Site hosted by Build your free website today!

What is a Soul Mate?

by Giselle Aguiar

I’ve read a lot of books on dating, relationships, what men want, what women want, you name it. There’s even one called – and I’m not kidding – All Men Are Jerks - Until Proven Otherwise. Only one stood out and made the most sense to me. Mars and Venus on a Date, by Dr. John Gray, (author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus).

I liked Dr. Gray’s definition of a soul mate: “A soul mate is someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. Soul Mates are not perfect, but perfect for us…” A soul mate has the right chemistry – physical that generates desire, emotional that generates affection, mental that creates interest and spiritual "soul" chemistry that creates love.

Each one of these “chemistries” alone is short-lived – especially physical chemistry. Some of us have learned that lesson the hard way.

Some of you may have heard the phrase, “Equally Yoked.” That’s from the bible: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? ~ 2 Corinthians 6:13-15

In the olden days, two oxen were yoked together to pull a wagon. If one were smaller or weaker than the other, the wagon would pull unevenly. The advice that the Apostle Paul was giving to the members of the church in Corinth was to not marry someone who did not believe in Christ. True harmony cannot exist in a union between a believer and an unbeliever and who wants an unharmonious marriage?

Dr. Gray says that there are five stages of dating:

  1. Attraction
  2. Uncertainty
  3. Exclusivity
  4. Intimacy
  5. Engagement

There is no exact time frame for all the stages. Each couple is different. But if one is pushing the relationship more than the other one, they need to discuss why one is hesitant and allow more time, or maybe it’s not meant to be.

Attraction: First, you need to prepare yourself so you can recognize your soul mate when he or she appears. You know this happens when you really aren’t actively looking, but you must be ready for your soul mate to appear.

You need to know yourself and be content and confident in who you are before you can open up to a soul mate. (For hints on being content, read Giselle’s Blog.)

Remember, soul mates are never perfect. They’ll be missing some of the ideal qualities that you have in mind. They may not look the way you thought they would and have flaws and baggage that you don’t like. But when your heart is open and you get to know them, they become perfect for you.

Uncertainty: Is this person the “one”? At this point in the relationship, you both still don’t see the full potential of your lives together. You have doubts. Here is where you address these doubts before you go any further. Here is where you can still date other people.

Exclusivity: Going steady. Getting pinned. Engaged to be engaged. You realize that this person has potential to be “the one”. I THINK I found Him/Her. Here is where you stop dating other people and concentrate on this one person.

Intimacy: When we feel chemistry with a partner on all four levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – then we are ready for intimacy. By spending sufficient time in the earlier stages, you are able to discover how much spiritual chemistry or love you feel for someone. We cannot create this chemistry, it just is. We can, however, create the right conditions for people to discover how much they love us, how much they find us truly interesting or how much they want to make us happy. (Read "Avoiding Psuedo-Intimacy).

If we become physically and emotionally connected before we feel mentally or spiritually connected, we may feel incomplete. What’s important about these stages is that both partners need to go through them simultaneously. If one partner is ready for stage 4- Intimacy, but the other partner is still in stage 2 – Uncertainty, then the partner that is ahead needs to step back, see why this person is still uncertain, and make sure they don’t skip the Exclusivity stage. Usually it’s the lady that is ahead and the guy still has the wandering eye. Why do you think the “All Men are Jerks” book had to be written?

The strategy of the fourth stage is to slowly become more intimate, revealing more and more of who you are. This is the time to relax more and just get to know each other. Intimacy does not equal sex.

Just to have sex when you could make love is like eating junk food when you could have a Thanksgiving feast. Why settle for less? It may take more time and energy, but it is real and lasting. By taking the time to move through all the five stages, you ensure that when you give all of yourself, it will yield the greatest return. A godly person says NO even when the body is screaming YES.

Love is a Process, Not a Solution

A good, lasting relationship doesn’t just happen, it evolves. A relationship is not a solution for loneliness, financial security, social escort or a parent for your children. It can become all of these if it has all the elements of a good relationship – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connections.

Another book that may be helpful is Boundaries in Dating by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They also have a website with a singles discussion group.

If you want to change your life and guarantee yourself a place in Heaven, then pray this prayer wholeheartedly right now:
"Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen."

If you received Jesus into your heart, welcome to the family of God! The following will help you deepen your relationship with Christ:

  1. Pray. Just talk to God no matter where you are. He doesn’t care what the words are, just that they are sincere.
  2. Read the Bible everyday to learn about Jesus and how to live that pleases God. Start with 1 John, then the Gospel of John, the Philippians.
  3. An important part of helping your relationship with Christ grow is to tell others about Him. Demonstrate God’s love and be active in telling others about Jesus.
  4. Find a bible-based church and become active getting to know other Christians. Find one with a singles ministry or groups for people your age.

Many have groups for different interests. Shop around, but commit yourself to finding one and joining a church family.
(Read the Benefits of a Church Family).

Check out this blog and some of the comments:

Additional Reading: