history repeats itself
Mood:  hungry
Topic: adulthood
the heat of summer has taken it's time getting here, which i'm not complaining about... nonono... by no means am i rushing the smothering heat of houston summers... but all the same it feels odd.

kristin's birthday was the 20th... i knew it was coming, but i couldn't remember what day it was for the life of me. i will warn you now, i am horrible at forgetting things like that... really important things...so if you want me to remember your birthday/anniversary/some other random important day... BE OBNOXIOUS about it... because i swear that's the only way you'll get a call from me on that day, or a present or a card or ANYTHING...

beau scratched my super sensitive scar on my arm... the skin is still so soft and fresh, his razor-blade fingernails cut through it like butter... ouch... i am struggling lately with the feeling that all beau does is wreck and destroy things... i clean for an hour and it takes him five minutes to push everything over and pull everything out... it's a bit overwhelming at times... and always pulling on me, wrapping his tiny arms around my legs and jumping up with the expectant and understood message of "hold me mama"... and when i say no... no i won't hold you, not now, i am bone-tired or too busy, i see my own childhood, and my own lonely, tired mother... raising children is a form of penance which presses out true forgiveness--the complete understanding and sharing of minds. i will never be whole from the gaping emptiness that was my childhood companion, but i can at least understand it's roots, and hope that my own promises to my child hold strong

my thoughts make sense to me...
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: dashboard confessional- "the good fight"
Topic: adulthood
sometimes i look up and realize i have forgotten how to be me... i fall into the pattern of being who i'm expected to be... but today i wish i could fly... i wish i sang more and felt the harmony waving in my chest as the guitar pushed out the rhythm... i wish i wrote again... i used to write real things, and now i write about the silly day to day dealings of my life... maybe to keep me in practice... i wish i read more, and painted... and danced... and loved... i used to do all these things... but now i feel a bit like i'm spread too thin... with a child always pulling on me, and chores that never reach an end and projects due so that i might master the fundamentals of design so that one day i can sell my ideas to someone... and always the secrets of who i am... such a burden... but i know... i know how the story can end... my heart throbs just to feel safe again... and did i ever... yes... once upon a time... i can break the silence, i can remember i was salvaged for a reason--beyond what i can understand. there is always hope in that.

week 4... too early to freak
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: puddle of mudd - "control"
Topic: adulthood
yesterday was a weird sort of day for me.

i told jamie i was going to go to the second service at church, so he set the alarm for 10. but beau was in his bed screaming and kali was standing at the edge of mine snuffling, so i really couldn't sleep no matter how hard i tried... i got up and made it on time for the first service. i got many many comments about my hair, and beau got many many comments about his.

when i got home the alarm jamie had set (and i had forgotten to turn off) was going off... i guess it had scared kali and she had diarrhea... all over the place... joy...

i laid beau down for a nap expecting him to wake up in an hour or so and laid myself down for a nap too... 4 hours later jamie came home and from then on i was all strange b/c my internal clock had been messed up... i then went to watch trey and chris play the new pirate game, which is too cool! really... a game with little ships you push around the table... it's EXcellent...

then i read melissa's papers and attempted to edit them... not so good in that department, as my brain was all fuzzy, but it was good to know i was the 3rd person to have read them... not so much pressure... :p

and then i worked out a pretty crappy solution to my color theory homework... and on that note i will start panicking about it... see i wasn't able to buy my illustration board before class, so i'm going to mount it on bristol board and hope i get to school early enough to buy the illustration board and cut and mount it at school... NO PRESSURE THOUGH... ack!

and to add to that i think i'm getting sick... my lungs feel all tight... they have for about a week, but it was bad enough that i couldn't really sleep well last night... having had pneumonia before, i am freaking out, b/c i remember it coming on really suddenly and not being able to breathe... ahh... just what i need... AND.. my mom's b-day is tomorrow... and i have two perspective drawings due thursday (interior and exterior... and i've only started the ext.)... and i have a big project due friday, and the only place i can work on it is at school... so that is several hours extra i will be at school this week... when i'm not feeling too great...
/panic...
ok... calming down... a bit
need to eat (aka; wizard needs food, badly)...

sorry for such a random, boring entry... but this is, after all, my blog... if you don't like it, go away.

:p

on this day...
Mood:  not sure
Topic: adulthood
best quote of the week...
from lawler...
my piercer...
"you may excuse yourself of clothing"

omg... feeling very sick this morning... anxiety > anything i've felt to date... just hoping everything goes ok...

every muscle in my body is tightened to an excessive point... yesterday while lounging my shoulder seized up... while LOUNGING... this is ridiculous... i think i'm going to insist that part of the settlement money we get goes to cover an hour of massage at QLS (or if anyone knows of another spa, perhaps there...)

ok... so off to confront the monsters... prayer seems such a foreign, hard-to-grasp thing for me of late... all mine seem to hit heaven and fall straight back down to me... but if you are still getting yours through, then would you send one up for me today? i'd appreciate it...

much love my peeps.

these things
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: adulthood
there are all sorts of gadgets on my keyboard and i have no clue what they do... i want to push them, but then what will happen?

there is one with a little person raising his arms--"iTouch"... what is iTouch? then there's one with a little man running--"Go"... go where? there's also a random arrow pointing at i don't know what...

this seems to be a theme. i drive around town and realize there are roads i have never been down. where do they take me? logic tells me that it doesn't matter--these roads and buttons have nothing to do with me, i haven't needed them yet and therefore i do not need them. but if in fact i do one day need them they will be there for me.

and yet another part of my brain, the part that doesn't fit in with the rest of the world... that part tells me I should push the buttons and take the random roads, Lord knows what they do or where they go but wouldn't it be fun to find out? wouldn't it be fun, just for once to do something out of the ordinary? to jump up and shout "i love you!" so everyone can know? or to unabashedly weep in a store... or to sing at the top of your lungs? why don't we do these things? they make sense to me... they make life better... why don't we do these things?