oh lord
Mood:  silly
well it has been a while since i have written anything in here.

i found out a couple of weeks ago that i am pregnant with dom's baby. he is majorly freaked which is a totally acceptable thing but he needs to decide what he wants to do since i need to know what he is going to do to know what i am going to do. the irony in all of this is how true my book has really become. i mean think about it. dom and i have been friends for a while and we have this wierd relationship where we really don't admit how we feel about each other but everyone else knows and thinks that it is the most sad pathetic but funny thing that they have ever seen so what the heck.
now i am pregant and i am thinking that it is a little girl but that might just be wishful thinking on my part. i dont' really know what he wants. when i mentioned a little boy his eyes kinda lit up but i know that the first time our daughter called him daddy or hell the first time she looked at him with those soulful blue eyes he would be a goner. i know that she (or he) is going to end up with dark hair and blue eyes. there are very good odds of ending up with blue eyes considering he has them and all of my family does so i have the genetics for it.

last night was different. it was like old times when he was sweet and caring and loving. it probably isn't helping my addiction to him that we slept togeher last night. i don't even think that he realized that he was doing it but in the middle of the night he rolled over and curled around me like a protector. it was so sweet when i woke up this morning. i have to admit i was a little sad when he didnt' hold me like he usually does but he was super tired. then to wake up to that made me really happy.
people act on pure instinct when they are asleep. it is great to know that deep down he cares about me and this baby. i know that he does and he has even told me as much but this was kind of proof that is always nice to have.

i dont' know if anything will ever come of it. we work. neither one of us wants to admit that we are the most dysfunctional yet functional couple ever but we are. everyone already thinks that we are together. it is crazy. no matter what we keep coming back to each other and it is insane. i mean i am probably more at fault then he is. i am the one who creates the issues and that really isn't a good thing. i am working on it.

all i want now is to have my child and keep my best friend and we will see where the road take me and him and the baby from there........

drama sucks
Mood:  quizzical
okay here is my main question. why does everyone feel the obsessive need to make all of their problems my problems. i really don't care and i dont' want to know. if i ask you fine then i actually do but if you just come up and randomly start talking to me about all of the things that are wrong in your life odds are that i am not going to care. i am going to sit there and polietly listen while daydreaming of somewhere that people can't find me but i will listen and give you the same advice that i do everytime you bring me the same trivial problems. oh heaven help me.

there are times when i really want to quit my job and then there are the times when i doesn't seem so bad.

oh yeah did i mention that i still have no idea what the hell i am doing with Dom. i swear. five minutes today and i wanted him to just hold me and tell me that i was going to be okay and that it would all work out for the best in the end. then there was the urge to smack him up side the head with something heavy like my desk chair.

then there is ryan. he likes me. i know that he does and i care for him too it just isn't the same way that i care for Dom and there is nothing to talk about with ryan. there is always things to talk about with Dom. i dont' know if ryan will ever understand me and why i do the things that i do. there is a method to the madness that is my life and it is something that you can't just step back into and immediatley understand after 4 years. i am not the same person that i was back then. not even close. there is so much that changed. there is so much that has happened that i don't know if i can go back. plus there is the whole he is super furry thing and i don't know if i could deal with that. i mean i have had the perfect male speciman for the last 8 months and then there is a guy who would actually date me but he is proof that yetis exist.
i know that it is completely superfical but i can't help it. it just some thing that i don't think i am ever going to get over. plus there is just something missing and i can't put my finger on it. i think there is a definate lack of chemistry on my part. i mean i like him and he is a great guy and it would be fun but i have not passion or desire to have him with me and that would be something that i don't think i could live without.

aaaaahhhhhhh........

i need a vacation.....

thorazine and padded walls here i come.......
Mood:  quizzical
it has been one of those weeks were you are not really sure what is going to happen next.

first on monday i find out that grandma only has like a month left to live and then i start bawling. that is something that i just don't do. it is girly and i am anything but.

after i finally was able to talk on monday while i was sitting at the picnic table waiting for brandon to pick me up since i am still sans car. the only person that i could think to call was Dom. how great is that. he didn't answer so i left him a message and he called me back about five minutes later and i told him the whole thing and he calmed me down as usual and even made me laugh.

we joked about the fact that i was in the grip of a nervous breakdown and the only person that i could think of to call was him. that is great...just great.

so fast forward to wednesday....i text him something inane like hurray for re-runs..nothing too intellectual. i get something back about running his car off of the bridge. and he is serious as a heart attack. i asked him what was wrong and he didn't want to tell me. eventually he said that he would call me back and he actually did. i almost died of shock before i could answer the phone.

as per usual it was about Leslie. he just found out that she has been single for a week and she didn't tell him. i really want to hit him in the back of the head with something big and heavy. she doesn't think of you in that way..she never will and you need to move on before you miss something great. and i don't just mean me. at least he admits that he is obsessed. he even apologized for ever making me feel like he did.

i decided that i was sick of sitting in the house while i was talking mainly because there was nothing to do so i went for a walk. i made some comment about stars and it being beautiful and next thing i know i am getting asked if i want to walk over there.

i make jokes about it being too far and too cold but of course i do. somehow on the way over i start ranting about my problems and part of me knows that he is happy about that because it is a lot easier to fix other people's problems than deal with your own.

eventually i get over there and next thing i know he has a t-shirt for me to slip on before i even ask. eventually i get up off the bed and put it on and then lay back down. he pulls me to him and tucks me in his arm. he starts to run his hand up and down my back. i don't think there is anything more relaxing.

he keeps wetting and biting his lips as do i. eventually he kisses me and from then on it is pure passion tinged with sweetness. he keeps looking into my eyes and then when it was over, he leaned down and kissed my shoulder. he hasn't done that in months. he lays down naked doesn't jump up and wander around like he normally does but pulls me into his arms and we fall asleep. i wake up to him curled on his side and pull him to me. i want to be in those arms again. we spoon and fall back asleep. it is great.

now i am confused again. it woudl be nice if there weren't any mixed signals for me to misunderstand. sometimes it sucks cuz i know that if leslie ever wakes up and realizes what she has it will be all over for me. i just wish he could let himself be happy with me. it could be something awesome.

yah life!
Mood:  vegas lucky
it is funny how the things that could be in life motivate you and make you realize that there are things that you have been putting off.

i turned out to not be pregnant. thank god for small favors. i talked to Dom and we have decided finally what we are. FWB i guess that really isn't that bad especially since i am going to go back to school. i need to get started on that. i hav eput my life on hold long enough it is high time that i started to work on what i want to do and what i want out of life.

when i asked Dom what i should do with my life he told me that i should go into psyc. i suppose that wouldn't be too bad. i mean i know that it is something that i am good at and it is somewhere that i could actualize the potential that i have. it might be okay.

life is good and i have a feeling it is going to stay that way.

i need a vacation
Mood:  not sure
oh good goddess this is horrible. i can't beleive that i might actually be pregnant again. that is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen right now. that is all i need in my life is a baby. i have enough trouble trying to take care of myself. amanda is not helping either. i am actually ready to kill her. if she could keep her big mouth shut it would be okay but no apparently that is too much to ask. i wanted to hit her when she just yelled it out throughout the building.
her little comments about how she just knows really didn't make me all that happy either. i was to a point where i wanted to slug her again. she just doesn't know when to quit. maybe that is why she is losing friends fast. they all are really getting sick of her attitude. huh that might be something that someone should tell her...nah let her figure out on her own.
i am going to talk to Dom tonight. i am going to tell him that i can't do this anymore. i can't play whatever the hell it is that we are. i have a couple guys that would love to date me and make my dreams come true but deep down i don't want them. i want hima and he knows it. i have to tell him that i messed around with Ben and i am not looking forward to that either. i am not sure how he is going to react to the whole thing.
can you imagine what his reaction is going to be if i am pregnant? he will hyper-tweak oh hell i hope that i'm not yet at the same time there is a little part of me that is hoping that i am. is that horrible. i know that right now the last thing that woudld work in my life is a baby but i can't help thinking it is the back of my mind. it would be aawesome to have a little baby boy that is all my own. i know that if i am it is going to be a boy. i can tell.

what the heck......
Mood:  incredulous
now i am confused beyond all measure. i thought that dom and i had reached this great happy place where all we were was just friends. what the hell. so i go out with brandon on monday night since he and i haven't hung out just the two of us in forever and Dom and a couple of his friends are out there. so dom and brandon play this retarted bowling game for a while. after a while dom and one of his friends decided that they are going to the rock and that me and brandon should come along so i get drug out there. while we are at both bars dom is buying me beers which is confusing me since that is something that he just doesn't do. oh well anyway.
so we are out at the rock and sitting there while him and his friend are playing pull tabs just talking and laughing like old times. brandon told him about the list and the rating system and that he was one of the top three but only a 4.5 out of 5.
so he is thinking about leaving and asks me if i am going to follow him. that in itself just shocked me to no end. so i ended up going to his house and having great sex. wow...it was more than just sex and that is what he told me last night. he told me that he is confused too. that really doesn't help me much. i was honest with him and told him where i am so i don't know if that does me any good. we'll see i guess.
i told him that i have three categories of friends. there are the ones that joke around with that i know nothing is going to happen like brandon then there are the ones that i occasionally mess around with like tom but i still know where i stand with and then there are the ones that i have no frieken clue like him. he said that he would say but him in the category where we occasionally mess around but it went further than that. bloody hell.
what do i do? i know that i love him and i can't tell him that unless i never want to speak to him again. he will run like hell if i say that but at the same time it is like what i told him. i dont' want to be the pushy girl but if i don't i end up staying confused and in this wierd place and i don't like that.
i told him too that i had finally gotten to the place where he was just a friend and then this happens. now i am back where i was two months ago. okay i am back to the confused place that i was two months ago.
grrrr......

new year confusion
Mood:  caffeinated
well back to the grindstone....another day another truckload of caffine. that is one of the resolutions for this year. i am cutting down on the caffine. too much sugar and caffine is not good for you. water is the answer.
new years was interesting to say the least. i went out with the usual group. we decided to dress up this time. the boys well except for one were in suits and us girls glammed it up with skirts and dresses. i personally had my new favorite outfit on. a tight black skirt with a slit over my knee with heels and this awesome coral scoopneck sweater, curly hair and wicked awesome makeup oh hell yes...
i don't think that i have ever been hit on by that many strange people in my entire life. it was mildly entertaining. i didn't drink a drop either. that is another resolution- to cut back on my drinking. i thikn that it might be starting to get out of control.
the night wasn't all smiles and laughter. i am still confused as hell about what to do with him. we are friends but there is something there that is driving me nuts. i know that he cares about me but oh hell.....why am i torturing myself like this. i wish that i could just turn away and not even bother with it anymore but i can't...as much as i don't want to admit it i love him. there is nothing that i wouldn't have done to take away the pain that he was feeling new years eve but i couldn't. i didn't know what to do. it broke my heart to see him like that. i know what it is like to love someone who is never going love you back. i have gone through that particular joyous circle of hell for the last seven years and now Chris is dating someone else...tiffany. that is just great. my best guy friend who i finally have slept with after doing this wierd i like you but don't know what to do about it dance with for seven years and three weeks later he is dating one of my good friends. bloody fantastic.
i know that there is nothing that i can do to make Dom feel better. he is going to love Leslie not matter what i do. he knows that i am here if he needs me. the nice thing about it was that he refused to talk to Becky....he wouldn't tell her what was wrong and i know that he definately wouldn't have gone outside to talk to her. i know that it shouldn't make me feel good but it does. it is nice to know that he trusts me as much as i trust him.
i can't beleive that he is worried about me holding him in a higher regard than Brandon. if he would have let me finsh my sentences he would have found out that i do but no can't let me do that.
the thing that is bugging me is that he talks about me to one of his work buddies. what the hell!? he didn't explain what he meant by what he said about me either. how am i part of the problem? he wants to be friends and that is what i am doing and now i am confused as hell on what to do. is it a good prob or a bad prob? something that is going to make us better friends or ruin it all together? grrr.....

new year equals new thoughts
Mood:  party time!
well well well....the start of the new year is upon us and yet i am stuck on the past. there is no way to escape the past i suppose. it is what shapes you into who you are. i personally am becoming increasingly happy with who i am but still i am haunted by the decisions of the past.
the new year is a time for resoulutions and i am not really sure what to make mine.
there are the typical ones of course-the ones that have been on the list for years in the vain hope that this might be the year that they finally are acheived.
i think that the one that is topping this years list is the need to try new things. i have settled into a bit of a rut and that certainly isn't me. i want to be the one snowboarding down everest...okay maybe not everest, swimming in the ocean, being happy with where i am and who i have become. there is a part of me that isn't sure if i like the person that i am. i know that i do but it is my frienemies. they all expect a certain attitude and reaction to each situation and lately i am confounding them by not giving them the one that they expect. i have decided that maybe feelings are not such a bad thing after all. i mean how horrible is it to admit that you care for someone. granted it rips your still beating heart out when they tell you that they want to be friends but that is something that makes you stronger and the better for it.