One night a father was walking past his son's room, and he over heard him praying. The father listened at the door, and he heard his son pray, "Dear God, please bless my dog, for he is going to die tomorrow." The father thought this was odd, but didn't think much more of it. The next day the dog died, so the father listened at the childs door again, and he heard him pray, "Dear God please bless my grandmother for she is going to die tomorrow." The father thought it must just be coincidence, but sure enough the next day the grandmother died. The father listened every night for a couple of weeks to see what his son would pray for. Then, he heard him pray, "Dear God please bless my father for he is going to die tomorrow." The father, got very nervous, but was very careful on his way to and from work, and finally he was home, and he thought to himself "I'm fine now nothing can hurt me." Then, as he walked through the door, he saw his wife crying hysterically, he asked his son "what is wrong with your mother?," and he replied, "The Mailman died today......." Why did you Die?" A man was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed another man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again. The first man was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Again and again. He gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there, is a loved one of yours buried here?" "No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" ---------------------------------------------- A man lying on his deathbed requested that his wife gather up all his money and place it in the attic. He would pick it up on his way out of this life. Being the faithful, loving wife she had been for over 50 years, she did as she was told. Soon, the man died. Weeks later, she remembered his request and went to the attic to see if he had followed through. There, in the same place where she had left it, was the money… … "I knew it," she exclaimed, "I should have put it in the basement."… `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of cash. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of handcuffs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOME DEFINITIONS: ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" . Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10 Signs that you may have a stressed family.
1 Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
2. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. The cat is on Valium.
4. People have trouble understanding your kids because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. Law enforcement officials often mediate "Family meetings".
9. You have to check your kid's Day-Timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10.Maxwell House gives you industril rates.
It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a jerk for the rest of your life.
If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.
A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really pisses off the bank tellers.
Fun is just point of view.
Imagination is the foundation of unreality.
Ask not what you can do for me. Just Do It !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` Telephone Repairman
A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and became lost. After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.
"How do I get outside?" he asked.
"Dial 9," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Housecleaning Tips
For Internet Junkies (or those who don't wanna be accused of being on puter all day long ... like that ever happens)
1. Sweeping and Mopping the floors-Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat ... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat...well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!
2. Vacuuming--Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same ... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.
3. Dusting--Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
4. Laundry--First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it ... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again ... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes ... have a stroke!
5. Cleaning toilet--Close the lid.
6. Cleaning Shower--close the shower door or curtain.
7. Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom--Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......
8. Taking out the Trash--If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out ... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story ... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.
9. Dishes--Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ... if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ...
good luck... We hope to see more of you on line soon!
< center text> Click here to find your way back to Hillbillie homeplace
