What is Cheese Industries?

Our company, Cheese Industries, is a sole proprietorship based in...hey...wait...what kind of a question is that?? Read the rest of this website, for crying out loud!! Figure it out!! Next question!!

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What exactly are "cheese-related" needs?

Stated simply, a need is something that is required or wanted. A cheese-related need is anything connected to or associated with a solid food prepared from the pressed curd of milk, often seasoned and aged, that is required or wanted. We here at Cheese Industries offer a variety of products to meet these needs.

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Do you ever make the kind of cheese that is...eaten?

Despite what appears to be a high demand for edible cheese, Cheese Industries still has no plans at this time to expand its business into the edible cheese market.

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Is "Stinkypants" your owner's real last name?

No, his name is Charles Stinkpants. You wouldn't believe the kind of torment Mr. Stinkpants had to endure through high school...just as his father did...and his father before that. YOU try and imagine what it must be like...to grow up with a family name like Stinkpants, why don't you?

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Will Cheese Industries ever offer weapons of mass destruction made of cheese?

Sadly...due to some legal issues, Cheese Industries no longer offers cheese-based explosives or the Deadly Cheese Gas (TM). However, keep checking with Cheese Industries to see when that situation may change.

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Would you ever consider making anything out of luncheon meats?

That's a rediculous question! This is Cheese Industries, darn it! We make things out of cheese, not some stupid little deli meats!! I mean...just the thought of it...a company that's dedicated to cheese...suddenly making meat products, I mean...come on! Er...then again...how much did you say you were going to pay for it...?

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Every time I place an order on your page's Products section, it always tells me the item is out of stock!

Hey, that's not even a question! What is up with you people?? Alright...if the item you want isn't in stock...just try again later! After all...it's not like this website is just some kind of joke that doesn't really sell anything...I mean...look! There's a real sketch of Mr. Stinkpants! How could he possibly not exist?? Oh...wait...

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What exactly happened to Alan Brie?

We're...not permitted to comment on that at this time.

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How would you like to make $500,000 a day, just by sitting at home and eating fried chicken?

ARGH!! No matter where I go, I always end up getting spammed!! What is the matter with you people?? Does anyone even respond to spam these days?? I'll get you for this, spammers!! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!

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I bought one of your products yesterday...and I must tell you, it is the worst, most pathetic excuse for a consumer product I have ever seen in my life! What is wrong with you people??

Even though Cheese Industries strives toward a standard of excellence, there are still times when customers may not be completely satisfied with their purchase. Your business is important to us...however, our company's official stance on these matters has always been that a person who is displeased with a Cheese Industries product is either lying or has something very wrong with them that would cause them to not like our products. Either way, these are still very bad people. Avoid them at all costs!