"I've got to have something to wash the toast out of my nostrils!" - Chelsea
"Sure... when the MOON freezes over!" - Alex
"Wessel isn't that little." - Chelsea
"Give me a pack of cards and I'll play with myself." - Daniel*
"Alex, I don't think you're ready for more." - Cam
"I'm a weirdo and I like lumberjacks." - Alex
"Well, my dad's got a 36 inch one!" - Chelsea
"Cameron, come into my room so I can show you my bone." - Alex
"Wik and Nessle are coming." - Elanor
"It wasn't a quote - it was supposed to be seedy." - Alex
"I woke up and the only person in my bed was Alex." - Chelsea
"Half that went down my wind-pipe and the other half... pope." - Elanor
"Get it all in there and I'll do it later." - Chelsea
Chelsea: "And now you're having an affair with Mr Armstrong!"
"Mmmmmmmm, Elvis." - Chelsea
"I'm just going to change my pants, I've just dribbled on them." - Alex
"I hate screwing people for money." - Chelsea
"Would you like to up yours?" - Ngaire* misquoting a real estate agent
"At least I had contraception." - Chelsea
"It's the same size as everyone else's!" - Elanor
"You've got a gigantic phallus." - Chelsea
"Ha! I beat you up this morning!" - Elanor
"Pedro's got my leg and it's not cramp!" - Chels
"Yes, this one is definitely sticky." - Ngaire*
"I unbuttoned my shirt and the spoon disappeared!" - Cam
"I'm drunk? And exactly how?" - Alex
"Here, I'll shove this Nick on." - Alison
"Tony's got one of those bodies you read about." - Elanor
"Narik's... you know... friendly." - Alex
"Come on... bend over!" - Cam
"I try to get down there early and get in before he locks the house." - Elanor
"Whose bollocks?" - Chelsea
"Lance is keeping me awake at night." - Elanor
"I'm gonna try me and Greg now." - Chelsea
"I used to get really high with someone... who was it?" - Elanor
"It's better than a dead foetus!" - Chelsea
"Monkey see, monkey do. I'm a gorilla!" - Alex
"You know how I am with reactions, I don't have any." - Chelsea
"We always slept together on Scouts." - Elanor
"Do I have to take off my shirt to settle this?" - Alex
"Tudor, oh Tudor." - Vanessa*
Alex: "You didn't see where I was, did you Elanor?"
"Everyone knows all politicians are honourable." - Chelsea
"That's the reason I didn't lick it." - Alex
"I think I'll just go back to my Michael Galvin dreams." - Chels
"All the little willies skip around." - Rita*
"This is my idea of foreplay." - Chels
"No one is allowed to wear trousers at my wedding." - Andrea*
"Cameron, can you take me?... have you got time?" - Elanor
"I might stay straight." - Alan*
"Although I do have some nice runs." - Cam
"He's quite preppy-looking. I mean, without his clothes." - Chels
"Don't make me insert that in you." - Cam
"I don't think I ever have seen you kiss anyone, but by all means do..." - Elanor
"I had her about seven times!" - Alex
"They were having this huge hug and then Chelsea hurt herself." - Elanor
"No variation." - Alex
"You have a wicked sense of humour, that inspires fear in the hearts of mortal men." - Vanessa*
"Cameron and I love each other." - Chels
"Find Ali a woman!!!" - Alison
"I'm going to drink so much I go insane." - Chels
"You're a girl with nipples." - Alex
"If I was being paid, I'd be professional!" - Chels
Chelsea: "One of them had sex with a guy!"
"Hey! You're rubbing too long and too hard!" - Chels
"I was going, 'swallow, swallow, before anything else happens, swallow!'" - Elanor
Ali: "Where did you get Mike Sanders' number?"
"What? Have you never seen anyone do it on a table before?" - Alex
"Something's gotten hold of my heart... look! It's Tony!" - Chels
"Go ahead, put the banana in." - Bryan*
"That was the most inappropriate place you could have put that, Alex." - Chels
"Not only is there blood in my urine, but it's damn cold out here!" - Ryan Stiles*
"There's even more flesh up there!" - Chels
"You noddled and smiled." - Cam
"Glenn, is your wife at home?" - Bryan*
"Are you all right?... you beautiful woman." - Chels
"I'm not looking!... how old is she, anyway?" - Alex
"I'm just going to chase some guys." - Bryan*
"Let's do it with apples, it's more fun." - Chels
"I could do it to you if you wanted." - Alex
"Luckily, it's all in my mouth." - Chels
"She only had her hands inside the clowning layer." - Bryan*
"I must have had such a good sleep last night because I'll continue that when you come out." - Elle
"We've got nothing in common. I mean, she's got a baby and I DON'T have a baby..." - Chels
Elle: "You're good, aren't you Bryan?"
"I love Shannon." - Chels
"Cam, can I get you to take me somewhere?" - Alex
"Are we all risen up tonight?" - Monica*
"I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was violate Cameron." - Chels
"Call me, 8366914." - Tasha*
"I just had this... guy feeling..." - Elle
"It's just not a good day for air flows, is it?" - Cam
"Yeah! 14 seconds!" - Chels
"I don't want to sleep with Chelsea any more." - Tasha*
"Are you offering?" - Noo*
"The bigger the lump the better." - Alex
"Why don't you have any clothes on?" - Noo*
"It was just travelling too fast. It went down and through the other end." - Alex
"Alex you should put some clothes on." - Lynda*
"You just can't vibrate fast enough." - Noo*
"I would have taken more advantage of her than that." - Alex
"I pedal with the middle thigh." - Cam
"I must be too sober, I'm still getting it in." - Alex
"There's been a lot of coupling going on lately - Katherine & Chelsea." - Bryan*
"All I've got to do now is the fridge." - Ali
"It's not as if you're doing anything exciting - I made muffins!" - Elle
"Damn sexy, you and Pat, in front of a roaring fire, naked." - Chels
"Hey, I've got an idea! Ménage a trois!" - Alex
"I wouldn't be breeding if it was Mark." - Chels
"I'll get Chels, she's easy." - Alex
"Then when she walks in we'll snab her." - Elle
Chels: "He gives me material things."
"Taibo - my favourite Asian martian art." - Mark*
"The meat gets hard when it's cold." - Alex
Chelsea: "Everyone was talking about you and Kit in the back seat of his car."
"Let's go get it on in memory of JFK junior." - Elanor
"That guy's as dead as that horse over there, running around in the paddock." - Cam
"Dead, dead as a horse." - Chels
"A hump is good. You have to have a hump." - Narik*
"Ideally I'd be sitting on your face now." - Chels
"Let's pray for all those who are groping in the dark." - George the Vicar*
"I'm going to test your knowledge of various parts of the body." - Chels
"I can drink quite a bit and still be straight." - Alex
"Thanks for the wink and the nod, Bryan." - John*
"I'll get a knife and we'll settle this once and for all." - Elle
"Don't push my button, please!" - Blakey*
"I was in bed and I was bored." - Glenn*
"My mother has only ever slept with one man to get a job." - Chels
"I wish I'd never told you about my mother's sexual history." - Elle
Chels: "The thrill of the chase."
"It's not pleasant, bounding across the bathroom with your pants down around your ankles." - Chels
"Dave would have to come with Kathryn so we wouldn't be any better off." - Elle
"I love Yvonne, but some people love dogs." - Rod Dove*
"Microwaves don't talk like me." - Elle
"That would be so embarrassing, if you confused reality with fantasy." - Chels
"I mean, who doesn't want to bunt someone?" - Elle
"I'm not a bus." - Ali
"I never thought there'd be a civil defence emergency after I was married." - Chels
Chels: "It said 'man'."
"Hey, everyone! Look what I've shaved this year!" - Chels
Elle: "It's cooking for real people."
"Alex is a guy. And he's not a small guy." - Ali
"Let's have a quick one before Mark arrives." - Chels
"It's just that every time I look at Blair now, I think of Bryan." - Elle
"Rub it. Rub it! RUB IT!!!" - Chels
Noo*: "He's interested in this French chick."
"I like the way my mouth feels when I say that." - Chels
"I could do graphs and stuff. And work out theories about people who are alive." - Noo, on her future career
"You're in my room, I can do what I want." - Chels
Chels: "I just don't think I'm doing anything right."
* denotes erstwhile visitor, non-flatmate, superfluous and confusing being
"Home again, home again, jiggity jig!"
[Ma Soeur] [Quotes] [Namesake] [Monologues] [Poetry] [More Monologues] [Home]
Elanor: "Well, that's to be expected."
Elanor: "No, but I could feel it Alex."
Elanor: "Ewwwwwwwwwww!"
Chels: "Your bra."
Ali: "That's the old one!"
Bryan*: "Yes, very good."
Alex: "Such as sex."
Alison: "It wasn't Kit, it was Kahn."
Cam: "The Milo chase."
Ali: "That meant sexy."
Chels: "Fat people."
Chels: "From where?"
Noo*: "That's what happens when your parents get killed."
- Eileen Wintle
