American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a
fine restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
Abe.
Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You receive care packages from Europe.
Your bologna has no first name.
You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
Creation (or the plight of Man)
God created the mule, and told him: "You will be Mule,
working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will
lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is
too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it
was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will
be his greatest companion. You will eat his table
scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a
dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And
it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him: "You are
Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like
an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for
20 years."
And the monkey responded: "Lord to live 20 years as
the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord,
give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man,
the only rational being that walks the earth. You
will use your intelligence to have mastery over the
creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth
and live for 20 years."
And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20
years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30
years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused,
and the ten years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then
marry and live 30 years like a mule working and
carrying heavy loads on his back. In the middle of
this, he is to have children and live 15 years as a
dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after
they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live
10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his
grandchildren. And it was so
No this is a bunch of BULL!
Have you heard about the five young bulls who were standing in the pasture
discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?
The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.
The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall
Street.
The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.
The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.
The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and
heifer and heifer.
Have you heard about the bunch of cattle put into a satellite?
It was called the herd shot round the world.
Here's one of the most elegant puns fired from the canon of traditional
punnery: Have you heard about the man who bequeathed his male offspring a
cattle ranch and named it Focus because it was the place where the sun's
rays meet -- and the sons raise meat!
Is it easy to milk a cow? Yes, any little jerk can do it. But if the little
jerk gets too enthusiastic, the result could turn out to be beyond the pail.
Forgetful cows give milk of amnesia.
Pampered cows give spoiled milk.
Nervous cows give milk shakes.
What happens to a cow when it gives birth? It gets de-calf-inated.
What happened to the cow who ate too many blueberries? It mooed indigo.
What's the difference between all angry crowd and a cow with a sore throat?
One boos madly, and the other moos badly.
What's the difference between the War of the Roses and dark cows? One is a
crown battle and the other is brown cattle.
What do cattle athletes take to make themselves stronger? Steeroids.
To close the gate, I'll offer my favorite bovine tail: An anarchist was
walking down a country road with a bomb hidden in his trench coat. He saw
another man approaching him and, fearing that this other person was a
government agent, the anarchist rolled the bomb into a nearby pasture. A
bull walked up to the rolling object, sniffed it and swallowed it whole.
What is the resulting situation in a single word? Abominable.
And what single word describes the situation five seconds later? Noble.
As we close the gate on this buff session, ruminate on this: To err is
human. To udder cattle puns is bovine.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
How do you know when you meet a milkmaid? She has a prominent dairy air.
By Richard Lederer
The Twenty-third Pastrami
If you've ever had a problem with poundage this one's for you!
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
he ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
A Fishing Tale
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin
sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name
their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not
decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply
occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the
sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the
parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same
direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman.
His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as
TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the
aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make
a living from the sea." They provisioned their
ship, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three
months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not
returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking
towards her house. She recognized him as her husband.
"My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his
equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them
letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and
we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!
What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to go solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right
up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver
us from e-mail, Amen."
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck
in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a
cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They
parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard
as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting
here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer:
3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran
up
to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay
dead
in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm
going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-
year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did Iinvite all
these people to dinner?"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a well-dressed man standing
at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes
with
hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts
spraying
scent all over them.
Curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the gentleman and
asks
him what he is doing.
Finishing licking a stamp, the man responds, "I'm sending out a thousand
Valentines signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the first man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
A three-year-old had been well-behaved throughout
the morning service at our church -until the pastor began his long closing prayer. With no end of
the prayer in sight, the three year old stood up on the family pew and said loudly,
"Amen, Preacher, Amen!"
The congregation erupted in laughter as the pastor stopped. Then in a somber
voice, the pastor continued, "Dear Lord, your message has been well-received
and a child has led them. Amen and Amen."
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the
insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn
insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan.
Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain
the value of what was insured and provide you with a new
one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd
like to cancel the policy on my husband."
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife
that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your
husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?"
the housewife thought for a while, and then said,
"Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem
so quiet."
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job
pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
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