"Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars-Nemedia, Ophir, Brythunia, Hyperborea, Zamora with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingara with itl chivalry, Koth that borderd the pastoral lands of Shem, Styfia with its shadow-guarded tombs, Hykania whos riders wore steel and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom in the world was Aquilonia, reigning supreme in the dreaming west. Hither came Conan the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a theif, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet." - The Nemedian Chronicles by Robert H. Howard (not to be confused with The Chronicles Of Narnia)
[Close-up of Ab-Roller]
Well, it's week three of
"Joe Bob's Summer School," and tonight we have an upper division course:
Body Building 304: Applied Anatomy and Biomechanics. Which translates to a
good excuse to ogle women in Spandex. Our special guest-lecturer, fitness
expert Karen Voight, will be whipping our hineys into shape while we watch
"Conan the Barbarian," the movie that started it all for Arnold
Schwarzenegger and the even greater sequel, "Conan the Destroyer."
Speaking of body building, my Ab-Roller came in the mail so fast I
didn't even have to wait four to six weeks. Wanda Bodine was with me the
night I bought it. We were watching "Gorgeous Ladies of Rasslin," and the
bimbo in the pink swimsuit came on, doing her Ab-Roller sit-ups, and I
said to Wanda, "You know, this commercial's been on for 97 years. There
must be something to it." And Wanda was skeptical. She said, "That thing
looks like one of those cheap plastic sleds for sliding down hills in the
snow." I said, "It can't be cheap plastic, even though it LOOKS like cheap
plastic, because it costs $19.95." And Wanda said, "Not that you couldn't
use a little Ab-Rolling." And so that was it. I called the 800 number in
Canton, Ohio, and told em, "I want an Ab-Roller."
One thing you
should know, if you're thinking about getting an Ab-Roller, is that it
comes in a giant white box that has AB-ROLLER written all over it and
advertising like, "Firms Stomach!" and "Safer for Your Lower Back!" and
"As Seen on TV!" and a big picture of the Ab-Roller so that everybody in
your neighborhood will know you ordered it even before you get it. Scrim
Wilks saw the mailman carrying it around and he called me up. "Joe Bob,
your AB-ROLLER is here." And then he couldn't stop laughing. He kept
saying "Ab-Roller" over and over again in a way that sounded like "You
hopeless ignorant beer-belly dufus." It's humiliating. So I said to Wanda,
"That's okay, if it doesn't work out, we'll use it for a sled." This was
before we opened it up and read the silver sticker that said "NOTICE: This
unit is not to be used as a sled or otherwise misused." I'm not kidding.
They KNOW that people order em as sleds.
Anyhow, I started getting
real excited about changing my life with exercise when I read the
instruction booklet for "Ab-Roller: The Intelligent Sit-up," and it
started off with about 17 safety warnings, including "Recommended maximum
user weight: 300 pounds" and "Instructions for Full Hips." Finally we got
down to the nitty-gritty: "Sit on the Ab-Roller in the area marked SIT
HERE." So I sat there. "Your tailbone should be just over the Posturing
Seat, also called Sit Here." I adjusted my tailbone. "The Sit Here area
should be flat to the floor when you are in the full upright position.
Place your hands into the handle slots on each side of the Ab-Roller."
Along about page 5, you finally get to actually do your first Ab-Roller
sit-up. I gave it everything I had, and then Wanda said, "How did that
feel?" "Felt like I was rocking back and forth on a piece of cheap
plastic." And Wanda said, "Actually, you were rocking back and forth on a
piece of expensive plastic." I asked her, "How long should I do this?" and
she said, "The book says until you experience momentary, slight abdominal
fatigue." "I experienced abdominal fatigue before I ever got down here."
And Wanda said, "Probly time to stop then." And I said "Good. That was an
excellent two-sit-up workout. My stomach already feels better after that
workout." And Wanda said, "Which phase of the workout did it for you, Joe
Bob? The first sit-up or the second one?" I can't stand it when Wanda
Bodine gets like that.
Okay, we're gonna be working out with Karen
Voight as we watch "Conan the Barbarian," Arnold Schwarzenegger's first
serious dramatic role, where he goes around wallopin people's heads off
with his sword and being real rude to Sandahl Bergman. Sandahl is a fox in
this baby. This was kinda her first big break, too, even though a lot of
her stuff ended up on the cutting room floor. Let's get it started -- I'll
do the drive-in totals later. Roll film.
[fading] By the way, I
went to buy some terry-cloth headbands for my future workouts, and when I
got back, I noticed the moisture on the bottom of my Ab-Roller. I swear
Wanda got snow on it.
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #1
And there you have it -- Conan telling us what is
best in life: "To krosh your enemies, to see dem driven before you, and to
hear de lamentations of der vomen." And since we've graduated to
college-level here at "Joe Bob's Summer School," I actually looked that up
and found out that that's based on something Ghengis Khan once said.
Ghengis Khan said: "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and
chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to
them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their
wives and daughters." But can you imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger saying
THAT? Arnold wasn't exactly fluent in 1982, when this flick was made. He
was still de-toxing from all the steroids he took when he was Mr.
Universe. That's why they only gave him about ten lines in this movie. And
speaking of people who are in good shape, we've got fitness pro Karen
Voight joining us at the next break, so let's get those drive-in totals
out of the way. We have:
Seventy-two dead bodies. One dead
snake. One dead vulture. Three breasts (two of em on Conan).
Ancient professional rassling. Heads roll. Bludgeoning.
Impaling. Throat-slitting. Arm-breaking. Head-ramming.
Camel punching. Virgin sacrifice. Cliff-jumping.
Crucifixion. Cremation. One orgy. Gratuitous Speechifying
by Max von Sydow.
I give it three and a half stars. Roll it.
[fading] I'm glad I've been working out. I've got buns of steel.
And abs of steel. In fact, you hold up a big magnet, I get sucked right
across the room.
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #2
Who was that gal Arnold just had sex with, and more
importantly, where does SHE work out? Cassandra Gaviola is her name, and
she has got some fine pectorals, if you know what I mean and I think you
do. It's Body Building 304 here at "Joe Bob's Summer School," and our
guest-lecturer is warmed up and ready to go. She owned two very popular
gyms in El Lay during the peak of the fitness-crazed eighties, and since
then she's been making work-out videos, writing books, and training
big-time celebrities.
[Karen Voight demonstrates exercises and Joe
Bob follows]
Boy, it's a good thing I'm starting now, cause I
might actually be able to do this by the time I'm 60. All right, let's get
back to "Conan the Barbarian." More working out at the next break.
[fading] Am I doing this right? We also need to talk about
nutrition, right? Like everybody in this movie we're watching eats
shishkabob. That's the only food in "Conan" movies. Shishkabob.
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #3
[picture of Joe Bob's face on a muscle guy]
And as Sandahl Bergman and Arnold the Barbarian prepare to make
warrior love, we do a modest little fade-out here on TNT so that the young
and impressionable won't see just how outstanding Sandahl's cantilevers
are. Did I say that? Okay, that could have been a valuable LEARNING TOOL
here on Body Building Night, because I'm here with our guest lecturer,
Karen Voight, whose three new workout videos are coming out sometime soon:
"Yoga Sculpt," "Body Strength," and "Exercises for Old Guys Who Can Barely
Even Lift Their Remote Control."
You know, Sandahl and Arnold were
both so buff in this flick, they had to do their own stunts, cause they
couldn't find decent body-doubles. In fact, Arnold had to tone down his
workout, cause his muscles were so big, he couldn't wield a sword right.
Just like me. Did you ever see a picture of me before TNT made me slim
down for this show? [shows picture to Karen and camera] I know, I think I
look better now, too. All right, what are these balls here used for?
[Karen Voight shows Joe Bob exercises with weight balls; Joe Bob
does them]
Okay . . . back to the movie.
[fading] How many
of these do I have to do, cause I think I'm gonna have a heart-attack.
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #4
Lot's of TREKKING in this movie. Trekking across the
desert. That was Max von Sydow as King Osrik, being his usual long-winded
self. Every movie Max von Sydow is in, he has a scene where the action
comes to a halt so he can speechify. Struggling actors are probly in
classes all over the country goin, "This is the monologue from The
Ultimate Warrior where Max von Sydow asks Yul Brynner to join his
commune," or "I will now do the speech from Needful Things where Max von
Sydow admits to being the devil."
Our Body Building 304
guest-lecturer, Karen Voight, is now going to have me do something truly
challenging. Okay, Karen, challenge me.
That doesn't look that
hard. [Joe Bob tries it] That's hard. Help.
Let's get back to
"Conan."
[fading] Do you make Tina Turner do this?
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #5
"Who will not face emptiness?" That's the big
catch-phrase of evangelist James Earl Jones. He's got em lined up, because
it's such an attractive philosophy. "Come to emptiness." "This is CNN." Is
my watch broken, or was that one of the shortest segments in the history
of television? And by the way, nice wig on James Earl Jones, huh? They
were going for that "Little Suzie gives her Barbie a haircut" look.
Workout pro Karen Voight is still here with us. So, Karen, I think my
muscles are a little fatigued. Maybe we can bring somebody else in here to
do the next exercise. I see Rusty and Cheryl hanging out in the hall.
Without a hall pass, no doubt. Girls, come on in here and do Karen's
exercises.
[Rusty and Cheryl enter] Maybe yall can show us
some yoga while I sit over here and enjoy my protein drink. Isn't that
convenient that they're wearing work-out clothes.
[Karen and girls
do yoga while Joe Bob watches] Oh, now this is the kind of
exercise I like. Okay, we're gonna get back to confusing but muscle-filled
"Conan the Barbarian." Go.
[fading] Can I join whatever gym you
gals workout at? Do you know that gyms have rules now designed
specifically to keep guys like me out?
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #6
I think we need to summarize the plot so far, so
Karen, do you mind continuing to Yoga Sculpt the girls, there? Okay, the
film starts off with little Conan learning about a god named Crumb who has
some kinda phallic sword fixation. Then James Earl Jones and a bunch of
other guys in bad wigs cut off Conan's mother's head, and William Smith
gets killed by a bunch of German shepherds -- which I just realized musta
got cut out, cause I don't remember seeing it. Then they capture Conan and
make him push a big food mill around 24-hours a day for fifteen years till
he turns into Arnold Schwarzenegger in a bad wig. Then they get him to
fight in professional rassling matches. Then he gets cut loose and finds a
dead guy with a sword and he wanders around until he has sex with a babe
who turns into a comet. Then he and Gerry Lopez and Sandahl Bergman steal
a big jewel during a virgin sacrifice in a big tower with a giant snake in
it -- wonder what the symbolism is THERE--and Max von Sydow speechifies
and Arnold bails on Sandahl to go steal Max von Sydow's daughter. But
James Earl Jones catches Arnold and ties him to a tree, and then Arnold's
wizard friend draws all over his face, and Sandahl cries, and maybe
Arnold's dead and maybe he's not. Is that about it? Okay, back to the
flick.
[fading] I left out the part where Arnold punches the
camel, didn't I? And Arnold punches out a camel.
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #7
[book: "Jumping Rope"]
So James Earl Jones is
really . . . a snake? An orgy-loving snake? I should point out that the
fake blood used in "Conan the Barbarian" was a concentrate you had to mix
with water. But the weather was so cold, they had to use vodka to keep it
from freezing, and instead of spitting the blood like they were supposed
to, the actors kept swallowing it and then going back to the special
effects guy for more. And I'm startin to think John Milius and Oliver
Stone were knockin back a few when they were writing the script. John
Milius and Oliver Stone -- what am I thinking? Those two would never TOUCH
spirits.
Karen, all our guest-lecturers get a special gift when
they leave. Since it's Summer School, everybody gets a book. And this is
the one we got you. It's called "Jump rope!" See, down here it says, "Jump
for health!" We figured if you ever start looking for a new kind of
exercise to teach, you could use this. Karen Voight, thanks for being
here. And thanks to Rusty and Cheryl for helping out.
Okay, back
to the movie.
[fading, looking at girls] Oh, if only we had a
couple jump ropes right now.
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Commercial
Break #8
Well, is this a Dino De Laurentiis production or
WHAT? Hand-to-horse combat, spirits of dead Amazons waging battle, and
Conan swinging that wicked blade. Poor Sandahl Bergman, though -- she dies
in this movie and ends up ten years later making cheap erotic thrillers
for Showtime. Not that there's ANYthing wrong with a good cheap erotic
thriller. You know, I think we should all adopt Arnold's attitude about
Body Building. Here's a quote from Arnold -- pretend I'm doing this in an
Austrian accent: "In the old days, bodybuilders talked about eating two
pounds of meat and 30 eggs a day, how they had to sleep 12 hours a day
couldn't have sex, and so on. And I said to myself, 'Who the blank wants
to be part of that kind of sport?'" Except, of course, he didn't say
"blank." Wait a sec, two pounds of meat, 30 eggs, 12 hours of sleep, no
sex . . . that actually DOES sound like my workout regimen! But I don't
lift weights. That's the only difference. You guys wanna know what
Arnold's measurements were at the peak of his bodybuilding career? Okay,
he's six-foot-two; that remains the same. He weighed 235 pounds. His chest
was FIFTY-SEVEN inches. His arms were 22 inches--the equivalent of the
waistline of your average Playboy centerfold. His thighs were 28 and a
half inches around, giving true meaning to the words "thigh master." His
calves were 20 inches, and his waist was 34 inches. I don't have his hip
measurement -- I guess that's a chick thing. Okay, it's time for the
barbaric conclusion to "Conan the Barbarian." Roll it.
[fading]
Did you guys know Arnold developed a rehabilitation-
through-weight-training program at prisons in California? And thank
goodness. Cause I don't know what those prisoners were doing with their
time before Arnold showed em how to work out. And now, in a cruel ironic
reversal of all Arnold's good work, legislatures are passing laws across
the country making it ILLEGAL to work out in prison. Can you believe that?
What is THAT about? "Naw, we don't just want em locked up, we want em
sickly and weak -- after all, it's PRISON."
"CONAN THE BARBARIAN" Outro
And so ends "Conan the Barbarian," with Arnold throwing James
Earl Jones' head down the steps because he just wouldn't stop yappin. The
Mattel Toy Company had actually started making Conan action figures, but
then when they saw the film, they didn't want to be associated with a
movie containing such graphic sex and violence. You have to remember, we
just saw the toned-down, TNT/Amish version. So Mattel made the dolls' hair
blonde and called it "He-Man." He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.
Big hit with the feminists.
Well, it's week three of
"Joe Bob's Summer School," and tonight we have an upper division course:
Body Building 304: Applied Anatomy and Biomechanics. Which translates to a
good excuse to ogle women in Spandex. Our special guest-lecturer, fitness
expert Karen Voight, will be whipping our hineys into shape while we watch
"Conan the Barbarian," the movie that started it all for Arnold
Schwarzenegger and the even greater sequel, "Conan the Destroyer."
Speaking of body building, my Ab-Roller came in the mail so fast I
didn't even have to wait four to six weeks. Wanda Bodine was with me the
night I bought it. We were watching "Gorgeous Ladies of Rasslin," and the
bimbo in the pink swimsuit came on, doing her Ab-Roller sit-ups, and I
said to Wanda, "You know, this commercial's been on for 97 years. There
must be something to it." And Wanda was skeptical. She said, "That thing
looks like one of those cheap plastic sleds for sliding down hills in the
snow." I said, "It can't be cheap plastic, even though it LOOKS like cheap
plastic, because it costs $19.95." And Wanda said, "Not that you couldn't
use a little Ab-Rolling." And so that was it. I called the 800 number in
Canton, Ohio, and told em, "I want an Ab-Roller." 
One thing you
should know, if you're thinking about getting an Ab-Roller, is that it
comes in a giant white box that has AB-ROLLER written all over it and
advertising like, "Firms Stomach!" and "Safer for Your Lower Back!" and
"As Seen on TV!" and a big picture of the Ab-Roller so that everybody in
your neighborhood will know you ordered it even before you get it. Scrim
Wilks saw the mailman carrying it around and he called me up. "Joe Bob,
your AB-ROLLER is here." And then he couldn't stop laughing. He kept
saying "Ab-Roller" over and over again in a way that sounded like "You
hopeless ignorant beer-belly dufus." It's humiliating. So I said to Wanda,
"That's okay, if it doesn't work out, we'll use it for a sled." This was
before we opened it up and read the silver sticker that said "NOTICE: This
unit is not to be used as a sled or otherwise misused." I'm not kidding.
They KNOW that people order em as sleds. 
Anyhow, I started getting
real excited about changing my life with exercise when I read the
instruction booklet for "Ab-Roller: The Intelligent Sit-up," and it
started off with about 17 safety warnings, including "Recommended maximum
user weight: 300 pounds" and "Instructions for Full Hips." Finally we got
down to the nitty-gritty: "Sit on the Ab-Roller in the area marked SIT
HERE." So I sat there. "Your tailbone should be just over the Posturing
Seat, also called Sit Here." I adjusted my tailbone. "The Sit Here area
should be flat to the floor when you are in the full upright position.
Place your hands into the handle slots on each side of the Ab-Roller."
Along about page 5, you finally get to actually do your first Ab-Roller
sit-up. I gave it everything I had, and then Wanda said, "How did that
feel?" "Felt like I was rocking back and forth on a piece of cheap
plastic." And Wanda said, "Actually, you were rocking back and forth on a
piece of expensive plastic." I asked her, "How long should I do this?" and
she said, "The book says until you experience momentary, slight abdominal
fatigue." "I experienced abdominal fatigue before I ever got down here."
And Wanda said, "Probly time to stop then." And I said "Good. That was an
excellent two-sit-up workout. My stomach already feels better after that
workout." And Wanda said, "Which phase of the workout did it for you, Joe
Bob? The first sit-up or the second one?" I can't stand it when Wanda
Bodine gets like that. 
Okay, we're gonna be working out with Karen
Voight as we watch "Conan the Barbarian," Arnold Schwarzenegger's first
serious dramatic role, where he goes around wallopin people's heads off
with his sword and being real rude to Sandahl Bergman. Sandahl is a fox in
this baby. This was kinda her first big break, too, even though a lot of
her stuff ended up on the cutting room floor. Let's get it started -- I'll
do the drive-in totals later. Roll film. 
And there you have it -- Conan telling us what is
best in life: "To krosh your enemies, to see dem driven before you, and to
hear de lamentations of der vomen." And since we've graduated to
college-level here at "Joe Bob's Summer School," I actually looked that up
and found out that that's based on something Ghengis Khan once said.
Ghengis Khan said: "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and
chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to
them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their
wives and daughters." But can you imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger saying
THAT? Arnold wasn't exactly fluent in 1982, when this flick was made. He
was still de-toxing from all the steroids he took when he was Mr.
Universe. That's why they only gave him about ten lines in this movie. And
speaking of people who are in good shape, we've got fitness pro Karen
Voight joining us at the next break, so let's get those drive-in totals
out of the way. We have: 
Who was that gal Arnold just had sex with, and more
importantly, where does SHE work out? Cassandra Gaviola is her name, and
she has got some fine pectorals, if you know what I mean and I think you
do. It's Body Building 304 here at "Joe Bob's Summer School," and our
guest-lecturer is warmed up and ready to go. She owned two very popular
gyms in El Lay during the peak of the fitness-crazed eighties, and since
then she's been making work-out videos, writing books, and training
big-time celebrities. 
And as Sandahl Bergman and Arnold the Barbarian prepare to make
warrior love, we do a modest little fade-out here on TNT so that the young
and impressionable won't see just how outstanding Sandahl's cantilevers
are. Did I say that? Okay, that could have been a valuable LEARNING TOOL
here on Body Building Night, because I'm here with our guest lecturer,
Karen Voight, whose three new workout videos are coming out sometime soon:
"Yoga Sculpt," "Body Strength," and "Exercises for Old Guys Who Can Barely
Even Lift Their Remote Control." 
Our Body Building 304
guest-lecturer, Karen Voight, is now going to have me do something truly
challenging. Okay, Karen, challenge me. 
Workout pro Karen Voight is still here with us. So, Karen, I think my
muscles are a little fatigued. Maybe we can bring somebody else in here to
do the next exercise. I see Rusty and Cheryl hanging out in the hall.
Without a hall pass, no doubt. Girls, come on in here and do Karen's
exercises. 