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5th place (Tied).
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms Robertson's Son.
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5th place (Tied).
19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
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5th place (Tied).
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family were on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the house owner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000
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4th place.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog.
The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
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3rd place.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone) The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
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2nd place.
Kara Walton of Claymont,Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out of the window in the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
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1st Place.
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him that in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
AS A YOUNG LAWYER working on my first big case, I was sitting in Federal District Court watching a prominent attorney question a witness. The attorney was trying, unsuccessfully, to elicit certain information.
Finally the judge turned to the witness and asked a question that prompted the appropriate response.
"Thank you, your honor," the attorney said. "How is it that you were able to get to the crux of the matter with one question after I had tried three times?"
"Easy," replied the judge. "I'm not paid by the hour."
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by
Keith C. Rennie
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
REAL COURTROOM TRANSCRIPTS
(From a little book called "Disorder in the Court," these are
real court transcriptions, word for word.)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
*
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
*
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
*
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
*
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
*
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
*
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
*
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
*
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
journal,the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
*
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
*
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
*
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
*
Q: Did he kill you?
*
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
*
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
*
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
*
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
*
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
*
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
*
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
*
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
*
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
*
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*
Q: All your responses must be oral,okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
*
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
*
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
*
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
*
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a barstool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest he says, "No kidding........I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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