MY LAST CRY
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: NOT GOIN' CRY -MARY J. BLIGE
Today Steelers beat Redskins. I just watched the last 4 minutes of the game. I felt kinda bad watching it without him. I still miss him like crazy. He gets out this Friday and has to go to TPU. I'll hopefully be there too but he might not even think about that at first and he might leave. Oh my god, I want my baby. Alot of times I want to cry, Like right now but can't cause I've just about ran out of tears. I want my baby. In my arms like now. I had a dream and I think I'm going to make that dream come true. It was a very good dream. Oh shit, it was agood dream. He might mess up everything. Soon as I get off restriction, I go on leave. But I don't think I'm going anywhere this time I might not even take leave. I really need to look for a place and Get evrything set up. i already have some things picked out so on my time off I'll go and see it and talk to the people.

MIND ON FIRE
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: I HATE EVRYTHING ABOUT YOU
Oh my gosh. My back hurt so much from sleeping in that pittiful mattress. They could have done alot better than that. For the navy to have all this money but can't even get there members something worth sleeping on. And on top of that there's not alot of ways I can sleep cause laying on my stomach is very uncomfortable.
I hate this shit. I found out where I was going once I leave the ship. They are still trying to get me to go underway. I think its to punish me for when we go to Florida. I don't want to go. I know my baby isn't going to be there. He doesn't get out til the 3rd. I miss him. I don't even think he notices how much him being away from me is hurting me so.
Yesterday, I felt that I didn't want to have this baby. I'm now 11 weeks. I don't know. Its like he says he's happy but I know he was happy then with all his other girls had there babies. So how is this happiness different from theirs. I don't like it. I don't want to give it up for adoption. BUt if he's not there when I have it that's what I'm going to do.
If he's there then after a while I'm going to leave him with the baby. I know its wrong but I have to put my whole life on hold for a child but for him he could just leave us anyway. I don't want the baby to go to D.C. He will be wanting it to. Then he's going to be wanting for his friends to see it. That shit ain't going to happen.
Its like shit I haven't even meet your friends why the fuck you want my child around them. And don't even think those females going to watch it either. Hell no. Especially that one. She can't even take care of herself or her kids so what the fuck make you think she's going to be able to watch my child for a minute.
I hope I don't have a boy. If its a girl and you try that same shit as with your other daughter, I'm fucking done with you. My child don't have to know you. I know that sounds fucked up but that's just how its going to be. I'm getting out of the military.
You want all of my attention but damn look at it like this. Why do I have to share you but you can't share me? When we went to D.C., you went out and saw your friends even spent the night over there house. Damn females. Left me in the house and shit. Didn't tell me when you were or nothing.
BUt when I went home and talked to my friend on the phone you got mad and I said I was going over their house you talked about leaving and shit. I didn't say shit like that to you. And you're going to get fuck mad at me for some shit like that.
Even if you were playing when you said that, you shouldn't play like that. Cause like you said how can I get mad when you talked to someone that you knew before me.
Nigga you can't have your cake and eat it to. I've kept all these things trapped in my mind. You have no idea how much this shit has bothered me.

Day before Thanksgiving
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: WIND BENEATH MY WINGS
The day before Thanksgiving. I don't have my boyfriend, I'm stuck on this ship, and I have no family coming to see me. Could it possibly get any worst? Yes, it could. I'm 2 months pregnant and the food here sucks terribly. It might be okay tomorrow but I doubt it.
I'm so ready to see my boyfriend again. He always would rub my stomach before we go to sleep. I love him so much. We are currently engaged. I'm beyond ready to see him again. To hold him in my arms, kiss his lips, rub on his chest, all those things. I never realize that I would ever think about someone as much as him. Now I'm here worring about him. Wondering what he's doing or how he is? I'm so worried. Every night I sleep with his jacket on just to have something or his close to me.
I'm so lonely on this ship without him. He's the only reason why I've been here as long as I have. He was the reason why I came back all of the times I came back. To see his smile, hear his voice, look into his eyes. Everything made me feel alot better. It made me forget about the things I was going through. Just to hear him for a few minutes. He made me laugh no matter how bad I was feeling, he always put a smile on my face. I miss that now.
He is truely the sunshine of my life. I'll be glad when he get situated so we can make everything final. And live out the next chapters of our life. Now I have a child to think about. I have that to look forward to. That is what keeps me going everyday. It keeps me ticking. I even eat now not cause I want to but have to. Breakfast is kinda hard to eat sometimes.
I love my man and the child that he gave me. And waiting for our child to get here and knowing that we'll be happier ever after once everything get finalized pushes me through the day and brings me closer to the day my baby will be in my arms again.

MY LIFE
Mood:  sad
I truly don't like my job. I do nothing but sit in a cold dark room and look at a screen with some pale green objects and a green line that moves around in a circle.
I would leave my job but I'm contracted for another 3 years to do it. The worst thing about it is that if I'm not doing that, its just sit around until there's work to do and lots of training on bull shit stuff that they would never let you do.
My boyfriend isn't here and that's like the only person that keeps me sane. I love him.
More about this job. I signed up for it on October 31, 2002. I didn't start til Oct. 22, 2003. At first. I had to go to school for it. It was okay. Once I got to my actual job( which they call first command) it sucked.
Being a female going to a ship, Other females aren't going to like you all that much. They hated me for being cute and having a nice ass. They find new females a threat to there exsisting relationships. I really didn't care.
It got to the point where they started trying to get me in trouble. I kept everything in, but one day I just couldn't hold anything in so I got in alot of trouble. Fuck those bitches, that's what I told them.
This one female would talk shit behind my back so much that one day I told her to grow some balls and say the shit in my face. She still didn't. Then i just so happened to be walking around the corner when she was talking about me, I just grabbed her by her little bitty head and told her if I every hear you saying something about me behind my back I'll fuck you up. I got in alot of trouble cause she was higher ranking. But she didn't say nothing else.
These people here think your a puh-over if you don't say anything back but as soon as you do you get in trouble for disrespect. Whatever you do, if you have a short temper, don't like being involved with people, and just not a people person all together don't and I repeat DON'T JOIN THE MILITARY.