ABEHM
A Brown Eyed Handsome Man

Over the river and through the woods…

February 23, 2004 (Monday, early afternoon)

To grandmother’s house we go

Ahhh, I can hear the trolls cackling from beneath the bridge…

Sounds like chicken!

Here’s an obscure true science fact: chlorophyll isn’t really green. It is, in fact, transparent, especially in the dark. What happens to make it seem green is that the actual shape of the chlorophyll cytoblasts is, coincidentally, such that the structures actually act as prisms. So, when the blue of the sky is reflected from grass (grass that is actually colorless, especially in the dark) it is slightly hue-shifted, and appears as bright, verdant green.

Cool, huh?

Also, another popular misnomer is that people breathe oxygen. We don’t. We actually breathe nitrogen, but we require trace elements of oxygen to bond to the nitrogen molecules our lungs utilize to act as a catalyst. The oxygen actually isn’t consumed; in fact, it emerges untouched from the respiratory transaction, merely bound into another gaseous compound… carbon diOXide. See? The oxygen goes in, it comes out. We don’t actually breathe it. Humans can, in fact, subsist quite well in an atmosphere of pure nitrogen, if they just have a tiny trace amount of oxygen bled into it.

I’ve said a lot of bad things about various people in the past on this blog and in other places. I just want to say here that I take it all back, totally. I love everyone and everything. I do. Especially all my supervisors at Accent and in all my other jobs. Especially also John Byrne and Kurt Busiek and all their fans. I am all about the love. I have been a hater but no longer. Now I love. Love. Love. I love all. I love any. I love without let or hindrance, limit or boundary. Love Love Love.

Don’t be hatin’ is my new watchword. Except that it’s three watchwords. Three, three, three! That reminds me!

Now, here are some lists of things I especially love:

Kittens!
Bright shiny new pennies.
Wurfy dogs, bounding about cheerfully with big ropes of slobber coming out of their wurfy jaws, under a bright summer sky.
Trees!
Kung fu!
Old reruns of I Love Lucy. I just can’t get enough of them.
Yahoo Serious movies!
All the bloggers in the world.

And now, here is an epic poem composed in honor of all of these things:

O! the kittens
The kung fu kittens, screeching in the summer sun!
Pursued by drooling wurfy dogs, and yet, they do not run!
O! the kittens!

Luuuuuucy! You got some ‘splainin’ to do!
Says my TV screen
And it’s Yahoo Serious to the rescue
To keep bad ol’ Rick from being mean
And people blog about it
My god they blog about it
They blog and blog and blog about it
While the trolls caper and grin
And cower like babies
In their safe, safe darkness

O! the Kung Fu Kittens
and Yahoo Serious
and Lucy and Ethel
have their work cut out for them today.

And that’s all I have to say.


RULES OF THE ROAD

In one of his many invaluable essays on life in Hollywood, Mark Evanier described his first meeting with legendary TV comic and icon Milton Berle. Upon being introduced to Uncle Miltie and shaking hands with him, Mark, who is a pretty witty guy, blurted out without even thinking about it, “Wow, I didn’t recognize you in men’s clothing”. According to Mark, this soured Uncle Miltie on him from that point forward, because Mark had broken Rule Number One When Hanging With Milton Berle, namely, Never Be Funnier Than Milton Berle.

I’m reminded of that anecdote now.

Recent experiences at Electrolite being pretty much entirely similar if not completely identical to my previous experiences at Uppity-Negro.com and TampaTantrum.com, I thought I’d take the time to extrapolate whatever wisdom there is to find in the whole mess. Here’s The Deal, as far as I can see:

If you want to make friends and influence people when you head out onto the blogging trail, at least, as regards your posting comments on other people’s blogs, you MUST NOT:

(a) seem smarter than the person writing the blog you are posting comments to

(b) be funnier than the person writing the blog you are posting comments to

(c) be a better writer than the person writing the blog you are posting comments to

(d) be correct when you point out some manner in which the person writing the blog you are posting comments to was wrong, and/or

(e) Upset The Wimmenfolk On The Blog.

Rule E comes mostly out of my experiences with Aaron Hawkin’s Uppity-Negro blog. He gets a lot of female posters and like any of us male geeks would be in that admirable position, he is thoroughly whipped by them. If a new reader comes along and does anything whatsoever to offend the babes on Aaron’s blog, that new reader can expect a cold shoulder from Aaron roughly the size of the Greenland glacier. I don’t really blame Aaron for this; for a male geek, positive female attention is a jewel beyond price, and if I ever had any women posting to my blog who weren’t related to me by marriage, I’d most likely dance and sing like a puppet on a string when they cracked the lash, too.

I should add to this that I’ve learned, from Electrolite, that one Must Not Be Whimsical, Oblique, or Overly Geeky When Posting To A Big Important Political Marketplace of Ideas Type Blog, because those guys just have no time for Theodore Marley Brooks or Cornelus van Lunt references, regardless of how amusing or entertaining you and some others may find them.

Now, I am posting this to point out that while these may be the universal Rules of the Road on other blogs (and as far as I can see, they are, indeed, pretty much universal) you can ignore them here. I don’t care if you:


(a) seem smarter than I am, I like people who are smarter than I am, as long as they’re not jerks about it;

(b) are funnier than I am, then I get to laugh at your witty remarks, and hey, that’s all good;

(c) are a better writer than I am. Although I’m in a peculiar place as regards writing skills; good enough to be better than nearly all the amateurs out there, not good or lucky enough to be a professional at it. So if you are a better writer than I am, you are probably a professional writer and therefore do not have time to post comments on other people’s blogs, so this probably doesn’t matter, as relates to this blog;

(d) correct my mistakes; unlike apparently 95% of the remainder of the human race, I am under no illusions as to my own infallibility and simply don’t care if someone points out that I am wrong about something. Being wrong about things does not strike me as either a character flaw or a shameful embarrassment; we are all wrong about a lot of things every day of our lives, and that’s just how that works;

(e) Upset My Wimmenfolk. Well, actually, I shouldn’t say I don’t care if you upset my wimmenfolk, I do, the very thought deeply offends me. However, it’s just that the wimmenfolk at this point on this blog are my mom, my cuz in law, and my sister in law, and if you do something to upset them, I strongly doubt the authorities finding what’s left of you will be able to identify you without a DNA comparison. My mom, and any woman who marries any of the males in this family and stays married to him for any length of time, are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. So offend them all you want; it’s a self correcting problem.

Oh, and I like geeky references and would just adore whimsical, cleverly elliptical posts to my comment threads, although I suspect I’d get annoyed if someone started posting a whole lot of Harry Potter-speak here, just for one example.

If there is a universal rule on this blog, it is quite simply, Do Not Be A Bigger Asshole Than The Blogger. In fact, if you can avoid it (and most of my small number of regular posters avoid it with style and panache) Don’t Be An Asshole At All. I am quite a big enough asshole myself to supply all the assholiness necessary for any blog, and I will continue to keep this blog well furnished with stupid remarks, doltish mistakes, whiney rationalizations, and defensive recriminations by the ton lot, there can be no doubt. You need bring none of your own asshole nature with you, I have plenty and am always willing to share.


THE INEVITABLE DISCLAIMER

By generally accepted social standards, I'm not a likable guy. I'm not saying that to get cheap reassurances. It's simply the truth. I regard many social conventions in radically different ways than most people do, I have many many controversial opinions, and I tend to state them pretty forthrightly. This is not a formula for popularity in any social continuum I've ever experienced.

In my prior blogs, I took the fairly standard attitude: if you don't like my opinions or my blog, don't read the fucking thing.

Having given that some more thought, though, I'm not going to say that this time around, because I've realized that what this is basically saying is, 'if you don't like what I have to say, tough, I don't want to hear it, don't even bother to tell me, just go away'.

And that's actually a pretty worthless attitude. It's basically saying, 'I don't want to hear anything except unconditional agreement and approval'. And that's nonsense. This is still a free country... for a little while longer, anyway... and if you really feel you just gotta send me a flame, or post one on my comment threads (assuming they actually work, which I cannot in any way guarantee) then by all means, knock yourself out.

Unless your flame is exceptionally cogent, witty, or stylish, though, I will most likely ignore it. You do have a right to say anything you want (although I'm not sure that's a right when you're doing it in my comment threads, but hey, you can certainly send all the emails you want). However, I have an equal right not to read anything I don't feel like reading... and I'm really quick with the delete key... as various angry folks have found in the past, when they decided they just had to do their absolute level best to make me as miserable as possible.

So, if you don't like my opinions, feel free to say so. However, if I find absolutely nothing worthwhile in your commentary, I will almost certainly not respond to it in any way.

Stupidity, ignorance, intolerance... these things are only worth my time and attention if they're entertaining. So unless you can be stupid, ignorant, and/or intolerant with enough wit, style, and/or panache to amuse me... try to be smart, informed, and broad minded when you write me.


 

ALL DONATIONS GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED




WHO IS THIS IDIOT, ANYWAY?

ARCHIVES:

Friday 4/18/03

Saturday 4/19/03

Sunday 4/20/03

Sunday, later, 4/20/03

Monday, 4/21/03

Tuesday, 4/22/03

Wednesday, 4/23/03

Thursday, 4/24/03

Friday, 4/25/03

Monday, 4/28/03

Wednesday, 4/30/03

Friday, 5/2/03

Sunday, 5/4/03

Tuesday, 5/6/03

Thorsday, 5/8/03

Frey's Day, 5/9/03

Day of the Sun, 5/11/03

Moon's Day, 5/12/03

Tewes Day, 5/13/03

Woden's Day, 5/14/03

Thor's Day, 5/15/03

Frey's Day, 5/16/03

Satyr's Day, 5/17/03

Tewes's Day, 5/20/03

Woden's Day, 5/21/03

Frey's Day, 5/23/03

Satyr's Day, 5/24/03

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Tewes's Day, 5/27/03

Woden's Day, 5/28/03

Thor's Day, 5/29/03

Frey's Day, 5/30/03

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Day of the Sun/Moon's Day, 6/1&2/03

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FATHER'S DAY, 6/15/03

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Satyr's Day, 6/21/03

Day of the Sun, 6/22/03

Tewe’s Day, 6/24/03

Thor’s Day, 6/26/03

Frey’s Day, 6/27/03

Day of the Sun, 6/29/03

Tewes’ Day, 7/1/03

Thors’s Day/Frey’s Day, 7/3&4/03

Moon’s Day, 7/7/03

Woden’s Day, 7/9/03

Frey’s Day, 7/11/03

Moon’s Day, 7/21/03

Thor’s Day, 7/24/03

Moon’s Day, 7/28/03

Frey’s Day, 8/01/03

Saturn’s Day, 8/02/03

Saturn’s Day, 8/02/03

Tewes’ Day, 8/05/03

Thor’s Day, 8/07/03

Frey’s Day, 8/08/03

Satyr’s Day, 8/09/03

Tewes’ Day, 8/12/03

Woden’s Day, 8/13/03

Frey’s Day, 8/15/03

Day o’ de Sun 8/17/03

Tewes' Day 8/19/03

Thor's Day 8/21/03

Saturn's Day 8/23/03

Moon's Day 8/25/03

Woden's Day 8/27/03

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Moon's Day 9/1/03

Th/Fr’day 9/4&5/03

Mday 9/8/03

Wday 9/10/03

Thday 9/11/03

Snday 9/14/03

Mday 9/15/03

Wday 9/17/03

Saday 9/20/03

Mday 9/22/03

Satday 9/27/03

Snday 9/28/03

Wday 10/1/03

Thday 10/2/03

satday 10/4/03

tsday 10/7/03

frday 10/10/03

satday 10/11/03

sun/monday 10/12&13/03

tuesday 10/14/03

thursday 10/16/03

saturday 10/18/03

sunday 10/19/03

monday 10/20/03

tuesday 10/21/03

friday 10/24/03

saturday 10/25/03

monday 10/27/03

tuesday 10/28/03

thursday 10/30/03

friday 10/31/03

saturday 11/1/03

sunday 11/2/03

monday 11/3/03

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wednesday 11/12/03

friday 11/14/03

sunday 11/16/03

thursday 11/20/03

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sunday 11/23/03

thanksgiving thursday 11/27/03

Sunday 11/30/03

Tuesday 12/2/03

Monday 12/8/03

Wednesday 12/10/03

Monday 12/15/03

Friday 12/19/03

Monday 12/22/03

Thursday 12/25/03 Christmas Day

Wednesday 12/31/03 New Year’s Eve

Friday 1/2/04

Monday 1/5/04

Friday 1/9/04

Monday 1/12/04

Thursday 1/15/04

Tuesday 1/20/04

Saturday 1/24/04

Tuesday 1/27 & Wednesday 1/28, 2004

Thursday, 1/29/04

Sunday, 2/1/04

Tuesday, 2/3/04

Thursday, 2/5/04

Sunday, 2/8/04

Tuesday, 2/10/04

Thursday, 2/12/04

Sunday, 2/15/04

Sunday, 2/17/04

OTHER FINE LOOKIN WEBLOGS:

Pen-Elayne on the Web

Dean's World

Eyesicle

Reach-M High Cowboy Noose

Peevish

Pop Culture Gadabout

Vanessa’s Blog

Bored and Broke

Mah Two Cents

If anyone else out there has linked me and you don't find your blog or webpage here, drop me an email and let me know! I'm a firm believer in the social contract.

BROWN EYED HANDSOME ARTICLES OF NOTE:

Buffy Lives! Her Series Dies! And Why I Regard It As A Mercy Killing..

ROBERT A. HEINLEIN, MARK EVANIER & ME: Robert Heinlein's Influence on Modern Day Superhero Comics

KILL THEM ALL AND LET NEO SORT THEM OUT: The Essential Immorality of The Matrix

HEINLEIN: The Man, The Myth, The Whackjob

BILL OF GOODS: The Words of A Heinlein Fan Like Nearly Every Other Heinlein Fan I've Ever Met, But More Polite

FIRST RAPE, THEN PILLAGE, THEN BURN: S.M. Stirling shows us terror... in a handful of alternate histories

DOING COMICS THE STAINLESS STEVE ENGLEHART WAY!by "John Jones" (that's me, D. Madigan), & Jeff Clem, with annotations by Steve Englehart

JOHN JONES: THREAT OR MENACE!

FUNERAL FOR A FRIENDSHIP

Why I Disliked Carol Kalish And Don't Care If Peter David Disagrees With Me

MARTIAN VISION, by John Jones, the Manhunter from Marathon, IL

BROWN EYED HANDSOME GEEK STUFF:

Doc Nebula’s HeroClix House Rules!

Doc Nebula’s HeroClix List!

Doc Nebula's Phantasmagorical Fan Page!

The Fantasy Worlds of Jeff Webb

THE OMNIVERSE TIMELINE

World Of Empire Fantasy Roleplaying Campaign

The Jeff Webb Art Site

S.M. Stirling

BROWN EYED HANDSOME FICTION (mostly):

NOVELS: [* = not yet written]

Universal Maintenance

Universal Agent*

Universal Law*

Time Watch

Endgame

Earthquest

Earthgame*

Warren's World

Warlord of Erberos

Return to Erberos*

ZAP FORCE #1: ROYAL BLOOD

Memoir:

In The Early Morning Rain

Short Stories:

Positive

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Leadership

Talkin' 'bout My Girl

No Good Angel

No Time Like The Present

Pursuit of Happiness

The Last One

Pursuit of Happiness

Return To Sender

Halo

Primogenitor

Alleged Humor:

Ask A Bastard!

On The Road Again

Meeting of the Mindless

Star Drek

THE ADVENTURES OF FATHER O'BRANNIGAN

Fan Fic:

The Captain and the Queen

A Day Unlike Any Other (Iron Mike & Guardian)

DOOM Unto Others! (Iron Mike & Guardian)

Starry, Starry Night(Iron Mike & Guardian)

A Friend In Need (Blackstar & Guardian)

All The Time In The World(Blackstar)

The End of the Innocence(Iron Mike & Guardian)

And Be One Traveler(Iron Mike & Guardian)

BROWN EYED HANDSOME COMICS SCRIPTS & PROPOSALS:

SERAPHIM 66

AMAZONIA by D.A. Madigan & Nancy Champion (7 pages final script)

AMAZONIA (Alternate Draft 1)

AMAZONIA (Alternate Draft 2)

AMAZONIA (World Timeline)

TEAM VENTURE by Darren Madigan and Mike Norton

FANTASTIC FOUR 2099, by D.A. Madigan!

BROWN EYED HANDSOME CARTOONS:

DOC NEBULA'S CARTOON FUN PAGE!

DOC NEBULA'S CARTOON FUN, PAGE 2!

DOC NEBULA'S CARTOON FUN, PAGE 3!

WEIRD WAR COMICS COVER ART.

ULTRASPEED!

Help Us, Batman...

JLA Membership drive

Don't Leave Us, Batman...!

Ever wondered what happened to the World's Finest Super-team?

Two heroes meet their editor...

At the movies with some legendary Silver Age sidekicks...

What really happened to Kandor...

Ever wondered how certain characters managed to get into the Legion of Superheroes?

A never before seen panel from the Golden Age of Comics...

BOOM!

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