The Famous Five and the Mystery of Moria

Chapter Three

 

 

Author:  Kinkyhobbit and Kevswitchau 6/02

Genre:  AU, Humour, LOTR/Famous Five crossover

Rating:  M

Warning:  Contains elf gardening jokes.

Disclaimer:  We take no responsibility for the characters, but full responsibility for their circumstances.

Summary:  The hobbits meet the children for the first time, and arrive at Rivendell.

 

 

The first day’s journey after Frodo’s hasty departure was a subdued one. Nobody wanted to stop for second breakfast, not even Pippin. Strider found he could travel at his usual, faster pace because that was what the hobbits also wanted. They made good ground and were so exhausted by nightfall, they were awake only long enough to eat some supper.

 

The next morning Strider was stoking the fire as they woke. They ate breakfast quickly, anxious to get going. They were packed and ready to go when Pippin suddenly stopped, nose twitching and eyes darting about.

 

"Sausages…mushrooms…nice crispy bacon!”

 

“Don’t be silly, P-” Merry got no further before he was on his feet sniffing the air. “I can smell it too!”

 

Sam scowled and kept loading their gear onto Bill’s back. “Sometimes I think they have stomachs for brains, Bill,” he muttered.

 

But no sooner had he spoken than Merry and Pippin darted off into the trees, heading back the way they had come.

 

“Hey! We have to get to Mr Frodo!” yelled Sam angrily.

 

Strider sighed. “Oh, I should have known this would happen eventually…”

 

 

The children were up early too. Anne carefully polished the cutlery and was in the middle of cooking breakfast when a voice came from the bushes nearby.

 

“I smell second breakfast!”

 

“A talking bush!” she exclaimed, pointing.

 

Julian scowled. “That’s no talking bush!” 

 

He shook it and Merry and Pippin rolled out in front of them.

 

“Goodness me!” exclaimed Anne, getting excited. “Little men! How cute!”

 

“They’re not little men, they’re two of those hobbits!” said George. “How did they know we were here?”

 

“I told you we were too close to their camp!” said Dick angrily, turning on Julian. “Just because you want to perve on that Ranger! Now we’ve been caught!”

 

Strider stepped into the clearing as Anne was trying to beat Merry and Pippin back with a spoon.

 

“Merry! Pippin! Stop that at once!”

 

They jumped at the stern sound of Strider’s voice and sat down meekly, still eyeing off the contents of Anne’s frying pan. The children stood in silence, uncertain now what to do. Only Timmy moved, bounding up to Strider and jumping up at him, barking happily.

 

Strider smiled and ruffled his fur, barking back at him. Everyone else watched, dumbstruck.

 

“Are you talking to Timmy?” asked George.

 

“Yes,” said Strider simply. “I can talk to many animals.”

 

Julian puffed out his chest and stepped forward. “Er, hello, I’m Julian and we’re the famous five, and-”

 

“Famous who?” asked Merry, wrinkling his nose.

 

“The famous five,” replied Julian tersely, desperate to impress Strider. “We’re the famous five, and we overhead everything at the Prancing Pony. We don’t know exactly what’s going on but if it’s anything illegal we’ll jolly well put a stop to it!”

 

He nodded firmly and crossed his arms, glaring defiantly at Strider. Strider smiled slightly and walked slowly around Julian, making him keep turning to keep up with him.

 

“Well,” said Strider, winking at Merry and Pippin. “I see we’ve been caught.”

 

“Yes, there’s something very queer going on here, that’s for sure,” nodded Dick.

 

Strider’s smile got bigger. “I’ve known about you following us since we left Bree.”

 

The children were taken aback.

 

“You have?” asked Anne. “So…” she looked at the others, frowning.

 

“I just thought you wouldn’t be a problem. What possible threat could four children and a dog pose?”

 

Julian bristled, insulted at Strider’s dismissive and overbearing tone. “Now see here-”

 

He was cut off by Strider’s gloved finger which appeared at the very tip of his nose.

 

Timmy sat at Strider’s feet and barked at Julian.

 

“Yes, exactly!” said Strider to Timmy, nodding in agreement.

 

George boggled. “What? What did he say?”

 

Strider ignored her, staring Julian straight in the eye. “Now you listen to me,” he said quietly and calmly. “I did nothing because I felt you were harmless. If you decide you are going to make a nuisance of yourself I will have to take steps, understand?”

 

Julian swallowed nervously, feeling strangely excited by Strider’s menacing tone and hard eyes.

 

“You know the danger to be found in following us. If you’re going to insist then there’s nothing I can do, but I will not put up with any interference in our journey. You are to be quiet, to mind your own business, and if I give an order you are to obey it. Is that understood?”

 

“Obey orders,” Julian nodded. “Okay.”

 

“And you better do as he says,” said Pippin more bravely than he felt. “Or…or…or else.”

 

Merry gave him a look, but smiled at the doubt on Pippin’s face. “Well said, Pip,” he said softly.

 

Pippin grinned. “Really?”

 

“No.” Merry patted his leg affectionately.

 

They left the clearing and ran into Sam, who had come to investigate the delay. The angry frown on his face disappeared, replaced by confusion.

 

“Mr Strider! Who are they? What are they doing here?”

 

“They’re following us, Sam.”

 

“But we can’t afford any delay! We have to get to Mr Frodo!”

 

Strider put an arm around his shoulders. “We will, Sam. If they can’t keep up with us, that is not our concern. Our plans have not changed.”

 

 

It was early afternoon and again they had still made good speed that day. The children kept their distance, except for Julian who kept pace at Strider’s heels.

 

George was greatly annoyed that Timmy seemed to spend a lot of time with Strider.

 

“I don’t believe he can talk to animals,” she pouted. “It’s preposterous!”

 

“Well, Timmy is awfully talkative around him,” mused Dick. “It sounds like they’re having a conversation, it really does!”

 

“Oh shut up Dick. You’re almost as bad as Julian.”

 

“No I’m not!  Look at him!”

 

George laughed despite herself. Julian trotted along behind Strider with Timmy, clearly trying to create an impression.

 

“Isn’t it lunchtime yet?” moaned Dick. “I’m hungry.”

 

As if on cue, Strider stopped and motioned for everyone to do the same. The hobbits began unpacking their provisions, except for Sam. He stood transfixed, staring, then took off into the trees on their right.

 

“Sam! Where are you going?” yelled Strider.

 

“Just a minute…I’ve spotted something!”

 

They all followed. Sam turned and shook his head, smiling, as they walked up to him.

 

“It’s like a…a shrubbery.”

 

“A shrubbery?” said Merry. “In the forest?”

 

“Well, yes.”

 

They stared at it. It was indeed a shrubbery. One that looked nice. And not too expensive.

 

“Does this mean we’re close to Rivendell, Mr Strider?” asked Sam hopefully.

 

Strider walked a bit further, examining the shrubbery for several moments before shaking his head.

 

“No. No water features. Definitely not the work of elves.”

 

There were sighs and mumbles of disappointment from the hobbits, and awe from the children.

 

“What do you mean, elves?” asked George. “They’re just stories, they’re not real.”

 

Strider gazed at her. “The world is not as simple as you would like to believe. It is far more magical and complicated.”

 

“Yes, but…elves?” said Anne incredulously. “What do they look like?”

 

“Oh, they’re beautiful,” mused Sam with a wistful smile. Then he blushed. “Well…I haven't seen one, but I've heard they're like men but taller, and they have pointy ears like us, and they’re immortal.”

 

“Where do they live?” asked Anne.

 

“Well, we’re going to Rivendell, aren’t we Mr Strider?”

 

Strider nodded. “Now come along, the sooner we get moving again the sooner we arrive.”

 

They began walking again.

 

“How far to this Rivendell?” asked Julian.

 

“Another day’s journey at least.”

 

“What’s it look like?”

 

Strider sighed. “It looks…like a forest city, with castles and towers of trees and waterfalls, where you sometimes can’t tell where the buildings end and the forest begins.”

 

“Sounds beautiful,” sighed Anne.

 

“Sounds queer,” grumbled George.

 

“Does it look a bit like that?” asked Dick, pointing through a gap in the trees.

 

Strider frowned. “Oh.”

 

“What?”

 

“That would be Rivendell.”

 

A peculiar, high-pitched singing reached their ears.

 

“And what is that?” asked George, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

 

A tall thin figure in an extravagant purple dress appeared some distance away, flitting through the trees waving it’s arms and singing terribly.

 

“Heathcliff! It’s meeee! Elrond! I’ve come ho-oh-oh-ome! Let me i-in your window-oh-oh-oh!”

 

“That,” said Strider with a sigh. “Is Lord Elrond.”

 

Elrond’s voice floated back to them on the wind as he disappeared towards Rivendell.  “Heathcliff! I’ve been playing! In the forest! With the pixies and the fairies! Oh-oh-oh-oh!”

 

There was a moment of stunned silence. Even Timmy looked shocked.

 

“Are all the elves like that?” asked George fearfully.

 

“No.”

 

“Oh thank god.”

 

Strider turned to face the group. “Sam, Merry, Pippin and I will go ahead. The rest of you should wait here until one of us comes to get you. We are expected but you are not, so I don’t want you to make your presence known until I have spoken to Lord Elrond. Understood?”

 

They nodded and watched as Strider and the hobbits entered Rivendell.

 

All went well for approximately eight seconds, until Anne became so enraptured with what she saw she stood up and followed them.

 

“Anne!” called George fiercely. “ANNE!”

 

“Oh, just like a girl!” snarled Dick. “Ju!”

 

“I know, we have to go after her, come on.”

 

 

Elrond was already aware of the children’s presence. It seemed Arwen had also noticed them following Strider and the hobbits and had told him. They were expected, but not necessarily welcome.

 

Elrond paced up and down in front of them. He had asked they be brought straight to him and now they waited quietly while he decided what to do.

 

“I suppose,” he mused out loud. “You’re a long way from home now.”

 

“Yes, Lord Elrond,” replied Julian. “To be honest, we’re not exactly sure where we are.”

 

“We have enough to do at the moment. We are preparing to leave Rivendell, and at the same time we must do something to help this…ringbearer.”

 

“We’ll do anything we can to help,” said Julian enthusiastically.

 

Elrond smiled slightly. “Well, that’s…comforting.”

 

“You can’t send us home now!” exclaimed Dick. “Like you said, it’s a long way!”

 

“Yes, and we won’t be any trouble!” nodded Anne.

 

“We might even be able to help,” said George. “We’ll do anything if you’ll let us stay.”

 

Elrond smiled even more broadly. “Very well then. I’ll have someone find you some rooms here in my house,” he scowled at them. “Where I can keep an eye on you all.”

 

“Oh thank you Lord Elrond!” said Anne, smiling. “I mean, Queen El-…I mean, Your Majesty!”

 

“Lord Elrond is fine,” nodded Elrond. Another elf entered and Elrond spoke to him briefly before turning back to the children and gesturing for them to follow the other elf. “I will speak to you all later. In the meantime, make yourselves comfortable.”

 

 

Frodo felt he had been asleep for ever. His head was filled with vague, unpleasant dreams of enormous cloaked men with swords chasing him and smacking his bottom, demanding his ring. Then he was riding a horse and the cloaked men were still chasing him. He got away and found himself being stripped naked by tall, pointy-eared people who seemed very interested in giving him baths and backrubs, except for the rather frightening-looking one who kept asking him about the ring.

 

He felt comfortable, though. His brain was telling him to open his eyes, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to sleep and dream again of the handsome, muscular, dark-haired elf who bathed him. Unfortunately his brain would have none of it.

 

“Where am I?” he asked, opening his eyes.

 

“You are in Rivendell, in the House of Elrond.”

 

He winced and sat up. “Gandalf?”

 

Gandalf nodded and smiled. “Hmm, yes. Good to see you, Frodo. We didn’t think you would make it.”

 

“Where are the others?”

 

“Mr Frodo, you’re awake!” As if on cue Sam raced into the room, leaping onto the bed and pulling Frodo into an enormous hug.

 

“Dear Sam hasn’t left you alone since he arrived. I’m amazed you’ve had any rest at all.”

 

Sam let Frodo lie back on the bed.

 

“Are you allright Sam?”

 

Sam was transfixed by Frodo’s exposed nipple.

 

“Sam?”

 

Sam shook his head, meeting Frodo’s gaze. “What?”

 

“Are you allright?”

 

Sam’s eyes dropped back to the exposed nipple, his fingers absentmindedly rubbing the sheet over Frodo’s stomach. “Yes, yes I’m…fine…”

 

Frodo turned to Gandalf. “What happened to you? Why didn’t you meet us?”

 

Gandalf smiled and looked uncomfortable, as if unsure how to start. “I'm sorry Frodo. I was…delayed.”

 

“How?”

 

“I had planned on visiting an old friend before meeting you at the Inn. It appears this…old friend…has become a foe.”

 

“Who is he?”

 

“Another wizard. Saruman. Pretentious as can be,” replied Gandalf, shaking his head. “He always talks like he’s writing his autobiography. ‘Smoke rises from the mountain of doom, the hour grows late, and Gandalf the Grey rides to meet me’.”

 

“Does he really talk like that?” asked Sam.

 

“Yes, the stuck up old sod.” Gandalf puffed irritably on his pipe.

 

They looked up as Elrond entered, walking to the side of the bed and smiling down at Frodo. Frodo's eyes widened as he recognised the scary elf from his dreams.

 

“I see you’re awake, Mr Baggins. Good of you to join us.”

 

“Thank you,” said Frodo in a small voice. Sam gave his hand a squeeze.

 

“You are welcome to stay for as long as it takes you to recover, Frodo.”

 

Frodo smiled and Sam laughed. “You’ve got to see Rivendell, Mr Frodo, it’s beautiful!” he gushed. “And the elves…” he glanced shyly at Elrond, then back at Frodo. “Well, as soon as you’re better…”

 

“I feel better already, Sam.”

 

They gazed at each other, and Gandalf cleared his throat and stood up, glancing at Elrond.

 

“Well, er…I think we have some matters to discuss, eh?”

 

As soon as they were out of the room Sam kissed Frodo passionately and dived under the covers with him.

 

“I thought they’d never leave!”  he grinned, cuddling up to Frodo.

 

Frodo smiled and snuggled closer. “So have you been here long?”

 

“Only a day. Why?”

 

“I thought perhaps you can tell me something.”

 

Sam sat up. “What is it, Mr Frodo?”

 

“Well…why on earth do I smell of strawberries?”

 

 

Anne had found heaven. Rivendell was beautiful and the elves adored her. While her tendency to carry a small pair of scissors and snip off split ends unnerved some, she was now hugely popular because of her hair clip and ribbon collection and was currently holding court in one of the gardens, demonstrating new and exciting ways to make plaits.

 

“Miss Anne, you truly are amazing,” said one elf at her feet.

 

“Yes, I’ve never met a human before who really appreciated the subtleties of plaiting,” commented another.

 

“Tell us again about how careful brushing can actually help avoid split ends.”

 

Anne had just begun to explain the importance of choosing the proper brush and comb when Lord Elrond appeared. He did not look happy.

 

“Anne of…whoever you are,” he said with a smile that did not disguise his tone. “I must speak with you at once.”

 

Anne followed Lord Elrond some distance away. When he turned he scowled fiercely at her, the smile gone completely.

 

“Now you listen to me! There’s only one Queen of Rivendell, and that is ME! Understood?”

 

“Yes, Lord…Queen…um…oh, I have a present for you!”

 

Anne produced a butterfly clip from her pocket and handed it to Elrond. He stared at it, then at her.

 

“For me?”

 

“Of course!” Anne grinned. “To thank you for letting us stay.”

 

“Well…” Elrond’s smile broadened. “I suppose…that’s allright then.”

 

Anne jumped and clapped her hands gleefully. “I’m so glad you like it! Would you like me to put it on for you?”

 

Elrond handed her the clip. When she was done she smiled. “That is just so you, it really is.”

 

“Well thank you Anne…now, what were we talking about?”

 

“You were telling me how you’re the Queen of Rivendell.”

 

“Oh, yes…”

 

They strolled along discussing hair clips when Anne caught sight of a handsome blonde elf riding through the gates on a beautiful white horse.

 

“Oh! Who is that? He’s beautiful!”

 

Elrond smiled broadly. “That’s Legolas. He’s here for the Council meeting tomorrow.”

 

 

George skulked about feeling very depressed and bored.

 

“It’s so pretty,” she growled. “Everything is so bloody pretty.”

 

She was sitting on a rock in a garden after having been scolded yet again for climbing the trees. She glanced up just in time to see a number of small, bearded men arriving. They were heavily armoured and carried huge axes. George’s eyes widened hopefully.

 

“Now that’s more like it!”

 

She raced down to meet them. “Excuse me, but, who are you?”

 

The dwarf in charge turned to meet her. “I am Gimli, Son of Gloin. Who are you?”

 

“George…just George. That’s a very big axe.”

 

Gimli’s smile got bigger. “We dwarves are experts in the art of weaponry!” He pointed at the intricate carvings on the head of the axe. “See these? I carved them myself.”

 

“Did you really? I say, that’s impressive!” Then she frowned. “Did you say ‘dwarves’?”

 

“Why of course! We’re here for Lord Elrond’s meeting. Is that why you’re here?”

 

“Er…yes, yes I am. I can’t wait, it’s so boring around here. Everything’s so pretty and dull.”

 

“I know! And they don’t know how to party, either!” He leaned close, a wicked gleam in his eye. “That will change now we’re here. We always travel with our own homebrew, and we know how to have a good time!”

 

“Homebrew? What’s that?”

 

Gimli looked taken aback. “You don’t know what homebrew is? Well, we'll see to that!”

 

George followed them as they were led to their rooms. At least they looked like they might be fun to hang around with.

 

 

Meanwhile, Merry, Pippin and Dick were enjoying a bath together.

 

“So where’s your friend, what’s his name?” asked Merry.

 

“Julian? Oh, he’s off following that Ranger about, I expect.” Dick splashed happily in the water. “I might start taking baths every day!” he exclaimed. “If they’re bubble baths, that is.”

 

“Great fun, isn’t it?” grinned Pip. “And so much better when you’ve got company.”

 

He gave Merry a wink, and a mischievous smile crept across Merry’s face. “That it is, Pip,” he grinned. “I like having something to play with in the bath.”

 

“Games, you mean?” asked Dick, wide eyed. “Oh yes, let’s! It will be ever so much fun with three of us!”

 

“Well then,” grinned Merry, clapping his hands together. “What about ‘Who’s Got the Soap’?”

 

Pippin rolled his eyes. “We played that one last time. You’ve always got the soap.”

 

Merry held up his soap on a rope, which was carrot-shaped, and grinned again. “That I have.”

 

“We could always play ‘The Master and the Milkmaid’. Or the game we learnt off Sam and Frodo.”

 

“What’s that?” asked Dick curiously. “‘Who’s Got the Soap?’ is the only bath game I know. Well, it’s the only one we learnt at boarding school.”

 

“Well the game we learnt off Sam and Frodo is called ‘Teaching Mr Frodo About Plowing’.”

 

Dick frowned. “Doesn’t sound like much fun.”

 

“Oh believe me, it is!” nodded Merry. “Lots of fun, right Pip?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

“Okay,” grinned Dick. “I’m game!”

 

Pippin moved around behind Dick and his hands disappeared under the water. Merry watched as the expression on Dick’s face changed from puzzlement, to shock, to sheer pleasure.

 

“Oh I say,” Dick moaned softly. “I’ll give you three hours to stop...”

 

 

End Chapter Three.

 

Kinkyhobbit/Kevswitchau 2002

 

Chapter 4

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