The Famous Five and the Mystery of Moria

Chapter Four

 

 

Author:  Kinkyhobbit and Kevswitchau 6/02

Genre:  AU, Humour, LOTR/Famous Five crossover

Rating:  PG-13

Warning:  Bickering, drinking, lewdness and sausage jokes.

Disclaimer:  We take no responsibility for the characters, but full responsibility for their circumstances.

Summary:  The council meeting and the formation of the Fellowship.

 

 

Elrond sighed. The Council meeting was not going well.

 

He had been very optimistic at the beginning. It was just himself, Gandalf, Aragorn and the hobbits. Then everyone else arrived and it had been downhill from there. The elves and dwarves were bickering with each other, the men were bickering with the elves and dwarves, and nobody seemed to want to actually listen.

 

To make matters worse Arwen was absolutely refusing to leave, insisting that she had a part to play and she would play it if it killed her. After a heated argument Elrond had ordered her to leave the Council area. Arwen sat nearby shouting insults and demanding her dress back, to no avail.

 

Julian was sitting just behind Aragorn. He had been following the Ranger around ever since they arrived in Rivendell. Aragorn had been irritated at first, but didn’t seem to mind so much now that Julian had actually stopped talking all the time.

 

George was seated with the dwarves. Despite Elrond’s explicit instructions, they had clearly been drinking prior to the meeting and were still doing so. They had already come close to a fist fight with the elf Figwit after Gimli overheard him say beards were dreary and unfashionable. Luckily several of the men had intervened to calm them down. Things were now fairly subdued, but they wouldn’t remain that way for long.

 

Anne was sitting behind the elves, her eyes fixed on Legolas. Poor Legolas was trying desperately hard not to blush, and was so flattered by the attention he didn’t even mind her playing with his hair.

 

Snip.

 

Much.

 

He whirled, eyes narrow. “What did you just do?”

 

Anne smiled innocently, holding up a tiny bit of his hair. “Split ends, sir. We really can’t be having that.”

 

Legolas scowled at the piece of hair, then turned back to face the meeting as Elrond stood to speak.

 

“Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You are summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.”

 

A stunned silence descended on the council.

 

“You said it was a party!” shouted a dwarf indignantly.

 

Elrond ignored him. “Middle-Earth stands on the brink of destruction. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.”

 

“You liar! You said you were having a party and would we like to come!”

 

Elrond looked quickly at an elf standing well behind the council. The elf stepped forward and tapped the dwarf sharply on the head with his own axe handle, knocking him unconscious. Elrond smiled and nodded approvingly.

 

“What’s he on about?” whispered George to Julian.

 

Julian shook his head. “Blowed if I know.”

 

Boromir’s head snapped around. “What was that?”

 

“Er, nothing.”

 

Boromir eyed him suspiciously, then turned his attention back to the meeting.

 

Meanwhile, Sam, Dick, Merry and Pippin arrived and crouched behind a pillar not far from Arwen, watching intently.

 

“I say,” whispered Dick. “Who’s that fellow with the enormous horn?”

 

Merry shook his head. “I don’t know. Pretty impressive really, though, isn’t it? What do you think Pip?”

 

Pippin was staring at Boromir’s horn, entranced.

 

“Pip?”

 

Pippin licked his lips, still staring.

 

“Pippin!”

 

“What?” he looked at Merry, confused.

 

Merry just scowled at him. “You were staring at that man’s horn, weren’t you?”

 

“No,” replied Pippin defensively. “No…yes I was.”

 

“Yes, you were,” nodded Merry.

 

“Shut up, you two!” hissed Sam.

 

Elrond turned to face Frodo. “Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.”

 

Frodo stood and placed the ring on the stone in the centre of the council. A murmur raced through the assembled group.

 

“So it is true…”

 

“The Ring of power…”

 

“The doom of man…”

 

“And woman!” yelled Arwen. Elrond flicked her a glare.

 

Anne had moved on to another elf, carefully snipping his split ends and adjusting his plaits, eliciting a smile for her efforts.

 

Boromir shook his head with a smile. “It is a gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring?”

 

Timmy whimpered at Aragorn’s feet, and Aragorn nodded knowingly at him.

 

“Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy,” continued Boromir. “Let us use it against him.”

 

“You cannot wield it,” stated Aragorn simply. “The ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other Master.”

 

Timmy barked a “hear! hear!” and put his head back down onto his paws.

 

“And what would a mere ranger know of this matter?” sneered Boromir.

 

Legolas leapt to his feet. “This is no mere ranger! This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.”

 

“Hurrah!” said Julian. Booing and hissing was heard coming from behind a pillar just outside the council area.

 

Boromir huffed condescendingly at Aragorn. “This is Isildur’s heir?”

 

“And heir to the throne of Gondor,” added Legolas.

 

Boromir sat down sulkily. “Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king.”

 

A muffled “hurrah!” was heard from behind the same pillar.

 

“Look into that, Figwit, will you please,” said Elrond.

 

Legolas sat down, still fuming. “I’ve a good mind to shove that Horn of Gondor right up his Gap of Rohan,” he muttered.

 

“We have to destroy it!” came Arwen’s shout from outside the council area.

 

Elrond sighed. “We have but one choice. The Ring must be destroyed.”

 

“I just said that!” shouted Arwen.

 

“Well what are we waiting for!” said Gimli, leaping to his feet and smashing his axe down onto the Ring.

 

He fell back to the ground, his axe broken, the Ring still intact.

 

“Ah, I was going to mention that,” smiled Elrond. “It can only be destroyed by being hurled into the fires of Mount Doom.”

 

“Oh brilliant,” muttered one of the men. “Who makes these things, anyway?”

 

“It must be taken deep into Mordor,” continued Elrond. “Only there can it be unmade. One of you must do this.”

 

There was silence.

 

“Why can’t you do it?” asked one of the dwarves.

 

Elrond was momentarily taken aback. “Er, well, er because…bit of trouble with my knee, actually. Old battle injury. Just not up to it.”

 

“Wimp!” yelled Arwen.

 

“Still troubling you, eh?” scowled one of the men suspiciously.

 

Elrond locked eyes with him, daring him to say more. “Yes. Actually.”

 

“One does not simply walk into Mordor,” said Boromir. “One, in fact, would have to be just this side of totally mad to contemplate it. In fact, one would have to be really not one’s self at all, considering the orcs, the all-pervading evil, the flaming eyes and such that one will encounter, and…”

 

“Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?” snapped Legolas, leaping to his feet again. “The Ring must be destroyed!”

 

“Oh, and I suppose you think you’re the one to do it, nancy elf?” bellowed Gimli.

 

And then it was on. Elrond just shook his head as the meeting erupted with hurled insults and barely contained aggression. He just knew they should have made sure there were enough scones to go around at morning tea. There never seemed to be this sort of problem if there were enough scones.

 

Tempers grew fiercer and the Ring blazed in the centre of the group, both feeding off and feeding their anger. Frodo slumped in his chair, sweating, the Ring calling louder than ever to him. Finally he’d had enough.

 

“I will take it,” he said, jumping up. “I will take it.”

 

Silence gradually returned.

 

“I will take it, although…I do not know the way.”

 

The rest of the council looked at each other.

 

“Well,” said one of the men. “You head out to the south and when you reach the river, follow it to your…left, yes, your left-”

 

“No, that’s not right!” interrupted one of the elves. “Head more south-east and link up with the river further on…I think…”

 

“No, no,” said another. “East is the best option first. Head east until you reach the forest of…what’s that forest called?”

 

“I still think south is the way to go,” suggested the first man again. “South-east is too mountainous.”

 

“What about east?”

 

“Too much snow, it’s too cold. Look at his little feet, they’ll freeze.”

 

“I know the way,” said Gandalf finally, raising his voice to silence the group. He turned to Frodo and smiled. “And I will help you bear this burden, as long as it is yours to bear.”

 

“Promise?” asked Frodo. “You won’t take off to visit one of your strange wizard friends again?”

 

Gandalf shook his head just as Aragorn strode across to Frodo and knelt in front of him.

 

“You have my sword,” he said.

 

“But you’ve already given me one…”

 

“And my bow,” offered Legolas.

 

“Oh, well, I don’t know how to use one of those…”

 

“And my axe,” said Gimli determinedly, glancing at Legolas.

 

“Now really, I couldn’t…”

 

“And my horse!” yelled Arwen.

 

“Oh! Yes, a horse, that would be good…”

 

Boromir stood. “You carry the fate of us all, little one. If this is truly the will of the council, Gondor will see it done.”

 

“Do you have a horse?” asked Frodo hopefully.

 

“What? Er, no…not that I’ll be bringing with me…”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I have a horse!” yelled Arwen again. “You can have mine!”

 

Frodo looked at Elrond and pointed hopefully at Arwen to indicate his interest in her offer. Elrond ignored it just as Sam rushed into the clearing.

 

“Mr Frodo’s not going anywhere without me!”

 

“No, well the two of you seem to be a matching pair,” smiled Elrond, his smile turning to a scowl as Merry, Pippin and Dick charged in to stand beside Frodo and Sam.

 

“We’re coming too!”

 

“Hurrah!”

 

Elrond looked thoughtful. “Now the most important part…a name.”

 

“The Working Party for the Ring?” suggested an elf hopefully.

 

Elrond nodded, then noticed Anne had her hand raised. “Yes Anne?”

 

“Um, Queen Elrond…sir…Working Party doesn’t really convey the importance of the quest.”

 

“I know,” said one of the dwarves. “The Ring Team.”

 

Everyone else turned up their noses at him. He sat down scowling.

 

“Allright,” mused Elrond. “The Project Group of the Ring…yes, Julian?”

 

“Well they’re not really a project group, are they? Unless you classify saving the known world as a project.”

 

“Oh, I see…”

 

“The Committee of the Free Peoples,” said one of the men of Gondor.

 

Elrond wrinkled his nose and wavered a hand in the air. “Too…wordy.”

 

“How about the Focus Group for Freedom?” asked another elf.

 

“Wanky,” muttered another.

 

“Hmm…the Brotherhood of the Ring?” offered one of the men.

 

“Sisterhood of the Ring!” shouted Arwen with a giggle, enjoying herself.

 

Elrond said nothing.

 

“Oh do hurry up, there’s a good fellow,” said Dick. “We need to ship out in the morning.”

 

“Wait a minute, Dick you’re a genius!” exclaimed Julian. “Fellow…ship…fellowship!”

 

Elrond smiled and nodded approvingly. “Very well. You shall be known as the Fellowship of the Ring.”

 

“Hurrah!” shouted the children excitedly.

 

“Rubbish!” shouted Arwen, ducking as an elf tossed an arrow at her.

 

They moved off to prepare for their journey. The next day, the quest would begin.

 

 

Frodo was woken by Sam nibbling his nose. He opened his eyes and Sam grinned at him.

 

“I was wondering if Mr Frodo would like some breakfast?”

 

Frodo smiled. “Ooh, yes, that would be lovely.”

 

“Well, I was thinking mostly whether Mr Frodo fancied a bit of…breakfast sausage, perhaps?”

 

“Oh…I think I do! Is there any about?”

 

“I’ve got one that’s especially for you.”

 

“Do you really? That’s very sweet of you, Sam.”

 

“My pleasure, Mr Frodo,” replied Sam with a wicked grin. “I’ve had a terrible time keeping Merry and Pippin away from it, as I wanted to save it for you. But they’re playing with Dick now and I think that’s keeping them busy.”

 

“Poor Dick will be worn out.”

 

“Oh, he always manages to find a little something extra when needed-”

 

Frodo grabbed him and threw him onto his back, climbing on top of him.

 

“-so I hear…” finished Sam, eyes wide, a smile on his face.

 

Frodo put on his sternest face, blue eyes boring into Sam’s. “Where’s this sausage?” He demanded, wriggling. “Oh wait…found it!”

 

 

“Where’s Sam and Frodo?” asked Merry with a frown. “They know we have to get going straight after breakfast.”

 

“Perhaps they’re having breakfast in bed,” grinned Pippin.

 

“Perhaps we should go and see,” winked Merry in response.

 

They crept up outside the room where Frodo and Sam had been sleeping. Merry was just about to push the door open when they heard a shout from inside.

 

“Onward, Samwise! We must get to Mordor!”

 

They opened the door and gaped at the sight of a naked Sam on his hands and knees, with a naked Frodo astride him. Sam and Frodo froze and stared back at them.

 

“Wha…uh…whe…” said Merry, trying to work out what to ask first.

 

“We’re playing a game!” grinned Sam.

 

“So we see,” nodded Pippin, smiling.

 

“It’s called-”

 

“Never mind about that, Sam,” said Frodo, patting his head. “I suppose we better get ready.”

 

“Well we were just checking to see if you were, uh…up,” said Merry. “And I see you are.”

 

“Well, plenty of time!” said Pippin enthusiastically. “We could join you.”

 

“No,” said Frodo a little too quickly. “No, no, that’s…we’ll get dressed now.”

 

“I see,” frowned Merry. “Room for only one rider on that pony, eh Frodo?”

 

“Yes, that’s right.”

 

Sam stood, blushing. Merry and Pippin exchanged grins.

 

“We’ll just wait outside,” said Merry.

 

 

After a hearty breakfast that included plenty of sausage for everyone, the Fellowship set out. The children watched them depart, upset and angry they were not allowed to follow.

 

“I think it’s horrid!” said Anne. “I’ve a good mind to go and mess up his bathroom.”

 

“After all the trouble you went to cleaning it!” said Dick shaking his head. “Oh, I’m going to miss Merry and Pippin! They were so much fun.”

 

“Don’t worry Dick, you could probably use a rest,” grinned Julian.

 

They laughed and George winced. “Steady on you lot, my head hurts terribly!”

 

“That’s what you get for drinking all that beer!” scolded Anne. “How could you, George? Aunt Fanny will be ever so cross, you’ll be grounded forever!”

 

“Yes, I agree with Anne,” frowned Julian. “It was most irresponsible, George.”

 

“At least I wasn’t trying to shag that Strider character,” she replied, then turned to look squarely at Dick. “And I wasn’t chasing that Boromir fellow either.”

 

“He’s the Steward of Gondor, you know,” said Dick defensively. “He’s in a position to know a great deal about what’s going on. I was just trying to get information.”

 

“And you needed Merry and Pippin’s help to do that?”

 

“Yes, of course.”

 

“And what about all that honey?”

 

Dick faltered and blushed furiously. “Well…well at least I didn’t throw up in Lady Arwen’s garden!” he blurted.

 

“Don’t try to change the subject.”

 

“Steady on, you two,” chided Julian. “We’re not getting anywhere like this. You heard Lord Elrond, he’s happy for us to stay a few days, but then he wants us to go home. Well, I think we should tell him we’re staying and then sneak off and follow the rest of the Fellowship. By the time he realises it will be too late.”

 

“You’re so clever, Ju,” said Anne.

 

“Right, well I vote we do it straight away,” said George. “While Julian goes to speak to Elrond, we go and get our things and meet in the same spot the Fellowship set off from. They’re not too far ahead and we’ll catch up in no time!”

 

“Hurrah!”

 

End Chapter Four.

 

Kinkyhobbit/Kevswitchau 2002

 

Chapter 5

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