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Avoiding False Intimacy

by Giselle Aguiar

One vital element of the magic you seek is closeness.

A craving for close human contact is a natural response to the impersonal, daily environment—often far removed from family—and the alienating work places where many singles find themselves.

In our busy, achievement-oriented lives, we are often unwilling to commit the time and energy required to enter into this process of becoming genuinely close with someone. So, we have developed "false intimacies," experiences that look and feel like genuine intimacy but in fact have little to do with it.

Genuine intimacy is the process of being close with another person. Couples who are intimate, come out from behind their "mask" when they are with each other. They have moved beyond fear and anxiety about each other. They have nothing left to suspect or to withhold.

False intimacy is intimate-type gestures and actions without any content beneath the dewy eyes and soft caresses. Just as two-dimensional, black-and-white silhouette suggests a real person, so false-intimacy is a shadow of what is possible in relationships.

In an intimate partnership, you are generally focused on the object of your affections. In false-intimate exchanges, you tend to focus more on your own pleasure. False-intimates do not love each other; they use each other as a means to experience intensity and passion.

Sex and intimacy are discrete, separate experiences. They sometimes occur together, but each can and often does occur without the other.

There’s no reason to avoid close, warm, pleasurable experiences with people although you do not intend to become intimate with them.

Some people also have a problem differentiating between sex and romance.

One does not equal the other. Romance leads to true intimacy not sex. Sex should only come after marriage.

Sex before marriage is false intimacy. It’s letting the physical take over before the emotional, mental and spiritual chemistries are established. (Read What is a Soul Mate).

Sex before marriage creates premature emotions. A woman falls in love with the feelings from the encounter: touching, embracing, caresses, flattery. The pheromones start racing and there’s no stopping them. But after the high, comes the hangover — a feeling of emptiness, of un-fulfillment — something’s missing.

This bible passage may be hard to swallow, but it was one of those passages, that only because of where I was in a "Better-Than-Nothing" relationship, it shook me to the core. It’s from the Old Testament where Moses is relaying to the Jews God’s instructions for living a righteous life. I’m sure you’ve noticed some Jewish men wearing tassels on the corners of their garments. That’s from this passage.

"…You will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the LORD, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. Then you will remember to obey all my commands and will be consecrated to your God. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am the LORD your God.' " ~ Numbers 15: 39-41

That's a mighty strong statement “…not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes.” The phrase “prostitute yourselves” can be replaced by “sell yourselves out.” Isn’t that what we’re doing when we have sex outside of marriage? We are selling ourselves out to hopefully obtain someone else’s love and affection. People, it’s not worth it. Good Book: 60 Things God Said About Sex by Lester Sumrall.

Why did God give us sex if not to enjoy it? God meant sex to be enjoyed in marriage. Any other time is going against God’s teachings. It’s a sin.

If you’re a born again Christian and in a sexual relationship or have been in one outside of marriage, God forgives you and you should know that it is wrong (I’m sure you feel the guilt) and get out of it. Living righteously means obeying God’s word.

If you’re not a born again Christian, you are living in sin, but the good news is that God knows that we are human, imperfect and prone to temptations. He sent Jesus to die for us to wash our sins away so that we can live forever with Him in paradise.

“…He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~ Revelation 21:4

Imagine a place where there is no more pain or sorrow. No more sickness. That’s Heaven and the only way there is through Jesus Christ.

“This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” ~ Romans 3:22-24

If you want to change your life and guarantee yourself a place in Heaven, then pray this prayer wholeheartedly right now:
"Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen."

If you received Jesus into your heart, welcome to the family of God! The following will help you deepen your relationship with Christ:

  1. Pray. Just talk to God no matter where you are. He doesn’t care what the words are, just that they are sincere.
  2. Read the Bible everyday to learn about Jesus and how to live that pleases God. Start with 1 John, then the Gospel of John, the Philippians.
  3. An important part of helping your relationship with Christ grow is to tell others about Him. Demonstrate God’s love and be active in telling others about Jesus.
  4. Find a bible-based church and become active getting to know other Christians. Find one with a singles ministry or groups for people your age.

Many have groups for different interests. Shop around, but commit yourself to finding one and joining a church family.
(Read the Benefits of a Church Family).

Additional Reading: