Fri 20 Feb - Day 380
At 6am drugs I tell Kath I need to see the neuro-psychologists. They are people who have championed my cause in the past. She agrees to hand it over to the lead staff nurse on day duty when she comes on.

8am Drugs round: Lead nurse is sister Annie. She asks how I am. I reply 'fine'. 'Are you really?' I reply 'Rather tired.' She asks why. I parry. She tells me it is my anxiety about leaving. She tells me I should have a little chat with the psychologists.

She persists so I explain that I have no anxiety about going but when people keep on saying that I do it is an attempt to undermine my confidence as is applying pressure on me to get out. She goes quiet. Eventually she says she and the auxillery consultant simply want me to be discharged simply and efficiently. I leave to make breakfast.

Fred has been on the ward since December. He cannot use his legs or arms. He is not well liked. Today patient Lee took his mobile phone and made over five pounds worth of calls on it. Lee has only limited speech. Fred decides to confront Lee in the corridor. Fred shouts, Lee smacks him in the face.It has to be broken up. The matter is only resolved when Lee's father pays the money owing.

Tonight as I make supper I hear smashing of glass. It's coming from Den's bed space. Its no accident as more glass, more everything is dashed to the ground. He tells me to let him die in peace. I decide its metaphorical and if not, well I still decide not to call anyone.

Ann arrived in my bay this afternoon. I remember her from her stay here in July. She was in a wheelchair then but things were easy. Now she was hardly recognisable as the same woman, sat unable to move in her wheelchair, no longer able to move her arms, speech deteriorating, spending all her time in bed as the only comfortable place. In short Ann's disease has progressed quickly. She is dying.

After we talk I go to bed. The staff take all the patients off to bed, the first time they will encounter Den's bed space and the mess. I expect to hear them come for brooms. What we actually hear is the emergency buzzer, only sounded here for life threatening situation / respiratory arrest. Its from Den's bay.