'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Arkham
Not a creature was stirring in the quiet asylum
My stocking was hung by the plate glass with care
In hopes that the guard man would let me keep it there

The inmates were nestled all snug in their beds,
While blueprints of jailbreaks danced in their heads
I lay comfy in my PJs, eating dessert I had saved
From my share of question mark-shaped cookies Eddie gave

When right down the hall there arose such a clatter
It scared Mr. Freeze, woke Jon Crane and the Hatter
We ran to our windows, robes wrapped around really crude
Except for Matt Hagen, who slept in the nude

I stood on a chair and whatever I could wrangle
(The hall is hard to see from a perpendicular angle)
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But dear Mr. J smacking the guard on the rear

With a gun to his head, for fear there’d be shootin’
The guard unlocked our cells, all thanks to my Puddin!
We cheered for our hero, we were not ashamed
But Puddin whistled, and shouted, and called us by name

"Now Roxy!  Now Ivy!  Now Harv –  I mean Two-Face!
You, move it!  Yes, you Stupid!  Al Capone – I mean Scarface!
To the streets of Gotham!  You’re free of these walls!
Now dash away!  Dash away!  Dash away all!"

Ivy, old Red, carried plants out the door
While Selina snatched the Rolex from the guard on the floor
Mr. Freeze suited up and took his frozen music box
He left so fast, he bumped Oswald Cobblepot

Ventriloquist packed lightly, taking orders from his “friend”
While caught in the moment, Roxy kissed Harvey Dent
Meanwhile I ran over to hug my Mr. J
He must have been distracted because he pushed me away

It was a familiar sound that interrupted my love,
The sound of a grapple hook on the roof up above
The glass shattered down from the overhead skylight
And down dropped four guys all dressed up in tights

One was a kid dressed in red, yellow, and black
And a man with long hair that just about reached his back
The third was a woman, crouched low, ready to dart
But it was the last guy that struck fear in our hearts

His torture devices were concealed in his belt
On his chest, the winged bat shape we knew all too well
His cape was like darkness on his shoulders and back
And he looked like a monster about to attack

His eyes -- how they glared!  A sign to be wary!
Even the shadow he cast was real scary!
Tall ears and spiked gloves made him look like a bat
And the square of his chin that jutted out had no fat

His muscles were huge, stretched tight over himself,
And I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
He took a step forward, he was ready to fight
Mr. J yelled, “Don’t run!  Let’s kill the Dark Knight!”

We spoke not a word as we unleashed our worst
But not even Bane could subdue these four jerks
He hit them all down, but the big Bat arose
And knocked Bane unconscious while breaking his nose

I watched one by one, as my friends took the fall
Robin caged Killer Croc and “cribbed” Baby Doll
A bola from Nightwing tied up the Mad Hatter
A single stun bomb from Bratgirl… Clayface never looked flatter

Scarecrow whipped out some fear powder and sprayed it like mace
But the Bat ducked just in time, and it infected Scarface
The dummy screamed like a girl and pulled out his guns
Disoriented, he shot Harvey Dent in both buns!

Batman disarmed Freeze and locked up Ms. Kyle
I’ll never forget how he bowled Cobblepot down the aisle
Roxy, of all people, gave up cowering in fright
Ed and Red jumped on Batgirl, but she put out their lights

There was a loud BANG, and a scream echoed around
Batgirl clutched her stomach and then hit the ground
The Joker held his gun high, its barrel letting off smoke
He said, “Merry Christmas, Toots!  Now that’s a Killing Joke!”

The last man standing!  ‘Twas the brave Mr. J
He laughed, “Step aside, kids, or I’ll make you pay!”
“It just grazed me,” Batgirl moaned.  “A flesh wound.  I’ll be fine.”
But Nightwing yelled, “Why that funny-faced clown!  Joker’s mine!”

Running at full speed, he charged at the clown
And before Nightwing knew it, he was flat on the ground
Joker’s acid was now sizzling all over his chest
Bats yelled, “Lose the tights!” forcing Nightwing to undress

Joker leaped and sprayed Robin’s face full of gas
Reducing the kid to hysterical laughs
His eyes bulged and tears flowed.  The laughs wouldn’t go away
It was just like a scene from ROTJ

Batman quickly injected antitoxin to the boy
And said, “Let’s finish it.” and Joker said, “Oh joy.”
When Joker’s joybuzzer delivered a terrible shock,
Bats smashed Joker’s head on the walls made of rock

The force of a punch turned Joker fully around
And it was enough to put him down for the count
Bats released Joker’s hair, and down Joker dropped
Batman asked, “Any last words before I lock you up?”

Half-conscious and dizzy from the long painful fight
Joker mumbled, “Ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?”
You can’t spend Christmas with the Joker, you’ve probably got a wife
Why don’t you go home and watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’?”

Batman sprang to the roof, to his team gave a wave
And away they all flew to find more people to save
I heard Batman exclaim, as they flew out of sight,
“It’s a Merry Christmas after all.  Gotham’s safe for tonight!”