In My Bathroom

In My Bathroom


Chapter 4:

Buffy had just finished telling everyone what had happened last night. She had called the gang early this morning to tell them about doing a guest spot in Spike's dream. She had told them all the information that Spike had told her and how she had promised him that she would pick him up in San Francisco. They were interested at the events that Buffy had told them.

"So you're saying that you and Spike were in the same dream?" Giles asked Buffy. He had only heard about things like that happening. Of course he did remember that one time that Buffy and Angel were in each other's dreams, but Buffy had actually had a conversation with Spike in this dream.

"Yeah Giles. It was sort of weird, but I got some information about what's going on. Most of it was the same as from my dream, but he said that in his dream they told him that he was one of two champions and that somehow that would help him."


"Yeah is there something weird about that?" Everyone looked at Anya waiting for her to explain.

Anya thought about how to phrase what she was about to say. She didn't doubt that Spike could very well be the second champion, but she was sure that Xander, Giles, and Buffy would. She looked over at Dawn. She too was waiting for an answer, but Anya knew that she would stand behind Spike. Dawn would believe Spike was a champion.

"Well, champions are... well they're two people or demons for that matter that are chosen to help defend the world."

"Yeah so what's so outrageous about? I may not like Spike, but he does help us save the world." Xander said. He knew that Anya wasn't telling them something.

"Well you see champions are chosen because of certain qualities that they possess." Oh come on Anya just spit it out. You know for a fact how champions are chosen and they needed to know to.

"They have to be very powerful. More powerful then just a regular human. They also have to have a soul."

Everyone looked at Anya in total confusion. Spike didn't have a soul so what was the deal here? "Spike doesn't have a soul. Does he?" Xander said.

"Unless he was cursed, but then I don't know. There could be covens that give souls to people they deem worthy." Giles said.

"His quest. That's where he was going on his quest. It was a journey to find someone to give him his soul back." Dawn said excitedly. She knew that Buffy wouldn't have any excuse not to admit her feelings for Spike now. Spike could finally be happy.

"Buffy did he tell you anything about wanting to get his soul back. I mean this is some new information that we need to consider. Spike may not be the most stable person right now. He is probably still reliving his crimes." Giles said as he looked over at Buffy.

Buffy sat down on one of the chairs in the living room thinking about this new information. He got his soul. Why didn't he tell me that was what he was doing? He probably didn't want to tell me because he wasn't sure if he could get it back. Or maybe he didn't tell because it was supposed to be a surprise. Great Anya just ruined the surprise. He has a soul now. Things can be different. Fresh start. That's how he put it. He got his soul back for... me.

"Buffy!" Xander said loudly.


"Giles was just asking if you knew that he was getting his soul back." Xander saw the look on Buffy's face and knew what she was thinking about. Now it was okay for her to be with Spike all because he had a soul.

"Uh, no he didn't tell me anything. He just went on and on about having to do something that would benefit both of us and that when he got back there would be a fresh start."

"Well I guess that we will just have to wait to confirm that he has a soul. When does his ship get to San Francisco?"

"In about two days. We'll have to hurry if we want to get there."

"Will it be in the day or in the night?"

"Night I think. I mean it would be the safest and I think that he was thinking safety first."

"Well I think that Buffy and I should go and Anya, Xander and Dawn should stay here. Look up some more stuff now that we have this new information. Also someone has to watch Dawn."

"Why can't I come?" Dawn said in a pouty voice that made her sound like a two-year-old.

"Because there is school and it will be boring."

"You're going to get Spike. I'm the only one here that cares if he comes back. I should be able to go."

"Dawn you haven't seen him in three months. A couple of more days won't hurt." Dawn crossed her arms in front of her chest, but remained quite. She knew when she had lost a battle and she also knew when to keep her mouth shut.

"Alright. Now that that is settled I think that Giles and I should leave some time this afternoon. Probably after Dawn gets home from school. Will that give us enough time?"

"Yes I think it will."

"Good so, Xander take Dawn to school. The rest of us should get started on the research."

"Right, Buff we're off right Dawnie?"

"Right." Dawn picked up her book bag and made her way outside. Xander followed close behind.

"I did the right thing right? You know not letting her come with."

"Yes she does have school tomorrow and shouldn't be allowed to get away from that."

"Okay as long as I did the right thing."

"You did the right thing Buffy. Dawn has school and she was to work at the Magic Box tomorrow. She needs to stay home and learn some more responsibility." Anya chimed in.

"Now I think that we should start looking for this information."

"Yeah lets get started reading these boring old books."

"Well at least you get a break from them. I still have to look through them when you go to pick up Spike." The three people made their way into Buffy's dining room and started to look through the books.


"I mean is it at all fair? I don't think so. I'm the only one who admits to giving a crap about Spike and yet the one who won't even say that she has feelings for him gets to go. I know Spike would probably want to see her more then he will me, but I could tag along. Is that so much to ask for?"

Dawn had been ranting for a good three minutes after leaving the house. Xander let her say what she needed to even though he wished that Dawn wouldn't care about Spike this much. It was like a genetic trait with the Summers women to give a hoot about poor defenseless vampires. Joyce always liked Spike and Dawn seemed to share that same liking. And Buffy, well she more then liked him. She had had sex with him. She obviously cared about Spike, but wouldn't admit it. She didn't have to, Xander knew.

"Dawn I think that maybe you're being a little harsh on Buffy. I... she does... I mean she has to... she has to have some feelings for Spike."

"Sure she does, but she won't admit them. Xander she used Spike to make herself feel better. She pretended like she didn't care, but she did. She won't even give him the decency of telling him that."

"Dawn I'm sure Buffy didn't mean to use Spike. And I'm sure that Spike wasn't the helpless creature in this situation. He obviously wanted to and did because he was a soul-less creature."

"Xander I know that you don't like Spike. Not even a little. And I know that you don't view him as a person, but he loves Buffy. I know that. He can't say no to her no matter what she asked of him. Think about it this way. If Anya offered you even the littlest chance to be in her life wouldn't you take it?"

Xander thought about that. He would most definitely take any chance that was presented to him. Even if it meant cleaning her house. Just to be close to her again as part of her life would be enough for him. Was that how Spike had felt? He just wanted to be part of Buffy's life so badly that he took any chance he got. Dawn could see that Xander was thinking about it. She also knew that he would be stubborn on the matter and eventually pull out the 'then why did he have sex with Anya card.' She would just have to wait for him to use it.

Xander had had enough with thinking about it. Spike and him could not think the same way. Spike was a monster and Xander was a human. He had to convince Dawn that that couldn't be true.

"Then why did..."

Dawn cut him off. "He have sex with Anya. God Xander so predictable. He slept with Anya because Buffy told him that his feelings were made up and in his head. He was angry and hurt. He wanted to be comforted and guess what Anya needed it just as much as he did. She needed some to make her feel special just like he did. You left Anya and Buffy started to shut Spike out and they needed each other's comfort to feel better. Does that mean they don't regret it? No not necessarily. That might not fully regret it, but they feel bad that it hurt the people they loved. They can't go back in time and change things just as much as you can't. It was something they needed at the time."

When Dawn was finished with her speech, Xander didn't know what to say. Some part of him knew that Dawn was right, but he couldn't just change his view about Spike. Spike was a vampire. A demon and had done unspeakable things. He didn't deserve a second chance. He didn't even deserve a first chance.

Now though he had a soul and for some reason that made a huge difference. He would be guilty about the things he did and that would change everything for some insane reason. Xander knew human emotions well enough to tell that Spike was guilty without a soul. So why did it change anything? And why do I still doubt that he's a good guy if I've seen it with my own eyes?

The rest of the way to Dawn's school was made in comfortable silence. Xander was thinking about this vampire-trusting problem that he had and Dawn was just hopping that they hurried back after getting Spike. She was excited that he would finally be coming home. She did really miss him and she wondered if he would be the same. Giles had mentioned that he might be a little insane for awhile, but he still had to be the same Spike.

He couldn't change that much. Dawn remembered Spike telling her a few stories of his life as William. He couldn't remember that much, but he told her things he did remember. A mixture of Spike and William would create the perfect guy. He would be sweet and sensitive, but tough and confident. Kind of like a big teddy bear that looks intimidating, but is soft and mushy on the inside. Dawn looked up and saw that they had arrived at her school.

"Oh we're here already?"

"Yeah, well Dawn have a good day at school. Try not thinking about the whole Spike thing to much." Dawn leaned over and gave Xander a quick peck on the cheek and then said,

"Bye Xander. See ya later." Dawn then jumped out of the car and made her way to school. Xander watched her walk away and knew that she would think of Spike all day at school, but decided that he should just let her. She really did care about the annoying bleached blonde vampire.


Books were thrown and scattered all over the dining room table and floor. They had been looking for hours for something relevant at all. Xander had come over to Buffy's during his lunch break, but had to leave to finish up the job at the Magic Box. Giles had found some more books on prophecies and brought them over for them to research. It was almost three o'clock now and Dawn would be home any minute. Buffy and Giles had packed some stuff and where getting ready to leave as soon as she got home.

Anya put down another huge book that she was reading that had nothing to do with what they were looking for. Nothing seemed to have the information that they needed. The books were like trying to read the sun and she would have to look through them while Buffy and Giles played 'go get the vamp'.

"Uh! I really wish I could just give this up. That has to be like the hundredth book I've looked through. Nothing! There is nothing on this stupid prophecy." Anya said as she threw her hands up in the air and lowered her head.

"I think Anya has a point. There seems to be nothing in these books. We have to keep trying thought. It's not like these books are our only resource. Let's just keep looking until our eyes fall out and then we'll look at the vengeance demon files." Buffy said.

"Easy for you to say. You get a break from your eyes falling out to play rescue hero."

"Anya we are coming back and when we do we'll help. This is just something I have to do. I have to make sure that he's safe... You know because I might need his help in protect this savior person." Buffy added. She didn't want Anya thinking that she needed to know that Spike was safe, even though a little part of her did.

"Yeah pull out the Spike needs to be saved card. We all know about your not so secret relationship with him. We all know that somewhere deep inside that heart of yours you care about him. Some of us just don't like to admit it," Anya said obviously referring to Xander. Buffy sighed. Hadn't she just had this conversation with Dawn last night? Sure she cared, but that didn't mean anything like love.

"Yes Anya. I do care about Spike, but I also need his help. I have to make sure that he is safe from these 'wind' people."

"Sure you only need him for slaying. Typical Buffy."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Look I don't know Spike that well. Besides the fact that I slept with him, but that isn't important because you slept with him and you seem to not know that much about him either. My point is you left him out in the cold and said that you didn't care about him, but what was with the mixed signals? Let him help you slay and prove right in front of your eyes that he had changed, but never admit to it. What is that? You gave him false hope."

"What do you know about the situation? You think that because the two of you did it you think that you know him."

Giles saw that this wasn't going to be pretty. He wanted to side with Buffy, but Anya had a point. Buffy let Spike in, but she never admitted that he had changed. Giles was surprised that he hadn't gone of the deep end already. Giles knew what love could do to a guy and he couldn't image how it must be for Spike how was in love with someone who refused to admit that she obviously needed him. Giles knew that Spike loved Buffy. He could see it in Spike's actions. He didn't jump on the bandwagon that said that Spike could never love Buffy because he was a monster. Giles didn't like Spike as a person, but he had earned respect and that was what Giles had for Spike. Respect.

"Ladies don't you think that we are getting off track here. We aren't here to argue whether Buffy sent Spike mixed signals or not. We are here to research until Dawn gets home and then Buffy and I are leaving." Giles said in a neutral voice. No need to take sides.

Buffy sighed and then said, "Giles is right. We aren't to argue we are here to research. Sorry Anya."

"It's no big deal. You have your opinion and I have mine. Of course I'm not the one riding on a river in Egypt, but I see your point and respect it."


Buffy wasn't sure what to say to that. Anya was the second person to tell her that she was Miss Denial. Maybe they had a point, but if Buffy admitted that she wouldn't have an excuse to say that she didn't have feelings for Spike.

"Alright so where were we?" just as Giles was about to answer Dawn came walking in the door. She looked mildly upset and sort of stressed out. She sat down on one of the dining room chairs and started flipping through a book.

"Rough day?" Buffy asked. Dawn looked like she wanted to hit something or maybe throw something against a wall by the way she was treating the book she was looking through.

"Same old, same old. Boring day at school with boring people. Why aren't you guys on the road yet?" Dawn asked looking at Giles and purposely not looking at Buffy. Even though Dawn knew her sister was right to not let her go, Dawn was stubborn and not ready to forgive and forget. It was a Summers trait.

"We were actually waiting for you to get home." Giles said. He could see that Dawn was still angry at Buffy or at least pretending to be.

"Well I'm here so go. The sooner you get on the road the sooner you get back with Spike."

"So no 'goodbye' or 'have a safe trip'?" Buffy said. She was trying to get her sister to not be angry with her, but she knew that she and Dawn were very stubborn people.

"Goodbye and have a safe trip. Remember to come back in one piece." Dawn said not even looking up from the book she was looking through.

"Okay I guess that we should be leaving now. Besides we should go to the butcher shop to get some blood."

"Already done." Dawn said surprising everyone in the room.

"What when Buffy told me about her first dream I decided to stock up. There is some in the freezer. Don't bother trying to keep it cold, because Spike likes his blood a little warm." Dawn said. It took Buffy and Giles to realize what Dawn had said, but as soon as they did they got up, got the blood, and left.

"Dawn be good and don't give Xander and Anya a hard time."

"Yeah yeah yeah." Buffy knew that she would have to make it up to her sister later and then she and Giles left.

Dawn heard the door close and put her book down. "How long have you guys been researching for?"

"It feels like forever. Let's take a little break. We can keep looking later."

"I'm on that bandwagon. So what was going on before I walked in?"

"Nothing much. Buffy and I were arguing over this whole 'Buffy-Spike thing'."

"Really? What did you tell her?"

"That she is in denial of her feelings for him and that she was leading him on." "That pretty much sums it all up. She just can't see that Spike really does love her and that she really likes him a lot more then she lets on."

"She can't admit it Dawn. That would make everything that she knows wrong. Vampires are evil and that is such narrow thinking that the Council instills in their slayers so that they kill without prejudice."

"But that's wrong right? Not all demons and such are evil?" Dawn was asking more then she was saying.

She didn't think that all demons were bad only the ones that she had seen Buffy slay. Clem and Anya were proof that not all things that looked like they went bump in the night did. And then there was also Spike who had been the Big Bad but had changed.

"That's right Dawn. Not every demon is bad. There are some that are just demons and then there are actual demons that work for the Powers. Of course not all demons are bad." "So then why does everyone think that way?"

"When you are told something over and over again... well it sticks. When you were little you have to remember being scared of the monster under your bed. Humans learn at an early age that monsters are bad and evil, but they aren't always like that."

"Yeah I see your point. You know Anya you're smarter then people give you credit for."

"Thank you Dawn."

"No problem."

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Anya said. "Well I think that we should go do something fun. I mean to get away from all of this research and blah. Let's go out for ice cream or something."

"Sounds great. Let's go." Both women got up and made their way outside and into Anya's car.

Chapter 5:

Buffy stared out of the passenger seat window. They had been driving for at least four hours now. Giles had said that it was be a ten-hour drive from Sunnydale to San Francisco. That was without stopping at night to get some rest. She was currently eating some fast food hamburgers and fries. She had been right about one thing; it was a very boring trip. Either Giles didn't know what to say or he didn't feel like talking.

Buffy was perfectly fine with comfortable silence, but this was the uncomfortable kind. She wasn't sure why all she was there was definitely something on his mind. There was something on her mind too. She was thinking about what Anya had said. Did everyone know that she was Denial Girl, but her? Everyone seemed to be saying it. What was up with that? She would have to get to the bottom of her feelings sooner or later.

She looked over at Giles. He looked tired from all the driving. She would have offered to drive, but her and cars were unmixy things. It was close to eight o'clock and they should be stopping at a rest area anyway. She was tired and was just trying to not let it show. She had been tired for a long time now. She didn't let anyone see it, but she was definitely run down.

"Hey shouldn't we be stopping soon?" Buffy asked Giles.

Giles had been engrossed in his on thoughts. He agreed that if Spike was supposed to help them that they needed him to be strong and healthy, but he question Buffy's motives on the whole thing.

"There is a rest area not to far from here. Just a couple more minutes."

"Good cause I gotta tell you. I'm worn out."

"Didn't you get any sleep last night?"

"Some, but what with the whole guest appearance in Spike's dream I barely got any. I've been feeling like this for awhile now. All worn out and tired. I don't know what it is."

"You're working yourself to hard. You need some rest."

"Like a vacation?"

"A mini-vacation. I guess you could use this as a mini-vacation. Granted it isn't headed to the best place in the world, but it's time off nonetheless."

"Alright. So I'll use this like a vacation. Course your right about it not being the best vacation in the world. I'm going to pick up a vampire that might possibly be souled and insane so he can help me defeat a tree and some wind. Sounds like the perfect vacation."

Giles laughed. She had a way of making everything seem so simple. "Well you do need him."

"Yeah well he seems to think that I won't need him. He says that he's insane or something like that."

"Well I would image that he is a little nutty. He's hearing and seeing his past bad actions. For a vampire like Spike that has to be hard. He could possibly be hallucinating about things. We had better be careful."

"I can take Spike."

"That wasn't what I meant. I mean that we better be careful or we'll set of some of those bad memories. Oh dear maybe you shouldn't have come."


"Well Spike has done some awful things to you. Also you are the slayer and he might see himself killing the other slayers he has killed. It might trigger something big."

"You don't think it will do you?"

"It might."

"So I couldn't even be around him?"

"If it triggers some repressed memories, then yes. Killing a slayer is a big deal and that might make him even more crazy."

Buffy didn't know what to say. She went back to staring out of the window. She hadn't thought about that. She remembered what it had been like when Angel came back from hell and started reliving all his past kills. He had gone loony. If that was happening to Spike how could he be of much help? Giles pulled into a parking lot of a rest area.

"Buffy we're here." Buffy slowly made her way out of the car and walked to the room. She was still thinking about how to get Spike away from the craziness of his memories, but she had no idea about what he was going through.


Spike was sitting in his corner as usual. There was nothing to do on this boat without getting caught. He had checked it out to see what kind of ship he was on and what he could do to keep himself busy. The memories were coming back and it was hard for him to keep quite. He had smoked all his cigarettes without even noticing. He was going insane again, but he had to get it together. Buffy was going to be coming for him tomorrow night and he had to be sane if he wanted to be able to help her in the upcoming battle. He had to get his act together.

He had found out what time the ship would be getting in the docks. At nine tomorrow night. That had to give plenty of time for Buffy to get there. He hoped that maybe she would come back into one of his dreams. He just wanted to talk to her to look at her. It would make things easier. At this point any contact would make things easier. Isolation was taking its toll on Spike. He needed to talk to someone or he was going to go crazier then he already was. He would just have to wait until tomorrow night or hope that Buffy would show up in his dreams again.

Spike lied down in his corner and tried to get some sleep. He was so weak and he needed to rest. Of course he knew that he would most likely not be able to rest, but he had to try. His stomach was growling telling him that he needed to eat. Sleep was the only thing that Spike could do to keep his mind of off the hunger. The fact that he had cut himself before and lost a lot of blood didn't help. He had been trying to cut out his soul in the beginning.

The first two months were spent trying to find away to get the soul out or at least trying to cut it out. He still had the scars on his chest from cutting himself so deeply. They were healing a lot slower then they should have because he hadn't drinking any blood in at least a month. Whatever he had drinking was only a little from various animals he had killed. Rats mostly.

Spike closed his eyes and wished that sleep would come soon. He could live much longer like this. 'S only a one more day, mate. Get a hold of yourself. You can't lose control cuz Buffy needs your help.

After convincing himself that he just had to wait one day he feel into a troubled sleep.


Buffy sat on the bed in her room. It was a small little motel room with a double bed and a small bathroom. Buffy had said goodnight to Giles and went into her room for some much needed rest. It hadn't come as easily as she had hoped. After watching a movie and calling home to make sure things were okay, Buffy was still up and restless. She was really tired and needed to sleep if she wanted to be up to her full strength she would need some rest. She would definitely wanted to be at full strength, especially if Spike was going insane. She would have to be the one to come up with a way to keep things good.

Buffy couldn't help but think about Spike's possible soul. He had said that he had to do something that would help the both of them. He had told her that he had to do it if they stood a chance. He had gotten said soul for her. To make her happy and then she could fall in love with him and they would have the fairy tale ending. He wanted to make her happy. How many times had he tried his hardest to make her happy? Even when they had had their screwed up relationship he only did it to try and make her happy. All the things he had done lately were to make her happy and all she did was turn him away. He thought that he didn't deserve her, but Buffy was beginning to think that she didn't deserve someone who would go to great lengths to please her.

Buffy placed her head on her pillow. She didn't want to think about it anymore. She would see Spike in a day and then she would get the answers that she wanted. Even though she knew the answers to the questions. It was too much for her to think about right now. She just needed to get some sleep and think about it in the morning. One more day and you'll have the answers you're looking for. You'll get to see him and all will be revealed. Buffy thought as she drifted into a restless sleep.


Buffy found herself on the same boat as the night before. She was definitely dreaming again and she would see Spike any moment. Maybe that was a good thing. She could clear the air with him. She looked around to see if she could spot him. There he was again in that same corner curled up in a ball. Only this time he was banging his head against the wall and saying something that Buffy couldn't make out. Buffy stepped closer to Spike to hear what he was saying.

Spike hadn't realized that he was dreaming. It was weird to think that he could be dreaming about being tormented with repressed memories. He didn't even notice that Buffy was in his dream again. He just lay curled in a ball in his corner pleading for the memories to stop.

"Stop. Please stop. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Oh god don't do that." Buffy heard him pleading for something to stop. She rushed over to him and held him in her arms.

"Spike what's wrong?" Spike looked up at Buffy. He was having another dream or he had been sucked into one while he was trying to stop a memory.

"Nothing. I'm... I'm fine." His voice was shaky and uneven. Buffy could tell there was something wrong.

"Spike come on. Tell me."

"I'm fine alright."

Spike got up and shook Buffy's hand off of his arm. He started to run his fingers through his brown-blonde hair. "Spike are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes I'm fine. So, are we doing the whole in each other's dream thing again?" he tried to change the subject. He couldn't let Buffy see him so weak.

"I guess so. I don't know why though." She looked up at Spike. He looked even skinnier when he was standing up. He was so sick looking. "Spike you don't look so good."

"I'm okay, Buffy. I swear. Jus' need some blood and I'll be right as rain." "No you said that you were going insane. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes, pet. I'll be fine and then we'll defeat this Big Bad together. Never told me what kinda demon this new Big Bad was."

"Don't change the subject. You don't look good at all. Please tell mer what is the matter."

"Not here. Not in our dream. I want to be face to face when I tell you."

Buffy knew that she wasn't going to get any more information out of him until they saw each other in person.

"Okay. So when is this ship getting to San Francisco?"

"Nine tomorrow night. Will you make it in time?"

"Yeah almost there. Right now I'm at a rest stop not to far away from the destination."

"So you gonna answer my firs' question are not?"

"Oh. It's not a demon. It's Willow."

"Red? I thought that she was off the magick?"

"She was, but then Warren shot Tara and Willow kinda went all vengency. She killed Warren and his two buddies. Then she went wild with the magic and now she's terrorizing Sunnydale."

"Is Glenda... is she dead?"

"Yeah she is." Spike stood there quiet for a minute. Buffy saw the look on his face. He had liked Tara and that had to come as a shock to him.

Spike didn't know what to think. Buffy had to be going through a lot. Her best friend was now the Big Bad she had to face and bring down.

"So what else happened in my absence that I should know 'bout. Everything okay with the Bit, the Watcher, demon girl, the whelp?"

"Do you actual care if Xander is okay?"

"I happen to care if you care."

"Everyone is good. The Magic Box isn't so good, but other then that."

"How are you holdin' up?"

This is what Buffy missed. Someone to ask her how she was doing during this time. Everyone thought that because it was her duty to bring down the bad guys she would just except Willow as a bad guy and move on. Either that or they were to busy dealing with their own pain.

"Depends on the day I guess. Some days are less painful then others. Then there are the really bad days. The days when I think that I can't make it. I guess I'm just trying to deal with everything, but my brain isn't going as fast as I would like it to. Right now I keep expecting Tara and Willow to be a happy couple. Sometimes I even forget that Tara is dead. It only last for a second and is usually in the morning when I wake up." Spike had come to sit next to Buffy. He was listening to her intently and looking at her. His eyes were filled with concern and understanding.

"So no one has been there for Buffy?"

"They are a little too wrapped up in their own grief. We all don't want to believe it and we barely got to mourn the loss of Tara. I didn't even know that Tara was dead until hours later. Of course that wasn't my fault. I was in surgery trying to be saved from a gunshot wound."

"You were shot?"

Spike couldn't believe that his Buffy had been hurt. "Are you okay? Well of course you're okay, but what happened? Who did it?" Buffy saw the concern in Spike's eyes along with some anger and... guilt.

"I'm fine or well I was fine. Willow did some magic to save me. They said I would have died if she didn't do the magical help. When Warren killed Tara he was really there to kill me. So in conclusion Warren did it."

"If he wasn't dead..."

"Spike calm down. I'm alive and okay. Well not exactly okay, but alive."

"I know its jus'. I don't know. Maybe I could have done something different. If I hadn't have left then maybe I could have stopped it."

"I was outside during the day. There was nothing that would have made things different."

"You're probably right. I jus' don't know." Spike got up and started pacing around. He couldn't take it. He was feeling guilty for things he had no control over. Sure angry and concerned suited him well enough, but guilt wasn't exactly him. He only felt guilt when he hurt Buffy, which wasn't very often.

Buffy watched as Spike paced around the little room they were in. His face was a mixture of emotions, but the one that stood out the most was confusion. He was definitely confused about something.

"Spike are you going to sit down."

"No I don't think so. Lil' jittery nowadays. No more cigarettes to lessen the nerves." Buffy looked around and so what looked like a hundred cigarette butts on the floor.

"Maybe that's because you smoked all your cigarettes."

"Yeah I thought that I had enough to last me this lil' trip, but guess s'not."

"You're worrying me here."

"Come again?"

"You. You're worrying me. You're not acting like the normal Spike. What have you done with Spike? I know that this has to be some sort of alien invader or something."

"Sorry to disappoint, but this is the real me, luv. No alien invaders present."

"Well then what's up? How come you're acting so different?"

Spike ran one hand through his hair and tried to think of some lie to say to her. He couldn't tell her yet. He had to be face to face with her. This was too big and too important.

"Nothin' is wrong. Everthin' is perfectly normal. I jus' need to eat. 'Aven't eaten in awhile." Buffy knew the truth, but he obviously wanted to tell her in person. She thought that maybe it was better that way.

"Alright. I'll take that as an answer for now. I brought some blood along with me so things should be okay."

"Good cuz I need to drink some blood. I need to get up to my full strength."

"Okay." There was an uncomfortable silence. Neither one knew how to get out each other's dream. Last night it had ended after Buffy had kissed him. They weren't sure how to end it.

"I wonder how I get out of here?" Buffy said out loud.

"Don't know luv. How did you get out last night?"

"I just woke up after we..."



Both were silent again. "Do you think that we have to... every time we want to get out?" Buffy said after five minutes of silence. For some reason even though she was asleep she felt like she wasn't. She really needed her rest and she was sure that Spike needed his.

"I don't know. We could try or we could just wait."

"Yeah well what if we what and I never get out?"

"Maybe we control it or something. Maybe last night after we kissed it was too awkward so you thought about getting out."

"I don't really remember what I thought after." Yeah right. You thought about having sex with him right there and then. Don't lie to yourself Buffy. It will only make the situation worse. Buffy thought as Spike walked closer to her.

"Well then I don't know what to do. We could just sit here and wait it out."

"I don't know. For some reason I feel like I'm wide-awake. I really need to get some rest."

"So what do you propose we do?" Buffy wasn't sure. It felt so nice to have him that close to her. She felt like she was lost in his blue eyes.

Part of Spike was wishing that she would kiss him and part of him was wishing she wouldn't. The bloody soul was making everything so damn confusing. He wanted to touch her so badly, but he could still here that little voice in the back of his head nagging him to not do this. That it was wrong because she thought that he was a soulless monster. He just couldn't stop himself from walking closer to her.

"I think that it's worth a try." Buffy said as she finally found her voice.

He was becoming the Spike that she knew and that Spike always knew which buttons to push to get her to do anything that he wanted. "Alright then." Spike gently placed his hand on her cheek and pulled her closer to him. He bent his neck down and closed the space between them by putting his lips on hers. He nibbled on her lower lip and then tried to put his tongue in her mouth. Buffy immediately parted her lips allowing him to deepen the kiss. Their tongues fought for dominance for a good five minutes before Spike pushed away.

The kiss had been a little too intense for Spike and he had to put a stop to it. "Buffy..." He wasn't sure what to say to her. She didn't look angry or confused. If anything she looked... dazed. Buffy just stood there looking off into space. The kiss had been great. Somehow it had never felt like that before. Buffy wasn't sure what to do or think. She didn't even answer when Spike called her name.

"Buffy. Are you okay?" Spike was a little worried that she hadn't talked for over a minute now or he guessed considering he didn't have a watch. Finally Buffy answered him.

"Yeah just a little..." She didn't know what to say. How come now things had changed and not before. It was just the same kind of kiss that they had always shared.

"A lil' what?"

"Confused. Why didn't that work?" Buffy lied, but she wasn't exactly in the mood to go into lengthy explanations.

"I dunno. Could be 'cuz that ain't the trigger or 'cuz we aren't suppose to stop dreaming yet."

"Well we've covered everything right. I don't know why the Powers aren't letting us get some sleep. Do you?" Buffy waited for Spike's answer, but looked around and couldn't see him.

"Spike! Spike, where are you?" Maybe he already left. Maybe he figured out the way and didn't tell her.

"'M right here. Jus' had to do something." He was afraid that he was going to have another flashback, but it quickly faded. "

"Oh well is there anything that you need to tell me?"

"No all bases covered."

"Okay so then why am I still where?"

"Anythin' that you need to tell me?"

"What? No, only... no nothing comes to mind."

"Very strange. Let's try saying goodbye."


"I dunno. Runnin' outta ideas 'ere."

"Okay good bye Spike."

"Good bye luv." Nothing happened.

"Great it has to be late. Very late. What if Giles comes in my room and I'm still asleep. I need to get out of here."

"Well I don't have anything to do other then sit and wait for you to come and get me so I don't understand it."

"Neither do I. Maybe there's something that we're missing."

"All I know is... wait hold on a minute. Do you here that?"

"Hear what?"

"Someone is saying something. Can't make it out right now."

"Maybe you are going insane."

"No I think someone is gettin' close to my hiding spot. Bollocks! How am I..." in and instant Spike was gone leaving Buffy all by herself.

Chapter 6:

Buffy woke up to the sound of her name being called. It was a voice with a British accent, but not the one she was hoping for. It was Giles. There was also some pounding going on. Buffy got up and realized that she was still in the ship. How could I still be here when Spike isn't? What the hell is going on here? Buffy tried to concentrate on getting out, but she didn't know how.

She could hear Giles calling her name, but she had no way of answering him. Crap how am I going to get out of here? Just when Buffy thought that she was out of ideas she found herself in the dingy hotel she had been in last night.

Buffy didn't know how it happened, but decided to take it as a blessing. Giles was still loudly knocking on the door.

"Buffy! Buffy wake up and open the bloody door!" Buffy got up and opened the door.

"Hey Giles." Buffy said in a sleepy voice. Giles looked at her. She looked worn out still, possibly more then she did yesterday.

"Dear Lord! Did you sleep at all last night?"

"No, Spike and I played lets be in each other's dream again and this time I couldn't get out. I woke up and I was still on the ship in the dream. Spike was able to leave hours ago when he heard someone coming. I think that is how I came back. I heard you and I realized that I was needed so I some how got back here."


"You wouldn't find it so fascinating if you were the one being kept up all night. I think we should go. We are supposed to be at the docks by nine tonight. What time is it?"

"Almost noon."

"Well then we better hurry. Did you find out where the docks are?"

"Yes I think that we will manage to get there on time."

"Great then let's go."


Spike was hiding behind a big box of cargo. He had almost been caught last night. He had tried to sit down and rest, but his mind kept working and he couldn't seem to sit still. He kept seeing things about his life that disturbed him. He couldn't help, but shutter at the memories of all the bad things he had done. He just wanted to go back to Sunnydale and hide in his crypt forever.

He knew that he couldn't. He knew that he had to help save the world and prove himself to Buffy. He couldn't just sit back and watch her suffer. He would just have to suck it up. He would only be on this ship for a couple more hours and then it would be back to Sunnydale. Back to his home.


Willow sat on her chair looking at all the witches that were under her control. She couldn't believe that she had influenced so many good witches to the dark side. She had taken control of Rack's customers and made other good witches realize that the good way wasn't the best way to go. They were misguided fools who believed that the fight between good and evil was best fought on the side of good.

"Willow there is a rouse in the seeing area of the sanctuary." Amy said bowing to Willow.

"I thought that I told you never to call me that again. It's dark mistress and what is the commotion about?"

"There is a rousing that concerns them about our cause." "

Amy just spit it out. I'm really getting very bored with your incessant talking."

"The seers detect a force that well blast us down. Something about there being a prophecy to stop you with your powers."

"So I was prophesied. What was this prophecy about?"

"Something to do with the savior and the slayer."

Buffy! Of course it would have something to do with Buffy. The great force of good that would try to foil her plans. I will definitely enjoy taking her down. Who does she think she is? She'll never be able to take me down. Willow thought.

"So Buffy and her gang are going to try and take me down. They are one short considering that they don't have the vampire."

"The Seers have actually seen something about the vampire's situation."


"He is rumored to be coming back. Our witch on the inside at Dawn's school has informed us that the vampire is going to show up soon."

"Oh poor Dawnie thought that she has a friend. I almost feel bad about exploiting her. Good thing that it's almost. The vampire won't make things that much harder then they already are."

"If I may speak frankly the Seers said that the vampire might cause a problem considering he is involved in the prophecy. Should we send an assemblage to take him down?"

"I think so. See Buffy might be there to get him and will have to see how powerful she is. Just to scout. Will have to make alliances with some quite hairy people. After all we are evil. Taking down evil just doesn't seem right anymore."

Amy nodded her head.

"I mean this whole good against evil vengeance against evil doers is getting old fast. Killing bad people is just... boring. I think it's time to really show them how much of a terror I can be."

Amy nodded again. She was just in it for the magick it offered to her. She had heard about Rack and what Willow did and immediately joined forces with her. It was all about the magick for Amy. Of course she did feel above everyone, but she hadn't actually participated in killing a human. Vampires and demons were fair game, but Willow was soon letting the magick corrupt her. Not that Amy complained about it. As long as she had magic.

"So we will just wait and see what happens. That's good."

"Do you doubt that I'm going down the wrong path? Are you questioning me?"

"Stop reading my mind. I have doubts, but I know that you will lead us down the right path."

"I hope that you believe that. But for me reassurance," Willow put her hands to Amy's head,

"This won't hurt a bit." Willow said as she gave Amy a jolt of pure black magic.

The jolt was over and Amy opened her eyes. They were all black.

"So why do you live?"

"To serve you," was Amy's monotone response.

"Good no more doubts. Now please go check how my assembles are doing." "

Yes my dark mistress." Amy left and Willow had a satisfied smile on her face. She dared for Buffy to make a move when her forces were so powerful. She may have Spike, but she had almost fifty troops at her disposal.


"His boat should have been here by now. Giles he said that he heard a noise last night. What if he was caught and something happened to him?" Buffy said not able to hide the worry in her voice. She had a right to be worried. There was history there and she didn't have to say that she had feelings for Spike.

"Buffy will you stop pacing. It's very irritating." Giles said as he took of his glasses and rubbed his head. He was also worried that something might have happened to Spike, but he thought that Buffy could at least contain her worry a little better.

"Sorry Giles. It's just that it's almost ten. Spike's boat was supposed to be here at nine. I'm just wigged a little what with Wills being the big bad and her little gang of witches."

"Well a certain level of paranoia is good to have in these situations. You just have to calm down. Boats are late all the time."

"Okay just chill."

Buffy sat down on one of the many crates that could be found on the dock. So she was a little anxious to see Spike. That was the understatement of the year. It seemed that she kept making understatement after understatement. She wasn't exactly sure she could just sit there and not know what happened to him. What if something had gone wrong? She would just have to sit tight and wait.


Spike made his way to the deck. He could smell that it was night and that he was close to home. To Buffy and everything else he held close to his heart. He had hoped that Buffy would bring Dawn, but he figured that that probably didn't happen. It had to be a weekday. He wanted nothing more then to go back to his home and see everything that he claimed to hate about Sunnydale, but really loved.

It was all waiting for him to come. He slowly sank in to the shadows that were on the boat. He was on the deck and the ship was being tied to the dock. So it would only be a few minutes before he got to see Buffy. He was a little scared that he might go insane guy on her, but he had to try and be strong for Buffy.

The boat was docked and Spike practically ran off of it. He glanced through the shadows to see if he could find Buffy. He searched for her until he came face to face with someone he didn't know or recognize. He figured that it was just some dockhand.

"So this is that vampire. The Dark Mistress didn't say that you were so... weak. This should be easy to get information out of you."

"Sorry Mate, but I don't know what you're talkin bout."

"Please don't play dumb. I know that I was just supposed scout things out, but I couldn't help it. Just couldn't resist getting some information out of you."

"Mate I know that you think that you are going to get information out of me, but you're wrong."

"I have other ways then asking you." The man stuck out his hand and a jet of white light came out.

"No this isn't supposed to hurt, but then again I've never been on the other side of this spell. Oh nice tidbits of information that might help." The man said as he sucked the information from Spike.

Spike stood motionlessly while he could feel important stuff was sucked from his brain. This guy obviously didn't know how this felt. It was like he was being drained of all his energy which wasn't that much to begin with.

"Hum that is some interesting stuff you have stored in your brain. Lots of crap about the slayer and how beautiful she is and her favorite places to be touched, but there is some interesting things that the Dark Mistress will want to know. Like the soul thing. Thanks." The mysterious man let go of his control on Spike and Spike fell to the ground.

"I guess that I took a little more then I should have. It's okay. Your precious slayer is here and she'll find you. Maybe she'll nurse you back to health and you'll get to touch her again. That is if she isn't repulsed by you yet." The man said as he left leaving Spike to lay on the ground unmoving.


"Well I was just saying that nothing could be more boring then research and you go and rent a stupid Star Wars movie." Anya said as she munched on popcorn.

"A New Hope is a great movie." Xander said trying to defend himself.

"Xander I have to admit that Anya has a point. I'd actually rather be reading those boring books." Dawn said.

"I wouldn't go that far. I hate it all. Hopefully the covens will come up with something to do." Anya said.

"Yeah we need to help Willow go back you her original ways. This is our only chance." Xander said with a hopeful tone in his voice. Truth be told he was the only one that had hope that Willow would return to normal. He had kept the hope and it never faltered. Anya and Dawn had their doubts about everything concerning Willow. She had killed people. Maybe not that innocent, but they were people. You don't come back from something like that easily.

"Yeah I just hope that Spike gets back..." Dawn's sentenced had been cut short by a loud thunder-like noise. The front door flew off its hinges and Dawn was glad that she wasn't in its way. Willow came in.

"Willow what're you doing..."Anya started.

"Save it demon. We've come here for the knowledge that you've obtained about the prophecy." Amy said.

"Doesn't she do her own talking." Dawn said with a hint of venom.

"Dawnie don't interfere in matters you know nothing about. Know the information will be sucked out of you even if I have to have magical assistance."

"Willow please listen to me..." Xander tried.

"Bored now." Green light shot out of Willow's hands and she sucked the information from the three people's brains. After she was done the Anya, Xander, and Dawn fell to the ground just like Spike had done when the information was sucked from his brain.

"Sorry to hurt you guys, but I really needed that information." Willow said as she left the house with Amy following close behind.


"Oh for God's sakes we have to search the docks for him. This just isn't like him." Buffy said as she got up and started to walk around the dock.

"Yes I think that you're right." Giles said as he followed her.

She was vigorously searching the docks on one side and Giles started searching the other side. Desperation was coming off Buffy in waves and Giles knew that it just wasn't because Spike was a good fighter. Although there was nothing that he disapproved of more then his slayer falling in love with another vampire there was nothing that he could do about it. Buffy was an adult. She was twenty-two know and could make her own decisions. He had to stand back and realize it some time.

Although sometime hadn't occurred yet and he was hoping that Buffy would not have feelings for Spike and he could just be an ally. That would never happen though. Buffy had strong feelings for Spike and even though she tried to squash them down they would eventually come to the surface.

Giles was looking with less reverence then Buffy when heard her call his name. He rushed over to her as quickly as he could manage. Buffy had been searching all over the dock for Spike. It wasn't like him to just not show up on time. She found him in a crumpled pile on the dock. He looked kinda of like he was in a tortured sleep. Like he had been drained of all his energy and he was sleeping to try and gain it back.

Buffy picked him up and called out to Giles. He wasn't as heavy as she remembered him being. It might have something to do with the fact that he was very skinny and sickly looking. None of that usual cocky badass persona was left or at least not resurfacing.

Buffy felt Spike stir in her arms. She was carrying him like a newly married man would carry his wife over the threshold. Buffy started to make her way back to where Giles and she had waited for Spike's ship to come when Giles came running over to them.

"Dear lord what happened to him?"

"I'm not sure. He's very sick looking though. Not at all as heavy as he used to be." Spike stirred again and a loud moan was heard from him.

"I think that he's waking up." Buffy said to Giles.

"Let's get him to the car." Giles said as he made his way to the SUV and Buffy followed behind him. Halfway to the car Spike tried to open his lazy eyes. He could tell that he was being carried and he knew who was doing the carrying.

"Buffy." Spike said with hoarse voice. His throat was very dry.

"Spike are you okay?" Buffy said as she looked down at him. His eyes were partially opened.

"This a dream?" Spike asked.

"No this is the really thing. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Magic. Some bloody wanker came outta nowhere and sucked some information outta my brain."

"Yeah well it must have been one of Willow's guys."

"Still hard to believe that Red has guys."

"Believe it. She has a whole bunch of diluted witches going along with her. Must have seen that you were coming."

"Yeah..." Spike was cut of from his sentence by another memory.

This one was one that he knew to well. It was when he had killed his first slayer. He saw himself searching for her and goading her on until that final battle where he bit into her neck. If he hadn't been disgusted already he was disgusted when he saw what Dru and he did after he killed the poor girl.

"No! Stop it! I didn't mean it! I was animal! Please just stop! 'M sorry!" Spike started shouting.

"Spike what's wrong."

"Get away from me! 'M a very bad person. All those things that I did. How could you still be near me? All those people I killed." "That is in the past. You're better now. You've been fighting on the side of good for along time now and you help out." Buffy said trying to calm him down.

"It hurts. It hurts too much." Spike said in a barely audible voice. He sounded so small.

"It's going to be okay. Everyone is going to help you get through whatever it is that is bothering you." Buffy said. She held him closer to her as she walked to the SUV. Spike felt safe and comforted. Until another memory popped up.

It was of him killing his second slayer. He saw as he fought the woman on the subway and how she had lost. He could almost feel it when he snapped her neck.

"Ah!" Spike said his scream muffled in Buffy's clothes.

"What is it?" Buffy said.

"No I shouldn't be near you. I killed two slayers and I shouldn't be near you."

"Shhh it's okay. I know that you won't hurt me."

"No you don't know that. The monster has tried to hurt you. I can see it. You shouldn't be near me."

"Spike everything is going to be okay."

"This is okay! How is this okay?"

"I'm saying that it'll be okay." Buffy said as she finally made it to the car. She put Spike in the back seat and sat down next to him. She opened the ice chest that they had brought with blood in it and took out a packet. Giles got in the front and started the car.

Buffy opened the packet of blood that was in her hand.

"Drink this."

"What is it?"

"It's just blood. Come on you have to drink it in order to get healthy again." Buffy said when Spike refused to drink the blood. She put it right in front of his mouth. Spike could smell the blood.

Nothing special about pig's blood at all. In fact it had the weirdest smell and tasted a little funny, but to a starving vampire it was everything. Sure Spike drank pig's blood instead of human blood, but he usually mixed in some alcohol and some herbs that he found in the Magic Box. He couldn't resist the smell though.

He subconsciously liked his lips and Buffy pushed the packet closer to him. He finally opened his mouth and Buffy stuck the packet in his mouth. The coppery fluid filled Spike's mouth and he tried to lap up all of it in one big gulp. He drank from it until all of the blood was gone and then tried to drink more.

"There's more if you want some." Buffy said when she saw that Spike was obviously still hungry.

"Some more would be good."

Two packets of blood later Spike was satisfied and actually trying to rest his mind. They had been driving for about only an hour now. Memories did keep popping up in Spike's head but he tried his hardest to ignore them.

"You look tired, Slayer." Spike said.

"Yeah well I haven't been getting that much sleep."

"The dreams leavin ya feelin less then refreshed?"

"That's it exactly."

"Get some sleep. Don't think that the dream thin will happen tanight."

"Yeah I could use some rest. Although I don't know how I'm going to sleep in a car."

"Lay down like 'm doing, but in the other seats."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. 'M gonna get some rest or at least try. Get some rest."


Buffy said as she climbed into the third row of seats and lay down. She tried to get some rest, but her mind was all over the place. Spike was back and things would at least be a little bit better then they were before. She closed her eyes and thought about what had happened during the three months he was away.

All of the pain that had accumulated while he was away seemed to wash away right now as she tried to get some sleep. He was very strong and always had been the stronger one when it came to emotions. He would help her out of this pit of doom and she would help him regain his sanity.

Spike listened to Buffy as he tried to rest. Every breath that came out of her mouth was like a gift to Spike. Her heartbeat was like a song that sang out to him. He tried to focus on her rather then the nagging feeling that he was evil and had done so many evil things that he didn't deserve to be this close. He was here and damn it he was going to enjoy this moment.

For three months he had been around the world and had suffered a great deal of pain. He went to Africa to get his soul. For her; it was always for her. Although he benefited from it as well. Okay so that remained to be seen, but it was supposed to. He knew that things would turn out all right. She was a strong person and would help him become who he used to be before he left except a little better. He would help her too. He problems had to weigh on her and he would gladly take that burden off of her. They would help each other through this.

Giles drove in complete silence. What do you say to someone who most likely one his soul? Had fought for it with all his might and won. He had so many questions for Spike about how he had gotten his soul, but the poor vampire had looked quite ill. Buffy had been right about him not looking like his usual self. He was probably reliving painful memories as well. He would just have to wait to grill him.

He saw how Buffy had taken care of him and knew that any bad feelings about his slayer and a vampire being together were going to have to be kept to himself. Buffy cared about Spike and it was obvious over these past three months that he was the only person that she felt she could talk to.

His disapproval would only make Buffy isolate herself more. That wasn't what they needed right now. Buffy couldn't shut herself down. No if Spike was the person that Buffy needed then Giles would let it be. He would just except that Buffy needed someone that wasn't him. Besides Spike wasn't a bad guy. He was a really good guy nowadays. He had proven that he deserved their respect. And he had a soul now.

Chapters 7, 8, and 9

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