Mon 1 March - Day 390
My last night here. We've packed and everything has gone save one bag. I've taken photos of my view, the one and only thing I shall miss. It all seems like leaving home. The thing I knew I would miss back in London was the view from my bedroom window.

Even when I was really ill here and laid in bed unable to see I could still see the colours, yellow brick of the building, green of the lime trees and blue of the spring sky.

I shall miss this journal too. Born out my anger and horror and disbelief and need to share the absurdity of it all...the complaint letter that will come out of this WILL help someone else.

We have enabled other people to complain as well.

Thank you to you too, you know who you are. For reading and writing and everything else! Just wait til I have a PC at home and we can start again!

Fri 27 Feb - Day 287
I used to visit a man in the ward upstairs in October. He was 91 and writing his 24th book - a prolific local historian. We talked a lot about writing and in his charismatic way he told me to get started on this journal, to write here and beyond. So thank you to Ivan Green whose obituary we found in the paper today.

I had my service with the nuns from the Community of the Sisters of the Church last Sunday and I am now an associate of the community armed with the cross I have been given.

Thurs 26 Feb - Day 296
Annie does not speak to me once all day.

I walk 8 lengths of the parallel bars = 24 metres.

Good Day.

Wed 25 Feb - Day 285
6am - Express concerns to HCA Karen.

I make more legal enquiries.

The OT, my OT, Marianne is off until next week. She wrote in my notes the proper phased discharge plan, but she's not been here to defend it. It seems coincidence that they want to discharge me Mon am before she can change things.

As I make breakfast Marianne walks in. She asks what she's missed and on hearing immediately takes my notes to the nurses office and refers everyone to the original plan.

It is agreed that I visit the flat on tuesday with Marianne to stay if everything ok and to return if not. Result.

Ann, because she cannot use her hands has had to call out everytime she needs a nurse, even in the night. The indignity is unbearable for her. The unit has failed to get the equipment for Ann and many like her who have come here to use a bell operated with her head or mouth. She and her husband will complain.

Tues 24 Feb - Day 384
Ward Round: Annie and Gaynor the auxillary consultant tell me my discharge is Mon 1 March. I express deep concern. They say I am to be discharged on Monday am so I need to have everything ready, then an OT will visit me in the afternoon to check things. This last part about the OT visit is a concession to me, a sugar coating to make me swallow. I tell them it is unacceptable.

I spend all afternoon trying to find out my legal status.

I catch Claire the neuro-psychologist and I make a time to speak to her tomorrow.

I chat to Ann and ask after Jane, a woman with a Lois Lane hair and Moter Neurone Disease who was here in July. She was fine with only slight slurring of her speech, making her's look like a possitive disease progression but Ann told me that Jane died just before Christmas.

Fri 20 Feb - Day 380
At 6am drugs I tell Kath I need to see the neuro-psychologists. They are people who have championed my cause in the past. She agrees to hand it over to the lead staff nurse on day duty when she comes on.

8am Drugs round: Lead nurse is sister Annie. She asks how I am. I reply 'fine'. 'Are you really?' I reply 'Rather tired.' She asks why. I parry. She tells me it is my anxiety about leaving. She tells me I should have a little chat with the psychologists.

She persists so I explain that I have no anxiety about going but when people keep on saying that I do it is an attempt to undermine my confidence as is applying pressure on me to get out. She goes quiet. Eventually she says she and the auxillery consultant simply want me to be discharged simply and efficiently. I leave to make breakfast.

Fred has been on the ward since December. He cannot use his legs or arms. He is not well liked. Today patient Lee took his mobile phone and made over five pounds worth of calls on it. Lee has only limited speech. Fred decides to confront Lee in the corridor. Fred shouts, Lee smacks him in the face.It has to be broken up. The matter is only resolved when Lee's father pays the money owing.

Tonight as I make supper I hear smashing of glass. It's coming from Den's bed space. Its no accident as more glass, more everything is dashed to the ground. He tells me to let him die in peace. I decide its metaphorical and if not, well I still decide not to call anyone.

Ann arrived in my bay this afternoon. I remember her from her stay here in July. She was in a wheelchair then but things were easy. Now she was hardly recognisable as the same woman, sat unable to move in her wheelchair, no longer able to move her arms, speech deteriorating, spending all her time in bed as the only comfortable place. In short Ann's disease has progressed quickly. She is dying.

After we talk I go to bed. The staff take all the patients off to bed, the first time they will encounter Den's bed space and the mess. I expect to hear them come for brooms. What we actually hear is the emergency buzzer, only sounded here for life threatening situation / respiratory arrest. Its from Den's bay.

Thurs 19 Feb - Day 379
I have new physio this week, Laura. If these are my last two weeks I want to be pushed but she tells me evrything I want to do is unsafe dispite doing it since July. After today's session I ask to have another physio from now on. Its agreed.

I speak to neuro-psychologist Claire about discharge plans. We visit OT Claire and the original plan is confirmed.

Wed 18 Feb - Day 378
8.30am Drug Round: Annie, ward manager rubs hands to me saying 'Well isn't it exciting! I'm gonna get the doctor to do your discharge letter and your TTAs (drugs to take home).' I say nothing and leave the room.

When I return I ask her to repeat what she said because I didn't catch the last part. She looked then repeated. I spoke 'So there's nothing I need to do... I thought you were telling me because there was...' Annie: 'No. Carry on getting washed.' I mouth BITCH to nurse Sue.

9pm: I express concerns over discharge plans to staff nurse Liz.

Tues 17 Feb - Day 377
10.30am Ward round: The ward manager and auxilary consultant tell me that the plan is to discharge me first and then for the OT to visit and check the flat. They would like to discharge me by Friday.

I express my deep concerns and tell them Claire's version. They don't want to delay things. Then grilled on arrangements to finalise move.

7pm: I tell Marlon to note my concerns.

Mon 16 Feb - Day 376
7am: Morning cup of tea. Maggs asks 'In a beaker?' I say 'Whatever.' out of curiosity. I get cup.

I ask OT Claire about the discharge plan. The plan is to visit the flat after all the equipment has arrived and check it. Then for me to have two days home leave. Then if all's well to be discharged.