
was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said,
"Well.... I guess that answers THAT question!"
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same
ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the
female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes
at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They
tried
it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however,
the
whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the
safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and
told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to
follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I
absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers
after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not
allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home
tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down
your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me,
she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys, again.
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Later that
night, knowing he was going to be busted, he snuck into the house, slid down
under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he
had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and
walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife
sitting on the toilet.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"
A bored state government employee decides to see what's in
his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents of the
cabinet and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he
takes it home with him.
Later that evening, while polishing the lamp, a genie appears
and grants the state government employee three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Coke."
Poof! A can of Coke appears before him on his desk, so he
picks it up and guzzles it down.
Now that he can think more clearly, he asks for his second
wish, "I wish to be on an island where beautiful female
nymphomaniacs reside."
Poof! Suddenly, he is on an island with gorgeous females
eyeing him lustfully.
He then asks the genie for his third and last wish, "I wish I'd
never have to work again."
Poof! He's back in his government office.
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut
a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for
a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a
young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not next to
him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked
a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour
without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have
caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the
worms warm!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but
lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it
back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back
in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites
him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she
asks him if
he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast
the next morning.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies.........
"You just happened to catch my eye."
