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Welcome to IFAQ, hosted by Spooky Squared, (in one of the few things she's done here at Number 4) the place where we answer questions you didn't ask. If, by some off chance you actually HAVE a question for one of our intrepid employees, send it to Now on to the imaginary questions!

Q: Who do you expect to read this crap?

A: Well, it looks like we hooked you, you uncultured sack of jungle lice.

Q: …the hell? Where’s all the content? I want some content, dammit!

A: And I want a GT-40. Life’s tough like that. All the content we have is in the Series page.

Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A: A woodchuck could chuck any amount of wood since a woodchuck can’t chuck wood.

Q: But if a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

A: Even if a woodchuck could chuck wood, it would chuck no wood since a woodchuck wouldn’t chuck.

Q: So if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

A: Shut up.

Q: What’s up with “Number 4”? The Number Four what?

A: Okay, here’s the deal. Find one of The Captain and Tenille’s 1985 records, set it to the fourth groove from the center, and play it backwards for 4 seconds. Tape those four seconds and set them on a continuous loop. You’ll see what we mean.

Q: What’s all this, then?

A: What are you, the Spanish Inquisition? Expected or not, we don’t have to answer you!

Q: Where do you live?

A: Ever seen Ghost in the Shell?

Q: No, really. Where are you guys from?

A: Lithuania. We’re the third settlement to get Internet access! You wouldn’t believe the lineups around here on Porn-Surfing Tuesdays, let me tell you…

Q: Sew me back up, my sides are splitting. Seriously, where?

A: For crying out loud, go look at the updates page and make an educated guess.

Q: Why do Spooky and Jigoku work here?

A: We ask ourselves that every day. Every single day.

Q: What, exactly, does the staff of Number 4 do?

A: Citizen Matt is the webmaster…of doom! He codes the site and uploads the content. He also writes the site’s first series, The Cause. Jigoku-Sama writes Restricted Romance (yes, he knows it was a poor choice for a title). I…um, I do this. And some other stuff. Look, you got a problem? I don’t have to be here! I could have my own site. But I…don’t want to. So there.

Q: So you’re saying that to be on the staff, all we have to do is claim to be working on something and promise to upload it?

A: Basically, yes. Matt’s pretty desperate.

Q: Sweet deal! I’m on!

A: You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

Q: Damn straight, bitch.

A: Bring it on! I can take you any day, you inbred spawn of a livestock molester.

Q: Gloves are off, bootlicker! Let’s get this over—

Citizen Matt: Okay, that’s it. Break it up. I think the IFAQ’s done.

A: Is this a joke? I’m hosting the FAQ, my friend, so back off!

Citizen Matt: Too bad. Finish it. See you next time, same IFAQ time, same IFAQ channel!