LaughsFrom Todayıs Cartoon by Randy Glasbergen posted with special permission For reprint information and many more cartoons please visit Randy's site @www.glasbergen.com or e-mail: randy@glasbergen.com
Table Of Contents Click on tittle to go to joke
A guy tries to go into a night club, but the bouncer tells him he
needs a tie. So he goes back to his car, and the only thing he can
find is a set of jumper cables. He ties them around his neck, and
returns to the door of the nightclub. The bouncer stares at him and
reluctantly says, "OK, you can go in. But don't try to start anything.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the
nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a
lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to
lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to
catch her
and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to
tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back
upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the
old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they
treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except
they won't let you fart".
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it
is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and
persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive
back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music
scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
playing, again backward. The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they
were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for
the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing."
Goldie, a recent widow, was sitting on a beach in MAUI attempting to
strike up a conversation with the older gentleman reading a book on
the blanket beside her.
"Hello, sir," she interrupted, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he
responded and then returned quickly to his book. Goldie persisted.
"Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book.
"Yes, I do," he informed her politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie continued. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,
the man dropped his book and pounced on her, ravaging Goldie
like she'd never been before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie asked the man, "How
did you know that's what I wanted?"
He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,
"Ready! ... Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her
forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."
...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
A fellow was walking down the street and was startled to see his
grandfather
sitting on his porch in a rocking chair wearing nothing from the
waist
down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the fellow exclaimed.
His grandfather didn't answer him and just stared off into the
distance.
"Grandpa, answer me... why are you sitting out here with no
clothes
on from
the waist down????"
Grandpa slyly answered..."Well, last week I sat out here with no
shirt on
and got a stiff neck........ this was your Grandmother's idea."
A father and son (about 6) were standing in the line at the bank. In front
of them was a very large woman. She must have weighed about 400 pounds, as
she rubbed both sides of the bars that contains the line waiting to order.
She looked at the little boy and he asked her, "Why are you so fat?"
Well, the father turned red and apologized to the woman, and she turned
back around. A minute later the little boy turned to his dad and exclaimed,
"Dad, her leg is bigger than me!"
Again the father apologized to the lady and told his son to keep quiet. A
few minutes later, a "Beep! Beep! Beep!" was heard coming from the beeper
on her purse.
"Look out!" hollered the little boy, "She's backing up!"
A newly wed couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed,
about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride
says in a
whisper to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm
not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and
age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, but to put your mind at ease I've
only been with
one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they
have finished, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room
service and get some
food."
"Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger have done?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time. "The
husband puts down the
phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a
second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call
room service to get
some food."
"Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger have done?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband slammed down the phone and goes back to bed and
makes love to his
wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over
to the telephone
and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for
this hole!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some
bastard has stolen our tent."
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating
up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it. I
just want
you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional
needs
as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen
tonight
and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department
store. He has her try on three very expensive outfits. He tells
his
wife to take all three of them. He goes over and gets matching
shoes
worth $200 each. He then goes to the Jewelry Dept and gets a set
of
diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out,
but she
doesn't care.) She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says
" you
don't even play tennis, but if you like it then let's get it." The
wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
what is
going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey, we're not going to buy all
this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No, honey-I just want you to
HOLD
this stuff for a while." After noticing her anger he then explains
to
his wife, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man."
The Motor Cycle King. Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world.
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room
and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't
you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your
invention:
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few
keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of
paper and God reads it. The slip of paper says;
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to
Arthur Davidson,
"but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than
yours."
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he
got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible
headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life
started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally
came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a
very rare condition which causes your testicles to
press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has
anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long
enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to
go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop
and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure .
. "
The salesman eyed Joe and said,"Let's see . . .. 34
sleeve and . . .. 18 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . . "
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .
9 1/2.. . wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right , how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe was feeling great,when the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see ...size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
It would press your testicles up against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Once upon a time there was a fly hovering 6 inches above the surface of a pond. Beneath the
water was a Bass who thought "Hmmm, if that fly drops 6 inches, I will jump to get it, and will
have my lunch." On the shore was a bear who was watching everything and thought "Hmmm, if that
fly drops 6 inches, that bass will go for it, and I will have my lunch." On the opposite shore
was a hunter who observed everything and thought "Hmmm, if that fly drops 6 inches, the bass
will go for it, the bear will go for the bass, I will bag the bear and have me a nice bear skin
rug." Now behind the hunter were 2 mice, looking at the sandwich in the hunter's back pocket,
and thinking "Hmmm, if that fly drops 6 inches, the bass will go for it, the bear will go for
the bass, the hunter will go for the bear, then the sandwich will fall, and we will have our
lunch." All this time, there was a cat sitting in a tree watching everything, and thinking
"Hmmm, if that fly drops 6 inches, the bass will go for it, the bear will go for the bass, the
hunter will go for the bear, his sandwich will fall the mice will go for the sandwich, then I
will pounce and have my lunch." Well, it all came to pass.... The fly dropped 6 inches, The bass
went for the fly, The bear went for the bass,The hunter went for the bear, The sandwich fell,
The mice went for the sandwich, The cat leaped for the mice, missed and fell into the pond. The
moral of the story? EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, A PUSSY GETS WET.
A man is driving home after spending a nice Sunday on the ocean fishing.
His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on thepassenger
side floor.
He is late getting home, and is speeding Of course, out from behind a
billboard springs a motorcycle cop, radar-gun in hand, sirens blaring. So
the guy pulls over like a good citizen.
The cop walks up to the window and says: "Do you have any idea how fast you
were going mister?"
"Nope!" the cop says, "67! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew how fast I was going," the man asks, "then why did
you ask me?"
Pissed, the cop says "You're getting a ticket and a fine!"
As he's writing out the ticket, the cop takes a good close look at the dude
behind the wheel... he notices his stained fishing attire, and the strong
stink of brine, and says "I've never seen anyone so disgusting in my entire
life!
Do you even have a job?"
"What kind of a job would a stinking bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," the man replies.
"Whatchu say, BOY?" asks the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher. People call me up and say they need to be stretched,
so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and
farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asks, "What the hell
do you do with a six foot asshole?"
"You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge on a
Sunday."
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says, "I really need a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the
name
of your penis?" The customer says,"Look, I'm not into any of that. All
I
want is a drink!" The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you
until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine, for instance, is called
NIKE, for the slogan "Just DO It" That guy down at the end of the bar
calls
his "SNICKERS" because "it really satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded and approaches the bar. SO the
bartender
tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer
asks
the man to his left, who is sipping a beer. "Hey bud, what's the name of
your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty
customer
asks, "Why TIMEX?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a likin
and
keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who
is
sipping on a fruity Margarita and says, "So what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD.....because
"Quality
is Job" then he adds, "Have you driven a FORD lately?" Even more shaken,
the customer has to think for a moment, before he comes up with a name
for
his penis.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims. "The name of my
penis
is Secret. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the
customer
a beer, but with a puzzled look. Then he asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR
A WOMAN!!!!!!"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began
to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does
that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts
like hell."
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant.
He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs.
The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer,
not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone.
Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer
decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he
loaded all the pigs in his pickup, drove down to the woods, and
shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how he would know
if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying
down rolling in the mud, but when he looked not even one was lying
down. So he loaded them up in his pickup again, drove them to the
woods, and shagged them all again.
To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he
loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them
for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop
out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing.
She says, "Hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one
of them is blowing the horn".
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered,
walked, and pondered. He
felt very close to nature and even close to God.
He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he
asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and
said, "God, what is a
million years to you?" God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like
a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then he
looked to the sky again and
said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son,
my son...a penny to me is like
a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not
even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and
said, "God, can I have a
million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
A preacher stops by an elderly woman's home who's also a member of the
church. She welcomes him in to the living room
where they both sit to chat. Sitting on the coffee table In front of him
is a bowl of peanuts. He's asks her if she wouldn't mind if
he had a few. Of course she obliges. After a while of carrying on the
conversation he realizes he ate all the peanuts. He says to
her, "I'm sorry but I didn't mean to eat all of your peanuts" She says,
"That's ok, Since I got my dentures I've only been able to suck the
chocolate off them."
