Belly Laughs
Table Of Contents Click on tittle to go to joke
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered
by a young woman with three small children running around her. He
asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she
agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it,
the answer was "Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our product and they always say they
use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know
that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so
frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a retirement
home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got with each
other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about three weeks
of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and can't do
much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"
Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.
Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the
lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their
regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him.
Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman
beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's
penis in the other woman's hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together for two
months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with
this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?"
A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."
Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink,
studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first
man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down
and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it,
continues his drinking in peace.
After a while, the first man speaks up.
"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies,
"Why do you say that?"
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me."
The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the
bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.
"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out
into--nothing. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he
exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor,
he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to
the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up
above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced
that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and
steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement
below.
The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to
his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again.
Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the placemwhere the man
sits. "You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're
drunk, Mr. Kent
A husband and wife are out for a drive
through the countryside. They reach a familiar spot and The wife
says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years
ago!" The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the
fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They
make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING
uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise,
she FAINTED! After he revived her and got her back into the car,
the husband, quite astounded says: "Darlin', you sure never moved like
that forty years ago--or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember."
The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: " FORTY
YEARS AGO THAT FUCKIN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!"
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens
demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo
Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going
to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but
with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of
one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision
to make, as they were both equally qualified and
both did excellent work. He finally decided that in
the morning whichever one used the water cooler
first would have to go. Debra came in the next
morning, hugely hung-over after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water
to take an aspirin and the executive approached
her and said:
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking
partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating
poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame," said his friend , "how did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
A boy from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a
plane. The boy from the South, being friendly and all, said: "So, where
ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The boy from the South
sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:"So, where ya'll from, bitch?
This bloke goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctorchecks him
over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up hisbum. He pulls them
out and can't resist toting up the value of the coins. Well", says the
doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your bum". "Hmmm", replies the patient,
"That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand....."
These three women were roommates. One night they had all gone out on
dates and they all came home at about the same time. The first one
said,"You know you've been on a good date when you come home with
your hair all messed up." The second one said, "No, you know you've been
on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. "Now THAT'S
a good date!"
Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He
rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.
Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and
they are laughing their heads off. Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you
laughing?" Elephant: "We're fucking some monkeys" Lion: "Well, I
do that too, but I don't see what's so funny about it." Elephant:
"That's because they don't blow up when YOU cum !"
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it
happens,
in Transylvania.
They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late,
and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car,
but
to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob
shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger
seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding.
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry
her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which
is
coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately
blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I
please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm
afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am
a
scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I
have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring
them
down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
collapses
from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty
Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is
here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring,
almost
haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the
lab,
his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand
twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is
further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he
dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his
master:
"Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to
check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the
Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame. "Well, if I pay you $100,
what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl
gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second
one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it
isn't," said the Madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again
offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame
said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man
said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a
grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has
seniority."
On summer vacation, Wendy & her son Austin went to visit Wendy's
Uncle Bob who owned a nice farm. While there, her Uncle Bob was
helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old
Great Nephew Austin standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking
in the whole event. Uncle Bob thought to himself: "Great, now I'm
gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to
jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just
answer them as best I can."
After Uncle Bob finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked
over to Austin and asked him: "Do you got any questions about what
you seen here tonight?" "Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes
still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the
examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"9...8...7..."
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face
was burned
severely.
The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was so thin
The husband then volunteered to donate some of his skin. However, the only
place suitable to
the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because, after all, this was
a very delicate
matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty.
She looked more radiantly beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends
and relatives
just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he
did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get satisfaction enough every time your
mother comes over
and kisses you on your cheek!!"
Lil' Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to
concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and
relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy
himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games, but the youngster
insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the
cards they held. The other players
became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.
At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led
him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table
without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, Lil' Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the
card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's
uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep
from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. The first little pig walked
into a bar and said, "Give me five beers."
When he was done, he asked, "Where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall and to the left," replied the bartender.
The second little pig walked into the bar and asked, "How many beers did my brother
have?"
"Five."
"Then I'll have ten."
When he was done, he asked, "Where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall and to the left," replied the bartender.
The third little pig walked into the bar and asked, "How many beers did my
brothers have?"
"The first one had five, and the second one had ten."
"Then I'll have fifteen."
When he was done, he started eating the peanuts on the bar.
The bartender asked, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?'"
"No," said the little pig. "I'm the little pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the
way home."
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge
crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so
to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Did you
know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English
person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him.
Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every
English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a frock and hat
worse than his, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was
impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I
can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will
not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep
into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So, the Pope slapped her.
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to
lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied:
"Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
