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 Quiet Heart

Part One

 

Author:  Kinkyhobbit  13/5/02

Pairing:  EW/DM

Genre:  RPS

Rating:  M

Warnings:  Angst, stupidity, betrayal, confusion, love, reconciliation, passion, friendship. All the things that let you know you’re alive. And a bit of language. 

Disclaimer:  I’m not responsible for these people, which is probably good considering what I keep putting them through. Luckily for them, I made it all up.

Summary:  Elijah and Dom are having trouble. 

 

 

No matter how far you’ve come,

You’ve always got further to go.

I tried to tell you,

I can only say it when we’re apart.

About this storm inside of me,

And how I miss your quiet, quiet heart.

Quiet Heart, The Go-Betweens.

 

His mother once told him trust was the core of everything. Without trust, everything else faltered. She hadn’t specifically said friendship and love faltered, but he wished she had. It might have saved him from learning it the hard way. Stupid boy, he should have known.

 

He did know he’d been lucky. He'd messed up a few times, and Dom forgave him every time. Cried and forgave. Accepted his stupidity and loved him anyway. But when they were apart he got so lonely, he needed something, anything, from anybody. He would fall, and it was a long climb back to get Dom’s trust. Sometimes he felt he never quite got there before he fell again. To make matters worse, each slip saw a bit of that trust destroyed, and now he was sure there was almost nothing left.

 

The rumours didn’t help either. Elijah had never lied to Dom, he'd always been totally honest. But he'd slipped often enough, and there were rumours often enough, that Dom could never be sure. The rumours, true or not, tainted everything. Elijah knew and understood, but it still made him angry.

 

So the distrust grew, darkly, in the background. It followed them around the house and gradually filled it. He could see it in Dom's face. He had begun to see it in the faces of their friends. He resented it and took that resentment out on Dom, and that only made things worse.

 

They still had sex, only it wasn't an expression of love any more, it was a substitute for communication. They just couldn't talk to each other so they would fuck instead. It would start with a fight, with frustration at not being able to get through to one another. Quick and rough, it took no longer than was absolutely necessary to get it done. He missed those long, lazy afternoons of lovemaking and wanted them back. He suspected Dom felt the same way, but neither of them knew how to make it happen.

 

He also suspected that, like himself, Dom stayed because of the sex. When even that was gone, then they would really know it was over. The sex, however bad it was, gave them some hope. They just didn't know where to start.

 

He had to do something to make it right, but they were in each other’s faces so much there was no time to think. He loved Dom, that was the only thing he was certain of. He loved him and hated himself for feeling angry and resentful. He was the one who started fucking around with others, he was the one who gave Dom all that fear and distrust, knowing the rumours would only nurture it.

 

All of this was his fault so he brought the subject up, knowing full well how fucking pathetic and clichéd it sounded but sincerely believing it was the best thing for both of them.

 

“I think we need a break,” he said.

 

He’d just ducked outside for a smoke and was standing in the doorway. His hand shook and he dropped ash on the carpet.

 

Dom was reading a magazine. He didn’t look up, and Elijah wondered for a moment if Dom had heard him. He was about to speak again when Dom sighed and put the magazine down in his lap, and looked up at him.

 

“Yeah?” he said grimly. “Are you dumping me?”

 

Elijah tossed his cigarette into the garden and shook his head, frowning. “No, fuck, I…I just think we need a break from each other.”

 

Dom was staring at him so hard he felt like he was lying, even though he wasn’t. He couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he just turned and went back outside.

 

 

That night they went to the launch of Viggo’s new exhibition and Elijah didn’t feel comfortable at all. He lurked in a corner stealing drinks from the staff whenever they passed. He hadn’t planned on getting drunk, but it looked like he was improvising in that direction.

 

Viggo noticed him alone and wandered over, a glass in his hand, the hint of a smile on his lips. “Are you making an exhibition of yourself, Elijah?”

 

Elijah shook his head, groaning. “Ha ha.”

 

Viggo just shrugged. “You set yourself up for that.” He held out his other arm and Elijah smiled and stepped into the hug. Viggo ruffled his hair gently then let him go.

 

“So how’s things?”

 

“Okay,” he mumbled, leaning against the wall and swirling the liquid in his glass.

 

“Some less okay than others,” commented Viggo, nodding in Dom’s direction.

 

“It’s that obvious?”

 

“Only to someone who’s known you both for longer than five minutes.”

 

Elijah smiled briefly. “Oh, well then.”

 

Viggo leaned against the wall beside him and fixed his blue eyes on him.

 

Elijah looked at him and sighed. “It’s me,” he said simply. “It’s entirely me. I’m a fucking idiot.”

 

“You’re an adult, you know what you have to do.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Still swirling his drink.

 

“Get your shit together.” Viggo took a sip from his glass.

 

“I know.” Elijah drained his. He glanced at Viggo and saw the smile lurking there, and playfully nudged him.

 

They watched the milling crowd silently. Dom and Billy were on the other side of the room. Dom had already glanced at him more than once.

 

“He doesn’t trust you anymore,” said Viggo.

 

“Can’t blame him.” Elijah sighed and fidgeted, pushing a hand into the pocket of his jeans. “I said today I think we need a break from each other.”

 

Viggo raised an eyebrow. “What did Dom say?”

 

“He asked if I was breaking up with him.”

 

“A fair question, I would have asked it.”

 

“Yeah, thanks Viggo.”

 

“Well?”

 

Elijah looked at him questioningly. “Well what?”

 

“Are you breaking up with him?”

 

He pulled a face. “No, I…I love him but…everything’s so fucked up.” He sighed in frustration.

 

Viggo put his arm around him and hugged him again. “Running away isn’t going to help, you know. Self-pity won't either. You’ve got to talk to each other eventually. Especially if you suspect he's close to leaving.”

 

“But every time we talk, we fight. It’s horrible, I hate it.”

 

Viggo pulled him a little closer and Elijah let his head fall against Viggo’s chest.

 

“Why don’t you have all the answers?” he asked, half seriously.

 

Viggo shrugged. “I gave you an answer, you just didn’t like it.” He sighed. “Look, you know if you need anything, you need only ask.”

 

Elijah hugged him tightly. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

 

 

It had been a good night really, he’d just felt uncomfortable. Orli and Billy were both a little strange. He knew everybody was talking about him and Dom, analysing their relationship. Probably laying blame somewhere. It was starting to affect everyone.

 

Elijah thought about it on the drive home. His mind was fuzzy with alcohol, so he wasn’t paying too much attention to the silence between them.

 

Eventually Dom spoke. “So what did you and Viggo talk about?”

 

Elijah sighed. “He was asking about us, if we were okay.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Silence.

 

“What did you tell him?”

 

“That…I told him what happened today.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“Just told me to get my shit together.”

 

Dom didn’t laugh. “You two were getting pretty cosy.”

 

Elijah turned and gazed at him, trying to focus. “What? Do you think…me and Viggo?”

 

Dom didn't look at him and his face didn't change.

 

“There's nothing going on, Dom. Now you're getting paranoid.”

 

Dom laughed now. That bitter laugh he kept for when he couldn't think of anything to say.

 

“Dom, I…I was serious this afternoon. I really think we should have a break away from each other.”

 

“Yeah,” he sighed sadly. “Whatever you want.”

 

Dom didn’t say anymore. Elijah watched his face as he drove, but he didn’t give much away. Elijah felt guilty and reached out, resting his hand gently on Dom’s thigh until they got home.

 

They entered the house and went through the motions, undressing and preparing for bed, not speaking. Elijah wondered if his parents were like this before they split, and in that moment he made his decision.

 

They fell into bed, Elijah drunk and close to passing out. They slid together, their bodies familiar and comfortable, but unthinking. Elijah could feel Dom’s chest moving as he breathed.

 

Elijah quickly faded, drifting into sleep. The last thing he felt before slipping under completely was Dom’s arm being pulled from beneath him, and Dom turning away.

 

Kinkyhobbit 2002

 

Part 2

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