Site hosted by Build your free website today!

Quotable Quotes

Site Map

This is the Quotable Quotes section at, continuing a practice put into play by a certain teacher of mine in junior high. Here, we'll have quotes for any moment, considering all you have are stupid moments. It's very possible that trademarks will be infringed, so in that case, please don't sue me. Credit will be given when available. If you've got a cool quote, send it to me, at On to the quotes!

Citizen Matt's Quotes
Here's some I found all by myself

- "All men are jerks, all women are psychotic."
Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

- "You' a nice army base here colonel. We wouldn't want any thing to happen to it."
Monty Python, Monty Python's Flying Circus

- "We don't know how to make an invisible robot." "Do you know how to make an empty box?"
Alice and Dogbert, Dilbert

- "I can no longer hold this inside. YOU CALL THAT BREATHING??! GET THE OTHER NOSTRIL INVOLVED! I wonder if he'll realize that i just enjoy yelling."
Dogbert, Dilbert

- "Laws are like sausages; you don't want to see them being made."
Otto Van Bismarck

- "You never know what hits you. A gunshot is the perfect way."
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, on how he'd choose to die.

- "He's so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time."
Lyndon Johnson on Gerald Ford

- "Maybe this world is another world's hell."
Aldous Huxley

- "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face - forever."
George Orwell

- "Joyous distrust is a sign of health. Everything absolute belongs to pathology."
Frederich Nietzsche

- "When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one."
George Carlin

- "We shall never understand each other until we reduce the language to seven words."
Kahlil Gibson, Sand and Foam

- "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music."

- "If you can't dance, you fuck a lot of waitresses."

- "Canadians weren't proud in themselves until beer told them to be."
Ian Bowes

- "While there is a lower class, I am in it.
While there is a criminal element I am of it.
While there is a soul in prison I am not free."
Eugene Victor Debs

Spooky's Picks
Number 4's own Spooky Squared with some quotes

-"Choke on that, Causality!"
Professor Farnsworth, Futurama

-"What is it about psychopaths that draws them to collage art?"
Grace Hall

-"Why does the weather always get like this (dark and stormy) whenever someone screws with the boundaries of nature?"
Darien Fawkes

-"Never wear anything that panics the cat."
PJ O'Rourke

Death, from Discworld

-"I predict that a large city in Colorado will be the victim of a strange and terrible pressure from outer space, which will cause all solids to turn into a jelly-like mass."
Psychic (more like psychotic) Jerry Criswell

-"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx

-"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"
Will Rogers

-"There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment industry- beat it to death if it succeeds."
Ernie Kovacs

-"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock."
Will Rogers

-"Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system."
PJ O'Rourke

-"I don't know where my creativity comes from, and I don't want to know."
Johnny Carson

-"There's no sin...except stupidity."
Oscar Wilde

-"If you've enjoyed this program just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you."
Michael Palin

-"I think TV's killed real entertainment. In the old days we had to make our own fun. At Christmas parties I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly with blunt instruments while crooning."
Graham Chapman

Jigoku-Sama's Obligatory Quotes Section
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

-"If you do not study when you are young, when you are old you will feel sad because you have lost time."
Chinese proverb

-"There is only one good that is knowledge; one evil that is ignorance."

-"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
English Proverb

-"You can compensate for stupidity with hard work."
Chinese saying

-"In time of difficulties, we must not lose site of our achievements."
Mao Tse Tung

-"The journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step."
Lao Tzu

-"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."
Lao Tzu

-"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless."
Bruce Lee

-"Water can flow or it can crash, be water my friend."
Bruce Lee

Swanks Section
Here's some from a guy known only as Swanky. Unfortunately, he doesn't know who said many of them. I have a sneaking suspicion that they are from George Carlin, but oh well.

-"The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning is not hearing it."

-"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."

-"If money doesn’t grow on trees how come banks continue to sprout branches?"

-" It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire."
Jack Handy

-"Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing."
Bart Simpson

-"I put out these milk and cookies as a sacrifice. If Thou wishest me to eat them, please give me a sign by doing absolutely nothing. MMMMmmmm..."
Homer Simpson

-"God has no place within [school] walls just as facts have no place within organized religion."
Superintendent Chalmers,The Simpsons

-"God is real, unless declared integer."

-"Power corrupts; Absolute power corrupts absolutely; God is all-powerful. Draw your own conclusions."

-"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."

-"A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

-"If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?"

-"On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

-"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

-"Always borrow money from a pessimist: he doesn't expect to be paid back."

-"Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them."
pacifist's badge

-"In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it."

-"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

-"Indecision is my only flaw, I think..."

-"Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else."

-"A parrot is an animal with the ability to imitate man but not enough intelligence to refrain from doing so."

-"A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl who doesn't."

-"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen

-"There are 3 types of people in life: those that can count and those that can't."

-"Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes."

-"An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did."

-"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun."

-"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
Brad Ramsey

-"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

-"You have to sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
Alan Coren

-"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."

-"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
Compton Mackenzie

-"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen

-"I think my parents weren’t that bad, at least they put money aside for my therapy."

-"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
Leo Duracher

-"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
Bill Cosby

-"Sometimes you have to do that with adults--just say what they need you to say--so they'll get out of your face."
Tarantula Shoes, by Tom Birdseye

-"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
Fred Allen

-"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

-"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."

-"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."

-"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

-"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."

-"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."

-"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
Nipsey Broyles

-"Who needs sleep when you have late night infomercials?"
Swanks himself

-"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"

-"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
Jerome K. Jerome

-"The person who says 'I won't say another word' always does."
Suzan L. Wiener

-"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
W.C. Fields

-"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."
Rita Rudner

-"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
Erma Bombeck

-"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig."

-"Put all your eggs in one basket, and watch that basket."

-"So you're a god, eh? Very nice, very nice. But, you still don't have a reservation..."
Monty Python

-"Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do."
Bertrand Russell

-"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."

-"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
Bill Cosby

-"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
Tommy Bolt

-"Our whipped butter is made with margarine."
Restaurant menu

-"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you."
Restaurant Notice

-"Carpe Diem. Be the Carp, man."
Out Cold