The Chronicles of Michelle
Last Updated 7/2/04

Pictured above: "Michelle"

Available Chapters:
Chapter 16 ~ In Which Michelle Visits The Vos Designer Outlet
Chapter 17 ~ In Which Gamache Joins The Mafia
Chapter 18 ~ In Which Michelle Is Saved By An Apparent K-Mart Shopper
Chapter 19 ~ In Which The Toilet Goddess Offers More Advice
Chapter 20 ~ In Which Michelle Is Run Over By Cristie The Trucker
Chapter 21 ~ In Which The Fairy Princess From He// Appears
Chapter 22 ~ In Which All He// Breaks Loose

Chapter 16
In Which Michelle Visits The Vos Designer Outlet

"Here we are!" Gretel announced in a cheerful voice as she, Michelle, Celeste, and the cat arrived in front of the mall. Michelle didn't have time to stare at it and drool, because Gretel grabbed her by the arm and dragged her through the doors.

"Dude, ribbit!" Celeste cried as the door nearly slammed on her. Gretel's soulmate snickered.

"Where are we going?" Michelle demanded.

"Well," Gretel began, "since we probably won't have much luck searching for your froggy friend's long lost love, I figure we should just let him come to us. And while we're waiting, we can shop!"

"But... but I don't have any money," Michelle said quietly.

"Don't worry about it!" Gretel cried in a carefree voice. "I say we start with the underclothes."

Before Michelle could protest, Gretel had dragged her into the Vos Designer Outlet. There were a variety of thongs strewn carelessly about the store, as well as some other curiosities. Michelle noticed white briefs that said 'Hanes His Way' on the top elastic band, but had 'Vos' written on the bottom with a black marker. There was also a sign announcing that used, green and brown splotched thongs were on sale for only $199.99 each. Other garments included the bra and thong unmatching set, and the 'chain thong with bits of glass woven between.'

"Oh, how cute!" Gretel said as she held up a thong the size of a peanut. Michelle also picked up a thong, but it about the size of Texas.

What the He// am I doing here?! she thought to herself. I hate Vos, and I hate thongs!

Gretel was suddenly distracted by her soulmate, who was trying on the chain thong and the orthopedic underwear at the same time, and had gotten them stuck together.

"Look with your eyes, not with your @ss!" she scolded it.

"Can we go to another store yet?" Michelle complained. "I really want to get something from Abercrombie or American Eagle!"

Gretel snatched a big thong with a giant yellow duck on the bottom. "This should do," she muttered to herself. After paying, she dragged Michelle into Abercrombie.

"Oh my God!" Michelle cried. "These clothes are so tiny! Why do all the girls wear these tiny shirts?! Not even a frog would fit in them!"

"Dude, ribbit!" yelled Celeste. "I'm not interested in the shirts. I'm interested in those bell-bottoms over there!" She pointed to a rack of bell-bottoms with really big bottoms.

Michelle rolled her eyes. "Let's look elsewhere," she suggested, but inwardly she was worried. I'm going to be stuck wearing this sawong for the rest of my life, and it already needs to be washed because I crapped in it...

Chapter 17
In Which Gamache Joins The Mafia

Michelle, Gretel, Celeste, and the cheshire cat were all ready to leave the store when they heard a voice screaming.

"These sh!tty clothes are too d@mn expensive!" yelled a girl that looked oddly familiar. "I ought to burn down these stores!"

Hey, thought Michelle, that's Alex!

Just then, Alex reached into her shopping bag and pulled out a match and gasoline.

"Let's get out of here!" Gretel yelled. "She's serious about burning this place to the ground!" She grabbed Michelle's arm and her soulmate's @ss, then ran for the exit.

"Dude, ribbit, wait for me!" cried Celeste as she hopped after them.

Just as Michelle and her friends ran out of the mall's doors, they heard an explosion. They turned around just in time to see the mall erupt in flames. Hundreds of people were running around, screaming and waving their hands in the air. A few seconds later, Alex ran out.

"Hehehe! I love being evil! It rocks!" she shouted. "I am a little devil! Hehehehehe! Wait till Charlie hears about this! I wonder if Danielle was in that mall?" And with that, she ran off to find Charlie.

Michelle felt a breeze. She looked down to see that her sawong had fallen off in the excitement, and perverted Ivan Banov was now quite excited as well. She kicked him in the face and walked off. Unfortunately, she walked right into a pole.

"D@mmit!" she growled. "Gretel, Celeste, come on! Let's get out of here before Ivan gets any ideas!"

After walking for a while, they came to the bad part of town. As they were walking along the sidewalk, they suddenly heard shouts. They turned to see a man dressed in a zoot suit. He looked suspiciously like Mr. Gamache.

"Come on, people!" he was saying. "I need to get money to buy another car, and the only way to do it is illegal. Come on, come on..."

"What in the He// are you doing, Mr. Gamache?!" Michelle cried. "If the school finds out about this, they'll cut your paycheck even lower than it already is!"

Gamache glared at her. "I am not Mr. Gamache. I am GAMAFIA!! Muhahaha!!!"

"Dude, ribbit!" croaked Celeste. "It doesn't matter what your name is. We're turning you in! Not only is what you're doing illegal, you also draw like crap!"

Gamafia laughed as he pulled a knife out of his pocket. "Oh yeah? We'll see about that..."

Chapter 18
In Which Michelle Is Saved By An Apparent K-Mart Shopper

Gamache lunged for Celeste. She hopped out of the way and he splatted on the ground.

"Help!" he cried. "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"Serves you right!" Michelle growled. She kicked Gamache, but he caught her foot and twisted it. She fell to the ground.

"Hold it right there!" came a voice from behind them. They all turned to see a boy with red hair. He wore only a K-Mart shopping bag.

"Who are you?" Gretel demanded suspiciously.

"Dude! Ribbit! Jeremy!" cried Celeste. She hopped up onto his shoulder.

"Celeste? Is that you?" he asked. "Did Harry Potter turn you into a frog again?!"

"Hey! A little help here!" cried Michelle, who was trying to keep Gamache from slicing her throat with the knife.

"Oh, sorry," said Jeremy. He karate-chopped Gamache and he fell unconscious.

Michelle breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thanks, Jeremy!" she said.

Celeste glared at her. "Dude, ribbit! Watch it! He's mine!" She turned to Jeremy. "Come on, we need to get to Hogwarts so that blasted little wizard can change me back! If we're lucky, he'll transport us to the set of the next Lord of the Rings!"

Jeremy the bagman and the frog both walked off into the sunset.

"Oooh," cooed Gretel. "How cute." She turned around and noticed for the first time that Michelle was once again wearing only her underwear. "Oh, yuck!" She spun around again and saw her soulmate. She glared at it, unsure as to whether or not it was cute or ugly.

Michelle sighed. "Well, what now?"

Gretel scratched her soulmate's @ss thoughtfully. "I'm not sure. Now that the frog has found her lost love, our only real priority is to get you something to wear over those ugly... hey, wait a minute! How come you're not wearing the thong I bought you?!" Gretel demanded angrilly.

"Hey, give me a break! I haven't exactly had time to change!" Michelle protested. She looked around. "Uh... where's the shopping bag?"

Gretel looked around too. "Oh no!" she cried. "It's gone, and I think I know where it went!"

Michelle stared at Gamache suspiciously.

"Not him!" Gretel hissed. "I think that bagman character might have stolen it!"

"But why would he want to wear a thong?" Michelle wondered. "Even a K-Mart bag is better than a thong."

Gretel frowned. "But it was a designer thong, and it's always better to wear designer clothes than K-Mart or Wal-Mart clothes. However, I don't think he stole the shopping bag because of your thong. I think he might have stolen it just because it was inside a Vos Designer Brand shopping bag..."

Chapter 19
In Which The Toilet Goddess Offers More Advice

"Who cares?!" Michelle yelled. "It was just a thong, and I don't even like thongs! Even that sawong was better than wearing a thong!"

Gretel looked hurt. "I spent two hundred dollars on that used thong for you, and you don't even appreciate it! What a b!tch!" She grabbed her soulmate's @ss and turned to leave. "I'm going to find it myself. You can just stay here by yourself!"

Before Michelle could reply, Gretel stalked off. Michelle sat down on the curb.

Why do I always have to screw everything up? she wondered. Why can't I do something right, just once?!

Just then, the toilet goddess appeared out of thin air. "Don't ever give up, Michelle," she said. "I always wanted to be elected the next toilet queen, but I could never get enough votes. But I kept at it. One day, I finally got the majority of the votes. I was so happy, but..."

"But?" Michelle pressed.

"But then some b@stard named Al Gore made the whole bathroom have a re-election, and he won by one vote! He became the next toilet queen."

"I don't see any point to this," Michelle grumbled. "Did you ever become the toilet queen? No. So how can you sit and tell me to keep trying?!"

The toilet goddess smiled. "I wasn't finished. One night I snuck into the White Toilet and flushed Gore down the toilet. He now goes to an anti-political school of goldfish. But anyways, my hard work payed off. The next day I saw a burning Bush. Now, I'm not religious or anything, but I saw one nonetheless. It spoke to me, and it said it was eternally grateful that I had gotten rid of his political rival, and made me the toilet goddess I am today."

"So you wanted to be a queen, and ended up being a goddess?!" Michelle cried. "Sweet! But... you knew what you wanted to do with your life, and I don't..."

The toilet goddess placed a hand on her shoulder. "Michelle, you're like a son to me. I want to see you succeed..."

A son?! Michelle thought angrilly. I don't look THAT much like a boy! But she said, "Really? You really mean it?"

The toilet goddess shrugged. "Well, no, but it's my job."

"Oh," Michelle said sadly.

"So anyways, whenever you feel alone, just remember that the toilet queens of the past will always be there to guide you... and so will I." And with that, the toilet goddess disappeared into thin air again.

Michelle sighed. I'd better get going, she thought. Even if I don't know where to, I'd better go somewhere.

She stepped out into the middle of the street, but suddenly she heard the sound of a horn honking. She turned to see a truck was headed right for her!

This is it, she thought. I can jump out of the way and continue on, or I can end my life right here...

Chapter 20
In Which Michelle Is Run Over By Cristie The Trucker

Michelle took a deep breath. The world WOULD be a better place without me... She closed her eyes and waited for the impact of the truck.

The truck driver saw Michelle squatting in the middle of the road with no pants on and tried to swerve out of the way, but the corner of the truck hit Michelle and she went rolling down the street.

"AAAAHHH!!!" she screamed. She didn't stop until she had flattened two mail boxes, a car, a trash can, and a passing bus. In fact, if it hadn't been for the thorn bush, she might have kept on rolling until she fell off the face of the earth.

The truck driver climbed out of the truck. "What the He// are you doing trying to take a crap in the middle of the road?!" she yelled. "Only dogs do that, and only when there aren't any nice gardens around!" The trucker gestured to a nice garden on the lawn of a house belonging to Ivan Banov. They knew it was his because he was out tending to the flowers himself.

Slowly, Michelle stood up. "You idiot! I wasn't trying to take a crap, I was trying to commit suici--"

"Then what the He// were you doing with no pants on?!" the trucker retorted.

Michelle sighed. "It's a long story, and it involves a goat, a frog, and Antarctica."

The trucker scratched her head. "Oh, I get it, you've just escaped from the loony bin! Me too! I'm Cristie the trucker, and I just got a forged trucker ID. Inside this here truck, I'm smuggling illegal immigrants from Bednarowski, Pennsylvania, and bringing them to Texas. Want to come along?"

Michelle was so surprised that she almost did take a crap in the middle of the road. "O-okay," she stuttered. "I've always wanted to go to Texas... although I always imagined going there riding on someone's back, or on a motorcycle..."

She climbed up into the truck with Cristie, and they began to drive off.

Suddenly, the truck began to swerve back and forth.

"What are you doing?!" Michelle yelled. "Don't you know how to drive?!"

"Not really..." Cristie admitted.

"Watch out!" Michelle yelled as a chicken with the head of Ms. Vos ran across the road. She didn't make it to the other side, or to the McDonalds on the other side of the road. Fortunately, her death wish was fufilled when a McDonalds employee came out to use her battered body in the chicken nuggets.

"D@mmit," Cristie yelled. "That's the third one today!"

"How many chickens with the head of Vos are in this town?!" Michelle cried.

"No, no, I mean it was the third thing I hit. You were the second. The first one was a strange little creature wearing a bag from Abercrombie and Fitch. It was being chased by a lady with a giant thong, a frog, and that Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland."

Michelle frowned. For some reason, that group sounded familiar to her, but she couldn't remember what from.

Suddenly, a chicken with the @ss of Vos ran across the road.

"Whoa Momma, look at the size of that thong!" Cristie pointed out. Unfortunately, she took her hands off the steering wheel and lost control of the truck. It spun out of control and swerved off the road. Michelle looked up just in time to see a giant Ronald McDonald statue before she heard a crash and everything went black...

Chapter 21
In Which The Fairy Princess From He// Appears

Slowly, Michelle opened her eyes. Much to her surprise, instead of seeing Cristie the trucker, she saw an evil-looking yet cute imp-like creature.

"W-who are you?" she stuttered.

The creature grinned. "I'm the fairy princess from He//," she announced cheerfully.

Michelle felt a knot of fear tighten in her stomach. "He//? Am I... dead?"

The fairy princess from He// giggled. "Hehe... maybe. But since the residents of He// are all very sophisticated, you have to pass the entrance exam first."

Michelle frowned. She hadn't known He// had an entrance exam. Suddenly, something ocurred to her. If I fail the entrance exam, maybe I won't have to go to He//..

"Um, excuse me," she said cautiously, "what happens if I fail? I mean, I won't be thrown in a fiery pit of lava or anything, will I?"

The fairy princess from He// giggled again. "If you have the misfortune of failing... you'll be kicked out of He// and into Heaven, where all those happy gay people who are always smiling live. I'm sure you've heard of them; they run around singing church hymns all day. And since it's always bright in Heaven, they can never fall asleep at night. Eventually, they all become very cranky from lack of sleep. Then they're not so happy anymore."

Michelle thought for a moment. She'd always thought Heaven was a better option than He//, but now she wasn't so sure. What if Heaven was just like church? And all those sleep-deprived people sounded like Gretel before she had her morning coffee.

I know... I'll just take the entrance exam normally, and see where I end up! she thought happilly.

The fairy princess from He// handed her a piece of paper and Michelle immediately began to fill it out.Let's see," she said aloud. "One plus one? That's easy! It's three!" She wrote down the answer and moved onto the next one. "What's a necromancer? Isn't that someone who uses dark magic to bring someone back from the dead? Or is it a neck-romancer, one of those people who sucks on your neck? Wait, that's a vampire..."

Michelle frowned. The test had suddenly become much harder. After much thought and careful consideration, she decided to leave it blank.

"Now for the final question," she read. "How do you spell 'Devil?'" She thought for a moment. Even though it was written right there on the paper, she wasn't sure if it was right. Finally, she wrote 'Da Ville.'

When she was finished, she gave it to the fairy princess, who flew off to bring it to be corrected.

For the next few minutes, Michelle wandered around. She saw Tit-head, the hairy creature, and Adolf Hitler from the movie Little Nicky. Suddenly, a voice came over the loudspeaker.

"The results of the test taken by the newest arrival are... hey, wait a minute, there's no name on this paper!"

Michelle cursed under her breath. How could she have forgotten to put her name?! Now she'd never know the answer!

"MICHELLE!!!" she screamed. "My name is Michelle! It's Michelle..."

Chapter 22
In Which All He// Breaks Loose

"My name is Michelle!" Michelle shrieked as she sat up from the curb next to a McDonald's to find herself face-to-face with Cristie, Gretel, and what appeared to be the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

"Brilliant, smart one," Gretel said sarcastically. "However, we already knew that. Are you okay?"

"Yeah... I guess," Michelle mumbled as she looked around. "I thought I was dead, though..."

"So did I!" Cristie agreed. She suddenly threw her arms around Michelle and kissed her passionately. "And I never got the chance to tell you I loved you!"

The Cheshire cat, who was in reality Gretel's soulmate, made a loud honking sound deep in its throat and rolled its eyes. "I hear you," Gretel muttered.

"Hey, get off!" Michelle protested as she pushed Cristie away. "I only date birds and dogs!"

"Great, you can be my b!tch!" Cristie cried enthusiastically.

Just then, a Benz drove by. Michelle barely had time to note that Puma and Betsy were sitting in the back of it because just then, the front window rolled down and Hitler stuck his funny-mustached face out and flicked them all off before speeding away. Puma and Betsy's snickering lingered for a few seconds.

"Bloody he//! Was that just Hitler?!" Michelle cried. "Didn't he off himself years ago?!"

"Haven't you heard?" Gretel's soulmate said as he turned around and mooned Michelle. He had tatooed the latest newspaper headlines to his @ss. "Some idiot tried to get into he// but forgot to put their name on the application. Now he// is broken, the fire gates are frozen, and everyone who was there is running around on earth."

"That's sooooo Little Nicky!" remarked Cristie.

Gretel sighed heavily. "And that means all the necromancers will be going out of business. Not that I'm one of them, mind you, but I do know a friend of a friend..."

"Necromancers?" Michelle repeated blankly.

"Yeah," said Gretel. "People who raise the dead. What did you think it meant, vampires who suck on peoples' necks?"

Gretel's soulmate grinned. Gretel noticed its grinning and promptly slapped its @ss. "I know what you're thinking, but you shouldn't think such things about Puma. She can't help what evil habits run in her family..."

Just then, a random passerby ran up to them. "Have you heard the news? Residents of Heaven have heard of the great He//-escape, and are going on strike until they get let out, too. And believe me, it's bad enough with all the bad people running around earth--a few millenia-worth of churchgoers would totally ruin the sinful ways we've worked so hard to create here in the USA!!!" And with that, the passerby ran off.

This is all my fault, thought Michelle. If only I'd remembered to put my name on my paper...

"Hey," remarked Gretel's soulmate, "that wasn't a random passerby--it was George Dubya!"

"I should've run him over when I had the chance," Cristie muttered under her breath.

"This is all my fault!" Michelle blurted out. "What are we going to do? Earth has gone to he//, and if we don't do something, Heaven is going to come, too!"

"Hey, calm down, keep your pants on," Cristie began, but suddenly stopped and glanced at Michelle's underwear. "Er... I mean..."

"First things first," Gretel said, taking charge like the guardian-personality-type she was. "If you're going to combat the supernatural, you're going to need the proper attire."

Michelle groaned. I have a bad feeling about this...

Part 1 | Part 2 | Cast of Characters
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