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SPORTS ROUND-UP
Bantam Beats Bertin in Queer Sets
Canada's first Nationally recognised homosexual Tennis Tournament held in Halifax saw victory for Toronto's Jerome Bantam beating Quebec's Bertin Bertrand in three queer sets 6-0, 6-0, 6-0.
The 29 year old retired Hair crimper from Toronto looked unstoppable throughout the entire tournament. "This is a win for the girls back in Toronto" he smiled, leaping for joy. Asked how he did it he replied "Bertin did too many splits! If your gonna leap around the court like a cheerleader on speed your gonna loose focus!" he continued "Me, I kept my eye on his balls all the time!"
Local Female Tag Team Wrestling Gets The Big One
New Brunswick has something to celebrate this week following the mauling of one of Ontario's finest wrestling outfits 'Girls school Powerhouse'.
The Muddyview Virgins headed to Kitchener, Ontario knowing they would have to destroy The Powerhouse to stay in the Tag Team federation. Armed with nothing to loose and a whole load of mace the girls entered the ring and just went wild. After 15 minutes it was over. The virgins at utterly destroyed the opposition.
"We went in there and tried to make it as painless as possible, we threw mace, pepper spray and whatever we had in our handbags at them and we won!"
The Virgins now have to go head to head with Montreal's notorious wrestling ensemble The St. Catherines Prostitute Ring, early next week.
Wildhats Win Big
QMJSFMHL has never been so popular. last year the Wildhats were nowhere to be seen but now Moncton's greatest Hockey troupe have just gotten better.
Last year Moncton had a 100% straight loosing streak, lost all its players and were threatened by the Quebec Major Junior Senior Female Male Hockey League that would be struck off from next years seasonal games due to a lack of interest and money. This year however seems like a dream. An unbeaten record, a championship. And now to add to their collection an all star inter-provincial cup winners cup. For last night they beat their biggest rivals the Acadie Bacadie Tetons 27-0. Next year proves to be an even bigger challenge however as all the players got transfers to play in the States! So lets enjoy the moment while we can.
Veteran Human Canonball Heads to Championships
Veteran human Canonball - Ted (the Turd) Tuttle heads to Sydney, Nova Scotia this weekend for the 2005 Canadian 'No-name All-star super-stars tournament of championship winning champions super all-stars championship league of all-stars Human Canon ball contest. Let's wish him luck!
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JETHRO SAVAGE COLUMN
Jethro Savage On The Perils Of Speed Skating
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All over the world thousands of people relish in the joys of speed skating. Speeding round and round an ice rink trying to be the best of the best. I must admit however I didn't really get into the sport until much later in life. Hailing from Cork, Ireland there really wasn't much to skate about. I just spent my days sitting on my fathers Pony while it raced up and down ploughing his fields!
I became Canada's senior speed skating champion at age 40, due largely to taking steroids and other illegal stimulants way before the Sports associations started to get anal about it all. After I was stripped of my crown I decended into the abyss of full-blown no holds barred drinking marathons to keep me sober.
Anyway today I stayed sober long enough to win in the Greater Moncton Oldsters Speed-O-Thon in Muddyview. I must admit I started badly. I tripped over my skates at the start, primarily because my eye sight is so bad I tied my skates together! Once up I realised I was dead last and the rest of the old bastards were halfway across the ice. Suddenly in the distance I spotted my wife Aileen holding something up. Now I've always been long sighted. Just as well, for she was waving a bottle of Bells' Scotch Whisky. After that I made the quickest dash a 65 year old had ever done and won hands down. It was a great day and great to be back to my winning days!
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