Jokes and Funny Stories

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Jokes and Funny Stories

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Laughs for Ladies
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I hope you enjoy these jokes. They are not written by me. They have been smiles tucked in my mailbox. I love a good smile!

Be sure to look at the picture on the bottom of this page...

Ready for one of these???

LOOK AT MY POEM FROM MIKE

Need a restroom?

Dental Negotiation One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath he replied. I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?", his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken the boy explained. I'm looking for the seal." -

"Can people predict the future with cards?" "My mother can." "Really?" "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Rolls- Royce Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

A Riddle For You Perfect Man and Woman There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man... For Men ONLY!!! So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. (by the way if your a woman, and your reading this...this brings up another point....women never listen either.......)

HAVING A BAD DAY? The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was inside the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife picked up the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he suffered burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics again loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. AND YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY?

Woman with or without her man? An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

One Liners I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? OK, so what's the speed of dark? Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Holmes & Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes asked, "And what does that tell you?" Watson replied, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes answered, "Somebody stole our tent."

Word of Inspiration? Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.� He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died.� I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Don't Drink The Water!!!

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

The IDIOT TEST

Scoring: 20 Correct - Genius 17 Correct - Above Normal 15 Correct - Normal 8 Correct - Nincompoop 6 Correct - Moron 3 Correct - Idiot

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?

6. How many outs are there in an inning?

7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?

8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.

9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?

11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?

14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

20. What was the President's name in 1950?

ANSWERS: 1. yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc....) 2. one a year 3. all months have (at least) 28 days 4. the beggar is the woman's sister 5. because he is living 6. 6 (3 per side) 7. no. the man would be dead 8. they are not playing each other 9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60) 10. white. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole) 11. 2 (you just took 2 apples) 12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is) 13. light the match first 14. half way (then he would be running out) 15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour) 16. 9 (all but 9 die...) 17. none. Moses was not on the ark 18. he weighs meat. 19. 12 20. Bill Clinton

THE WAKE....

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Subject: Y2K Problem Solution

We have defined a lower cost alternative for the conversion to new computers that will address the Y2K (Year 2000) problem: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. 4. No need for System Adms. Thank you.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.

Done!

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider.

"The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to ``God``. A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: ``Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?`` The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300. A couple of weeks later they received a second letter. The boy thanked God but ended with this request: ``Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200.``

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine... (Prov 17:22] Click here to find your way back to Hillbillie homeplace

Email: bjhood@conninc.com