*** 8/17/01 - 8/21/01 Movie Shoot -- The Rules of Attraction
*** 6/28/01 - 7/2/01 Whoser Con 4 got improv? Toronto, Canada
*** 3/24/01 Punchline Comedy Club -- Greg Proops
*** 1/5/01 Book Signing -- Orson Scott Card
*** 8/5/00 Show Taping -- Whose Line is it Anyway?
*** 7/30/00 Show Taping -- Whose Line is it Anyway?
*** 7/28/00 Show Taping -- Whose Line is it Anyway?
*** 6/21/00 - 6/23/00 Movie Shoot -- Slackers
*** 5/26/00 Show Taping -- The Wayne Brady Show
*** 4/27/00 Book Signing -- Michael Palin
*** 4/18/00 Concert -- Ani Difranco
*** 1/30/00 -- Disneyland
*** 11/18/99 Theater -- Amadeus
*** 9/4/99 Book Signing -- Orson Scott Card
*** 4/20/99 Book Signing -- Ray Bradbury
3/24/01 Punchline Comedy Club -- Greg Proops .
Sally is soooo amazing! Sally drove me to this one as well! See, we got tickets ahead of time, and Sally got driving directions. Then we spent the day in San Jose with her mom, shopping for cookingware for her new apartment.We headed up at about 9pm, for the 11pm show. We arrived without any problem, parked in a parking garage. I was soooo excited I could barely sit still!!!! We were near the front of the line and we got to sit in a really really good spot! I didn't get to see Helen, sadly. I didn't think that she would come by the line cuz I thought the line would be where the entrance and exit of the club were, and that was not the case. Maybe next time!
So we finally got into the club, sat down, and I visited the restroom, noting that it is extremely small and that the line afterwords would be enormous, especially since there is a 2 drink minimum at the Punchline. I have never been to a club like that before... Ok, I'm naive and inexperienced and I'd never even been to a club before. Fine fine, I admit it. So Sally and I got sodas though we probably could have gotten away with getting alcohol.
The first two comics were allright. I really didn't care for the first dude too much. He was Ok. The girl was funnier than him, but their humor just wasn't doing it for me. I wanted to see GREG!!!! AND I DID SEE GREG!!!!!!
Transcript of Greg's 11pm Show
** applause **
[Greg, drowned out pretty much, says to give a hand to the opening folks, "Show them that you appreciate their work. Give it up you ungrateful fucks."]
Fabulous to be here in San Fransisco, ladies and gentlemen. What a special week, we had a successful crash of the Mer. That's nice. Pay tribute to that fabulous Russian technology from the '40s. A guy named Paval in Ockboyence [phonetic] with a fuckin joystick from a Pong game. [Russian accent] Jesus Christ! Don't let it hit Fiji! Try to hit the Taco Bell sign. I want a Chalupa tomorrow. [resume normal voice]
Dale Earnhardt
I have to cover a lot of shit, I haven't seen you guys in a while -- so Dale Earnhardt died. And um - GOOD. You know what I'm saying? [drowned out by laughter] Exactly how he should have died, right, fiery fuckin crash. What kind of a surprise is it that a stockcar racer would die in a crash? How could people possibly have been shocked? I mean... What kind of sport is car... Who is fascinated by cars going around a track five HUNDRED times? I wonder how it ends! Only someone who's a cousin-fucking Bush voter could possibly get the slightest [something] with cars going around a track. And he's a sportsman? He's an athlete? When did driving a car make you an athlete? If he was an athlete, then we're all in the semi's next week. Know what I'm saying? I'm ready for gold. Right now. Hah, car racing's not a sport, it's the Dukes of fucking Hazard! Hooter and Daisy are fuckin sportsman now. Sport was invented by redneck moonshiners tryin to get away from the revenuers. They juiced up their cars and then one day someone thought they should formalize it. [redneck voice] Ya know we should have a trophy and hoochie mamas. Then we get [something] to back us as sponsorers. [resume normal voice] I mean, who gives a fuck? If a tennis player runs into the wall and EXPLODES, that's news. If a redneck driving a [something, sounds like bufane? beefane?] filled bomb 175 miles an hour runs into a wall, that's FUNNY, ladies and gentlemen. And just, and right, and true.
Rock'n'Roll
And what the fuck IS the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame? Could you *explain* that to me? When did rock'n'roll deserve *formality*? Remember when rock stars were cool cuz they would fuckin, you know, be high and get so high that they would DIE? Remember how cool that was? And you know why they died? Because they love you. Rock stars are your personal Jesus, man, they would die because they didn't have ti- YOU didn't have time in your life to fuckin die off drugs. You've gotta fuckin put up a basketball court up or install Tevo or whatever it is you're doing. You gotta go back to Danville and pave your driveway and shit, you don't have time to fuckin die. And it is so cool when they die. I mean there's so many rock stars who, if they were dead, you would like them, you know what I mean? Like, they suck now but if they were dead, you'd cut 'em some shit, you know? Like Billy Joel, you go fuckin he sucks - if he was dead you'd go ooooo he's ok. [something] ooo I like that one, you know... He's cool... Yeah, he ran into a banquet table. And exploded. And his head snapped off over the cru-de-tay [phonetic]. Ha... Rock'n'roll's s'posed to fucking ROCK, as I recall, what that means - you get up in the morning and do blow off the front of a Bentley with a Porteguese guy named Tonio carrying an animal case [?] then you get a blow job from an underage [something] stewardess, then you kill a chicken in a pentagram with like a weedwacker. You get up in in the morning in your [something] mansion - a truck backs up to front and fuckin dumps the whole country of Bolivia out onto your front lawn, with pipe bands and vicudas [phontetic]... And then [something] of the universe and like wade in through the coke in like semi-permeable boots so that the coke goes into every membrane of your fuckin organs. A french fry that's been lodged in your heart EXPLODES and a hooker shoots out your ass -- That is what rock is. Rock is not a chicken dinner at the corporate banquet with Steely Dan, ladies and gentlemen. And honestly, everyone's in the fucking Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame, there's no criteria. Eric Clapton's in - he hasn't made a good record in thirty-five fucking years, ladies and gentlemen. And the crowd goes - but Eric Clapton - SUCKS and I can't help [something i think it's 'it you know he'] sucks too. He sucks and you suck for liking him. Ok? Get in touch with that cuz you know it's true. [sings] Girl, you know it's true... If the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame was a REAL Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame, they'd have like three people, right, cuz that's how many people are that good. What, like, James Brown, Chuck Berry... ok, TWO, it would have two people. Cuz everyone else eats eternal donkey cock til the end of fucking time. They've got it all wrong. I believe that the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame should work the other way - this is *my* theory - everyone's in. Right now. We invest-Soon as you form a band, you're inducted, this minute. Then, when you start to suck and don't rock anymore, we vote you out. And wittle it down so it's just the hardcore. That way we get rid of fuckin Phil Collins and Elton John and Billy Joel all in one fuckin vel-swoop [is that a real word with a real spelling?]. They're all gone, immediately. Cuz Elton John - Well I don't know if you saw the Grammys with Eminem *oh it's so controversial, Elton John singin with Emi-* LOOK, Elton John would fuck Eminem in the ASS on a Pay-Per-View special if - and oh by the way, his cock has a toupe as well. He's like the Liberace of fuckin pop, ladies and gentlemen. That whory old thing would fuckin take his cock out on the 280 freeway if he thought two people would glance briefly in his direction. This would be a controversy: if Eminem had set *fire* to Elton John, that would have been fuckin great. A little fuckin rebellion, ladies and gentlemen. Because, like I say, these people blow. Everyone's in the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. I mean, the Banana Splits, Kajagoogoo... everyone's fucking in - The Looking Glass who did Brandy, they're fucking in the Rock'n - [sings] there's a port on the western bay it's - they're fuckin in. We need to eliminate them.
Sting
Sting needs to go first, ladies and gentlemen. The worst. The absolute fuckin worst. And he has hair plugs and he's fifty and he's named Sting. Which is humiliating. For us, and for him - it's like being named Skippy and you're eighty-five years old, you know what I'm saying? 'Skippy, get in here, there's chicks!' [old voice] 'Hold on, I gotta put my leather pants on.' Sting sings in a fake Jamak--- [corrects himself] Jamaican accent, ladies and gentlemen. Even fake Jamaicans don't do that. And they're smoking fake gonja [phonetic] and they're fake high and they have the right to do that. And what a pretentious bag of fuck. An inconceivably pretentious bag of fuck. If he weighed fifty more pounds, he'd BE Phil Collins, that's how uncool he is. That's right, that's right, and fuck you, FUCK YOU, to death forever. Your taste sucks, in music, it just sucks. That's why music's in the state it is, cuz you love Phil Collins. I'm talking to you, personally. Cuz you bought the Tarzan soundtrack. That's how cool you are. You suck. That's how FUCKING uncool you are. And *by the way* Sting is always telling me how to live my life, and I won't. No. You're a rich rock star. Go fuck off to your mansion and die. Then I would like you. Sting's dead - oh, he was alright and... He was allright with the turtle and... I dunno... he had the hair plug... whatever, I don't know... Sentimentalists, please help set the record str--- Look, Sting or stung or bumblebee or whatever the fuck you call yourself, pixie moth, I don't know what you --- If you promise never to make another shitty album, and I'll make some calls. I'll get up your homie who's got the plate in his head or whatever, that guy, and I'll see what I can do. Cuz let me tell you something - Sting is responsible for more monkeys dying in the Amazon rain forest than any other artist - OH YES HE IS! Goes down to South America, he's walkin around, lookin, singin his jams and shit, you know [sings] if I ever LOOOOSE my --- monkeys are like [staggers] growing... weary... can't... hold on... [shrieks] Monkeys that're falling everywhere... PILES of dead monkeys everywhere Sting goes, it's monkey fuckin Holocaust day when Sting comes to town. And rock stars are cretins, by and large, and why do they have this infathomable --- they cannot talk on a microphone on an awards show, right, every day rock stars work with a mic, they sing into a mic in concert, when they record they USE a microphone and YET, they get on television at an awards show and suddenly it's an infernal contraption made by a necromancer and somehow alchemy [sp?] is being performed and it's baffling their tiny, smooth-lobed reptilian brains. All of a sudden they're Howell Heflin [sp?] at the Anita Hill hearings, you know [redneck voice] talk into the machine. It's like Edison never lived, know what I mean? The crowd's 'Who's Edison?' Anyway, they... Someone who fucked Teslow [sp?] So, they get to the microphone and it's like they never fuckin [backs up so he's barely audible] All right, yeah, great to be here, wooo, look at you, yeah... all right... [grabs the mike and muffles his voice] Well what does this thing do.... I think it amplifies your voice, fuckface.
High school and more Rock
When I was in high school, back in the '20s - oh did we have a good time, we would just charleston all day long [dances]. You bet we would. Chicken inspector, I'll say she is! Yowzah Yowzah! We'd get in the jalopy [sp?] and just... drink hooch. When I was in high school we had groups that rocked - we had Aerosmith, right. And... we STILL have Aerosmith. Over four hundered and fifty million years later. Apparently another gigantic comet is going to have to strike the Earth in order to quell these mighty dinosaurs. And Aerosmith was super-fuckin-rockin in the seventies, man, they were high as fucking HELL. They wouldn't go to Europe in the seventies, where they were HUGE, because they were afraid they couldn't score drugs in Europe in the seventies. That's how high they were. And they fucking rocked, they didn't have an opinion and shit, cuz now bands are so serious. Everyone takes themselves so --- do you remember when bands were cute? Bands were cute, once upon a time. There were good-looking guys in bands, that you wanted to fuck. That was the point of a band. The Beatles being the ultimate example. Four cute guys who had sense of humor, that were brilliant and you wanted to fuck them. All at once if you could. That's why they were big. Every teenager in America went 'fucking in a five way! let's let it happen!' And now LIMP BIZKIT??? A small, mishappen troll with a backwards baseball cap?? Wearing SHORTS and SOCKS?? Shorts and socks, that is so cool. Remember when that was cool? Remember the year never? Oh, I loved never. Never was so great. Oh my god, Limp Bizkit's so cool never. Oh man, never, they were so cool never. Oh man... He's like a date rapist on stage - where's the LOVE? Before Fred Durst was a rock star, the pussy wagon used to go by his house like this [does train noise like the 'logic train' from Comedy Central Presents]. [fake fred durst voice] Why won't that darn pussy wagon ever stop at my house? Because you're a loathsome, misshapen troll who lives under a bridge. You got into the business to fuck hookers. That is SO WRONG. And now, there's that end of rock which sucks eternal cock and then there's the *serious* bands, right, like Creed or whatever. And there's nothing worse than a rock star who thinks they know something. Next to actors, they're the stupidest fucking people on earth. The guy who works at the filling station in your neighborhood is fucking Steven Hawking compared to them. Cuz all musicians are on the Tommy Lee intelligence level, you know - somewhere just above a potted saguaro [sp?] cactus and below a *bunny*. Right in that ballpark, in there. Cuz they're not thinking of a lot of shit, man. Why does anyone form a band, why does ANYONE form a band? uh, to get some... pussy? That's it, that's the only reason. That's reason one, that's reason two, that reason GOOGLEPLEX, there are no other fucking reasons. Rock stars are not sitting at home going 'that poetry had ironic intent and if I could only assimilliate to a global audience then I too could get a blow job from an underage [something] stewardess'. Guitar equals PUSSY, that's the whole fucking equation, which is why the sleaziest, most stupidest fuckin people... so get DONE with the seriousness, man, cuz you don't go to see bands cuz they're fuckin cuz they're girlfriend read a book or saw the discovery channell and told them something, and now they have issues. And the fun is completely gone-- [stupid rock star voice] 'Brothers and sisters, we're not here to fuckin party tonight, allright, we're here for a very important rea-uh-cause. No, I'm serious you cocksuckers, shut up. The Tibetan ground squirrells are not getting enough oatbran. The repressing Chinese government is withholding the fiber from these nobel rodents -- FUCKYOU I'm serious you cocksuckers. There are Narwhales in the fjords of Denmark with tusk decay and you people are sittin on your ass. The Guatamalian salamandor is is drying... If everyone here will buy a Ben and Jerry's chubby-hubby peace pop, no percent of the profits will --- well fuck you, I'm serious!'.... Aerosmith didn't tell you how to vote. Aerosmith would go [high voice] 'How many people here like PUSSY???'... We do! What a marvelous question, thank you for asking! So considerate of you!
Growing old
I wanna live to be very very old for purely vindictive reasons, ladies and gentlemen. I wanna live at least fifty more years cuz I wanna see the twenty-somethings of today in their seventies. Cuz it is gunna be hee-haw hilarious. There will be a comic on this stage in twenty years time goin 'Backstreet Boys' and the crowd are gunna go 'Awww shit.... awww shit, don't even, you're takin me back to the day and shit.... He's gunna mention Boys II Men I know he is, man, he's gunna fuckin do it, man!' Cuz you are gunna be as boring and cranky as every other generation, man. Just picture in fifty years time, [old voice] 'Come here, young lady and let me tell you something... In my day we had to go to concerts and see bands. That's right! We weren't born with a silicon chip implanted in our ass, so that we could dip into the global ubulating wetwear and catch the beat wherever we were. We had to take drugs! In our MOUTHS!' [alien voice] 'Fuck you grandpa, you are so boring and old.' [old voice, sings] 'Hi, my name is Hi my name is Hi my name is...' [alien voice] 'Fuck you grandpa, you suck.' [old voice] 'Come back! I've got a barbell through my cock! Come back! Grandma! Show her your clit rings! Come back! [sings] It's all about the he said-she said bullshit... ack! Ladeedahdeedah, it's the motherfuckin real double g... huh, kids!'
Hollywood
I live in Hollywood now, in lower California, or Low Cal if you will. Hollywood isn't a city, it's an idea held simultaneously be a million assholes. Women are insanely obsessed with their weight. It's the only place in the world where starving women are considered hot. Anywhere else, you'd call for a U.N. Airlift. Hollywood -- man, I can see all her ribs and her spine I bet she fuckin NEVER eats! She's totally tasty! Bay Area crowd -- oh starving women, that's an issue. [grabs his balls and... stuff] STARVE ON THAT. So sensative... it's why Bush is gunna win again and again, man. That's right. For the precise reason that you're all 'oooooo'. I mean, conservatives laugh at everything. Conservatives don't give a fuck - 'Nigger jokes! Hahahahaha Hahahaha!' and the liberals all 'ooo'ing and CRUSH CRUSH CRUSH [chants] I am crushing you nooooowwww... I can laugh at everything and I never go ooooo... Starving women? Hahahaha! Look, I've stripped you of your civil rights while you were being offended in the corner! You were posting the no smoking sign and I fucked you in the ass!!!.... They got us on the gerbil chow, you guys... They open a Krispy Kreme donut chain in lower California and people - because food is such an anathema [it means 'detested thing'] in Low Cal, it's no longer a sustinence, it's bad and evil. You mustn't take it into your body because then you'll grow fat and no one will fuck you and you have to kill yourself. You'll hear conversations that are so inconceivably inane. People say things like 'Man, yesterday I had half a bite of a Krispy Kreme donut! [snorts]' Listen, Calista, until you've murdered a quart of Hagaan Daaz [sp?] at BREAKFAST, I don't wanna hear from your lame, tapeworm ridden ass, you skinny ho. I read that Elizabeth Hurley was viewing Marilyn Monroe's gowns and her comment was 'If I was that fat, I'd kill myself.' And I thought that showed a marked lack of taste because Marilyn Monroe was that fat and did kill herself. And frankly, dead Marilyn is hotter than live Liz, let's be honest about that. I still wanna fuck Marilyn, Liz - she's a stick person. She's a [something like OC something] who over-enunciates. And why is everyone on Robert Downey Jr.'s ass all the time? 'He did drugs again, and he'd been in rehab' --- He's a fuck-up. It's that simple. That's what fuck-ups do, they fuck. up. They don't all of a sudden go 'Well, that's it for me now, I'll now do the corporate lockstep toward glory. I've seen the error of my ways and forever now will I be sober so that liberal people can be happy everywhere.' You know someone who's a fuck-up in your life. Are you surprised when they fuck up? 'I've given you a billion chances and you fucked up'. [goofy voice] 'Sorry dude! Huhuh!! Stole your car, took your dog, sold it for shit, I dunno...'... I wasn't surprised that he was --- first of all, he was busted in his hotel room in Palm Springs on an annonymous tip. When did we become Russia in the '30s, ladies and gentlemen? Do not bust me on an annonymous tip please and I promise not to do the same for you. You at home, doin what you want, or in a hotel room, ROCK ON, mighty piglet, do what you do. You know, you got the fuckin foam antlers on and chocolate sauce on your cock and a buttplug on and... a candle in your naval... 'Panama Canal's open! Who's ready for Bigfoot?' You know what I'm sayin? I'm not callin you in. Live your life. I wasn't surprised he was doing drugs in Palm Springs, the question to me was how many drugs can you do to forget you're in Palm Springs -- which is the epicenter of pure evil in the universe, it's Vegas. It's fuckin Gomorrah to Vegas's Sodom. Palm Springs is Bob Hope's fever dream of what the world was gunna look like -- it's just nothing but golf courses and Dina Shore drive and [muffles] Yes, in my mind, everyone will wear visors. I'm sure at one point Robert Downey Jr tried to leave the room, you know, cuz he was honest: 'I'm gunna go get some coffee at Denny's and OH FUCK I'm in Palm Springs... Hello, Bolivia? Could you come to my room and shove coke up my ass with a midget? Yeah, get the homeless one from the corner of Market. He hasn't worked since Vietnam.' Sorry Tony, I'm bitin your shit for my evil purpose [referring to the opening comic's material about a homeless midget Vietnam veteran in San Fransisco]. Why put Robert Downey Jr. in jail - he's a good actor. There's a lot of shitty actors I'd incarcerate til the end of fuckin time, you know... For their lack of bringing joy to the public for the last billion fuckin years. They're fixin to give Tom Hanks another Oscar, you guys. When can we make it stop? [whiny voice] 'But he played a retard and he played an AIDS guy and he played a [mumbles out]' Go away. Go away forever. Now. [whines] But he was in Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump was a movie that could have been directed by Leenee Rischenschtall [phonetic] and written by Joseph Goebbles [sp?] for fuck's sake. What a right-wing reactionary Nazi piece of fucking dogma that shit ass movie was. What if a retard acted like a retard and they carried on being a retard and everyone else knew something that they didn't and then they fuckin succeeded. Oh wait a minute, they'd be president. Turns out it was a documentary. But you know, I've had enough of that self-enchanted pixy Meg Ryan I'll tell ya that fuckin much. That perky Marla Thomas fat girl bullshit is really on my tits. I don't believe that acting is a documentary. I believe that acting is supposed to be a reflection of the human experience. The problem I have with Meg Ryan is that she is reflecting an experience that NO ONE has ever had. Cuz no one on earth acts like that, with a weird, Medeival oaf, bad millenium haircut, and perky [squeals] No one's ever acted like that because they would be set upon by a crowd and beaten to death with bags of figs. If someone you knew gave you that perky fuckin bullshit, it would not stand, ladies and gentlemen. You walk up to your best friend, 'Aw, fuck, what a day, I lost my job and my fuckin dog is sick and shit' and she's floofling, cuz she floofles all the time [floofles]... [attack mode] Come here... Fuckin hammer goin right through your cerebellum, you fucking... And everyone's raving about Traffic. And I saw Traffic -- the ABC, after school special on drugs. I have never seen a movie that got drugs more wrong than the movie Traffic. First of all, rich kids don't go to poor neighborhoods to score drugs. If you have any awareness whatsoever of drugs or have scored drugs ever in your life, or knew a rich person, you know that rich people do not go to poor neighborhoods under ANY circumstances. They have a whole poor neighborhood brought to their pool. They call another rich kid who's usually named Skeet or something like that, who comes over with all the coke in the universe. They don't sully their hands visiting the underclass. And then they're --- Michael Douglas is -- well, first of all, what is the Drug Czar the hero in movies? At what point have we reached when the Drug Czar is the hero? How many people go to bed, with a picture of the Drug Czar over their fuckin... 'You've got a job to do' The Drug Czar is doing a marvelous job, the price of coke has remained constant for the past thirty years. Explain that to me. The price of weed is a *thousand* times what it was five years ago... [chuckles] thank you... One person: 'Well, what does that mean?' That the government is bringing cocaine in to the country to keep us all fuckin spoonfed, cable-viewing, non-decisive people who watch Tom Hanks movies with Meg Ryan, and forget that we're being fucked in the ass. If your drinks are on a credit card tonight, they know what you drank tonight. That's right. You go to the grocery store and use your ATM card, they know what you fucking *bought*. Pretty soon there's gunna be like masturbation police comin around you know 'You spilled some sperm last night. We had those earmarked for college in 2020.' And then the white girl goes to the black neighborhood and sleeps with a black guy for drugs and that is supposed to be the nadir [it means 'lowest point'] of human experience. Like nothing on earth could be worse than sleeping with a black person for drugs. What kind of message is this? For me, sleeping with a black person and scoring drugs, is a great afternoon. That's the best Sunday you've ever had. I went to the other side AND I fuckin scored and was high - this is awesome! What a great day!
Drugs
If you don't take drugs of any kind, uh, you should really think about putting it into your repertoire. Let me tell you something, it makes your stories at parties a lot more fucking interesting. Trust me.
At this point in the show, my tape ended on Side A. I lost about ten to fifteen minutes of the show. When we return, we've moved on from drugs to politics.
Politics
He's a little more human. You better watch your shit, man, like I said. You're never gunna beat the fascists, man, cuz they're fuckin... [something] if someone smokes in a bar, they don't give a shit... Everyone gets so uptight about San Fransisco [whines] 'Someone was mean to someone twenty years ago...' Fascists are like GOOD HAHAHAH!!! And I am so sick of liberals whining about Clinton [whines] 'But he lied and shit [squeals]' He's a lawyer and a politician, there's no chance of any of them telling the truth, at any point. And if you think the energy crisis isn't fuckin Bush's revenge on this fuckin state, oh you bet your FUCKING ass it is. The Federal government's not going to help us at all, we did not *vote* for W. Two people in California voted for W. Two grumpy-ass people in fucking Westminster in Orange County. He would love it if this state fucking fell off the continent and into the sea. Then he could erect his oil rig and make it an annex of Texas with a big fucking eternal flame with Dale Earnhardt's head... [something something] where our state used to be. To George W. Bush we are fag-loving tree-hugging fucking butt-slamming homo fuckers. That's right. We didn't vote for his Nazi ass and our power can fuckin go out to the end of fucking time as far as he's concerned. You *know* that's the fucking truth, ladies and gentlemen. Don't even begin to pretend to pretend to begin to begin to pretend that it's not. [whiney] 'But Clinton pardoned Mark [something] and HooofyHoofyHeefyHeefy [phonetic, yo]' I don't care if he pardoned fuckin Beelzebub, ladies and gentlemen, if someone gave you a million dollars, you'd do them a fuckin favor too. It's the king's right as he lays on his deathbed to rescend taxes. Know what I'm sayin? What every king does 'Oh by the way, everyone's off the hook, I'm dying.' And do you think you're *punishing* Clinton? No fuckin way, man, he's a sexy rock star, you know? He's got the best job in the world now, he's an ex-president. That's the best job in the world. You still get all the protection, all the pussy, and you don't have to do anything! He's walkin around, fuckin check him out in six months, gained fifty pounds, have a fuckin Mickey's Big Mouth in his hand and all [clinton voice] 'I'm writin a book. Shit I Did and Why You Dug It.' Gore's fucked up bad, man, cuz Gore was such a prissyboots through the whole fucking campaign, [stupid prick voice] 'Teacher, there's ten minutes left in class, there's time for plenty more algebra' He distanced himself from Clinton. Why? He forgot a couple of things. One, Clinton was popular, and won two elections in a row. And he's a sexy rock star, as I said. He gets a blow job, he gets impeached [clinton voice] 'I'm back, who's with me?' If he'd run again, he would have won again, ladies and gentlemen. Oh yes, he would have. And Gore distanced himself from Clinton: 'Your penis has been errent, I must go over here to the moral high ground.' He shoulda, on day one of the campaign, thrown his arm around Clinton and gone 'Right wing motherfuckers have been on this guy's cock for eight years. He's my motherfucker.' He should have had his head removed from his body and sutured onto Clinton's body like Rosie [Roosevelt] Grier and Ray Milland in The Thing with Two Heads so they would always be seen together at all times. Never mind Monica blowing Clinton, Gore should have fuckin blown Clinton. He should have been on his knees at the Democratic National Convention with Clinton's cock in his mouth goin 'You know what I got here, ladies and gentlemen? A winner!'
Thank you very much and goodnight!
back to top This page last updated August 21, 2002
