new year confusion
Mood:  caffeinated
well back to the grindstone....another day another truckload of caffine. that is one of the resolutions for this year. i am cutting down on the caffine. too much sugar and caffine is not good for you. water is the answer.
new years was interesting to say the least. i went out with the usual group. we decided to dress up this time. the boys well except for one were in suits and us girls glammed it up with skirts and dresses. i personally had my new favorite outfit on. a tight black skirt with a slit over my knee with heels and this awesome coral scoopneck sweater, curly hair and wicked awesome makeup oh hell yes...
i don't think that i have ever been hit on by that many strange people in my entire life. it was mildly entertaining. i didn't drink a drop either. that is another resolution- to cut back on my drinking. i thikn that it might be starting to get out of control.
the night wasn't all smiles and laughter. i am still confused as hell about what to do with him. we are friends but there is something there that is driving me nuts. i know that he cares about me but oh hell.....why am i torturing myself like this. i wish that i could just turn away and not even bother with it anymore but i can't...as much as i don't want to admit it i love him. there is nothing that i wouldn't have done to take away the pain that he was feeling new years eve but i couldn't. i didn't know what to do. it broke my heart to see him like that. i know what it is like to love someone who is never going love you back. i have gone through that particular joyous circle of hell for the last seven years and now Chris is dating someone else...tiffany. that is just great. my best guy friend who i finally have slept with after doing this wierd i like you but don't know what to do about it dance with for seven years and three weeks later he is dating one of my good friends. bloody fantastic.
i know that there is nothing that i can do to make Dom feel better. he is going to love Leslie not matter what i do. he knows that i am here if he needs me. the nice thing about it was that he refused to talk to Becky....he wouldn't tell her what was wrong and i know that he definately wouldn't have gone outside to talk to her. i know that it shouldn't make me feel good but it does. it is nice to know that he trusts me as much as i trust him.
i can't beleive that he is worried about me holding him in a higher regard than Brandon. if he would have let me finsh my sentences he would have found out that i do but no can't let me do that.
the thing that is bugging me is that he talks about me to one of his work buddies. what the hell!? he didn't explain what he meant by what he said about me either. how am i part of the problem? he wants to be friends and that is what i am doing and now i am confused as hell on what to do. is it a good prob or a bad prob? something that is going to make us better friends or ruin it all together? grrr.....

new year equals new thoughts
Mood:  party time!
well well well....the start of the new year is upon us and yet i am stuck on the past. there is no way to escape the past i suppose. it is what shapes you into who you are. i personally am becoming increasingly happy with who i am but still i am haunted by the decisions of the past.
the new year is a time for resoulutions and i am not really sure what to make mine.
there are the typical ones of course-the ones that have been on the list for years in the vain hope that this might be the year that they finally are acheived.
i think that the one that is topping this years list is the need to try new things. i have settled into a bit of a rut and that certainly isn't me. i want to be the one snowboarding down everest...okay maybe not everest, swimming in the ocean, being happy with where i am and who i have become. there is a part of me that isn't sure if i like the person that i am. i know that i do but it is my frienemies. they all expect a certain attitude and reaction to each situation and lately i am confounding them by not giving them the one that they expect. i have decided that maybe feelings are not such a bad thing after all. i mean how horrible is it to admit that you care for someone. granted it rips your still beating heart out when they tell you that they want to be friends but that is something that makes you stronger and the better for it.