Veronika Poems 3



Rapturous Superfluous Times
Days pass upon days like grains of sand on a beach
What was once superfluous is now very logical
The days of the old not forgotten
They're just not as emotionally warping as they used to be
You caress the new love you've stumbled upon
You remember how surprised you were to find it
Even though all the time it was right under your feet
Past occurrences now not hated like they once were
Wicked deaths now a blissful freedom
Deeply concealed feelings now freely flowing
And you find yourself unable to revert to your old ways
So many times you've come crying to now a days
Begging me to rid you of your self-inflicted pains
Demanding I don't let you return to yourself
For you've become determined to leave that body behind
Yet you're puzzled as to how you can accomplish that
Your past is your past, it's a part of you
You'll never forget that, but you do forget
That your present is your present and future
And it's the only important time for you now
You know you can't do anything about the past
Yet you are living in fear of it
Once again you think back to those rapturous superfluous times
But for once you forgive yourself for your mistakes
You no longer desire to be engulfed in those voluptuous acts
For that loved one who holds you so closely and so dearly
Has let you know how irrelevant those past things are
He loves you for who you are now, not then
For he didn't know you then, and doesn't wish he did
So no longer do you fear past
For you realize you're no longer your past
And now you just lay with him and dream of the blissful future

Clouds
Fallacies grow thin as the truth starts to increase
What once held you close is now pushing you away
You can feel your heart collapsing inside your chest
You miss those soft words that used to support it
You feel empty relying on yourself for joy
You feel abandoned by those by those you loved
Even though they're really still there for you
You just can't see them though your dense clouds
Clouds of hate, clouds of deeply embedded discontent
You try to rid yourself of them only to discover more pain
You curse your friends for not helping you
Yet your friends are crying because you won't let them help you
The black circle of death has completely surrounded you
You can't escape it, you never will even try to
Its cold shadows slowly work themselves deep inside you
Your heart gets colder and colder, then your emotions follow
You search for corners to hide in to protect yourself
You light candles to try to keep the dark away
But the circle knows what you're doing and makes a wind blow it out
You become possessed with the most outrageous fear
You think that somehow you've failed your friends
But one of your friends keeps trying to save you
He brings little specks of light to you everyday
And you save those specks and anxiously await the next
Soon all those specks provide you a way to escape
And you run and fall into the arms of your friend
Has he holds you tight from missing you, you feel your heart thaw
And it returns to its original form, and he never lets you
For now that you've returned he can't fathom himself with out you
Those deep thick clouds from before have now disappeared
And for the first time in years, you smile

Cardinals of Dreams
The long night's restful sleep comes to an end
The horrible dream awakens you again
You thought you'd rid yourself of those thoughts
But really all you've done is hide them from your mind
Your heart is still chalk full of that despise
You hate those feelings you still have and they're killing you
They're making you become unrational and unreasonable
You hate your feelings yet not the cause of them
You hold their causes close to heart
You remember that last dream with amazing detail
The cardinals flying, the great feel of the tight hugs
Then the feeling of abandonment when they left
Reincarnated for death, dying for life
Neither phase is ever long enough, yet never short enough either
Incantations of love cloud your wild mind
You remember that oppressive heartache
You roll over and look at your current love lying beside you
He's still fast asleep in bed with you there
You don't want to disturb him so you go out to the kitchen
You quietly make yourself a herbal tea to calm your nerves
But it doesn't seem to be helping this night
You still keep thinking of your dreams and that bothers you
So you go to the cupboard and remove a bottle of vodka
You take shot after shot just hoping to relax and forget the dream
But the vodka isn't working, and the thoughts are getting worse
You start to panic, you hate yourself for feeling like this
You become determined to stop the thoughts at any cost
You're noisier now since you're drunk though
You stumble your way to the closet where your handgun resides
You take it and stumble on back to the kitchen to write your good byes
Slowly and messily you write your final thoughts
All your wishes of what you could have done
All your apologies for even the most insignificant mistakes
It's then that you pick up the gun and open your mouth
But just before you pull the trigger your lover comes into view
Slowly and calmly he walks to you completely naked
As he gets to the table you put your gun down
So he grabs it quickly and tosses you up against the wall
He asks you if you really want to die, if you really want to leave him
You're s drunk that you aren't thinking strait and you answer yes
So he forces the gun to your chin and tells you he's always hated you
He says he doesn't feel sorry for killing you at all
You think back to your dreams at that moment fearing for your life now
You see the events in a slightly different light now
You don't blame yourself anymore for those innocent mistakes you made
So you forgive yourself in order to make peace with yourself before you die
And you start to cry
It's then that your lover drops the gun to the ground and hugs you tight
For the last thing in the world he wanted was for you to die
And now that you've come to realize you're not at fault for everything
He loves you even more, for that's an obstacle you've always made for him
So without a word being said, you two are closer then ever before
And never again do you even consider ending your life
Just living it to the most for him, and for you

Detached Energies
Energy builds and is displayed as happiness
Yet the love in your heart can not escape
Though you say the words, the words feel empty
Your heart sinks lower and your energy higher
You hold their hand and you kiss their lips
You stroke their head, you love that long hair
You kiss each of their fingers in a hurried fashion
You mean what you say, you do what you mean
Yet it all seems so shallow and impersonal
The music that used to calm your soul has lost its effect
You're twitching doesn't follow the music
It has it's own odd and special pattern of an upbeat nature
You stroke their leg slowly trying to calm down
But you fail and continue on with yet another obscure act
You love them, you truly do, so why don't you act like it
You say all the right things, yet do all the wrong ones
You hold them so close can feel their heart beat
Loving you roll on top of them and kiss them again
Your hands wander their beautiful body finding the wrong spots
Yet you are to detached from yourself to realize that
For you love them, and they love you
You are just befuddled by that thick mist of love
But slowly you start to calm down a trace
Your lover sighs deeply in relief, for you concerned them
It's only that the words you say have meaning
Yet you are still buried in wrongful deeds
And it isn't until you fix those that your love will be true

Cringe
That knife plunges deeper into my shattered soul
It's twisted round and around and around some more
You cringe in pain worse then I do though
For part of my soul is yours as well
And the part of my soul which is being so deeply massacred
Is the part that you hold closest to yourself
But I'm so blind that I notice not the dagger in your back
I'm so profusely bleeding my agonies that I forget you
I forget that the knife has two sides to it
For it is that sacred blissful tearing gut wrenching knife that has us
The villainous matriarch who holds the blade find us amusing
For they remember their days of back stabs
They remember the days before their long awaited lobotomy
They remember the days when their heart once felt
They remember those blissful moments in each other's arms
But they don't remember that agonizing pain when they were separated
Thus they rip us apart with the same melancholic chords once applied to them Yet they don't recognize our pain as pain
They somehow think it's just another one of our idiotic feelings
So they dismiss them accordingly
What once flourished in bask sunlight now retreats to shadowy darkness
The doves that flew in light of our happiness now replaced with ravens
That once blissful and happy resort from live has been altered
And it will never regain that innocence
For what took years to build, and what took all our energy and love
Has had the hydrogen bomb dropped on it
It has no appearance any more, just ashes and dust
Who knows, maybe some day they'll learn from their actions
And they'll remove the ever plunging and deepening dagger from us
And if we're lucky, find room in their bodies for it.

Glowing Embers
The glowing embers of your invincible love slowly disappear
What you once thought would last forever perishes
You love her though, so you hold her ever so gingerly
Without here you cannot even begin to comprehend your existence
So every passing minute you love her more and more
For you know in one minute less now she'll be raped from you
No one else deserves her, not even you truly do
You always compare your luck at getting her to others
You look at the other's flaws and stare in amazement at your perfection
She truly isn't perfect, yet you notice now flaws
For you only see what you want to see in people
It just makes things easier for you
When you want to be loved she loves you, the same for ignorance
She is everything for her because you are nothing for her
In her arms you are never without love
But the same can be said when you want it to be said about your loneliness
It's only when you don't have your way you become flustered
Doesn't matter why you aren't happy, just matters you aren't happy
Or at least it seems that way to everyone else
Never have such simple things entertained such active minds
While the most irrepressible ideas so readily welcomed
You are still who you are despite all your catastrophic endings
And you are afraid of departure as much now as you were years ago
But for once departure isn't final, or is it?

Julia
Natalie lies down in the soft hay
It's been a long hard day for her
I think back to the great time we had with her
As I hold your hands the day comes back to me
I remember sitting in the meadow with you on my lap
Talking about your dearest friends and hardest times
I remember picking pansies and placing them in your hair
Carefully arranging patterns in your long flowing hair
Then I remember Natalie starting to eat them off your head
Gaily we chased Natalie around laughing thee whole time
Then we fed her the rest of the pansies and laid down
We talked some more about the things in our lives
But then we ran out of things to talk about
So we just laid there, arm in arm, and stared into each other's eyes
Without a single word being said we grew closer and closer together
Our love unbound in every way in our eyes
God had shown me a blessing and shown me the way
"Julia! Sweet sweet Julia!" heart kept saying over and over
Softly yet passionately we would kiss each other
Our hands, arms, legs, tongues and hearts intertwined
We decide to go for a swim in the near by pond
We're away from home of course and we have no bathing suits of course
So we venture in completely naked and vulnerable
We have so much fun in there though that no improper sexual arousal
We appreciate each other and find each other very beautiful
But we know the act of making love is not for us yet
Once we get married it will just be another way for us to show our love
We get out of the lake and decide it's time to head back home
As we ride Natalie back home you let me play with your long hair
Oddly enough it reminds you of when we first met
And when you first started to fall in love with me
And on our wedding night, once again I'll do it
For as much as other actions convey my love to you
And as much as your actions show me your love
Just to rest my head in your lap and play with your hair satisfies both our wants
So we say good night to Natalie and close the barn door
We head back to the house and crawl into bed and fall asleep in each other's arms
And just before I fall asleep, I thank God for showing me His way

Kingston
Clouds of dust fall on the roads of our lives
Spirits, ghosts, demons, and angels visit us
We know not for whom they come
Nor why they torment us with such vivid ignorance
All we know is that so long as we're here
They'll be following us closely, ever so closely
Never do we know what they bring us
So we live in an utter fear of knowledge
That bright yellow light of the angels is often pale green
And the dark shadows of the demons are often a wan gray
So never do we speak to them
For to live without fear of them would be to know ourselves
Too well.
And to know ourselves like that would scare us
As well as our friends, family neighbor and confidants
So we live in fear, and unhappiness for it makes us happy
Or at least, so we think and pretend it does
So when we see the shadowy figures in the corner
We just turn over and go back to sleep
No admission of guilt, no repentance, and no forgiveness
The stains on the carpet don't convict us
Yet the creepy, crawly, insecurities of the supernatural do
And they will stay that way until we come to know them
When we do is up to us though
So set yourself free by confronting these heart weights
Talk to them and save yourself, and then, maybe you can save me

Plains of Snow
The long day ever so slowly starts to end
Yet my temptations and desires almost overwhelm me
The phone lies close, yet you lay far away
I close my eyes and your image fills my mind
I see you like the first time I saw you
Perfect teeth and hair and an amazing body
I remember those days when your outside attracted me
And I think of how now it's your inside that does
Even though your body still does have a grip on me
I remember how we would dream of ecstasy
But it seems now, that our standard of living is to survive
I think back to the times we could cuddle so innocently
Just happy to be in each other's arms at night
Now it seems just to be in each other's minds is adequate
My mind then drifts back to those nights in the park
How our icy cold hand were attached by the water
How out eyes were mystified by the lights on the river
How such simple things entertained us for hours
I get up and stumble to bed without you
It just seems so empty, so hollow, so cold with out you
But I crawl into it and close my eyes
I feel so alone and deserted with out you that I start to cry
I decide I need some music to soothe my soul
So I go to my radio and Jewel is on and I'm comforted
Until I hear her sing "I'm so alone that the end must be drawing near"
And I sympathize with her and realize how personal her music is
And I crawl back into bed and start crying again
I don't sleep but hours pass with out my notice
But just as I have just about given up on you
I hear the front door open, and then you enter the bedroom
My heart is soothed, and soul rejuvenated
And all is good once again, and I fall asleep at peace with myself

Kindness
They say that it's only at the end kindness matters
But if it only counts in the end
Then why are you so amazingly good to me now
You hold me when I am weak, sick, tired
You embrace me when I have the tiniest victory
You take great care of your body for me
When you smile it makes me weak at the knees
My quest to find an unmistakable love has ended
Yet despite common belief I'm having more fun
Your heart is an amazing impartial blissful fire
And it's that flame that I kiss when I need love
Be it with our lips or just with our eyes
Though in some way a million miles is like a foot
A foot is longer then a light year in others
For when with you every beat of my heart
Every breath of my lungs, every thought in my mind
Are all for you and your amazing love for me
Even when just holding our hands like the loves we are
I can feel our spirits joining in a beautiful harmony
So tonight I'll wait for you in bed to sleep with
For if your kindness really does just count at the end
I want to die with my arms around tonight
And die as the happiest man to ever have existed

The Light
Time passes and darkness sets in
What once held a beautiful radiance
Is now the center of the perilous dark
I long for the The amazing Light though
So I venture into that precarious tunnel
I fear for my life and well being
Yet I'm too curious to stop my venturing
I can see the carcasses of better men then me there
Those of righteous men, strong men, affluent men
Looks like it fate didn't care who they were
Yet I, the weak, sinful, destitute one
I venture forth into a place where I may not return
The darkness keeps increasing and soon I see nothing
I just keep stumbling my way forward
Over ridges and through valleys
Knowing death might only be a footstep away
Yet not fearing it in the slightest
I think of you as I'm going through and oddly warm part
I think of how much you love me
And I think of how much me doing this would scare you
But it's too late to turn back now
So I block you out of my mind so I can finish my quest
Eventually I hit a wall that has a boulder in the way
I push the boulder aside expecting to see the light
But there's nothing in there I can see
So I venture into the little cave and feel the walls
I hit a switch of some sort and a light turns on
And on a table in the middle of the room I see the scariest thing
A picture of you
It's at that point that I realize how foolish I've been
I also see another switch on the wall
I flip it and the tunnel outside lights up
So I walk back out of the cave without finding The Light
I've risked my life and your love to find nothing
Now I must return home and confess to you
I know not why I must confess, nor why I wish to
But I know you love me now as you did before
So I have no fear of being forgiven
Its waiting for the forgiveness which I now fear

The Sun
The snow slowly melts from your icy heart
A steady stream of change comes from your mouth
You see the sunrises in new ways now
Just as you see sunsets in a less glorious light
You see the set as the end to painful days
And the rise as the beginning of a fresh love
Even though before it was the opposite
The nights brought you your love and hid the light
You look at your hand and examine the ring it holds
He gave that to you as a profession of his love for you
The big indestructible diamond surrounded by emeralds
Its those emeralds that attract you the most though
They seem to represent the many little things he does
That just surround and elaborate the beauty of his love
They remind you of all his kind words to you
All his sufferings for you and the many times he just held you
You remember your last night together and that last kiss
You remember how you could feel your heart start to melt
He was the first man to break that amazing barrier
But he knows he won't be the last for he didn't do it for himself
His joys are all just seeing you joyful
And it appears that now he will be the happiest man ever
For so long as you are in his arms, and your heart in your mouth
The sun will never stop rising

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