Hymns to The Potato God

Bill Clinton: Put your hand inside the Potato head...

What's a good religion without annoying music? We here at the Potato God Worship Center hve taken it upon ourselves to create several hymns for your use, and set them to the tunes of well-known jazz standards and other music. In time, perhaps we will add sound files so that you, the average worshipper with no musical talent, need not even actually sing them. But for now, warm up your vocal cords, and fill the air with song:

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(To the tune of Herbie Hancock's "Watermelon Man," the title of which I'm sure was a typo.)

It's---- the Potato God.
It's---- the Potato God.
Won't you bow down to our Starch-Based Savior?
Good is He who grows in dirt, I'll wager.
He's the One Tuber: The Potato God.

Go---- to the promised land.
Pil----- grimmage is so grand.
In Peru 300 types were grown, so
Incas were the chosen people, we know
They were true to The Potato's command.

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(To the tune of "Chameleon," also by Herbie Hancock)
Note: The names used in this song are not meant to indicate a divine preference. The Potato loves all of his children, even the ones with weird names that don't rhyme with anything, like "Stentor" or "Redjep."

He's our--Starch-Based--Savior, yeah---
(Bass line: Bow down to The Tuber, Bow down to The Tuber! [repeat indefinitely]

He's the--Pota--to God, He cares!
Worship Him daily, Bailey!
He will--answer--all of--your prayers.
(Results may vary, Larry!)
He has pow'r to do whatever he wants.
His be the glory, Cory!
He speaks Sanskrit, Finnish, and Afrikaans.
Hear the sacred word, Edward!

Bring him--sacri--fices of chives.
Burnt on his altar, Walter!
Become--martyrs--give him--your lives.
Don't be a sissy, Missi!
Omnipotent and all-seeing is he.
He knows the weather, Heather!
He would be great if he e'er played hockey.
He'd get a hat trick, Patrick!

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(to the tune of "In The Mood," as performed by Glenn Miller. One voice or group sings the unbracketed text (originally the sax line), and the rest sing the [bracketed] text (originally the brass line))

Instrumental intro

Will you worship Yahweh, also called Jehovah? [no way--]
When you hear Mohammed, will you worship Allah? [say "nay"--]
How about the Goddess, will you practice Wicca? [you'll pay--]
Will you learn the teachings of the man called Bhudda? [don't pray--]
Will you find the Hindu gods and praise Sri Krisna?
[We know if you learn to, you'll return to The Potato God's true way--]

Will you read the Bible, Old or New Testament? [stop it--]
Make a graven image or an idol invent? [just quit--]
Will you be faith-healed in an evengelist's tent? [you twit--]
Will you hold a human sacrifcing event? [dimwit]
Will you follow a star from the far Orient?
[Don't do it without The Potato God's consent--]

Christmastime [too bad]
Tuber won't let you, Ramadan [so sad]
He'll just forget you, Passover [egad!]
Wrath will beset you,
[Potato God is vengeful if you sin he'll get you.]

Jade Bhudda [for shame!]
Throw it away now, Advent wreath [it's lame]
Trash it you may now, Menorah [the same]
It's an ashtray now,
Potato God worship is here to stay now!

Solo section: Improvise praise to the One Tuber

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(To the tune of "Particle Man" by
They Might Be Giants)

Potato God, Potato God
Doing some things you might find quite odd
College students made Him up,
Potato God
Whether He's baked, or whether He's fried
He'll save your soul after you have died
What was Dave thinking that day at Frank?
Nobody knows, Potato God.

Some normal god, some normal god
Some normal god hates Potato God
They have a fight, Potato wins
Potato God

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(To the tune of "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day)
This song commemmorates the Big Potato, a statue in the town of Robertson, NSW, Australia. Read more about the Big Potato

Another turning point,
A quiet country road.
Sign grabs your steering wheel,
Directs you where to go.
Won't cost a cent, it's cement
That's painted brown.
Built by some farmers
To bring fame to this small town.
It's something truly wonderful,
It really made your day.
I hope the Big Potato will stay.

Take lots of photographs
From each angle you find.
Hang them on your wall
To keep it in your mind.
Go buy some pies
From the shop on the right.
Once you're here,
You'll be here all of the night.
It's something truly wonderful,
It really made your day.
I hope the Big Potato will stay.

It's something truly wonderful,
It really made your day.
I hope the Big Potato will stay.

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Contact the Pope: eemeet_meeker@hotmail.com

All material © 1999-2001 by Eemeet Meeker Online Enterprises, except the stuff we stole from other people as indicated in the credits.