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Avoiding Mr. or Ms. Wrong

By Giselle Aguiar

If you look in the right places you will eventually find the right person, but sometimes you find the wrong person in the right places. You may feel a strong chemistry, but it is with a person who turns out to be way off the mark. It’s all part of the learning process.

The BTN Relationship – Better Than Nothing

Falling in love with the wrong person — it happens more than we care to admit. A BTN is a "nice" relationship with the wrong person. It drags on and on, although it is only partially satisfying, and the partners know it has a low probability of survival.

BTNs consume time and energy that would otherwise be available for meeting new people. Even worse, BTNs chip away slowly but steadily at your self-esteem and sense of well-being. They make you doubt yourself. “Why isn’t she/he committing to me? Am I not doing what she/he likes? Is there something wrong with me?

Self-esteem comes from within. But it needs to be reinforced by positive messages from those around you and can be easily destroyed without them. If your primary relationship is with someone who doesn’t fully appreciate you and love you for exactly who you really are, but instead criticizes you, tries to change you, picks fights with you or fails to cooperate with you, then you will begin to see yourself, not as who you are, but as the other person sees you.

If BTNs are so bad, why do we stay in them? Because we’re hooked on false security, and we hold on to the “illusion” of it even when we can clearly see that the relationship is degenerating. We feel safer staying in known situations, however bad, than venturing out into the unknown, however frightening it might be.

Learn to know when it’s time to call it quits. We have to stop milking a bad relationship to the bitter end. Pray about it — ask God for direction and advice. He’s there 24/7 and after you’ve prayed, be silent and you’ll feel the answer.

When to say no.

The best time to say no is the first moment you realize that the person you are with is not going to meet your needs – although some parts of the relationship may be perfectly wonderful. That moment may come in your first two-hour date. It may come after five dates. But if you’re several months into the relationship and it’s not where you’d like it to be (read, “What is a Soul Mate?”) you need to take a step back and look at the relationship objectively. That is not easy to do. Usually emotions take hold, but you need to see the situation realistically — the talk about it with the other person. See if they feel the same way. Maybe he/she is a commitmentphobe and you never voiced your desire for commitment. (Read, “Commitmentphobes”).

It could be a very one-side relationship. Maybe you’re giving more than you’re getting back. Don’t sell yourself out to gain someone’s affection. It’s not worth it.

Two books that you should read before hitting the dating scene again are Boundaries in Dating by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (They also have a website with a singles discussion group). and Mars and Venus on a Date, by Dr. John Gray, (author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus).

And don’t feel bad about breaking up the relationship. You’re also doing the other person a favor.

Before you can commit to another person, you have to commit your life to Jesus Christ. It’s easy. All you have to do is pray this prayer wholeheartedly:

"Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen."

If you received Jesus into your heart, welcome to the family of God! The following will help you deepen your relationship with Christ:

  1. Pray. Just talk to God no matter where you are. He doesn’t care what the words are, just that they are sincere.
  2. Read the Bible everyday to learn about Jesus and how to live that pleases God. Start with 1 John, then the Gospel of John, the Philippians.
  3. An important part of helping your relationship with Christ grow is to tell others about Him. Demonstrate God’s love and be active in telling others about Jesus.
  4. Find a bible-based church and become active getting to know other Christians. Find one with a singles ministry or groups for people your age.

Many have groups for different interests. Shop around, but commit yourself to finding one and joining a church family.
(Read the Benefits of a Church Family).

Additional Reading: