Saying Yes to Love

Practical Advice Before Joing the Dating Game

by Giselle Aguiar

Finding the person you want to say yes to is a challenge. But, actually saying yes, for some, is the most difficult challenge of all, because if means facing and overcoming fear.

In the end, fear is what keeps many singles alone.

Fear of rejection.
Fear of closeness.
Fear of dependence.
Fear of losing oneself.
Fear of failure.

The comfortable single life may be lonely at times, but it is safe.

Basically, if you open your heart and say "I Love You," you risk it being broken. Just like when someone aims a stone at us, we quickly put our arms up over our faces. It’s instinct. Fear instincts protect our bodies and our egos.

Recognizing the camouflage behaviour that cover our fears:

The Workaholic. Workaholics avoid intimacy by keeping themselves constantly busy and by being exceptionally responsible. Feelings are not their strong suit and they avoid them. Threatened by their partner’s desire for tenderness, they would rather show their love by thoughtfully opening the door or brining home big paychecks and lavish gifts.
The Denial. Some people simply never look at their own problem with intimacy at all.
The Lust Seeker. People sometimes go after sex when what they really want is caring and closeness. Sexual prowess, flirting or seducing is acceptable behavior, and they know how to do this, but they don’t know how to express a need for real intimacy.
The Show-off. Many people relate to others by trying to be impressive. They surround themselves with tangible evidences of their self-worth, or they talk about their achievements. The defense is designed to make you feel you are with someone special.
The Attention-Seeker. Highly visible public figures, life-of-the-party types, comics and storytellers are people who thrive on attention. Everyone needs attention to survive, but people who use attention as a defense are so busy getting it, they have no time to sit back in the quiet shadows and get to know themselves—or another person.
The Fun Seeker. Fun is the product of specific activities designed to produce it; parties, bars, dinners out, moving, vacations, games, etc. Fun is often used as a defense against inner feelings of emptiness, boredom, terror, insecurity or even self-hatred.
Boredom. Boredom is easier to feel than fear. If you can convince yourself that you are bored, you can escape painful or difficult feelings. Sometimes boredom, though it may seem very real at the time, is actually a mask, covering up fears or insecurities.
The Spock Affect. In the super-rational person, feelings and emotions have atrophied through lack of use. Rational people are rewarded for their cool control, their brilliance and their ability to think things through. They will excuse a feeling in themselves or anyone else only if it is logical, for they are above all else, reasonable. Remember Spock’s logical Vulcan side didn’t allow his human side to feel anything.
The Defense System. When we practice masking the truth as individuals, it becomes easy to justify behaving similarly on a collective level. The more people focus on their defense system, the more they feel they need it, and the less attention they pay to their real selves, the fragile, neglected, frightened person under the disguise.

What to do about Fear

Get to know your fears and your disguises. When you are faced with an intimidating situation, how does you respond? Do you laugh it away? Do you find a way to get super busy? Do you procrastinate and hope it will go away? Do you rationalize and get caught up in your excuses? Does your highly efficient, in-control adult take over and just "handle" everything? Make a list completing the following sentence: "With regard to relationships, I fear ___________________."
Acceptance. So, you’ve recognized how fear is stopping you. Now what? Begin by accepting your fears and your disguises. Don’t fight them. Your fears are your old friends. Fear is not pleasant, but it is natural, you won’t make it go away by wishing it was not there. You must face your fears. Relax into your fear. Trust that you will automatically protect yourself from anything you can’t handle.
Talk about your fears. To get control over your fears, you must talk about them. Find a trusted friend, someone who won’t give a lot of advice, but will encourage you to talk. When you feel ready, talk about your fear with the person with whom your fear comes up.

Fear of Rejection

This is the most popular one among singles. The person that rejects you is making a statement about himself or herself not about you. You are a great person, but 90% of the American public has bad taste. Rejection does not have to affect your self-esteem. After you’re been rejected, make yourself dwell not upon the things you liked in the relationship, but upon the ways in which you did not fit. And persevere.