Volpane In Love

Decade Archive of my personal blog from 1999 to 2009.

Saturday, August 25, 2001

Another day off. I dreamt I visited Jon in San Francisco. He came to pick me up in an old VW bug with Kevin and a friend. Then he managed to drive off the freeway and into a bog. I wonder what that means.

It seems the neighbor upstairs, a Ms. Carter and long-time resident, has moved. They've been banging around upstairs for the past two days. I recognize the voices of the manager and his regular contractor. Right now someone is banging on the floor at regular intervals. I will have to get out soon.

Waking this morning I was thinking about my novel and how after too installments to a friend I've managed to loose my steam. I know I can pick it up, but I haven't been motivated that direction. Finances weigh heavily and distract me from my creative flow. Haven't even been able to distract myself with a new romantic interest...I am resisting couching my despair and sadness as simply boredom. Perhaps that might be more tactful at this point.

That's just the problem though. I've gotten to a point again where I don't feel like being tactful, good, sober or pleasant. I�ve been tempted to start smoking, wasting my money on drinking heavily and visiting a sex club around the corner. I think most of my friends would either applaud or keep their own council if I followed through with this desire, because I think we�ve all been there at one point or other. I�m just not wanting to cause myself more problems by burning myself out on vices I don�t currently claim for myself.

Instead I�m listening to Rufus Wainwright too much, painting my nails over and over in ever increasing layers, watching my hair color fade and grow out, wearing my contacts longer than I should, dressing in black, drinking too much caffeine (tweek noticed that the other day), reading F. Scott Fitzgerald and realizing when I got such silly ideas about life. On one hand I want someone to take pity on me and befriend me out of curiosity and compassion, on the other I realize most likely I will alienate everyone who doesn�t already know me and realizes that I am merely posing here. I don�t want to be, but I�ve been feeling very spiky and irritable, even my favorite customers at work are upsetting me. I�ve needed this break from work, but it has only shown me how much I need a break from my life again.


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