One day, Orlando Bloom (yee-hee!) was walking down the street when he bumped into Josh Hartnett and Leo DiCaprio.

Orlando:  Hello!

Leo:  Wait a minute.  Where have I seen you before?

Josh:  He's that guy from Lord Of The Rings.  Legolas the elf

Orlando: (holds out a hand) Pleased to meet you.  Call me Orlando.

Leo: (looks at the hand)  I expected you to be shorter.  You're big for an elf.

Orlando:  I am not an elf!  I wasn’t even digitally resized in the movie like the others.

Josh:  Anyway, we don't want to shake your hand.  Because of you, all our fans have disappeared!

Orlando:  What do you mean?  I didn't do anything.

Leo:  Because of you, my girlfriend and I broke up.  Me!!!  Mr. Titanic, the guy who's movie earned over $1Billion worldwide!  I remember the days when people would watch Titanic over and over again just to see me.  But now I don't even have a girlfriend.

Orlando:  Well you have no one to blame but yourself.  Nobody likes you anymore because you made such terrible movies like The Beach.  When I was in theatre, I always picked the best scripts.

Leo:  Go ahead.  Compare me.  Point out my imperfections.  That's all my girlfriend ever did.  She kept comparing me to you!  (flutters his eyes and talks in falsetto) "Orlando Bloom can defeat a thousand orcs with nothing but a bow and arrow!  In your movie, Leo, you froze in the water!"  I couldn't bear it anymore so I broke up with her.

Orlando:  um... I'm sorry...

Leo: "sorry" doesn't give me my adoring fans back!

Orlando: (looks at Josh)  I liked you in Pearl Harbor.

Josh:  Don't try to kiss up to me, elf!  Because of you, nobody even knows my real name.  They just call me "Danny from Pearl Harbor."  But you!  People already knew your name on your movie's opening day!

Orlando:  Cool!  I mean, that's interesting.

Josh:  Well let me tell you this, Bloom boy, my girlfriend broke up with me too!  She said, (talks in falsetto) "Josh, in your movie you flew a fighter airplane but you still let the Japanese soldiers shoot you in the end.  Legolas didn't die.  And he has beautiful long hair!  Why don't you have beautiful hair?"

Orlando: (smiling)  I have beautiful hair?

Josh:  No!

Leo:  And another thing, why is your movie earning so much money?  Titanic and Pearl Harbor were true stories and yours was just a book.  In your movie, a barkada of fairy tale creatures fight over a ring.

Orlando:  You obviously haven’t watched the movie, Leo.  My movie has good values.

Josh:  And ours doesn’t?

Orlando:  May I remind you of a scene that took place in a hangar full of parachutes?  Kissy-kissy!

Josh:  Shut up!

Orlando:  Shhh!

Josh:  Don't shush me, Leggo-my-eggo or whatever your name is!

Orlando:  No, shh!  Something draws near.  I can feel it.

Leo:  It must be the babes coming for me!

Josh:  You forget, Leo, we don't have babes anymore.

Leo:  Oh yeah?  When those girls come, they'll pick ME over the two of you!

Josh:  Why would they do that?  Your career faded faster than the career of Vanilla Ice!

Leo:  (crying) Why does everybody compare me to freaks?!

Josh:  Hey, where did Elfie go?

Leo:  He's over there with that girl.  HEY!!!

Josh:  A girl!  Yoo-hoo girlie!  Over here!

Leo:  Look at me!  Look at me!

Girl:  Oh look!  It's Danny from Pearl Harbor!

Josh:  Oh brother.

Orlando:  Josh, if she wants Danny from Pearl Harbor, you better give her Danny.  She'll like you better.

Josh:  What?  I don't believe it.  The ELF is gonna tell me what girls like!

Girl:  Don't talk to Orlie that way!  He’s a real man!

Josh:  Well, here goes.  Um… have you ever watched the sunset from the harbor?  I mean… what was that line again…

Girl:  I bet Orlie never forgets his lines!

Leo: (whispers)  Flying!

Josh:  Oh yeah.  Wanna go flying?

Leo:  Wait a minute.  That’s my line.  I mean Rose’s line.   I mean…

Josh:  Huh?

Leo: (grabs the girl and lifts her arms)  Like this.  Say it, baby.

Girl:  Let go of me, you creep!

Leo:  No, you’re supposed to say “I’m flying!”

Girl:  Let go!  Help!  Orlie!  Save me, Orlie!

Orlando:  You better let her go, Leo

Leo:  No, she’s just playing around.  She really loves it.  Don’t you honey?

Girl:  Pervert!  Manyak!  Ambastos si DiCaprio pa la!

Leo:  (he lets go)  Oh, so you do recognize me.  I mean, of course you do.  I’m a hunk!  I work out.  My body is a temple.  Feel free to worship, baby!

Girl:  (she punches him)  Bastos!

Leo:  Ouch!  Oh owie owie!  Mommyyyyy!  (he runs away)

Josh:  Hmm… Well I guess it’s useless trying to get rid of you.  The girls really do like you better than me.

Orlando: (smiles) Does this mean no hard feelings, Mr. Danny from Pearl Harbor?

Josh: (smiles) Don’t call me that, Legolas the elf!

Orlando:  Don’t forget to watch my next movie, Black Hawk Down.

Josh:  You’re in Black Hawk Down?  So am I!

Orlando:  You’re kidding!  Did you know Ewan McGregor is in it too?

Josh:  You mean Obi-Wan Kenobi?  Wasn’t he also the guy in Moulin Rouge?

Girl:  My gudness!  Ang daming guapo!

Leo:  Did someone call me?

Orlando:  No.  What are you doing back here?

Leo:  I decided that I won’t let this girl make me feel like a failure.  Human instinct just grabbed me and screamed, “No!  I will not die today!”  (he holds the girls hand)  I’m not an idiot.  I know how the world works.  I’m not in the movie Black Hawk Down.  But I have a new movie called Gangs Of New York where I co-star with Cameron Diaz.

Josh:  Is that true?  You actually scored a movie with Cameron Diaz?  Wow.  That is an accomplishment.

Leo:  So you see, I’m not a failure.  I think this girl should take a good look at us and pick one.  Tell us, girlie, who’s the cutest, most handsome, sexy, super macho celebrity?

Girl:  (looks at them, thinking) Uhm…

Leo: (strikes a pose)

Josh:  (shrugs)

Orlando:  (smiles)  Hi.

Girl:  Enough talk!  Marry me, Orlie!  I love you!

Orlando:  Oh, okay, but would you release my arm, please?

Girl:  Take me home!  Can’t you see I’m in love you?

Orlando:  Yes, that’s becoming very clear to me now.

Leo:  Grrr!  Just you wait for my new movie!  You’ll come crawling back to me, baby! (he walks away)

Josh:  (starts laughing)

Orlando:  This isn’t funny, Josh!  She’s got the grip of a bear!

Girl:  Shut up and kiss me!

Orlando:  Aw crap!  Let go!

Girl:  Mwah!  Mwah!  Mwah!  Mwah!  Mwah!

Orlando:  Stop it!  Keep your lips away! (pushes the girl off and runs away)

Josh:  Look what you’ve done, girlie.  You came on too strong and scared him away.

Girl:  I kissed Orlando Bloom!  Haaay!  Nahilo na ako!  Ang guapo!  Grabe!

Josh:  Silly girl!  Don’t you know he’s an elf?

Girl:  Hindi totoo yan!  Zealous ka lang.

Josh:  Yeah, right.  Like I’d be jealous of an elf.
One day, Orlando Bloom (yee-hee!) was walking down the street when he bumped into Josh Hartnett and Leo DiCaprio.

Orlando:  Hello!

Leo:  Wait a minute.  Where have I seen you before?

Josh:  He's that guy from Lord Of The Rings.  Legolas the elf

Orlando: (holds out a hand) Pleased to meet you.  Call me Orlando.

Leo: (looks at the hand)  I expected you to be shorter.  You're big for an elf.

Orlando:  I am not an elf!  I wasn’t even digitally resized in the movie like the others.

Josh:  Anyway, we don't want to shake your hand.  Because of you, all our fans have disappeared!

Orlando:  What do you mean?  I didn't do anything.

Leo:  Because of you, my girlfriend and I broke up.  Me!!!  Mr. Titanic, the guy who's movie earned over $1Billion worldwide!  I remember the days when people would watch Titanic over and over again just to see me.  But now I don't even have a girlfriend.

Orlando:  Well you have no one to blame but yourself.  Nobody likes you anymore because you made such terrible movies like The Beach.  When I was in theatre, I always picked the best scripts.

Leo:  Go ahead.  Compare me.  Point out my imperfections.  That's all my girlfriend ever did.  She kept comparing me to you!  (flutters his eyes and talks in falsetto) "Orlando Bloom can defeat a thousand orcs with nothing but a bow and arrow!  In your movie, Leo, you froze in the water!"  I couldn't bear it anymore so I broke up with her.

Orlando:  um... I'm sorry...

Leo: "sorry" doesn't give me my adoring fans back!

Orlando: (looks at Josh)  I liked you in Pearl Harbor.

Josh:  Don't try to kiss up to me, elf!  Because of you, nobody even knows my real name.  They just call me "Danny from Pearl Harbor."  But you!  People already knew your name on your movie's opening day!

Orlando:  Cool!  I mean, that's interesting.

Josh:  Well let me tell you this, Bloom boy, my girlfriend broke up with me too!  She said, (talks in falsetto) "Josh, in your movie you flew a fighter airplane but you still let the Japanese soldiers shoot you in the end.  Legolas didn't die.  And he has beautiful long hair!  Why don't you have beautiful hair?"

Orlando: (smiling)  I have beautiful hair?

Josh:  No!

Leo:  And another thing, why is your movie earning so much money?  Titanic and Pearl Harbor were true stories and yours was just a book.  In your movie, a barkada of fairy tale creatures fight over a ring.

Orlando:  You obviously haven’t watched the movie, Leo.  My movie has good values.

Josh:  And ours doesn’t?

Orlando:  May I remind you of a scene that took place in a hangar full of parachutes?  Kissy-kissy!

Josh:  Shut up!

Orlando:  Shhh!

Josh:  Don't shush me, Leggo-my-eggo or whatever your name is!

Orlando:  No, shh!  Something draws near.  I can feel it.

Leo:  It must be the babes coming for me!

Josh:  You forget, Leo, we don't have babes anymore.

Leo:  Oh yeah?  When those girls come, they'll pick ME over the two of you!

Josh:  Why would they do that?  Your career faded faster than the career of Vanilla Ice!

Leo:  (crying) Why does everybody compare me to freaks?!

Josh:  Hey, where did Elfie go?

Leo:  He's over there with that girl.  HEY!!!

Josh:  A girl!  Yoo-hoo girlie!  Over here!

Leo:  Look at me!  Look at me!

Girl:  Oh look!  It's Danny from Pearl Harbor!

Josh:  Oh brother.

Orlando:  Josh, if she wants Danny from Pearl Harbor, you better give her Danny.  She'll like you better.

Josh:  What?  I don't believe it.  The ELF is gonna tell me what girls like!

Girl:  Don't talk to Orlie that way!  He’s a real man!

Josh:  Well, here goes.  Um… have you ever watched the sunset from the harbor?  I mean… what was that line again…

Girl:  I bet Orlie never forgets his lines!

Leo: (whispers)  Flying!

Josh:  Oh yeah.  Wanna go flying?

Leo:  Wait a minute.  That’s my line.  I mean Rose’s line.   I mean…

Josh:  Huh?

Leo: (grabs the girl and lifts her arms)  Like this.  Say it, baby.

Girl:  Let go of me, you creep!

Leo:  No, you’re supposed to say “I’m flying!”

Girl:  Let go!  Help!  Orlie!  Save me, Orlie!

Orlando:  You better let her go, Leo

Leo:  No, she’s just playing around.  She really loves it.  Don’t you honey?

Girl:  Pervert!  Manyak!  Ambastos si DiCaprio pa la!

Leo:  (he lets go)  Oh, so you do recognize me.  I mean, of course you do.  I’m a hunk!  I work out.  My body is a temple.  Feel free to worship, baby!

Girl:  (she punches him)  Bastos!

Leo:  Ouch!  Oh owie owie!  Mommyyyyy!  (he runs away)

Josh:  Hmm… Well I guess it’s useless trying to get rid of you.  The girls really do like you better than me.

Orlando: (smiles) Does this mean no hard feelings, Mr. Danny from Pearl Harbor?

Josh: (smiles) Don’t call me that, Legolas the elf!

Orlando:  Don’t forget to watch my next movie, Black Hawk Down.

Josh:  You’re in Black Hawk Down?  So am I!

Orlando:  You’re kidding!  Did you know Ewan McGregor is in it too?

Josh:  You mean Obi-Wan Kenobi?  Wasn’t he also the guy in Moulin Rouge?

Girl:  My gudness!  Ang daming guapo!

Leo:  Did someone call me?

Orlando:  No.  What are you doing back here?

Leo:  I decided that I won’t let this girl make me feel like a failure.  Human instinct just grabbed me and screamed, “No!  I will not die today!”  (he holds the girls hand)  I’m not an idiot.  I know how the world works.  I’m not in the movie Black Hawk Down.  But I have a new movie called Gangs Of New York where I co-star with Cameron Diaz.

Josh:  Is that true?  You actually scored a movie with Cameron Diaz?  Wow.  That is an accomplishment.

Leo:  So you see, I’m not a failure.  I think this girl should take a good look at us and pick one.  Tell us, girlie, who’s the cutest, most handsome, sexy, super macho celebrity?

Girl:  (looks at them, thinking) Uhm…

Leo: (strikes a pose)

Josh:  (shrugs)

Orlando:  (smiles)  Hi.

Girl:  Enough talk!  Marry me, Orlie!  I love you!

Orlando:  Oh, okay, but would you release my arm, please?

Girl:  Take me home!  Can’t you see I’m in love you?

Orlando:  Yes, that’s becoming very clear to me now.

Leo:  Grrr!  Just you wait for my new movie!  You’ll come crawling back to me, baby! (he walks away)

Josh:  (starts laughing)

Orlando:  This isn’t funny, Josh!  She’s got the grip of a bear!

Girl:  Shut up and kiss me!

Orlando:  Aw crap!  Let go!

Girl:  Mwah!  Mwah!  Mwah!  Mwah!  Mwah!

Orlando:  Stop it!  Keep your lips away! (pushes the girl off and runs away)

Josh:  Look what you’ve done, girlie.  You came on too strong and scared him away.

Girl:  I kissed Orlando Bloom!  Haaay!  Nahilo na ako!  Ang guapo!  Grabe!

Josh:  Silly girl!  Don’t you know he’s an elf?

Girl:  Hindi totoo yan!  Zealous ka lang.

Josh:  Yeah, right.  Like I’d be jealous of an elf.