At long last, school was over for the day. Michelle got onto the bus and sat down in the back of the bus next to a short, bald man, a bearded man, and a bike man.
"Hello," she said, trying to strike up a conversation. "I'm Michelle. Who are you guys?"
"My name is Fro," said the bald man. "I'm a band director."
"I'm Mr. Hilden," said the bearded man.
"I'm Eric," said the bike man.
They seem like nice enough people, Michelle thought to herself. Suddenly, she got that feeling in her tummy that warned of imminent danger. Her German teacher, Herr Moo, had said, "Wann mann muss, mann muss." In other words... when you gotta go, you gotta go.
"Hey, bus driver!" Michelle called up. "Can we stop at the next rest area? I really have to take a crap!"
"Oookay... thanks for sharing," Eric the bike man said sarcastically. "Anything else we need to know?"
"You're just going to have to hold it," the bus driver called from the front of the bus.
"What a rude child," Fro whispered to Mr. Hilden. Michelle glared at them and tried to keep her temper, for fear she lost control of herself on the bus. She tried to think of Tobias, but it wasn't helping.
"Hey, bus driver!" Michelle called up again. "Can we just stop at a gas station or something? I really gotta take a crap!"
"Sorry, but you'll just have to hold it!" he replied.
By this time, Fro, Mr. Hilden, and Eric had all moved farther down the bus and were looking at her the way one might look at a piece of gum stuck to their shoe.
Michelle ignored them and tried once more to take her mind off of the fact that she had to go, but not even thoughts of Spike and Angel with no clothes on could distract her, partially because they were dogs and didn't wear clothes in the first place.
"Hey! Can we just pull over at the side of the road or something?" Michelle shouted out. The whole bus had now turned to stare at her, and she felt her cheeks turning bright red.
D@mn it all, she thought to herself. She stood up and rolled down the nearest window, then dropped her pants and took a crap out the window. Just then, she heard a siren.
"Hey you with the chubby cheeks and the fat cigar!" yelled a passing policeman out the door of his patrol car. "Get your head back in the window!"
Michelle was glad when the bus finally pulled up in front of her house. She ran up the driveway and slammed into something hard.
"Michelle, did you hit the sliding glass door again?" her mother called from inside the house. Michelle just rolled her eyes and opened the door. A few seconds later, her mother came into view.
"There you are. Michelle, go feed the dogs. I'm going to go work at the church and slave my life away. Make some macaroni and cheese for supper, and don't talk on the phone!"
Michelle sighed. Parents... how could they possibly be worse? Little did she know that they could be much, much worse...
Chapter 6
In Which Michelle Meets Alex And Buddy
It looks like a fine day for a walk, Michelle thought as she woke up and looked out the window. Of course, Michelle walked everywhere because her mom didn't drive, but the nice weather looked so inviting after the winter months. Eagerly, she ran outside and began her walk immediately. She had no need to eat breakfast, since she was annorexic and didn't eat much of anything.
As she was walking down the street, Michelle realized that she had forgotten to change out of her pajamas. Even more unfortunate for other people out taking walks, Michelle's 'pajamas' consisted only of boxer shorts. Nothing more.
Suddenly, Michelle heard a barking noise. She spun around just in time to see a golden retriever running for her.
"Rabid dog! Rabid dog! Help!" Michelle cried as she turned to run. The dog jumped on top of her and began to lick her face.
Just then, a girl with blond hair ran up. "Are you okay?" she asked. "I'm really sorry about that. Buddy, leave this little boy alone!"
"I'm a girl," Michelle grumbled as she pushed the dog off of her. "And my name is Michelle."
The girl looked confused. "If you're a girl, why aren't you wearing a shirt-- oh, yuck! Geez!"
"I'm sorry, but I forgot to change out of my pajamas," Michelle informed her. "By the way, what's your name?"
"My name's Alex," the girl said cheerfully. "This is my dog, Buddy. He's really nice. Hey, do you want to come into my house? I can give you some of my brother's clothes to wear for a while!"
"I... uh... really?" Michelle asked. "That's so nice of you! Sure!"
Michelle followed Alex down the road to her house, which was a really nice house with a really nice basement. Michelle wanted to go down into the basement and look around for rats, but she stepped on a skateboard. Without warning, the skateboard started to move forward.
"Ayayaya!" Michelle tried to yell as she bounced down the steps. Buddy ran behind her, barking loudly. Suddenly, the skateboard flew out from under her and she went flying down the rest of the steps. She landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairway.
"Oh my god, for the first time in my life, I've fallen DOWN the stairs instead of UP!" she moaned. "My whole life is turning upside-down!"
"Hey, are you okay?!" Alex called down from up above. "I guess my brother Jake left his skateboard out again..."
Michelle hardly heard her because just then, she noticed who was in the basement. Sitting no more than ten feet away from her were two people, one of whom she recognized from the day before. They were playing cards at a table.
"What is that?" asked the one she didn't recognize.
"I'm not sure," said the bike man from the bus. "But it looks familiar."
Just then, Alex came running down the steps. "Charlie! Eric! What are you two doing here?"
"What does it look like we're doing? We're playing cards," Eric the bike man explained calmly.
The one called Charlie got up and walked over to where Michelle was still sprawled out on the floor and gave her a kick.
"What was that for?" Michelle yelled.
"I hate you," Charlie said simply.
"Charlie, be nice," Alex said cheerfully. "This is Michelle. Michelle, this is my boyfriend, Charlie."
"I know who you are!" the bike man yelled. "You're the girl from the bus who took a crap out the window!"
Buddy the dog barked. As if on cue, he took a crap on the floor.
"Eeeeww!" Alex commented. "Buddy, why did you just do that?! I'm NOT picking that up..."
"I'll do it," Michelle offered, wanting to make up to Alex for being so nice to her. She grabbed the crap and popped it in her mouth.
"Okay, that was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen," Eric said with a very disturbed expression on his face. "That was sick. Just sick."
"Okay, if I throw up, would you eat that, too?" Charlie questioned eagerly.
Michelle realized that she had once again managed to make a fool of herself. She cursed under her breath as she remembered crap wasn't as good tasting as it looked. "I've gotta get going," she mumbled as she headed toward the door. "See you again sometime... maybe," Alex called after her.
I can't believe I just did that, Michelle thought as she walked outside. For a while, she tried to figure what could possibly have caused her to do it, but she couldn't think of anything. After a long walk, she finally decided it must have been the work of the devil...
Chapter 7
In Which Michelle Meets The First Of The Two Almighty FathersMichelle sighed heavily. Although she was a firm believer in the 'Almighty Father,' she absolutely hated going to church. And to make things worse, she would have to walk all the way there because neither she nor her mom knew how to drive.
"And don't forget to put on some nice clothes!" her mother shouted.
Michelle stumbled over to her closet and looked through it. She couldn't afford to buy any nice Abercrombie clothes, but she had quite a selection of Wal-Mart clothes: three shirts, two pairs of pants, and an extra set of underwear. She pulled out the pair of jeans that was least dirty. They only had a few brown muddy spots, so she called them her 'church pants.'
I really have to do laundry one of these days, she thought. But both me and my mother are too lazy to do it...
Half an hour later, Michelle and her mother were sitting in the short little benches at the church.
"Hey Mom, why are they called pews?" Michelle asked.
Her mom shrugged. "Perhaps because so many @sses have sat in them throughout the years, and all those @sses have taken farts..."
Michelle rolled her eyes and looked around. It seemed every lady and every other guy was wearing a dress except her. I hope I'm not insulting the Father in Heaven by dressing like a skag, she thought.
For a while, the priest went on talking about the Father in Heaven and about how Adam and Eve had gotten hungry and followed their dentist's advice to eat apples rather than candy, and about how Lucifer had been cast down from Heaven, and about how the fisherman had caught fish from an empty lake...
Michelle soon found her mind wandering back to Tobias the bird-boy, Spike the Rugrats dog, and Angel from Lady and the Tramp II. It was so hard to decide who was cutest!
Suddenly, Michelle saw a familiar face in the pew in front of her. It was Werner Von Vos, the famous thong designer from the mall! She gasped.
Just then, Vos turned around and noticed her. "Hey, I know you from somewhere," she commented. "Hmmm... but where?"
Michelle shrugged.
Vos scratched her head. "Oh... I know! Wrestled you in high school? No, wait... did you take ballet with me? I was usually in the back because of my weak ankles..."
Michelle shook her head. "I don't think so..." She held her breath and hoped Vos would not remember.
Suddenly, the thong designer frowned. "I know who you are! Sixth grade Family and Consumer Education! You spilled milk in the stir fry!"
Michelle gulped. "No, I don't think that was it either... Wait! I know! You must have met my twin sister!"
"Yes, that was probably it!" Vos agreed. "What was her name?"
"I don't know," Michelle stammered, "but I know she lives in the toilet. She has never come out of there once in her whole life!"
Vos thought for a moment. "Ahh, yes! I think I remember her! Whose toilet was it? I forgot..."
Michelle tried to hold back a snork. "I'm not sure."
Suddenly, a different expression came over the thong designer's face. "Well, I don't care who you are, you should know better than to wear old, Wal-Mart-ish jeans in a church!"
Michelle glared at her. "And what should I wear? A Vos designer brand thong?"
The thong designer's mouth fell open. "I knew it! You're the little brat from the mall!"
Suddenly frightened that Vos was going to do something horrible to her, Michelle jumped up and ran down the aisle of the church. Suddenly, she saw the bike man. He stuck out his foot and she tripped, landing face first in the wine that the priest was preparing. Behind her, she could hear the whole church laughing and shouting at her. She stole a big swig of wine before pulling herself to her feet. Without looking back, she turned and ran out of the church just as the bells began to ring.
As she ran down the road, she had only one thought: My mother is going to kill me...
Chapter 8
In Which Michelle Meets The Toilet Goddess
Michelle walked along the road, not caring where she was going, just as long as she got away from church... and her own life.
"I'm such an idiot," she muttered out loud. "I make a fool of myself everywhere I go..."
Just then, she realized that she had to take a piss. She stopped at the side of the road and was about to undo her pants when a voice startled her.
"Don't you dare piss on those flowers!" Michelle turned around to see a beautiful fairy with long, curly blond hair and blue eyes.
"W-who are you?" she asked, trying not to piss her pants. "Are you my fairy godmother?"
The fairy looked surprised. "Well, no... not exactly. I'm the goddess of all toilets, and I'm here to make sure you use them accordingly."
"Oh... sorry," Michelle said quietly. "I guess I can't do anything right..."
"Maybe so, but you can always find a way to change your ways for the better. You can potty-train yourself!"
Michelle sighed. "I don't think that's gonna help. I'm poor, I can't afford designer brand thongs, and I can't get a decent boyfriend. I'm constipated. I'm a failure... my parents didn't even want me; I was an accident!" She began to cry. "My whole life is worthless!"
The toilet goddess frowned. "That's not true. I'm sure things will get better... Hmmm. Perhaps I can help you... Who is it that you want to impress?"
Michelle thought for a moment. "Well, there's these two dogs, and this guy named Tobias... but I don't know anything about him, like where he lives or anything. And-"
"Say no more," the toilet goddess assured her. She suddenly pulled out a wand and waved it. "Bippety boppety boo!" she cried as Michelle's chuch pants were suddenly clean, and she didn't feel constipated. There was also a large pumpkin with wheels next to her.
"Oh, thank you, toilet goddess!" Michelle yelled as she hugged her. "I'll never take a crap or a piss in the road again! Thank you so much!"
"That's not all," the toilet goddess grinned. "This pumpkin will magically take you to Tobias' location!"
"Oh, wow! Thanks!" Michelle smiled and she felt tears in her eyes. She climbed into the pumpkin and the motor turned on.
A few seconds later, the pumpkin was bouncing down the road on a quest to find Tobias...
Chapter 9
In Which Michelle's Pants Are Eaten"Aaaah!" yelled a familiar voice when the pumpkin had crashed through the wall. Michelle recognized it as Tobias. Eagerly, she stuck her head out of the pumpkin, only to see Tobias sitting on a toilet.
"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry about the wall," she said nervously as she jumped out. "I'm Michelle, the girl you met at the mall the other day."
"Drool girl? You scared the sh!t out of me!" Tobias exclaimed angrily. "Literally!"
"I said I was sorry," Michelle grumbled. "Anyways, I came here to ask you if you'd go out with me..."
"What?! You crashed into my bathroom while I'm taking a crap just to ask me if I can go out with you?!" the bird-boy exclaimed as he ruffled his feathers.
Michelle shrugged. "I... uh... yeah."
Tobias sighed. "Look, I'm already going out with someone..." He hesitated. "But she's away for the weekend. I guess just this once..."
Michelle couldn't believe her ears. "Really?! You'll go out with me?!"
Tobias frowned. "Just as long as you don't tell my girlfriend, Rachel. Oh, and one more thing... you have to pay me."
Michelle reached into her pocket and took out the three dollars left to her name. "It's not much... but it's all I have."
Tobias sighed again. "Whatever. Come on, let's go."
"Where are we going?" Michelle asked eagerly.
"Just outside. Maybe for a walk down the road, then we come right back."
"Okay!" Michelle said happily. She grabbed Tobias' hand and ran out the whole in the wall. Suddenly, she felt her feet give out beneath her and she felt herself falling to the ground.
"Oww, God d@mmit!" she yelled as she pulled herself up and brushed off. "I can't believe I forgot to tie my shoelaces again!"
"Are you okay?" Tobias asked.
Michelle nodded, but she felt her cheeks burning. Do I always have to make a fool of myself? she wondered.
Tobias took her hand, and she suddenly felt better. They began to walk down the road, and Michelle felt as if, for the first time in her life, somebody actually cared about her.
Just then, a goat jumped out of the bushes next to them and
began to chew on Michelle's newly cleaned jeans. She tried to shove it away, but the goat held firm. Suddenly, she heard a ripping sound, and the goat ran off down the road.pants!" he cried."I know," Michelle grumbled, looking down at her plain briefs. "What a rude b@stard..." She paused, waiting for Tobias to stop giggling. "And so are you!" she screamed, spinning around to face him. "That wasn't funny!" And with that, she stormed off down the road, nearly tripping over a dead deer.
"Hey, wait!" he called after her, but she ignored him and kept running. Tears streamed down her face, and it was all she could do to keep herself from crying like a baby.
Just then, Michelle looked up the road and saw the same goat that had stolen her pants. She stopped sniffling and began to creep closer. When she was a few feet behind the goat, she could make out what it was saying to itself. Its voice sounded strangely familiar...
"Hehehe, this is the best yet!" the goat laughed. "Puma will love to hear this! Michelle actually thought--"
Suddenly, the goat noticed Michelle standing behind it. "S-s-sorry!" the goat called as Michelle tried to throw it across the street, but it slipped out of her hands and took off down the street.
Michelle clenched her fists. How ironic, she thought. That goat had the voice of Betsy...
Chapter 10
In Which Gamache Ditches His Car Some time later, Michelle was still walking down the road feeling sorry for herself. Fortunately, it was getting dark, and nobody was around to see her out-of-style underwear.It seems like the whole world is against me, she thought.
Just then, she heard the sound of squeaky bike tires. She turned to see the bike man riding down the road. "Eric the bike man!" he was singing in a strangely high-pitched voice.
"Oh no!" Michelle cried. "What if he sees me!" Without thinking, she dove into a bush on the side of the road. "Ow, ow, my @ss!" she yelled. She jumped up and spun around, only to realize that she's sat in the middle of a thorn bush.
Bike man was drawing closer. Right about then, he noticed Michelle. "Hey, I know you!" he yelled as he stopped and got off his bike.
Michelle breathed a sigh of relief. Apparently it was dark enough that he didn't see her absent pants.
"I know you, too," she growled. "You tripped me in church!"
Eric grinned. "Yeah, wasn't that great? The whole church was laughing!"
Michelle was furious. As the bike man turned around to get back on his bike, she gave him a hard shove and he splatted to the pavement."You deserved it!" she yelled."Hey, don't blame your messed up life on me!" he yelled.
At that moment, two headlights from a car shone down the road and illuminated both of them.
"My god! You don't have pants on!" Eric yelled. "You sicko!"
"Hey, it wasn't my fault! A goat ate them!"
"Yeah, sure, I've heard that one before!" Eric growled.
The car was drawing closer. Suddenly, a deer ran out in the middle of the road. The car swerved to avoid the deer, but it was headed straight for Michelle and the bike man. They both screamed and dove into the thorn bush. A few seconds later, the car flew off the side of the road, landing a few feet to their right.
"Oww, my @ss!" yelled the bike man.
"I hear that," Michelle grumbled.
Just then, the door of the car opened and out stepped Mr. Gamache. "Michelle! What are you doing here? And where are your pants?" he questioned.
"A goat ate them!" Michelle cried.
"A goat, eh?" Mr. Gamache repeatedly dubiously. He looked around. "Now where'd that d@mn deer go? It nearly destroyed my car!"
Michelle used the opportunity to slip away. She ran off through the woods, feeling even worse. Would there ever be an end to her misery?
About ten minutes later, Michelle came upon a cozy cottage in a clearing of the woods.
Hmmm, she thought, I wonder if I should go inside? After a moment's hesitation, she stepped up onto the porch. Slowly, the door creaked open...
Chapter 11
In Which Michelle Meets The Three Bears
"Wow, what is this place?" Michelle wondered out loud as she stepped inside. In the middle of the room there was a table. Three bowls of macaroni and cheese were sitting out. Michelle's stomach rumbled loudly and she realized that she hadn't had anything to eat for a long time."This macaroni and cheese is too hot," she complained as she began to eat out of the first bowl. She at it anyway. "And this macaroni is too cold," she whined. She gulped it down as well. "But this macaroni is just right," she said happily as she ate the last of the delicious food.
Looking around, Michelle saw three different sized chairs were also in the room. She walked over to them and sat down in the largest of the chairs.
"This chair is too big," she complained. Suddenly, there was a loud crack and the chair broke into pieces. Michelle fell to the floor, cursing. She then tried the smallest chair.
"This one's too small," she comoplained. She tried to stand up, but the chair stuck to her butt. She cursed again and tried to yank it off, but she lost her balance and fell on the floor. Finally, she was able to free herself and by that time, she had lost the courage to try sitting in the final, medium-sized chair.
Just then, Michelle heard the sound of a door opening. She spun around to see three bears walk into the room.
"What are you doing in here?!" boomed the biggest bear. "I'm Papa Charlie Bear, and this is my house!"
"S-sorry!" Michelle stammered. "I see you have a lovely family..."
The rabid bear glanced at the second largest bear, a female with mascara and false eyelashes. "Hello, I'm Mama Alex Bear." She smiled warmly, and glanced at the third bear, who was much smaller.
"I'm little Baby Buddy Bear," he said in a squeaky, high-pitched voice.
"And now, you die!" Without warning, the Charlie lunged for Michelle. Both of them crashed backward and landed on the last remaining chair, crushing it beneath their combined weight.
"Oww, get off of me, you perverted bear!" Michelle cried.
"Yes, please, be nice, Charlie!" Mama Alex Bear cried.
Papa Charlie Bear grabbed a yardstick and tossed it at Michelle. It narrowly missed her.
Oh no! she thought. What am I going to do...?!
Chapter 12
In Which Gamache Is Sucked Into A Tornado
Thinking fast, Michelle grabbed the yardstick and swung it back and forth in front of her. "Back, back, you hairy beast!" she screamed. "Believe me, you don't want to see me when I'm mad. I can let out a fart like no other!"Just then, the house began to shake violently.
"Holy crap!" yelled Papa Charlie Bear. "That was good, but I can do better."
"That wasn't me!" Michelle cried as the roof was suddenly torn off of the house.
"Aaah!" cried Baby Buddy Bear, who was flying toward the now open ceiling. "Help me!"
"Oh no!" Mama Alex Bear exclaimed. "What's going on?!" She grabbed Papa Charlie Bear, who was heavy enough to keep them both anchored to the ground.
Michelle ran to the window and looked outside. "It's a tornado!" she screamed.
All of the sudden, there was a loud crack as one of the wooden walls broke in half. Seconds later, the whole house was flying through the air.
"This sucks!" yelled Papa Charlie Bear as the yardstick flew by and hit him on the head. "Owww! You'll pay for this, little girl!" He lunged for Michelle.
"Wait! It's not my fault!" she cried. Just then, something caught her eye. She looked out the window again and saw Gamache flying through the air on a bike that looked suspiciously like the bike man's. Before her eyes, he began to change, and he suddenly became a witch on a broom!
She didn't have time to ponder the thought because Papa Charlie Bear's giant paw slapped her across the face and she fell unconscious to the floor.
When Michelle woke up, the three bears were gone, and everything was calm. Slowly, she stood up and walked over to the door. She opened it and stepped outside. She was in someplace she had never been before!
Michelle turned around and noticed Gamache's feet with two ruby red slippers sticking out from under the house. She quickly grabbed them and put them on her own feet.
I'd better get going, she thought to herself as she began to follow a yellow brick road. As she walked along, she couldn't help thinking, I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore...
Chapter 13
In Which Michelle Meets Scamper The Penguin Michelle scratched her head. Not only did it look like she wasn't in Kansas, it looked like she wasn't even in the U.S.A. anymore. Everywhere she looked, all she saw was snow. If there hadn't been a yellow brick road to follow, she feared she might have gotten lost.All of the sudden, Michelle saw three small creatures running toward her. One of them was a husky dog, and the other two looked like penguins.
"Be careful, Scamper!" cried one of the penguins, who was pink. "It might be another one of those mean Russians who runs around yelling 'I vant those penguin chicks!'"
"It's certainly not one of the scientists I came here with," said the dog. "They dress up because of the cold weather here in Antarctica, and they wear pants."
"Pants?" repeated the blue penguin. "What are pants?"
"It's something they wear so their butt doesn't freeze," said the dog.
Michelle shivered. Her butt was getting rather cold... Shaking it off, she forced herself to speak. "I'm not a Russian," she told the three animals. "I came here by accident. A tornado dumped me here, and I'm following this yellow brick road."
"You must be friendly then," said the pink penguin. "But there are some unfriendly creatures around here, too. They are called seagulls, and they'd eat us all if they had the chance."
"By the way," said the blue penguin, "I'm Scamper. This other penguin is my friend Snowflake, and this dog is Cowboy."
Without warning, Cowboy jumped on top of Michelle and began to lick her face.
"Stoppit!" she cried and shoved him off. "I'd love to stay and play, but I need to find a way to get back home before my @sshole freezes up and I can't take a crap anymore."
"I wish we could help," Snowflake began, "but we don't know how."
"You could try jumping off of a tall cliff and flying away before you fall into the icy water below," Scamper offered.
"I've got a better idea," Cowboy spoke up. "You could go and see the wizard. He'll know what to do!"
"Good idea!" agreed Scamper and Snowflake. "Follow us!"
"Are you sure it's okay to leave the yellow brick road?" Michelle inquired.
"That's not a road," Cowboy informed her. "It's where one of the scientists I came with took a piss. Her name was Werner Von Vos, I think."
Michelle leaped off of the 'yellow brick road' as fast as she could and began to follow Scamper and the others through the snow. I can't believe I was walking on a river of piss from that awful thong designer, she thought. I hope this wizard knows how to get me out of here...
Chapter 14
In Which Michelle Meets The Wizard By the time Michelle, Scamper, Snowflake, and Cowboy had reached the igloo where the wizard supposedly lived, the hair on Michelle's legs had frozen into spiky icicles."Just go right into the igloo," Scamper instructed her. "We'll be right behind you."
Slowly, Michelle stepped into the igloo. She was surprised to see that the inside of it was covered with peace signs and tie-dyed wallpaper. In the center of the room stood a small, green frog.
"Dude, ribbit, dude, ribbit... who are you?" the frog demanded.
"M-my name is Michelle," she stuttered. "Are you the wizard?"
"Dude, ribbit... I am," said the frog. "I was once a smart girl in an advanced math class, but I was obsessed with the real wizard, Harry Potter, and one day that b@stard turned me into a frog with that blasted wand of his! Now all I can do is fantasize about Lord of the Rings and wait for the day when I will see my long lost love, Jeremy the fish-head bagman."
Michelle blinked. "Umm... okay. Whatever. Look, can you help me get home?"
"Dude ribbit... yes, but only if you do something in return," the frog said softly. "You must take me with you so that I stand a chance of one day seeing my love again, and possibly of being turned back into my above-average human form."
"It's a deal!" Michelle said cheerfully. "But... how do we get home?"
The frog grinned. "Dude, ribbit... you've been able to home the whole time. Those ruby slippers you are wearing are they key."
Michelle looked down at the slippers she had stolen from Gamache. "Oh, I get it... all I have to do is click them together three times, right?"
"Dude, ribbit... no, you must eat one and shove the other up your @ss," the frog corrected her.
D@mmit! Why does everything have to be so difficult?! Michelle wondered. "Fine, fine," she grumbled. She took off one of the slippers and stuck it in her mouth, then shoved the other one up her @sshole. She winced in pain.
All at one, the room began to swirl, and the brighly-colored wallpaper seemed to blend together. She felt something hop onto her shoulder, and then everything went black...
Chapter 15
In Which Michelle Wears The 'Sawong' Slowly, Michelle opened her eyes. Standing in front of her was a very small version of the Chesire cat from Alice in Wonderland."AAAHHH!" she screamed. "Help! It's gonna eat me!"
Suddenly, a girl appeared and grabbed the tiny Chesire cat. "Don't you know it's impolite to stare at people who don't wear pants?" she scolded it. Her voice had a deep southern accent.
"I... I'm sorry about that, but a goat ate my pants," Michelle explained.
The girl stared at her for a few moments. "I see," she finally said. "And who are you?"
"My name's Michelle," Michelle replied.
"Dude, ribbit! What about me?!"
Michelle pulled herself to her feet and saw that she had been lying on the frog. "Oh yeah, this is the wizard from Antarctica. Her name is... um..."
"Dude, ribbit, Celeste!" the frog cried.
"Okay..." the girl said. "Michelle and Celeste. I'm Gretel, and this is my soulmate." She gestured to the unmoving form of the Chesire cat, which Michelle suddenly realized was only a stuffed animal.
"Dude, ribbit, where are we?" asked the frog.
"We're at the festival of nations," replied Gretel. Suddenly, she pulled a blue cloth out of her soulmate's @ss. "Here, if you don't want to run around in your underwear, you can wear my sarong."
"Sawong?" Michelle repeated.
"No, not sawong, a sarong!" Gretel corrected her.
Michelle greedily snatched the cloth out of her hand and wrapped it around her middle. This looks much better than my church pants, she thought to herself.
"So where are you headed?" Gretel asked.
"Dude, ribbit, to find my long lost love, Jeremy!" the frog said quickly.
Michelle rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help thinking of her own crushes: Tobias, Spike, and Angel.
Gretel glanced at her soulmate. "What's that?" she asked. She then turned back to Michelle. "My soulmate says he knows where you might be able to find him. Come on!"
Michelle picked up Celeste and followed after Gretel and her soulmate. "Where are we going?" she asked.
"To the train station," Gretel replied cheerfully. "We're going to go to the mall. It's the best place for hooking up with people."
"Dude, ribbit!" cried Celeste. "I hope it works!"
"Maybe Tobias will be there," Michelle said dreamily. "And if he is, I hope he notices this wonderful sawong Gretel is letting me wear..."
"That's sarong," Gretel said flatly. "Stop calling it a sawong, or people will think you have something in your pants."
"But I do have something in my pants," Michelle insisted.
Gretel sighed heavily and reached down and grabbed her soulmate and yanked it out. After slapping it on the @ss, they continued to walk in the direction of the train station.
"Dude, ribbit, what's the mall like?" Celeste asked after a while.
"It's really cool," Gretel informed her. "There are awesome stores there, like Abercrombie and Fitch, Aeropostale, and that new store where you can buy Vos designer brand thongs."
Ha! Michelle laughed. As if anybody would want to...
