Poetry Page 2

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Solitary Confinement
I close my eyes as I crawl into my bed
A long, tedious and trivial day comes to its end
Or so I tend to believe in my mind
Pull the blankets over my cold body
And take a deep, frustrated breath
And then let out an equally exhausted sigh
I brush all the hair off my face
And curl up under the soft, silky sheets
I start a prayer to my Father
Asking Him to hold me strong with my tribulations
Asking Him to give me new words for those that need them
And for sage to know when to keep quiet
I finish my prayer and my chest feels lighter
I am all right with the one in power over me
But before I drift off to a restful sleep
My mind turns to her, which isn't always bad
But tonight I know I'll have trouble sleeping
For she has been hurt, and I have done nothing
Brutal trial she had to contend with
And unjustly she was convicted
None the less though, she was sentenced
This very minute she lies in her own cell
A prisoner of someone else's crime
Yet she is the one in solitary confinement
And because of that and that alone I toss and turn
I wish I could visit her, but I cannot
Because the defenses would stop me way too early
So here I lie, tossing and turning in my bed
Wishing God would do for her what He did for me
I look at my clock and see that it's 3 AM
And curse at myself, I need sleep
So once again I pray to God
And I ask Him to console her contrite spirit
And mend her broken heart
And to keep her moral high knowing she's innocent
And to give her an inner peace to keep her safe
After all, she wasn't given a life sentence
Just because these days are her first in prison
And she isn't accustom to all the oddities
She will learn things like she always does
And before I can say A-men, I sin myself
And wish openly to God that before she is released
The dirty sod is rotting in Hell.

Colors
Red, the color of our love
The color of your soft lips
Warm blood through your veins
The love in your eyes
And at the same time
The choler and distaste
Of the violent memories
Of the past which still haunt
And the color of the angry tempest
That keeps our hearts apart
Blue, the color of your eyes
The sweet, deep and angelic eyes
That keep my mind racing
Heart pounding and senses confused
And hopes high and uncensored
The color of the tears that come forth
From your heart and eyes
At the same time as words
That try to console the contrite spirit
Forgetting you yourself are as such
White, the color of your innocence
The color of the pure radiance about you
That attracts me to you like a blind man
Who sees his first light
And can't see himself being blind again
The color however of icy spears
That lay on the in front of you
Where your red blood will be spilt
And your blue tears will leave your blue eyes
To make a beautiful rainbow on the white snow

Blue Iris
She sits there and just smiles at you
Her bright blue eyes glittering
As if every star in the clear night sky
Needed a new home and chose her eyes
The blue iris, so clear, so perfect
Keeps your attention totally
As if your life depends on watching them
For the slightest most miniscule change
You pick up her hand and hold it easily
You caress her soft skin with your thumb
And then you kiss it
All without looking away from her eyes
You can't resist yourself and you ask for a hug
And she opens her arms wide for you
And you slip your arms around her waist
As she surrounds you with her arms
And makes you feel safer then ever before
The soft scent of her perfume reaches you
And you sigh, for it is most delicious
And her soft body is all yours at the moment
To delight in it's pure sensual nature
In the most innocent form
For there are other things that would be nice
But you are not her man, and she is not yours
And perhaps never shall either of you be
But you do have the most important thing of all
A friendship that has been through rough times
And survived only to be held high above all
And then you release her and kiss her hand
Only to fall back to looking in those beautiful eyes

Walking Dead
Days have passed now, not annul
Yet not nearly as remourseful
As anticipated, or was feared
At the same time, you are no where near
As good as you'd hoped
These are the days of the living dead
The days where all once told
By those who were said to be wise
And were proven wrong and ignorant
Now are starting to be proven sage
Despite your fears and denials
What's true is true, and it's happening
Right now, and not just to you
But you only see yourself
In your clouds of pain and stress
In your endless hopes of contrite despair
In solitude, lonliness and denial
The seemingly never ending denial now
You know all of which plagues you
And you know why it all does
But you know not how to fix it all
And it's the not knowing that's killing you
For you are not a controlling person
But being at other's mercies has you in pain
At their mercies in regards to achievments
At their mercies in terms of acceptance
At their mercies in terms of loving them
Most disturbingly however
Being totally at their mercies
In terms of your own happiness
Despite the fact you know you are responsible
And so you turn to your 'friends'
And you look them all in the eye
One by one, and you demand to know
"Who am I?" of each of them
And they have no answers
So once again, you don't know

The Pole
You sit there in your car
And you know not where you are
Your fender against the telephone pole
All because you lost control
Your eyes are bleeding, head swollen
Once again, your pride's been stolen
Glass shattered, mirrors all bent
Steering wheel on your nose made a dent
And still there in the midst of the wreck
Is your heart, broken worse then even your neck
Long ago it was hurt, but still it feels the pains
Of the long agonizing search that hurts your brain
You see love all around, but none is your own
The throne of happiness from which you were thrown
You see her there, all dressed in white
There she stands in the emanating light
The masses behold her like the queen she is to you
They lift their voices to her asking for love that's true
And she is within your reach, but too far away to hold
For the thoughts of the peasants of love are too bold
And condemn those who have those who give them bliss
All they see is the ever lasting joy and the kiss
That signifies their love, and because of age alone
The man cannot be with the queen by her throne
And then your black out and hallucinations end
And come to the realization of how things must mend
And realize just how damned and confound you are
And how love is so close yet is so afar
So you take your last desperate loving breath
And you cry out her name as you welcome death

Sleep
You wake up in a strange bed
Yet know not why you are there
Nor question why you are there
You just accept what is as it is
"You were asleep for many years"
So say your doctors, parents and friends
"It's a great miracle you survived"
Yet all this means nothing to you
For today is just yesterday's tomorrow
At least to you it is
Your head aches and neck is sore
But you know not why, nor care
Days go by and they say you changed
But how could you change
When all you did was go to sleep
You dismiss their observations
As if they were simply qualitative
And carry on living your life
You try to play your guitar
For the first time in years
And it's hard, amazingly difficult
But you attribute that to lack of practice
You pick up your horn and smile
For your tone nor range have changed
But only minutes later pain arrives
So deep and penetrating you wish for death
But you go on ignoring the pain
And you ignore everything else that's changed
Because you want only to be yourself
But you truly have changed. How sad.

The Dunes of Ipperwash
You stretch your arms out relaxing
And you sit yourself down
On the soft sand of the dune
The tiny grains of quartz
Move to fit the contours of your body
Despite the odd conglomerations
The beautiful, soft luscious sand fits you
There you lay and reflect
On all the happiness and joy
That nights on this friend of yours
Has brought to you in hand
And more importantly at heart
These very sand dunes you rest on
Are your only real friends
Because they've never left you
And will never leave you
Despite how they may swirl
And despite how they may hard
When the cold winter air hits them
And makes them harder then diamonds
Your sands will always bring you back
Because you love them totally
You find your bliss's and muses
And life's reasons there
They console you when you're contrite
And inspire you when you lay there
On the very blanket you are on now
In front of a fire just like the one raging
Only a few feet in front of you
And you look up into the sky
And can once again dream a dream
Where you will one day
Find someone worthy to see your beauty
The dunes.

Doors
So there you stand
Three doors ahead of you
All bearing your name
But all in different languages
The door to the left is Spanish
The door to the right is French
And in the middle is English
You go to the doors
And look through the peepholes
And you see another door
Behind each of those doors
With inscriptions above each
Julia, Nicole and Aimee
You've been thinking
About your choices for years
But now it is the time to choose
Choose between security and assurance
Or social risk and exorcism
Or loving failure and misery
The name Julia is on the left, red door
That is the one that pulls you
By far the strongest
But the accessibility is not good
Your fear what rests inside there
And then there is the blue door, Nicole
Standing right there in front of you
But something so easy must
Have many unforeseen catches
So you're steered away from there
That leaves only the right
The mysterious black door
With the French inscription
The one with the name Aimee
The most and least attractive
In appearance and valor
A true challenge like Julia
Yet less fear provoking
Not as easy to reach as Nicole
But as a result more appealing
So there you stand
Those three doors ahead of you
But which one to choose
Which one to choose

Bothwell
You hear that ungodly snap
And your mind races
You push her away from you
Trying to keep her safe
As you yourself fall deeply
Harshly, and timelessly
To the controls of the ground below
All the way down you're thinking
"God I hope it stops"
And luckily for you he does
But you don't unfortunately
It's your head that smashes
It's your brain that is rattled again
The girl stays up there
And only bruises her legs
But what about her head
Even though no physical contact
Seeing you falling to the ground
You lay on the ground
And all you hear are voices
And people carefully move you
And all you know
Is that your head is killing you
And that Kristen is holding your hand
But she's no where to been seen
Not like you're particularly observant
Your pains are your focus
And the feeling of déja vu encompasses you
And all you think about
Is how you're testing Him
Instead of being tested by Him

Raptures
The once blazing fire
Has now gone to ashes
Cinders are all that remain
Of the once bigger than God
Flame of ecstasy and love
The flame took years to build
Yet was destroyed in months
The rubble caused by the fire
Is still left in the city
The doors all incinerated
The sidings all melted off
Into odd puddles of vinyl
And at the same time
The golden statues in the center
Of the city remain in tact
The ones that symbolize
The heros of the civilization
The raptures that reeked havoc
And the floods that drowned
The multitudes all at once
The fire was the most intense
Event in the history of the city
Glorious in as many was
As it was like a living Hell
For it removed all the weaker
And imperfect civilians
As well as the criminals
And purified the drinking water
But it killed many innocent dreams
So it's a perfect miserable memory

Ashley
So there she lied
Alone on her bed she cries
Worries of health
Worries of lost wealth
Only fourteen years old
Yet to God her life is sold
But her soul has been hurt
Like paper when burnt
False hopes prevail
Keeping reality frail
Never loved by a man
So now the plateau she scans
In search of confidence
In search of condolence
Not for the acts portrayed to her
But to the man who's only a blur
Of morality dispersed
And love transpierced
She is the one who knows one love
And it's only her Father from above
For the biology has betrayed her too
By leaving her fit to stew
In her own disgrace and fear
Of not growing old in years
Simply because she feels the need
To protect those who made her bleed
For she wants no more pain for those
Who deep in her heart she knows
Will never again hurt her like this
Nor will ever give another shadow's kiss
To make her life a living Hell
So there she shall remain, in her shell

Fire Setter
I am the fire setter
I am the one you fear
I am the one that sets fire
To the most sacred temples
Of the mightiest Gods
I am the one who torches
The ancient ruins and the museums
In which their articles are stored
I am the one of pure evil
More than a pyromaniac
More evil than Satan himself
For I am the ruler of his world
I set his home afire
I am the one who you try
Desperately to keep your kids
Away from meeting
Because I am the one who causes
All jealousy and greed
I am the one who destroys
All of your posessions
Once your guard is down
I am the one all feared
I am love

Blue Auras
I look in the mirror
And I see a distorted face
Crimson tears pour
Out of one solitary eye
As a green liquid drips
From the other slowly
Odd deformities cover
What is a sane face
And make me look evil
For their origin
Is feared and misunderstood
Greed and envy
Over love never lost
Because I never had it
Meanwhile anger and sorrow
Escape in red tinges
Only to leave stains of loves lost
On the floor of the living dead
Where my feet are cold
And my heart even colder
I see delusions all around me
Purple and blue auras
Surround my head and chest
As my pride vanishes
And my confusion increases
As I see images of love past
Loves to come
And loves that will never be
Appear and disappear like images
In a photosynthetic television screen
And all I can do is stare
For one knows not when nor how
To posess himself enough
To face reality
The reality of the lonely man

Solace, Security and Serenity
You arrive home after a long night
And you lay down in bed
Not that you're tired, nor want to sleep
But you just have to think
Think about what all has gone on
In the last few hours, days, weeks
And all you know
Is that you know nothing
You think about the girls in your life
The many, in many different situations
The one you love that doesn't reciprocate
The one you'd like but doesn't want you
The one you love but cannot have
And the ones who love you
But the ones who you cannot take
The irony of the situation hits you
And you simply smack your forehead
"What the Hell?" is all you can say
For you know nothing
What once was more true than death
Is now as questionable as love
For the diamond ring has shattered
Like it was made of only glass
And you wonder if even God Himself
Would even tolerate a situation like this
Would He not just create something
Someone, somewhere He could go
To find all His peace and happiness
For it's all that you truly seek now
Solace, security and serenity
The seemingly never ending search
And just as your true loves
Comes to the door looking for you
You slit your wrist with your knife
Only out of frustration

Conviction
So there you stand before the judge
On the long awaited judgement day
You've been tried fairly
And now all that's left is the arrival
Of the final word, right from his mouth
Are you guilty or innocent
You can't look away from his eyes
That transcending, phosphorescent glow
You sit there in eager anticipation
Waiting his word, wait his say
He himself could not carry out
Whatever harsh and cruel conviction
Should he find you guilty
For he has the authority
And his authority is his power
But his power has no authority
Finally he starts to give his judgement
He finds you guilty as charged
Guilty of failure, but not of the plaintiff
For you can't fail those
Who you've helped and succeeded with
Multiple times, ten fold, thousand score
But you've failed yourself
For everyone has been before you
And you've let yourself get sick
Very, very sick indeed
So the judge gives you no convictions
For you've already damned yourself

Look
Look at me, and see my eyes
Are they not the same eyes
That professed the same undying
And unfinishing amour for you
Look at my hands, these simple hands
Are they not the same hands
That would work for hours on end
Only to make you smile
Look at my lips, and remember
How they would sing the songs
That only Heaven knew the words to
But told the whole world of my love for you
Look at my feet, aching sore soles
Are these not the same feet
That would run a million miles
Only for you to tell me to go home
Look at my arms, weak and frail
But the same arms that tried vainly
To hold you and keep you high
When the world was flooding with tears
Look at your hair, long, flowing, luscious locks
It was those very golden locks
That I would look at for hours on end
And find not only you, but inner peace in
And look at your lips, your hands
Your feet and your own blue eyes
And find a way to tell me all was a lie
When I saw perfection inside of confusion
And look back at me, the solitarian
The one with the broken heart
And lowered expectations, and shattered dreams
And tell me, I dare you
I DARE YOU… to tell me all was for nothing

Misperception
So there you sit, alone in your car
After an hour of talking and advising
You find yourself feeling odd
Full, full of feelings of good nature
Since you've helped the needy
And at the same time empty
The emptiness of a stolen heart
The thief no where to be found
But that isn't who's being searched
It's yourself that needs to be found
You just helped like the billionth person
Over come their fears, face their problems
And at the same time, when you get home
Your own fears, idiosyncrasies and failures
Lay at the doorstep to laugh at you
For you help the blind to see, deaf to hear
But you can't even begin to help yourself
Your delusional, self inflicted, malicious self
You keep others from hurting themselves
While in the meantime you're hurt by them
You take their worries onto yourself
To forget, or avoid dealing with your own
Responsibilities, duties, desires, admirations
False hopes, unrealistic aspirations, misery
You desire so badly to fall back into the arms
Of a lady you can forget yourself in
Just look into their eyes, look at their hair
And find a salvation by not seeing the present
At least not seeing the honest present
You always live in the present, but in their arms
You tend to forget all that worries you
You tend to find perfection in misperception
And oddly enough, find peace in yourself

The Eve of Christmas
Well, well, well, here you are
A year later, not a penny wiser
Certainly a few pennies poorer
You hear the Christmas carols
Coming from your very lips
But they sound like a death dirge
The phosphorescent glow vanished
And the star shine as well
Oh holy night, now oh lonely night
The silent night really is such
Except in your heart and mind
They race a mile a second
And only keep you where you are
You think of all the opportunities
That you blindly let slip away
And all the conflicts you caused
Out of fear of missing an opportunity
Other songs start to fill your head
Like "I will be hating you for Christmas"
And suddenly those seem appealing
You just seem to give up on caring
Cara, bella donna, chere, dear
All those names mean nothing to you now
So you return home the Eve of Christmas
And you look at the fake plastic star
That sits on top of the tree
And you wish the only wish you can
And you then go to bed to await the morning
Dreams clutter your brain all night
Perfections and nightmares of the next day
And you wake and go to the tree
Only to see nothing's changed

What The Hell Is This
Prophecies left vaporized
Expectation shattered
Confusion truly and readily
Sets into its favorite place
Your messed up mind
But it's a welcome confusion
For it's the confusion
That keeps the bad at bay
For the simple reason
Of not knowing what's there
For you saved not a soul
Not a person, not a thing
Only an idea, an ideal
But a precious idea indeed
And one you yourself have
She is not alright with herself
Anorexic slightly, slightly depressed
But it's in that dark cloud
That you somehow see
The bright light of God for you
He makes you realize, and accept
That you have a predestined purpose
That you've known about for ages
And that is time to recognize
And embrace truly as your own
By helping others you help yourself
By putting ideals into their morals
You cement those very morals
Into your ever so weak persona
Only to end up aiding you
Psychosomatic dreams counted
Physical neurosis battlements vanished
And all you're left with is
A rare and somewhat squeamish
Feeling of joy and happiness

Snow
Prose and verse have come and gone
And there you sit in the snow at dawn
Fingers frigid, conscience apparently the same
As you used her, making yourself so lame
You rub your head in utter disbelief
Your encounter so just so brief
But you used her, that's all you did
Now you must find away of yourself to rid
Used an ally of the purest sense
To inflict on someone else some vengeance
You forgot yourself and all your pain
And it was with her you did what you can't explain
Too young to know, to old to be so lacking sage
You took to yourself one only two thirds your age
So lonely and desperate for affection
You would give yourself to anyone's attention
For your esteem has been wrecked yet again
Despite all your hopes, and how much you plan
You used her like an uncaring sod
And in your stomach you feel a rod
That makes you feel your inner man is dead
And it's for nothing all those tears were shed
So there you remain, with snow to your waist
And you lay back and cover yourself with haste
Maybe in the snow you'll find peace
When your heart stops pumping and you're deceased.

Neptune
There you sit, looking into the sea
The pale green tinge clings still
There swim the two fish you seek
The one who swims against the waves
And the other who simply avoids
Avoids all the hardships of work
He's the one always near the bottom
Where serenity and peace and misery
And distaste merge as one
Where he rests ever so happily
You look at the fishes and think to yourself
"God, I am those two fishes"
For when the spirits of love are right
You find your way through all waves
And nothing short of God Himself
Can even begin to with hold you
And then there are the times
When the tides of love are lower
All your hopes, expectations
Aspirations fall to a pit of dark
All you see are your problems, failures
Idiocies, inabilities, desperations
And the bottom pulls you down further
You find yourself making uncharacteristic
Choices, decisions, and conclusions
What seems good now is all that counts
Manipulate, lie, disconcern, embellish
Make your own truth to all the others
You lie to yourself not knowing a lie
Because no malicious interests are intended
How can it be a lie if it's what you believe
When is your reality, what real reality is
You follow the down swimming fish completely
Find satisfaction where simple malcontent was before
You get up and start to walk the sandy beach
Up on the escarpment above the beach
You hear the sounds of huge parties
Up there is your true lover, the one the only
But to get her, she must know you
And that's not something you have faith in
Because you aren't sure of yourself
You can see her sitting on the edge alone
Waiting for you, begging you with her eyes
Yet you lower your head and keep on walking
And as you're finally out of her direct vision
She yells out your name in seeming anger and disgust
When in fact it was in utter heartache
But you tell back to your unknown lover
"I know not myself! How can I know you?"
And keep walking thee beach not in self pity
But awaiting Neptune to show you yourself again.

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poetry for/about Veronika
early poems

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