Click on tittle to go to joke
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex
anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them
in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was
filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That
night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and
that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the
hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee. Sometime
later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's
son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing,
the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, I'm
hiding, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, 'Here, kitty,
kitty."
Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls
and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded
on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their
natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule.
Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week
another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying
both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies.
The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad;
third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys
couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her.
So this guy is looking for some help at his
manufacturing plant so he puts an ad in the paper.
This guy shows up so he puts him to work and this
guy is a fantastic worker, never had anyone
better.
Monday rolls along and the guy gets a phone call
from his new employee "Can't come in today I'm
sick" So the guy figures what the hell.
Tuesday to Friday the new guys back and again a
fantastic job, couldn't be better. Monday rolls
along and the guy gets a phone call from his new
employee again "Can't come in today I'm sick" The
boss sighs but he's never had such a good employee
so what the hell. Tuesday to Friday the new guy's
just great, but again on Monday morning the boss
gets the phone call "Can't come in today I'm sick"
Tuesday the boss sits the new guy down. "So what's
up with this crap you keep pulling on Mondays? I
mean you're the best employee I've ever had and
I'd hate to let you go but what's up with this?"
"Well every Monday on my way to work I stop by
my sisters place just to see how she's doing and
well one thing leads to another and we end up
spending the rest of the day screwing our brains
out"
"Oh Christ that's disgusting!!!!!!"
"Hey I told you I was sick!"
A worried voice on the doctor's telephone declared, "A mouse ran up my
wife's honeypot!" The doctor replied, "I'll be over in ten minutes.
In the meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between her legs." When
the doctor arrived at the house, he was welcomed by the couple's young
son , who showed him upstairs to the bedroom. There on the bed sat a
frantic woman, legs spread wide, while her husband waved an open can of
tuna over the opening. The doctor cried, "Idiot, I said to use cheese!"
The man retorted, "I know that, you fool... but I've got to get the cat out first!"
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized
all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some
guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him
with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these
blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home
last night and did something probably none of you could do...I
memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is
the capital of Wyoming?
"W," she answered.
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered how the hell he would ever do it, he
comes across an ad for a "Guaranteed Weight Loss Program."
"Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself, but desperate, he called
them
up and subscribed to the 3 day/10 lb. weight loss program. The next day
there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him
a
voluptuous, athletic, beautiful 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"if
you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes
off
after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches
her
and has his way with her. After they are through she leaves, he thinks to
himself "I like the way this company does business." The same girl shows
up
for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost the 10 lbs. as
promised.
He calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program. As
expected, the next day there's a knock at the door, there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If
you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.
This woman is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her,
but
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best
he
has ever had. For the next 5 days, the same routine happens and much to
his
delight, on the 6th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another
20
lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50
lb.
program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is
our
most rigorous program." "Absolutely, he replies. "I haven't felt this
good
in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it
he
finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing
spikes
and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start
heading down the alley that had all of the bulls. They come
up
to
the
first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times
last
year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50
times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:
"This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one
mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month.
You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:
"This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated
365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really
learn
from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if
it was 365 times with the same cow."
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Bill Gates passed away and found himself in the
ante-room between Heaven and Hell. The
admitting Angel was surprised to see him and
said there was some sort of mix-up in his file.
After unsuccessfully trying to solve the mix-up,
the Angel told Bill Gates that they would allow
him to make his own choice as to whether he
went to Heaven or Hell.
Gates was then seated in front of two computers:
one labeled "Heaven" and one labeled "Hell."
The "Heaven" monitor showed streets paved
in gold with many smiling people gathered in
clusters singing beautiful hymns. Lovely harp
music filled the air and the sky was filled with
soft, puffy white clouds.
The "Hell" monitor showed a white sand beach
with a sparkling blue ocean gently lapping on
the shore. There were many beautiful young
women in tiny bikini's strolling the beach, lying
in the sand and playing volleyball and having a
lot of fun.
Gates looked at both scenes for awhile and
then thought to himself, "Hell really does look
pretty great." He told the Angel he chose to go
to Hell, and he was immediately sent down.
Quite awhile later, the admitting Angel was
making his customary rounds of Heaven and
Hell, checking on the daily routines. He saw
Bill Gates and went over to speak to him.
Gates was chained to a wall. He was dirty
and thin. His body was covered in festering
sores and he was groaning in great pain. The
Angel said, "You know, I could not understand
why you chose Hell when you could have gone
to Heaven. You, of course, are suffering the
consequences of Hell."
Gates looked at the Angel with tormented eyes
and said, "Where are the beautiful girls? Where
is the white sand beach and the sparkling blue
ocean? Where is all the fun?"
The Angel said, "Oh, that. Well, you were
looking at the MicroHell Screen Saver..."
Two gay guys are fucking when the phone rings. The first guy looks back and
says, " I have got to get this call. Don't cum until I get back!" The
other guy assures him that he will not. 10 minutes later the guy comes back
into the room and sees this HUGE cum stain on the wall. "I thought I told
you not to cum, dammit!"
The second guy answers, " I didn't- I farted!"
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen
each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up
to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and
finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big
adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would
go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
Lena is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast
hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I
could cite you for indecent exposure?"
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says, "My favorite position is the 'rodeo' position."
"What is the 'rodeo' position, and how do you do that?" asks the
second man.
The first guy explains, Well, first you tell your wife to get on
the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things
start to get underway, and she's really into it, you lean forward
and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too...'
Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds."
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the
elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher.
Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week
unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy
$600 a week.
When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The
clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were
skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher.
"I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small
green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an
Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's
that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry,
"SPLBLBLBT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that
thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking
beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that
leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs
down the bar and gives the Englishman a spit bath again ...... SPLBLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he
does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBT."
Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At
the gates he meets the devil.
Satan tells Clinton that because Hell is full he'll be replacing
one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway
where there are three doors and indicates that he'll
be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.
A small boy comes down for breakfast one morning.
His mother asks him if
he's done his chores yet, and the boy says no. "No
breakfast until
you've done your chores."
Being Very Angry, the little boy gets up grumpily,
and goes out to do
his chores.
As he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. As he
feeds the pigs, he
kicks a pig.
And when he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. As he
kitchen and sits down at the table, his mother sets
a bowl of dry cereal
in front of him. "Hey, where's my eggs & bacon?", he
says. "And how come
I don't have any milk on my cereal?" His mother
replies,"I saw you kick
that chicken, so you don't get any eggs. And I saw
you kick the pig, so
you don't get any bacon. And since you kicked the
cow as well, you won't
be having any milk for your cereal."
About that time, Dad comes into the kitchen, and on
his way to the
table, he kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at
his mother and
smiles.
"You want to tell him or should I?"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no
big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been
with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods
the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see
why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make
passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to
the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says,
"I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some something to
eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd
come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the
phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are
you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was
going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do
that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again. The guy slams down the phone,
goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time. When they
finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
startsto dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm
calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."
A very distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs
over immediately and asks if he could help her. To his shock and utter
delight, she lifts up her silk dress and points to her right inner
thigh... very high up.
"Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey, and
underneath it I want the word 'Thanksgiving.'" Then she points to her
left thigh....just as high up, and says "On this side, I want
you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on
top, and "I want the word 'Christmas',"
The owner looks at her. "Oh, lady, it's none of my
business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard.
Why in the world do you want to do that?"
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always
complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving
and
Christmas."
A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that
read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES."
Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he
saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
-- 5 MILES."
Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough,
there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- NEXT
RIGHT."
His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway.
On the far side of the parking lot was a somber, stone building with
a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a
nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for
you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led
through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The
nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this
door," and left.
The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun
in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him:
"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden
door at the end of this hallway."
He placed the money in this nun's tin cup. He ran eagerly down the
hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door
locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing
another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the
Sisters of Mercy."
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun downhere...you a
drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is
drink. whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab andfresca...we
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie-you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.Craps, blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead
anyhow. You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding?Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, You're gonna hate Fridays."
She says, "Why, officer?"
The officer replies, "Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" 
Door #1 opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich,
chained to the wall. He's being worked over slowly with a
blowtorch. Clinton cringes, "That looks way
too painful. I don't think this is for me!"
Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His
skin is being stripped off with a cherry red-hot pair of pliers. "I don't
think so," Clinton insists.
Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's bound hand to foot to a
chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is
Monica Lewinsky, doing what Monica does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton
proclaims enthusiastically.
"Very well," says Satan, "Monica, you may go."
