Red Sonja (1985)
MonsterVision host segments missing, but here's Joe Bob's quick review:
(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
Brigitte Nielsen of Galaxis is the last surviving member of a tribe of Danish
Amazons, surviving to witness the terrifying six-minute-long death of her
twin sister, who gets speared because she witnessed the evil queen Gedren
throwing 20 virgins into a pit of boiling grease. So Brigitte hooks up
with Arnold the Barbarian and puts on about 80 pounds worth of face
jewelry, buys a plastic sword, and rides off in search of Gedren's city so
they can shishkabob her. Gedren has the greatest power in the world, The
Talisman, which is a giant green lava lamp. Fortunately, Brigitte and
Arnold have a midget and a fatman to help em Benihana all the Vikings they
run into, including a sword-happy hippie that tries to rip the midget
apart by tying his hands to a horse, his feet to a tree, and making a
wish. Pretty soon, after they wrestle a few plastic alligators and have a
cardboard swordfight to see if Arnold has "the stuff" to go for Red
Sonja's groceries, it's time to go blow up the City of Eternal Night and
make some Gedren Gumbo. You probably think you saw all this already at the end of Conan The Destroyer, sequel to Conan the Barbarian, and you probably did, but here it is again. What happened was, Dino was making this movie, and Arnold was hanging around to watch his girl Brigitte being the female barbarian on location, when Dino decided it would be a better movie with Arnold in it so Conan was simply written into the script on the spot.
I know you REH purists wanted to know why the movie diverged from the Amazonian warrior novel.
Seven quarts blood.
Seventy dead bodies.
One Viking funeral.
One giant pet tarantula.
Gratuitous belly dancing.
Two heads fly.
One head squishes.
The script is
full of gems, as when Arnold says "Your thither's dying" and "I know
you're brave girl but danger is my trade." A Viking wearing a chest
protector says "I will tell the future in your entrails, Red Woman!,"
and Brigitte's big emotional speech: "You slaughtered my parents! Like
cattle! My brother! My sister!"
Produced by Dino de Laurentiis of King Kong Lives fame.
© 2002 Joe Bob Briggs.com All Rights
Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company, by mutual consent. This and many more Drive-In Reviews are available @ JoeBobBriggs.com from the artist formerly known as the host of Monstervision
TBS (Turner's Big Superstation) has Conan the Barbarian occasionally, followed by "Red Sonja"
You know, that story Moby Dick about the great white whale is pretty good. But it would be even better if Dino DeLaurentiis made a version of it set in the old west with cowboys and Indians bein' attacked by a giant White Buffalo, right? Why, Dino, why?
Blonds are the best victims. They're like virgin snow which shows up the bloody footprints - Alfred Hitchcock